who do i write for anymore…. i’ve lost track….?

its hot its cold

its raining

i feel a great despondency come down

big things little things obvious things subtle things

when youre outta whack youre outta whack

i cant get in alignment

i am cursed i am blessed

but the 2 things keep racing apart

pulling me apart

is this what they refer to as catharsis…?

the only problem in my life is people

remove the people and ive got a clean run

but everything becomes an obstacle

like when you run up a seesaw

and suddenly you start running down instead

i say the universe is a joker and the jokes on us

again i am reminded of jonah and the whale

i am running running running away from something

and something else (god?) doesnt want me to run away…

but then i dont know where i am running away from…..

you will recall jonah the prophet was sent to nineveh

to rail against its wickedness

jehovah was none too impressed with the general carry-on there

he sends his man jonah in to read the king of niv the riot act

but jonah just wants a quiet life

fuck i dont wanna go to nineveh…

he groans in aramaic (or whatever it was)

so the disobedient fellow jumps on board a ship bound for joppa

tho he already knew in his heart of hearts escape was not possible

you cannot escape fate destiny god or things of this elusive but powerful nature

somewhere inside me i am aware of what it is

but i cant put my finger on it

however nothing will be smooth until i get it right

so we imagine our jonah on that boat to joppa

his head and heart arguing

just like mine which argue constantly

you see somehow out of this i pull a lotta stuff

but its tiring and there must be other ways

jonah however was in union with jehovah

he was yoked up as they might say in yoga

he knew what he had to do

but it was a rotten job

imagine some wild lawless godless city in the desert

what kind of reception would a guy like him get there….?

“listen you lot …no more sinning……..ok….?!”

who wants that gig…..?

in some foreign town , a kinda forerunner to babylon

he was sposed to tell the king off…imagine that….!

anyway for a few miles maybe the voyage was pleasant

but there were some nasty dark clouds gathering on the horizon

i wonder if he twigged straight away…

did he think …nah…….its just a storm….its nothin’ to do with me…

and when the first raindrop hit his face did he then realise….?

as the storm got worse n worse

he began to tell the sailors it was all his fault

they should throw him overboard

well the sailors werent all bad in those days

at first they didnt want to chuck him off their boat

they musta thought jonah had some real delusions of grandeur

eventually tho when it got really rough

when the next wave might sink the boat

they hurled the hapless prophet into the brine

oh such release

drowning in cold clear water

they say after you have accepted it it is quite a rapture

(but how can you believe what anybody says about things like that…?)

anyway i guess jonah hoped he’d drown and enter some blissful nonexistence

somewhere where no one was looking for him

expecting him to do this n that…..

jesus nineveh must have been quite the place

this cat jonah would really rather not go there

and just when he’s ready to inhale that water and let go

well you all know as well as i do

a great fish swallowed him whole

a severely unpleasant experience one would imagine

deep in some stinking aquatic belly

avoiding the digestive juices etc

you see how much easier it would have been to just have gone?

anyway nevermind all that

the lesson is you cant go against the grain

like a huge edifice with one brick in the wrong place could easily topple

but i am human and more so than most (whatever that means)

the angers that inflame me glow and crackle awaiting reignition

i swell up in pointless burning heat

i cool down in a pile of ash

then chuck me off the boat i dont know where i’m going

which god wants me to do what

or am i confused ….no divine errand i must run…..?

did anybody command me to write songs n make people happy?

i dunno …i waver between wild atheistic doubt and moments of theistic glory

or plonked down in the middle heeding every voice but not getting anywhere

well thats the price you pay i guess for tuning in

some times you get every station and you cant tell them apart

are any of those voices more substantial

than some bruised little ego or id whimpering and fuming

in the safe blackness of my mind…?

this my friends is called existential angst

sartre wrote about it in nausea

have any of ya read that book…..?