i been living here in bondi 6 years now
and although i got used to the “glamour”
i got used to the squalor too
i got used to living in a substandard grotty place
with no garden…just a concrete yard
with windows that dont open prop’ly
with no water pressure
with a small 3 bedroom apt
on paper thin floor boards
so you can hear everything downstairs
(n boy how loud it must be for them:
the doodles must sound like stampeding buffalo
when theyre running around)
im used to it being blasting hot in summer
i’m used to freezing my what -nots off in winter
and huddling round the oven to get warm
i been used to the incessant cockroaches n ants n mozzies
i been used to the worn out carpet n linoleum
i been used to the noisy buggers below n next door
and i been considerate not to blast music at odd hours
(except the other night when the gutter twins came on
full bore at 2 in the morning…it was the alarm on my pod!)
yeah its a grotty place we been living
no storage no built in wardrobes no nothing
a horrible dishwasher we never use
but
i had the pool
and
the pool
and
the pool
oh how i love the pool
yes i do
i do love that pool
i love the water
i love the sauna
i love all my mates n the old blokes
i love the deep endorphin hit of twenny laps n a sauna
i love walking there across the beach
yeah i love it
it has re shaped n defined me
but
a couple of days ago
i got a letter in the mail
from the real estate office
they have been instructed because of rising prices
in all sectors
to raise the rent
70 dollars a week!
my grand total now being with garage about $666 a week
(its true)
660 bucks for a very mediocre little dump
a nice balcony
a nice sunroom
but…..660 bucks…?!
and to let us know the week before christmas…
its real fucken scrooge material, isnt it?
(the lady aint no christian (literally n figuratively))
shes gotten greedy
oh well
thats her problem
i aint paying 666 bucks a week
for this
especially cos i am about to start paying off le tax homme
at some crippling weekly rate
and i still neeed a new car
and i need prescription glasses
(remember i left mine in a cab after tibet do?)
and we all need to see le tooth quack
you know
all that regular family stuff
and quite frankly
seventy bucks a week for this joint
is the nail in the coffin of this episode
even if mr joe wealthy or rich subscriber
piped up
n said
i’;ll pay that extra seventy
i’m still moving out
i been squeezed out
i’m a statistic
a rent payer squeezed out of sydneys east subs
i check the internet
what else can you get round here for 666 bucks
not too bloody much
2 bedroom flats
or tiny dingy 2 bedroom terraces…if youre lucky
at least my current place had some views
n it was full o’ light
so where else can i fucking live
yes i could move down the coast n drive into syd
or up the coast
but i wanna
but i needa city
sometimes
i dont wanna be in some little parochial town
where me n natalie are the weirdest parents at school
but
adelaide…..nah
perth…nice but too far away
darwin…..not for me
canberra….yawn..i neeed the sea!
brissie….i like but too hot for nk
well lets see
hmmm
i spent some time in melbourne
gee i always liked it there
specially bayside
i got my polinski in melbourne
i got my sam s
i got my sarah l
i got my donald b
i got my glen bennies
i got my martin kennedys
i got my golden memories of moorabin days
and cakey with uncle cyril n auntie eve in acland st
i get on the net
wow
just to get some idea of rents
jaysus christ!
you can rent a 3 or 4 bedge house
with gardens n ac n heating n garage n
all the blah blah blahs for under 500 a week
and if i ever do get my deposit together
you could afford to buy something reasonable
and its bayside right
the sea air
it aint the surf
but its the sea, aint it
yeah them leafy quiet suburbs next to the bay
a new career in a new town
bondis spitting us out
i just cant pay thru the nose for a dump
i see the lovely gardens in bayside real estate
my kids come n google properties with me
they were sad about leaving
but now theyre real excited
ooohing n cooing
as we look at the nice places available
for much much less then here in bondi
with its ten million backpackers
with its ten million dog poos
with its brazilian gangsters n russian mafia
n with its blow-ins n its ten million dress shops
i’m getting out of this incessant sun
maybe i’ll go white again…
n guess what
as an added bonus
thee mr ricky is threatening to move there too
so uh
thats it
i’m gonna try n make this happen
quick!
ps
i also saw the triffids film
its great
but i’m a bit miffed
there should have been a bit more of me
they edited out a couple of vital songs
it pissed me off!
my voice is shot but i’m very animated
and ….
hey
i’m letting that go too
along with the greedy uncharitable landlady
(a monster of dickensian proportions)
and i’m gonna do something new
i hope
i hope escape bondis orbit intact
i ve had enough
and enough equals enough, right?
in spades