posted on February 7, 2007 at 7:58 pm

rikki tikki tavi
comes over
you know
aint you envious that i know a famous guy like that?
god im almost jealous myself…
and guess what
rikkis got the newest you-beaut black 80 gig i pod
and its groaning under the weight of its exclusive
ultra-hard-to-find records
for example
im listening to la dusseldorfs viva right now
its pretty hard to find
i mean
dont you envy me
i wish you did
i dont know why
but i wish you did
i mean it wouldnt do me any good
if you did envy me, i mean
i s’pose i couldnt even feel it
but my whole life
i been envying…
envying him
envying her
i even envied people who suddenly died
and i still didnt learn
i coveted my neighbours ass
and i felt like a donkey cos of it
i wanted composite bits of people
oh if only i had nicks nose
and micks hair
and ricks jaw
and dicks dick
and hicks kicks
and bicks (from levitation) licks
you getting the picture
i wasnt ever happy with one thing
i read this hilarious n incredibly troof-full book called powder
its about this rock group called the grams
and everytime the grams have something good happen to em
this other band who the singer in the grams considers inferior
derivative of the grams
yet when the grams pull into l.a.
this other band are staying at a better hotel
playing a bigger gig
and their album is higher up the billboard charts than the grams
ha ha ha
been there done that
you see im envious of all of em
i want what everybosdy else has got
look at the bjm fir example
so fucking cool
so fucking bohemian
so the disorganised dishevelled spirit of rock
so young n beautiful
(well some of em)
and they know court-knee tailor
and they know …..
and they did that film
the one where ya see the dandies ridin’ in their limo
and theyre discussing kierkagaard or whatever
very dispassionate rich cats obviously
n then
for contrast
we zoom in on bjm world
where a bunch of scruffs are fighting with a drongo
with huge sideboards n the most outta fucking time tambourine
since “jesus” spooked the chirch at the venue london 1982
(aint you envious you werent there)
and you go
this is the spirit of rock, verily
this is why god gave us rock n roll
not so a bunch of rich n coiffed young hipsters
can cruise languidly around in their limo
lazily, sleepily chatting about vague things
but so true rockers can have a punch up in a dive somewhere
oh why
oh why
didnt i think of that…?
and i mean
rikkis an asset to hang with
i introduce him to the loopy druid who runs my fave cafe
the druid is eating a steady stream of pot cookies
(gee, i envy him)
and he comes out of his kitchen
like hes flailing like a swimmer thru the summer heat
my mates a fuckin rockstar i offer the loopy druid
oh yeah….he throws his head back disdainfully
thinkin’ im putting him on
have ya heard of the bjm i ask
whats that?
he says
suddenly interested
boy that makes me envious
he didnt bring out his special musicians biscuits tho
despite copious hinting from the olde t being
and he could guess that rikki is from san fran
cos where else could an uber-hipster guitar slinging
snake-hipped YOUNG rock god come from
if not THE most bohemian place in the world
except for nimbin…
and im envious
and i think how fuckin famous n hip i coulda been
if my parents had migrated to san fran
instead of….dapto,nsw…..uh?
i woulda been 13 when flowerpower hit
i probably would have been a roadie for the dead
or played bass in blue cheer
but whatever
they woulda dug me more than them idiots in dapto
rikki had an uncle in the tubes fer fucks sake
i had an uncle in the plumbing game
i mean ive struggled against all odds
to be as bohemian as i am
n then ya meet someone
whos got all the credentials
and it makes me
and so do all those nice houses in vaucluse
those lovely leafy palaces n villas
perched on the side of the harbour
what did those guys do to deserve these joints
i mean
i could really appreciate something nice like that
and of course all the jags n beemers parked in the
quadruple garage
and their kids going to luxury school
while i went to proletariat high
and i envy all those rich academics
dreaming in the spires of learning
while i heft a box of tshirts at hobart airport
envy envy envy
i envied the guys at school older than me
cos they had started shaving..
i envied the intelligent guys
i envied the dumb muscular brutes
i envied the people who were too stupid or smart to envy anybody else
i envied the people who knew what they were gonna do
i envied the people who didnt care
i envied the kids who went to uni
i envied the kids who became labourers
i envied my dad when he dropped me off at school
how i wished i hadda job n not this horrible bully school
i envied my brother russell
cos people liked him
and he had blonde hair and an unfreckly suntan
and he seemed to fit in better than me
and everywhere i went i encountered more things to envy
i envied jeff fishpool n gary bill
cos they talked to all the girls at recess n lunchtime
i envied the kids who played drums in the school band
i envied the kids who entered the school swimming carnival
at school dances i envied the kids who could dance
and the kids who were dressed in the latest fashion
and the kids who didnt have to be home at 10 oclock
and the kids who were already smokin n drinkin
and when i left school n was in my pathetic cabaret band
we all envied other cabaret bands who played at such n suchs wedding
n got paid such n such an amount n
then i got my job in the public service
and we read thru the gazette
seeing who had been moving up the ranks
and we were envious
how did roger kaputnick get a fuckin class 5
he hasnt even got a proper degree….blah blah blah
and i envied the guys who drove big expensive cars
and who seemed to not only understand
but were committed to their pointless tedious jobs
and i was envious of the idiots who got pissed every friday lunchtime
cos at least they had some kinda boozy brotherhood
and i was envious of the people who didnt have to turn up
at this ridiculous carryon everymorning at 8 51
yes folks
we started at 8 51
or was it that we ended at 4 51 ?
and my job was to put all these farmers on a mailing list
for govt periodicals
and i read the names of their farms
and i wished i was a farmer
in some green meadow
surrounded by the silent maize
n not here
in canberra act 1970s
surrounded by the straightest most unimaginitive dorks
you can ever imagine
i mean
id like to see little rikki
back in my olde job
with that olde bunch of slobs, drunks,pricks n wankers
see how fuckin bohemian he’d feel then…ha ha
gee they loved cricket tho
and footy
and beer
and they liked women
but not their wives…very much
and eventually
i was smokin dope in my car in carpark
n it was lucky i was leaving
cos they were gonna sack me
and ha ha
a cuppla years later
one sunday night
i woulda appeared on their coloured tv screens
fresh from the chrysalis
in my new incarnation
as joe rockstar
ex humble clerk in the dept of primary industry, bureau of ag. economics
now gloriously transformed with mascara n everything
oh what revenge
i mean
i bet they were envious
tho i cant really be sure
thats the problem
unless someone tells ya
you never really sure
so c’mon
is there any one out there envying me?
please say why
you envy the time being
in no more than 25 words
starting with
i envy the time being because..
and ending with
so thats why i think the time being is scrumptious
n talented n young looking n more relevant
than the bjm
you could be in the draw
for a no-prize
or a cd that never arrives
every child player must win a prize
so eyes down n looking
thats it for today

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