posted on April 25, 2008 at 9:53 pm

feeling troubled and anxious myself
something not feeling right
worried about money
worried about the future
my ears ring
my teeth in bad shape
winter comes and everything seems a struggle
a million things to do
falling behind further and further
cannot keep up or hope to keep up with it all
red tape to go through
forms to fill in
appointments to keep
look in the mirror…getting old
(you are old!)
falling behind and slacking off with my disciplines
the bad habits and vices dominate
tonight i’m playing at someones wedding
its making me nervous too
i dont want to cock this gig up….
but i imagine that i could
yeah…playing at a wedding…the wedding singer
ha ha
ive done the parties here comes the weddings
actually the truth is i walk away with more money
from these types of gigs
than when i do the blah blah blah lounge in town
i’m all confused
i realise i’m still not “working” working, right?
i should be happy, i guess
but i always wanted more than i ever got
and i s’pose i’m like humanity in that way
anyhow seeing this IS my blog
i can confide that i always thought
something or someone would come along
recognize my “talent”
and somehow i could recover from the heroin days
when i lost everything i had
as time goes on n on
i cant see it ever happening
and i’ve become a bit of a jack of all trades
which is alright
in itself
but im not feeling real confident right now
in any way at all
any small wave coming along could sink the ship in fact
i know you all got the same worries as me
and none of this is anything new
nor can i come up with anything sunny today
even tho it is actually sunny outside in sydney
i feel cold broke and on the outside looking in
the inevitable moves in closer
and dreams recede
petty ambitions
petty obstructions
i see complete imbeciles living it large
and im filled with caustic envy and jealousy
i see injustice and evil and hopelessness
and im filled with impotent useless rage
i see this world and i feel nothing ever changes
just like me in microcosm
plagueing myself with the same old stuff
nothing much on the horizon
except more argy-bargy
more wrangling n jostling
more ducking n fuckin’ weaving
this is how it is….
yet we are changeable creatures
there is always hope….we hope
anyhow if you got kids you cant give up
which makes things even harder
you gotta try n put a good face on it
you gotta do your best
and you gotta do whatever you can
you do everything for the children
who grow up move out
and then it all starts all over for them
we are born into red tape and argy-bargy
we get sent to school for an “education”
which really means
programmed to fit into the system
the pre-existing system of civilization
the other beasts dont work so hard as us
they just live life in the moment
most of em got food n shelter and sex
the things that motivate humans…
but they dont sit in offices to get it
they dont drive trucks for thousands of miles
or dig ditches everyday
or lug boxes or make deliveries
or down mines in the dark
or up some pole fiddling with the wires
consider the dolphins who spend only 10 % of their time
catching fishies
the rest of the time they play and swim and presumably have “fun”
my old man worked 6 days a week his whole life
and he had his “fun” on sunday afternoon..if he had any energy
i used to think we humans had it made
but now im not so sure…
nothing you can really do about it
even if you recognize it
couldnt it have been more than this?
im not complaining really
i got it easy…i know i know
its just….

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