i was thinking
yeah well we all were
but anyway
i was thinking
trying to dive into the dark depths of my mind
some leviathans down there
huge dark things
strange things moving in those depths
how to reach them
to see them
to see all the inaccessible knowledge
whats going on in those rooms i cant get into
whose in there
does my muse live in these rooms
or does she leave me at night and travel to a star
do i remember everything
and are some of these memories
in some storage place in deep mind
all the stuff ya dont really need to remember
but its still there somewhere
i admit to ya my dark shadow
always just outta sight
but threatening
and inducing anxiety
out of thin air
boy when i was getting off the gear
that dark shadow become an omnipresent blackness
now im a moody kinda idiot i guess
and i have a good working knowledge of sadness, melancholia
sweet disappointment even misery and despair
but getting off the gear makes these emotions seem
like elation
i aint talking the physical stuff
im just talking about this total smothering depression
a negative emptiness
until your endorphins start slowly to ooze out
again into yer system
but until then
you aint got the chemistry for feeling good
which is another reason my miraculous and only total contact
with you know Who
is doubly authentic
actually its authenticity is not in doubt
experiences with god
are hyperauthentic
they make this day to day
seem like a faded watercolour of real life
a facsimile transmission of actual life
so chemicaless i was
no serotonin
no endorphs
no fucking nothing
when i would try to walk
my sinews would cry out
my joints would grind merciless on each other
my bones ached from the marrow out
it took me 3 minutes to hobble up stairs
that i would bound up now
but due to regular ingestion of opiates
which were analogs
of these self made drugs
my body had stopped production
and theres a bit of a gap before production starts up again
in my case about 6 weeks before its any more than a trickle
after six weeks of insomnia i reclaimed sleep
one minute at a time
i longed for sleep so much i longed for death
for a chance to get out out of my nausea wracked
bile vomiting
sweating
freezing
boiling
energyless
tired
anxious
depressed
hopeless
an agony a human can only just bear
except for that night i couldnt bear it
and i know i told you about this
but
my prayer was
as i lay down in the surrendering posture
of the child
my prayer was
lord god
they say that you never dish out
more than someone can take
and i cant take this
ive completely fucked up
i cannot manage my life
nor do i feel i can continue on
for one more second in this condition
i implore you now to help me
now i wasnt expecting any real results
actually i was beyond expectations
my rational mind was defeated by the remorseless attack
that junk withdrawals hit me with on all fronts
with no sleep there was no escape from the pain
my fiendss a broken arm in 3 places
and a resetting
are but a pinch
compared to the desolate wasteland of agony
that is withdrawal
thats why all them prostitoots are still out there selling themselves
thats why all them thieves are creeping in n stealing yer dvd player
thats why guys are hocking their guitars n microphones
and then studios n houses
and their families
and then their freedom
because that wasteland of pain takes about six weeks of torture
and after that a hard tedious tiring struggle for a year or so
but lets see
im lying there in exodus in la
on the floor of my tiny room
my room mate is the tall blonde dutch guy
the bass player martine le noble
a truly lovely man trying to stay off the stuff
any way i say to him
its the middle of the night
we both awake
mind if i do some yoga
he says not at all its ok
so i struggle out of bed
to say you have no energy doesnt do justice to this feeling
drained of every bit of power
you are an empty hulk struggling just to move
of course i couldnt do any yoga pose but
the pose of the child
kinda like moslems praying
a position of surrender and suppliance
and i surrendered
sweet surrender baybee
i have never ever surrendered like this
before or since
just rolled over
given in
handed the wheel over
said look
im totally ruined
declared my self bankrupt
now i need you
and i guess
i approached it like a child
calling my parents
sadly bewilderedly beseechingly
i aint going
hey vishnu hey god
if youre there you better appear
lets see what you can do for me now
no no no
and of course
this wasnt happening in these verbal terms i use here
anyway whatever it was
the deep sincerity of my spiritual howl of excruciation
my real human need for help
my submission like a child
something rolled back in my head
and the omnipresent
almost liquid thing that permeates everywhere
it is allowed and welcome to go
but my head had been made that way
and then as a child
it had been sealed up godproof
it was godtight
and god could not flow in
but something i did that night
something that the circumstances were right for
my desperation
my total surrender
this removed the barrier
and god flowed
god filled each junk sick screaming cell
with a shot of healing you couldnt describe
my body felt supple youthful painless
it all disappeared just like it does when ya shoot heroin
but only this time id been off the stuff 3 weeks or so
i hadnt even eaten any thing
i had trouble keeping down a glass of water
i hobbled about in a pair of pyjamas
i didnt even remember who my friends were
when they rang all the way from australia
to see how i was
i was a shadow of my former self
a shadow of a shadow
so i gave in
there was not even a fraction of some ego saying
hey i know what im doing
no
that guy had jumped ship
i mean he started coming back the moment god arrived
and as he filled up the chamber
he squeezed god back out
or god became so bored with his prattle n tripe
that god just upped n left
but i tell ya
when god flowed into me
especially as low as i was
it was real
it was delicious
it was white light
it was warm and opiated
it was an enveloping comfort
it was not elation or euphoria
just a lovely calm feeeling of well being
of satisfaction
of content
there was no doubt that only god could have done this
how else was i suddenly healed
i stood up refreshed
i lay down on my bed
and i drifted off for about half an hour of sleep
and a lucid dream of krsna and i
walking talking
my friends it was BLISS!
but my compartment is sealed over now
i mean i still believe in god
but i havent succeeded in getting it to flow
its a subtle arcane n ancient art
a bit like astral travel
or mind reading
or levitation
we all have the ability
some more than others
but the art itself is hard to master
easy to become dejected
takes devotion n dedication
it may take years n years n years
yoga helps
you wonder why i am rejuvenated
why i can really sing now instead of pretend
yoga
and yoga is yoking to god
and qi gong is learning to suck that energy outta the thin air
and meditation is stilling your mind
so it can hear something else whispering
so you could say i dont believe in god
i actually had an experience so now i know
god flowed baby god flowed
soothing forgiving embracing
this god who filled me could never be angry
and i knew i wasnt getting the full thing
i mean he wasnt giving me the total fill
he was just healing me a little
coming to my side during a dark night when i was troubled
i didnt getting illumination beyond belief
i didnt know the answers
except the ubiquitous “everythings ok”
and baby thats enough
that everythings ok
dont panic
dont get nasty
dont get impatient
everythings alright
and youre ready for god
when you really need god
god ll be there
or i’ ll gladly refund yer subscription