white sands
grey sky
is this a forgery…?
can this be trusted not to….
forward then
dunes
the lakes
interlocking
surface ripples run away
dark shapes glide underwater
sift through the shifting sands
shells in green pools which are each a universe
the rain
the gentle gentle rain
the rain falls so softly
so abstractly
like fingers on your skin
skyfingers make you shiver
you see your reflection
here the lake is your mirror
oh you are you are you are….
its you
the sudden panes of your eyes
the certain planes of your cheeks
the lines radiating outwards
you you you
the word becomes meaningless
reiteration: you you you
you are me
me you me you
him
him
kilbey for now
kilbey for short
kilbey its you i write
though stupidly
because i as him is you
because
i
as
him
is
you
the clearwater delta
the sweet cleaves to the salty
a sign
welcome
says the sign
it swings there in the slight gentle breezes
the rain makes soft sounds
yes a kiss i grant you
morning is a document
i unroll it unevenly
welcome says that sign
welcome to
life after
life park
and i see the rates
it reads
mon to thurs
with its prices
and fri to sun
with its rates
and its special offers
i turn
and 2 girls are at my side
2 wonderful cheerful angels
day and night
or
yes and no
or any other resolvable opposites
we are looking down at the sea shells
and i stoop down to look closer and closer
at the shells
some unbelievable careless god has strewn here
some half mad old master who has turned his hand to shells
all in black and white
zebra striped
and curved
and parallel and
forever curving round and round
day picks up a shell
holds it to her ear
and listens
how does it do that ? she asks
i dont really know i say
she laughs
is this gods work? i ask
of course she says
yes of course it is says the other
the girls treat me like a boy
i must be an old man by now
but they treat me like a boy
we stand on the beach outside the park
people have got caravans and cabins
and the trees grow wildly all over the place
i wonder …i say
yes yes…they both say
what is it that you wonder…?
i wonder if this is the place…?
the memories are vague
what was once solid is now transparently gone
what was once with is now without
what was all about was…..deep within
the afternoon stretched on and on
morning had been a brief candle
but this afternoon was omnipresent
this afternoon was indeterminate
it was vague and deliberately vague
it was not for living in
it was not for being anywhere
and yet i had wandered beneath its pines and its palms
in amongst its treetops
in its tracks and its gullies
i had stumbled through the fern and the bracken
like a real interloper
ignore the signs i had said to no one in particular
we climbed up a deep treed hill
all alive with flame flowers and flame red parrots
you two are my crew then i said
yes yes they say
yes thats right….
and they laugh to each other
what has changed? i wonder
because something sure seems like
it must have changed
we march up and up to the top
we look out over everything
the lakes ripple away like electric pianos
the sea is almost black under the steel grey sky
the metalwork sky
the clouds boil up and the soft rain still falls
the streams trickle in the afternoons sides
those two sit there at the summit
looking all around
its like a real holiday isnt it ?one says
yes it is says the other
the angry cruel and merciless sea
oh yes
always you are there
at the back of everything
like the north wind
like a friend who makes you do stupid things
stay away from the sea
never turn your back on the sea said the sign
dangerous currents read the sign
no swimming it said
who would want to swim today ? said one
not me said the other
we watched the sea
kilbey and me
and the child
and the other child
but each child carried the shadow
of yet another child and
another other child
and i was becoming confused
i could not remember to whom i had said what
and whatever it was i was saying
the girls and their distant doubles
who had sent them then….?
we sat at the deserted picnic tables
i wish i had something to eat i said
what would you have? asked one
i would have a sandwich and a drink i said
me too said the other
that would be good said the first
but we sat there
sandwichless it seemed
somethings rustling in the undergrowth
whats that ? says one
i dont know says the other
they both look to me
maybe pygmies i say
listen for the * of their blow pipes
(kilbey makes a sound like thhhwah )
this sound amuses them
they walk along for the next five minutes going thhhwaw!)
that doesnt sound like a pygmies blowpipe says one to the other
oh? says the other sadly…doesnt it…?
