posted on October 17, 2010 at 8:14 am

100% miss scarlet

ive seen some characters in my day

the good the bad n the ugly

the wild innocent and the oxford street shuffle

ive seen some weird silly crazy affected loony nutty eccentric types

wow theres miss scarlet right there

the most ornery stubborn insistent child

but also

when she wants

the sweetest cuddliest nicest one too

shes got a big head full of brains

she looks like this picture of the scarecrow

after oz bulged his head with all them brains

that i had in a book as a kid…

shes tricky shes finicky shes temperamental

she iffy shes pernickety she’s a bit cross right now

she likes it her way

she wants it all ways

she wants her cake n she wants to devour it too

who the hell was this kid in her last lives?

the queen of bloody sheba by the way she carries on

or genghis khan when shes terrorising the doodles

or some oldtime great actress when shes squeezing out tears for a big scene

her body type is solid

solid as in a wrestler

she has not one ounce of fat but she is solid

solid vegetarian muscle and she likes to throw her weight around

boy she gets mad and insulted quickly too

the doodles are both amiable types

theyre fairly slow to take offence

but miss scarlet can  infer an insult in your slightest glance

if youre not 100 % enthusiastic then FORGET IT!

dont talk down to her dont fob her off

dont ignore her or pretend to listen


and just when you think youve had enough of baby bonaparte

suddenly theres little hands on you stroking your back as ya do yoga

or a curly head lobs into view

i love you dad she says in her husky whisper

dripping in sincerity

shes acting and meaning it all at once

shes so much larger than life she can hardly fit

eyes like liz taylor she melts grannies n mummies in the street

every feature is big

a big smile

a big frown

a big forehead figgering it all out

shes playing with her flying unicorns or whatever

dad ? she says

yeah ? i say looking up

not you ! she says, …its my unicorn talking to his father….

a minute later


yeah ! i say

miss scarlet gets angry

i told you its not you! i’m playing !

then a minute later


yeah i say

miss scarlet valve bounces at this

she jumps out of her chair

runs backwards into a cupboard

crashes into it and slides down it

then she fixes me with her glowering frown


after that shes too upset with unicorns

ive ruined the spell

ive intruded into her reality

and goddammit she cant just put it all back together that easily

her hair is fine corkscrews which often turn blond white at the tips

its like shes been created by a computer to drive ya wild

shes always warm too

and i guess she gives off some pheremone

because she always smells so nice you dont wanna let her go

but still shes a real ratbag

she’ll crash yer party

she’ll eat yer cake

she’ll take yer go

she’ll come n leave  just  when she likes

she likes to wail and moan and then uh oh

wild mood swing she starts laughing uncontrollably

gosh it must be hard being miss scarlet

she doesnt make it easy on herself or her parents or sisters

but to strangers

why miss scarlet is a very reasonable person

she loves a chat or a game n shes very friendly

she just saves all the wild stuff for the fambley

we bear the brunt off her wrath

we enjoy the glow of her benevolence

we rush to head off the next full blown tanty

her huff arrives and she departs in it

miss scarlet 5 years old

someday shes gonna make her future husband(s) go crazy

in spades

and thats for sure!

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