ha ha bib pectins back like he never wennaway

cor blimey i’m such a likely lad eh what you betcha little lovely

someone asked me to reminisce th’other night

some top notch awards ceremony in a (scout)hall in broads head

my fave aussie moments in rocknroll c’mon bib please be a rack on tour for us

well christ lemme think i says between champers

and vegi-sushi nibbles with that fucken sauce i don’t like…

i turned to me manager banga pearson who once worked for chuggy himself

i told you not to ever have this stuff served at my gigs

but bib-0 says banga

this aint your fuckin’ gig me old sunny jim jam wham bam thank you ma’am

get on with the story bib you turkey or i’ll dim your bloody sim for ya!

can’t remember what i was saying banga when you interrupted me…

about your fave aussie rock moments in your ill-ustrious careering…

oh yeah well one would have to be johnny hooch and the young new stars

the young new stars were anything but young or new or stars

such is the power of the media

chicks flocked to these mock turtles like yabbies towards a bit of meat

johnny hooch that wasn’t even his real name…

fuck i wish i’d thought of that instead of being bib pectin

or even johnny pectin has a bit of wallop ya know what i mean

although bib hooch is quite a fine moniker too for a refined avuncular wild yet mild man

a swooning crooner who wears the crown

among the cabaret clowns who drown in maudlin towns

anyway johnny friggin’ hooch and the the new young ding dongs

are like in this hotel man down in the east lake airport strip

some hot night they just did a fuckin’ gig and pulled a thousand people

and some bastard ran away with the door

the whole door for the whole night

and hoochie bring some you know ha ha senoritas back to room 113

and he no called hooch for nothing you know what i really mean here

some other idiot gotta speargun

in johnnys room the champagne has been flowing and flown

strewn clothes carelessly adorn the dawning

man i shoulda been floored just by the beer

and whatever was that christmas cheer hooch picked up here

before he flew there where he had a pair of sold out blocks

the first señorita

you see she’s lapping up fames big lie ha ha like a cat yes yes

oh johnny i love your music so much blah blah ha ha ha

oh yeah which song you like best little stranger?

oh i dunno there names johnny i just love the way the feel to me

which is good for you johnnie cos i wanna be good to you too

in those days i used to open for hooch strange as it may seem now

i used to go up to his room

he always had the best fucking room in the joint

and vice versa naturally seeing he was the hooch man himself right

his big number one hit written by boswell scallywag and tob bobbin

banga what was that called…. that one….?

i call you zephyr cause you blow?

nah banga not that one the one about the scrubber in the flat

that really romantic one…?

fuck that was a great song what was it called…..?

recorded by dennis menagerie wasn’t it at nausea studios …?

you mean the old rex vomit place in new oldham….?

not the place wrinkled carrot made hedgehog….?

mate wrinkled carrot didn’t even play on hedgehog that was the old new young stars

but who played the solo on my girl rat?

that was tiggy moss-gosse from fearsome waterfowl

really i never knew tiggy could play like that ….

but what about johnny hooch and the lads…back at the hote-ie…?

yeah a guy turned up was actually mr asias dad mr asia snr

opiated hash carved into replicas of buddha man heavy as your heart

hooch and mr asia snr get totally ripped on the products at hand

hooch smoked almost a whole sid-arthur before he stopped

then mr asia snr says now where iss my munny hooch…?

but says hooch i didn’t get paid at the gig sir i got fleeced as you might say…

things turn nasty

one of the roadies of the flamboyantly dull knocks over the aquarium

shorts out the lights and everyones in the dark

the guy with the speargun fires into the darkness

as the cops bust down the door and a news elly-coptah ‘overs hoverhead

and the guy who signed em to tepid records rolls up with a fucking cheque for a hundred grand

bullshit. he also had a nuff coke-ayne to last a legion of actors and footy stars a leap year

and the models and playboy bunny who was the premiers mistress sister to manny gambini at the cross

he had vatty-kin ties dyed with that lot who whip emselves through the streets of meddy-evil movies

johnny hooch was also a 13th dan jing jing-u master

i saw him take on a senior girls hockey side with ‘is guitar still ‘anging off ‘im

plus the cops were on the take from mr asia snr

it was give n take actually

and hooches twin brother gerald at that moment showed up

he was a senator in some bi election

fuck!

yes!

what happened then?

what?

what bloody happened then?

?

oh well

send five euros to pectin@you’avemunny.org.ie

and i might tell ya what happened next…if yer lucky….