not at all says the first with much authority
suddenly they both appeal to me for my boys decision
obviously even a very old boy like me
knows more about blowpipes than these little angelic companions
it doesnt does it says the first
it does, doesnt it says the second
4 eyes watch me
now weve got you …say both girls together
i could not bear to disappoint them by choosing
and we let the matter go
although the other one occasionally went thhhwah
and the first one would tut tut and roll her eyes
and we would all smile at each other warily
what else lives in these bushes ? they asked
snakes? said one
spiders? said the other
wolves i say
really? says one
of course not says the other
we all stood there wondering
lions and lambs i said eventually
but the lion would eat the lamb they both say
looking perplexed
no
i say
this time he would refrain…
we decide to walk into the caravan park after all
its allright says one
they wont mind says the other
an old lady suddenly comes bustling out of a van
hello hello she says in her whispery voice
i wanted to stay for a while i said
she looks at me up and over
her black eyes drink me down
like a cup of tea and a packet of bex…
just you ? she asks softly
i look around for my friends
who seem to have wandered off
oh i suppose so …i say
i reach in my pockets for money
but i find nothing in there
except a few still sandy shells
oh you can pay me later…she says…afterwards….
she shows me to my van
i unlock the door and climb in
it is still and warm inside
a contemplative silence
this darkness
the hillside of trees
the vaguely dawdling afternoon
the gulls wheel way on high
a school of fish has just surfaced in the lagoon
a bunyip stretches out underwater and yawns
the sand glitters even in the oncoming late faded day
in my caravan kilbey lays on the bed
the girls sit by his side
talking to each other
sometimes it seems they speak another language
sometimes they seem to be english or american
sometimes they communicate in furtive gestures
and soundless mouthing of words
oh look she left some cake for us
and a cup of tea..
they drink the tea
they eat the cake
its delicious says one
its de-luscious says the other
i sit up and look in the mirror
the mirror in the little wardrobe door
the mirror doesnt register me much
i see some tanned skin
some freckles
mousy wispy hair
beard
only the eyes make any impression
but its a mistake i suppose
maybe he cant see that well anymore
maybe hes not looking into my eyes after all
he seems busy
he seems jumpy like he has something better to do
he seems tired
he seems not to be myself
girls chatter chatter
youve written this story before says one girl
with the gulls and the fish says the other
the caravan and the park…
the 2 girls….
the waning afternoon
the low ebb of the gentle rain
the alone-ness without the loneliness…
without the emptiness….
yes youve left the emptiness behind you now
no not yet …oh, i dont know….
a deck of cards on the table
show us a trick says one
yes a trick says the other
i sort out the aces kings queens and jacks
dont ask me how this works it just does
there were 4 old ladies….still quite attractive i guess
i say
and i lay the four aces down
they come to an inn
and seek shelter
the innkeeper puts them in a room
no hanky panky he says
whats that? says the other one first
never mind says the other
then 4 old gentlemen , you know still handsome..
i lay down the kings
they get a room across the hall from the old dears
no hank panky says the innkeeper
then 4 young ladies
i lay down the queens
then 4 young men
i lay down the jacks
all in these four rooms
no hanky panky
they all go down for dinner
i pick up the cards
put them together
on the way back to their rooms….
a blackout
please cut the deck…
one cuts first
then the other
they gaze on at the cards
solemnly
and this is what happens
in each room appears ace king queen jack
oh no they all say
as the innkeeper comes marching up the stairs
suddenly another blackout
i pick up the sixteen cards
please cut
one cuts
then the other
when the lights come back on we have…voila
all the people are back in their right rooms
and look
ace ace ace ace
king king king king
queen queen queen oh no…
a jack is among the queens
and a queen has slipped among the jacks
the girls giggle
i like it better that way says one
did they get kicked out? asked the other wide eyed
how would he know? asked the first
because hes written this story before…
the afternoon
warm weather
the reeds whispering
the old lady at deaths door
the blue cranes
the crow blacker than black
the sky now greyer than ever
greyer than ever after too
ever after all that
the mauve berries that glow on black trees
the giant soldier ants running to and fro
a cascading brook
a meandering creek with white lilies and crooked willows
fish drift with the current towards the sea
the rain fills the creek
the creek fills the sea
the sea rises up as steam
to fill the clouds
to rain down once more
same and different at once
circles
cycles
the snake swallows its tail
we appear
we rise
we fall
we are reabsorbed
we appear again
i tried a piece of cake
yes
it was delicious