posted on March 17, 2009 at 8:36 pm

i accelerate into the future
i paint my seizure
my mouth down n blue
my eyes roll back in my head
i enter a field of excruciating pain
all around the screaming cacophony of hell
the light is blinding me
it goes in my eyes and bores into my brain
the noise opens me up
fire surrounds me
the smell of brimstone
a hideous sulphuric wasteland
i am trapped
trapped in a moment
no way out
i try to get out of that moment
but it has congealed around me
i am fastened in
i bounce against its frames and walls
everything intensifies
the flames burn cold
colder than death
colder than nothing
i say
steven you gotta get outta here
i say
somebody please
i gotta get outta here
i scream but in that place everything is screaming
i struggle but i am isolated
i smash into the edges but they hold me fast
a million years go by
each second takes a century
each thought is a nightmare of gothic proportion
i see myself reflected in the glare of unconsciousness
i convulse inside and outside and here and beyond
a filthy malignant spirit envelopes me
bawling in my ear
i ricochet around in my moment
the moment which holds me too fast for you
the moment is tearing me apart
there is only now
and now is terrible
everything that was numb is hurting
everything that was hurting has erupted in white hot searing agony
my eyes blink open n closed i can still see
i fight so hard
to gather myself
whats left of myself
my will my wherewithal
to resist
to resist
my resistance becomes more agony
what am i resisting after all….a moment…?
somewhere out there
unbeknownst to me
my wife is calling an ambulance
but i am oblivious to any other time or place
horrible things are fighting over me
they drag me into their place howling with glee
as i bang around in my moment
my heart is beating so slowly now
faintly like a distant drum
my mansuit is sweating great drops of precious electrolytes
my electrical system has gone haywire
my brain is trying to telegraph a rhythm to my heart
but all the lines are down
my heart left on its own for the first time
doesnt know what to do
it flutters it quivers
it speeds up n slows down to almost nothing
inside the moment
my lungs suck in flame
my blood has thickened to a crimson sludge
my empty guts writhe tortuously
a pounding behind my blind eyes
a roaring behind my deaf ears
a burning under my dumb skin
i put everything into trying to get out
i am falling apart
i am just a survival instinct
i am just pain
i am just ache
i am just throb throb throb
i am drowning in my own sweat
i am evaporating within my own fire
without any warning
i emerge into a quiet dark night
natalie is on the phone giving an address
natalies father is holding me gently down in a chair
i am out
it starts again
i start to lose myself
forget myself
hell yawns wide
my seat tilts
and i slide back down into the fires
the creatures all begin to shriek
i claw my way back out
but they have hold of my legs
everything going BANG BANG BANG
the moment looms
the moment re envelopes me
i scream inside the moment soundlessly
and again i re emerge
natalie is telling the ambulance PLEASE COME QUICKLY
i look around
i dont need an ambulance…
not me….
not yet….
i dont want to go anywhere
and then again
hell yawns for third time
back in i go
same old stuff
same old racket
same old nothingness
same old fear
same old devils
just when i cant bear another thing
i emerge finally again
the ambulance has arrived
its a cool night in bondi
a quiet night
its about a quarter to eleven
jesus christ!
could anything be worse
than that terrible place?
oh vishnu
i never wanna return there……

44 Responses to “seizure salad”

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