baby
its like an arrow in my eye
the far thing
neither beast norman
shutting down merrie olde england
the blurred crusade…well here we go
lord parlophone having annexed lyonesse and tir na nog
approached in the etherworld by an indian spirit
he whose mountain is ever clear
and having laid waste much of south umbria
then surrounded his brother
the earl lee byrd
whereupon germany promptly sat by the rhine figuring out perspective
and some old housewives did toil upon the kilbeaux tapestry
william (billy) the conqueror
heard the 12 string burns
and captain cook us up some great southern land
french entered anglo-saxon
and begot our luverly land-gwidge
lord steven of the lowlands
architect of the resistance
already tres formidable
a renaissance man in an era of pure dross
consulted long with his lords in hyperborea
and unleashed a silvery blast on his great horn
summoning his free champions
count pieter de rooos
lord pipe-ah
and the dutch rebel dyke plog
they fought a valiant camp pain
bringing down the houses of york-razy
and laying siege to the hole of fame
steven
who looked like a true king of old
with a proper medieval beard and everything
a special gap between the mustache
a man for all seasons
a panther in late autumn
king leer
faithful servant of his sovereign liege
upholder of the queens sheets
licking her wounds in the east tower
richard gear
shorn chronologically
oh mi lady
lord steven with the gap in his mustache
awaits your royal pleasure
in the room with soft carpets
and tiny things tinkling in the august breezes
see how his shiny chain mail clings to his bulging calves
his lute slung over his back
his grey eyes in a weather beaten yet serene face
his hand e’er on the pommel of his great sword
lest any should catch him unawares
oh even in medieval days
even in these darkling ages
a handsome man is still a handsome man
and a relief that this good kind somewhat modern looking man
should save his queens country for last
as he knelt
pledging his troth
fulfilling her oath
and craving a boon
pulling forth her own royal map
she showed him the deep fertile valleys of wessex
the lovely hills of bristol
the impregnability of her ports
the already held hampton wicke
her loyal serpent
thrust his sturdy dagger down into the map
the queen started in surprise
well-in guard n city…no no
you cannot go in there my lord
suddenly billy the kid conquer or
called mad uncle willie by his nephew cuthbert the badly-named
and called big king willie by his chambermaid ethel redding
and called king-o for short but not for long
by his plotting scheming half brother alice
meanwhile the bishop of woosta-sheer
a saucey sod
and loyal to duke umheer-offen
signed the deal with plantagenet records and tapes
and executed 40 serfs at their single launch
baron fatso from little italy was not yet on the scene
i’m almost with you said william the conk
as he gave hereward the wake up
youre fucking history mate called out king harold
hey you should check out david bowie in an eyepatch
because dude youre gonna be needing one !called back william
in norman
(oooh!)
archers let loose he commanded
still in norman
the sun was blotted out by their shafts
their black feathered bolts rained down …oh harry!
oh england!
we are lost
we are lost!
now we’ll have to learn how to spell rendez-vous
and pronounce raison d’etre
and learn to eat what…?
bits of froggies?
meanwhile the queen stitched diligently at the kilbeaux tapas tree
and evil barren carrere
a french ponce and cheat
took off with the royalties
the houses of lang-caster
the houses of tele- caster
the houses of love and viscount guy de shad-wicke
the knights of malteasers
the bish shops and the bash shops
the slurping usurper cnut the burper
and little bonno his jester
all the tennys court with their grande balls
all perished in the sword shortage of 66
scotland took back their kilts
and the japanese attacked wales
the french went on to invent berets
the italians gave us italian and italian garlic dressing
the maltese gave us falcons
the english gave us toffee and crosse and blackwells marmalade
the irish gave us belfast frank and dublin frank
the isle of man gave us testicles
and the normans gave us wisdom
see…?
tomorrow: unravelling the 8 henrys