posted on November 27, 2006 at 8:01 pm

neville the devil
was a hell of a man
he worked for old b.el.z.bub
delivering sneezes
and straightening out speed bumps
neville the devil
had a dog named x
and a cat called pussy
he liked to walk backwards
and he smoked liquid cigarettes
he never wrote anything down
and he didnt have a motto
his mother called him gerald
his father called him reg
he often drank but seldomly
and then hardly ever
neville the devil
had a mirror
it reflected someone elses face
the previous owners in fact
many people thought it was impossible
but many others didnt think at all
the street where he lived was one way
the wrong way
there was no chance of approaching him
neville the devil was collecting souls
he needed another 3 million or so
before his master would let him
have his long service leave
in a delicious stygian pit full of she-devils
with big red breasts n slinky tails
he polished his trident and dreamed
he dreamed of all the wickedness
the bribes n the fixes
the theft n the cheating
the larceny n forgery
the rubber cheques n the phony cigars
3 million souls eh?
well it would take some doing…
neville the devil
took the bus into town
gee its hot in here today thought the driver
whats that smell of brimstone? said mrs gwen mc donald
as she straightened out her respectability
neville the devil
jumped off outside the high n low courts
he walked into the cafe and snatched a barristers soul
n 2 crooked jurors who were having muesli bars
he moved into the judges chambers
and removed chief justice witherspoons immortal essence
bah! he said
small change!
i need something bigger faster
he thought of those she-devils
and the lovely temperatures down in the darkest pits
he needed something big
he needed a caper to set up his retirement
neville the devil
swept thru the streets
every now n then
he would stop to extract some juicy soul
uh oh
here comes that greedy dentist
the one who drilled perfectly healthy teeth
n then recommended you to his brother in law
the bent orthodontist, stanley silverstone
who charged an arm n a leg
neville the devil
quickly purloined his soul
ha! he’ll never miss it chuckled our little demon
he drifted thru parliament house
helping himself to a smorgasbord of souls
one from the left
one from the right
one from the left…
oh this was too easy
besides he only got half points on politicians
so what? b.el.z.bub said
when he had delivered up the souls
formerly belonging to the leaders of the free world
what can i do with all this junk?
neville the devil
slunk down the big end of town
where the entertainment corporations towered
skyscrapers full of salon tanned ,gold jewellry wearing
podgy, comb-over ,bmw suv driving, key to the vip pissoir
talentless, wine swilling, coke snorting, meat eating
ah said n the d
the aromatic odour of evil….!
neville the devil
could already see his holiday villa
perched above hills of magma
while lightning lit up the darkest recess of hell
he sighed
he could almost feel the she-devils tongues of flame
and their agonizing caresses
boom boom boom
he snatched 3 black souls just like that
mmm thats quite filling he thought
as the former executive producers n ad men
squirmed round in his belly
he trawled the typing pool n the art departments
reeling in his grim harvest of spirits
something big was just around the corner
some big bad bastard so evil….
neville the devil
knew he was onto the big one
some mega-nasty soul that could set him up
with a nice hades address and his own chariot of fire…
on the thirteenth floor
was a suite of offices
the private suites of sir dennis swine-browne
the head of the music biz for the entire world
you see the big 3 had become the big 2
and then sir dennis had acquisitioned the remaining one
and now
and he alone
arrogant, tasteless, macho
a big hairy chest with a “leo” pendant
hours n hours of dull anecdotes
his employees had to listen to n smile
big noting name dropping
callous, rotten , useless alpha male
sir dennis hated music n musicians
he was a fucking philistine n proud of it
he didnt want no namby pamby indy bullshit
on his label….the only label now
sir dennis thought chrissy ugly-learer was too damn artsy
sir dennis thought justin timberflake was too “bohemian”
he was looking for someone big
just like
neville the devil
at that moment
burst into sir dennis office
i want your soul
neville the devil said
said sir dennis
have i gotta deal for you?!
neville the devil
pricked up his little red ears
whats that you say?
sir dennis laughed n lit a cigar
ha ha ma boy, i can putcha name up in lights
suddenly those she-devils n hades seemed a long long way down
can ya play guitar? asked sir dennis
can ya sing or write songs?
can ya dance and move?
nope nope!
great! said sir dennis
you’ll be perfect!
and he rushed
neville the devil
into a studio….
max martin had just got a new song ready
a sizzling summer hit
for the hot one hundred
a scorching remix too
it was produced by r. mcgeddon
sir dennis right hand man
who made sure nothing good would fuck the songs chances up
the tune shot up the charts like
a bat out…hell
safely ensconced at the top of the charts
neville the devil
partied with marilyn manson
“an idiot”
ozzy osbourne
“didnt say much”
and keithy urbane
“boy , he likes to part-eee!’
he visited paris
and entered the hilton by the back door
(he was so famous)
he hung out with prez bush
(“reminds me of my old boss, but stupider”)
and he did a gig in baghdad
(“my kinda place”)
in the end tho
people got sick of satanic rock
im sorry my boy but yer career is over
sir dennis texted him one day
neville the devil was finished
he looked in his mirror
and crossed n uncrossed his cloven hooves
he said

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