last nite i had the terrible misfortune to watch shine a light
a few misguided souls had vaguely recommended it
and besides
it was martin frickin’ scorsese directing it
it couldnt be a tragic old pile of tripe n bilge, could it?
oh yes it could!
it was bloody woeful
the 1st question is :
couldnt jagger stop sprinting about just for a minute
and…here comes a revolutionary idea, mick….SING?
jagger croaks n barks out the songs without the slightest thought
the words are now meaningless syllables
that he hoarsely shouts as he goes thru his exercise routine
nothing…not even some well deserved irony…no feelings
pass through any of the material
the stones are playin’ in the beacon theatre new york
where your very own olde time rocker played in 88
(as i remember we were tres mediocre!)
an intimate venue for them…
maybe jagger can no longer, like, “personally” perform
he is so used to the huge stadia n mega-domes
he cant stand in a theatre n actually “sing”
you know mick
think about the words
reinterpret them
play with em
change em
hit some actual musical notes
nail the melody
i dont know
but anything
ANYTHING!?
except this
not even hollow or empty
not even anything
i cant even fuckin’ think of an adjective
to truly describe how abysmal jagger has become
now look here mister
i used to worship mick jagger
i read books about him
i imitated him
i still fuckin’ do if i neeed to
listen to the high vocals on crystalline rush..
i loved jagger
i love every stones album up to black n blue
i know the words
i know the myth
ive seen cocksucker blues (the real stones film!)
i was an obsessed n obsessive fan of the stones
and all their implications n innovations
but lets face it by 76 it was all over
unless you like start me up
but i dont
anyhow
this film is a moral story on peter pans
who are still trying to do the same old thing forever
everything has subtly deterioated into something else
jaggers rebellious feyness is now a prissy queenish awkwardness
his urgent dancing is now a series of aerobic trots n feints
his loquacious hand gestures are now like arm exercises
his animal grace is like a very fit p.e. teacher
whos had too much coffee at recess
his sexual grind is now like chimp getting shocked
everything about it is bloody ‘orrible
the choice of songs is ‘orrible
lets break up the horror with some amazing things:
jaggers hair is amazing
its like boy of 17s hair with all its thickness shine n bounce
not many guys at 45 let alone 65 have hair like that
vince noir will still be proud of jaggers do
ditto for ronnie wood whose hair is thick black n spiky
the 4 main stones are all very very slim
amazing for gents in their 60s…dont forget that
they seem more youthful from a distance
than most geezers half their age
who at 30 are often getting their first set of double chins
jagger must exercise nearly as much as madonna
(saw a pic of her on her latest tour
she would now be a perfect sea-hag…scary stuff!)
and goes to show you can overdo anything
yes it is amazing that a 65 year old can dash about like that
mind you the dashing about completely negates any “singing”
but why be fit if you dont run around n around n around
ok thats it for amazing things
next
the absolute nadir was jagger singing ” as tears go by”
which stripped of its teenage insolent naivety
becomes a croaky jingle
in which the silly olde sod
cant resist the ever present but meaningless frantic gesticulation
in other numbers
he runs up to drummer charlie watts
pulling a faux face of excitement
but often
too often
jagger comes across as a slightly retarded geriatric ape
his huge mouth opening n closing of its own accord
meanwhile theres keef
you wanna see what an endless diet
of booze n cigs ‘ll make ya look like, kids
keef also invokes some simian comparisons
which is a shame
coz he was once the epitome of cool
a rocknroll pirate or whatever the fuck
elegantly wasted etc
now hes truly of dorian gray proportions
his overdone eyeliner n his funny dangly tassles
make him look like great aunt flo
whose been drinking scotch n having monkey gland shots
he has wrinkles that would make methusaleh do a double take
he shuffles n laughs n mutters
pissed permanently out of his skull
forever puffing on a fucking ciggie
how pathetic
sometimes he looks around the room
with a look of vague panic like a senior cit whose become lost
other times he crouches n rocks just like the old days
the one moment of (fake) authenticity
is when he sings you got the silver
and jagga mercifully pisses off to change his nikes
but seriously
most of the night his playing is rushed sloppy n mediocre
the songs themselves are all pumped out too fast
even amazingly
they fuck up tumbling dice n brown sugar
which sound like a bar band playing at double speed
so they can pack up n go ‘ome early..
any push n pull
or rocknroll
is gone
no friction
no frission
no sex
no love
just putting every thing through a machine
which seems to render it all at the same feelingless tempo
they trot out 3 special guests
the strange pudding face jack white (real name john gillis)
who joins in on loving cup
a piece of dross written years
after jaggers lyrical gifts had deserted him forever
what an embarrassment
sorry i dont like jack gillis white
my wife does
but i’d rather listen to my own tinnitus
than endure one of his turgid ditties
his appeal remains a mystery
and on this showing
hes bleeding awful
then buddy guy….gee
then the truly vile n repulsive christina ugly-leerer
whos as “sexy” as a jar of toenail clippings
and who mangles anything she touches
in paroxysms of overkill
she is the bleeding pits
please take her away n never let me think of her again
oh what a nasty little horror
oh dear
what a hatchet job!
how did anyone ever ok this?
its almost as bad as the church live at the basement….
almost!

martin scorsese…. what did you do?