if you really love your time being
if yer a dyed in the wool killer lover
if you think yer humble hero is the bees knees
and you hate reading about my disappointments
then you should stop reading now

ok
hmm
most of you still reading
i guess yer curiosity is stronger than yer love for ttb then
anyhow…
i wake up today with 4 extra gurls all giggling n carrying on
the doodles had a sleep over
and we had jasmine sophie magda n coco joining us
the woofle wasnt asleep until after midnight
being completely wound up on cakey and older kids
when i got ‘ome from me gig
nks sittin’ there talking the woofle down like shes had a bad trip
the woofle is stretched out twitchin’ n sweatin’
her bodys packed it in
but her eyes still glance round the room furtively
shes so wound up
does she even recognize or say anything to her olde weary daddy?
nope
eventually she fades away into a mega sleep….thank god
but the other kids going all night long
giggling singing
hissing whispering
talking moving about
even now i keep begging em to be quiet
but they not listening
eve n aurora fomenting revolt
anyway
beyond all this gurlie malarkey
yesterday
rehearsed in the morning
an ad hoc band getting together to play for sculptures by the sea
featuring moi on 12 n vox
brendan gallagher on vox n electric six
bernie hayes on vox n electric six
jonny z on bass (one of best there is)
pete odoherty on ac 6 n vox
dec o doherty (petes son) on drums
we rehearsed in a tres cool underground studio in alexandria
part of an ex-mexican style villa like you might see in la
in fact with the weather n everything
i felt very much on this particular corner
that i was in la
i drive there with brendan who lives in my street
oh that window isnt working he says pointing to mine
uh ok i say
and uh the a/c aint working neither says bg
but we’ll have the other windows down he assures me
cos its a warmish day
until bg gets a call about some music hes working on
and all the windows go up and i stifle n suffocate
in the oxygenless atmosphere of this silly saab
anyway
the studio is great
we have a great rehearsal
each singer ll do 3 or 4 each
the songs are a mixture of covers n our own
walk a mile in my shoes by joe south
bernie sings that
pete sings nilssons me n my arrow
i did randwick bells n walk on the wild side
etc
anyway the gig was inside the walls of the bondi pavillion
it was a perfect clear warm night with cool breezes
there was free grog n much slapping of backs
we get on stage
(after a few too many “steve kilbey” jokes
by smartass compere simon from the abc
and
if he continues sunday
the killer will retaliate
friends or no friends)
(sample: we got some top rate musos up next AND steve kilbey)
anyhow we do 1st song
providence as usual i guess
lovely rambling rollicking version
i get in the mood
out here under the stars
apparently i’m not coming thru that good with the p.a.
but i’m blissfully ignorant
put me all into it
everyone playing great
we finish
wait for it
nothing
did fucking one person in the crowd
other than amanda brown n my mate nelg clap?
did they fuck!!
like a fighter taking a hammering too early on
i’m just lost the wind right outta my sails
(and sales too i guess)
no nothing from the crowd
who are actually starting to leave
the other guys sing some songs
they get meagre applause
but at least something
my turn comes back
we do randwick bells (its in the eastern subs)
a nice aching version
i try to try again
we finish
nothing
fuck em
i keep mah head down
i play the rest of the night in a blur
strumming along
halfway thru the nite
my guitar goes from inaudible to unbearable in the foldback
i say i dont wanna play milky way to others in band
they kinda agree until this bint jumps up n asks for it
primed by host smart alecs little impersonation of me singin’ it…
so the band all suddenly going
we gotta play it
i reluctantly n with a heavy heart
and with not one ounce of sincerity or feeling
with my eyes closed n my pulse racing
with my cheeks blushing
and a terrible anger somewhere inside
i try to sing
my fuckin’ mike aint even working
fuck it! i say to the others
i dont wanna play it
but they n audience kinda demand it
it would be real churlish to not do it now
bernie gives me his mike
wow he could hear himself n everything…!
and i do it
in a cold fugue
i bark out the stupid fuckin’ words
that make these wankers happy
sho’enuff
they all deleriously waltz about
suddenly ‘aving such a good time
wish i knew what you were looking for they all sing
mercifully it ends
even then they clap briefly n…its over
i pack up and a few people come up
to say that utmw is blah blah blah
as if i really look like i care at this stage
finally
as just a weird extra stupid thing
a lady who quite frankly
i woulda thought was a very tough lesbian
with short black hair n blokes clothes
was following me about
as i tried to pack up my malfunctioning gear
saying things like
youre god
and looking at me and seeing a vision of some golden apollo
instead of a cranky old disappointed bastard in his mid fifties
who was tired of casting his uncultured pearls
before these particular swine…
to make matters worse
she was kinda mumbling her deifying praises
causing me to have to ask several times what it was
or just suffer her abject adoration as she muttered
like a nun saying her rosary
no there was nothing wrong with that i guess
nor am i ridiculing this lady at all
except everything considering it was just the limit
my friend nelg drifted away with that sad look in his eyes
that “killer yer wasting yer talent here” look
finally gotta lift home with jonny z
and came in to find the woofle
all dressed up with nowhere to go
hey
but i got paid already
am i lucky
or
unlucky…?
i cant decide

the band again playing between 10 am n noon
tamarama beach sydney on sunday
or on abc radio nationwide