dead crabs lay on the bottom of the icebergs pool
the water is cold
uninviting
what am i doing swimming in here today
its grey and windy
the ocean is metallic with white crests appearing
bondi is dull and deserted
just the endless building and renovation
the same olde tiresome characters (like me)
the same olde dips n trips
everything gets on my nerves
my energy ebbs away
even this blog pisses me off
why am i writing it again?
i see some little idiot virus has infested the comments again
i can hardly be bothered squashing it
i see people are having conversations there
after i asked them not to
i see some people do appreciate that im trying to give em
the dark stuff
i write my blog live
and if i feel bad
it all goes in
this is an experiment
im telling you the truth
something has upset the applecart
what is this subtle alteration
that changes everything?
why does everything seem so meaningless suddenly?
yes it must have been the buzzz
wow
or something…
yes ive been going a bit hard lately
its all caught up with me
but im not pleading hard done-by
almost every bad thing
that ever happened to me
was done by
me
well i wanted to feel high
then i had to feel low
i wanted bliss
then i got despair
i wanted out
but i got stuck further in
i wanted to fly
so i had to fall
oh i knew all of this
so long ago
i write my blog
its there for everyone to read
doesnt everyone get sick of themselves sometimes?
im a lot to be sick of…
im incessant
i dont switch off
my songs n words
my bad reviews
my scornful neglect
my anger and my revenge
my guilt
my sense of hopelessness
my delusions of grandeur
my cancerous envy
my smart remarks
my grovelling insincerity
my brutal desire
my wheedling whining whinging ways
my stupid accent
my tedious addictions
my self righteous baloney
yeah
its all going round n round
on the bad days
on the days you dont see me round that much
on the days with dead crabs and squashed cockroaches
the days bills arrive
the days of refusals and overdue accounts
the days that are always slow and heavy
days when no ones home
days when no ones answering
days when theyve run out of the good stuff
and no one’ll lend ya a hundred bucks
and people are trying to find ya
dropping hints
laying on hexes n curses
changing it all around
laughing at me for being a fool
hissing at me for being a villain
clawing at me cos i was somebodys hero
hiding in the shadows n periphery
taking potshots at me
taking down my posters
taking my identity
taking my living out of my hands
black september
tuesday afternoon
minna arrives
nervy n jumpy as she is
shes so lovely to look at
ah thats just narcissism talking
its how you looked at 16 isnt it
now thats long ago
long long ago
in 1970
that was 37 years ago time being
since you were sweet sixteen
with your prince valiant haircut
n yer little blue mazda
all those days n nights that passed
like ripples on a black lake
minna with it all before her
you with it all behind ya
the glory days
the gravy train
the legendary glow of olde times
you never think youll ever be fifty said dad n laughed
now im sitting here with my teenager
i want to get through but i dont know how
a bit like you n me, dad, i suppose
you knew by the time i was ready to talk
itd probably be too late
and now i fear the same thing
everything i say sounds silly to a 16 year olde
be careful
be home early
call me if you need me
yeah yeah dad sure sure
now i got all this advice
no one can listen to it
now i got all these ideas
no ones interested
just when i came good
it all started going bad
when i became honest
i had to let sleeping dogs lie
blah blah blah blah blah
me me me me me
eeny miney meany mo fo
what else?
what else could there be?
funny how you chase one thing
you catch another
but we all knew that
didnt we?
already
nothing new here
but
im just sitting in this feeling trying to figure it out
sinking in the quicksand
emptiness is so frightening
nothingness
nihilism
no reason to be good or bad
no reason to show up or bow out
no reason to write
no reason to comment
no reason to answer my own questions
and the end?
it draws closer
the end of this blog
the end of this day
the end of this life
the end of ends
crawling like a snail
suddenly rushing up on ya
like it did for grant
and johnny lennon
and tyrone power
and ann boleyn
and shakespeare fading away by my age
and nijinsky who burnt brightly n then rotted
and manfred von richtofen who fell out the sky
and all the other dead-uns
thats the ground rushing up to meet ya
thats the edge of the precipice
thats the abyss, buddy
do ya like the way it feels
gonna have to walk that black corridor
gonna have to walk thru that storm
and lose everything again
but i still believe
that
after that
will be
the light