sometimes i think
sometimes i sink
in some incredible race

karma: awake soul
put on your suit of flesh
this will be your new life
you will incarnate as steven john kilbey
the eldest son of les and joyce kilbey
you will be english and white and male
you will grow up in australia
you will have 2 brothers
you will have 5 daughters
soul : and my occupation
karma : a writer of words, a player of music
a singer of songs
now rush on ahead
taste this!
you are now 52 years old
playing music in the continent of europa
soul :when?
karma : now

i awake in a room
who am i?
what am i?
for a few moments my head has gone blanc
i have been hurled down here…
i know its hard for you to believe
the words hotel room come into my head
in english
but before i was thrown down here into this dream
i spoke another language
many other languages that i was a’ croonin’ in
making them ladies swoon and the gents go a loon
hotel room says the words
says the voice
this steve kilbey voice
which he talks to himself in
in english
he talks to himself in his own anglo-austra accent
he used to try to emphasise the anglo
but now he deliberately emphasizes the austra
hotel room says the/his voice
he sits up
he feels clobbered by the alcohol from the night before
he is not a drinker
but he has picked up the deleterious habit
of drinking strong alcohol before he performs
he finds it acts as a pleasant dis inhibitor
tonight hes playing in luxembourg
they gotta long drive ahead of us
i stumble down to breakfast
oh breakfast just closed says a girl in her thick accent
oh i say
gee im hungry cos ive hadda smoke and done yoga n xi gong
kilbey does these practices everymorning
the practices are spiritual mental n physical
they harmonize these three forces in man
they then align this unified field into the greater unified field
connect up to infiniti (reedy)
kilbey is far from connected
marginally perhaps if that
if only that
he has however begun to reap their diligent practices rewards
which combined with swimming in the sea everyday
have actually had some rejuvenating effects
if youve seen him judge for yourself
i keep thinking of a blogge im gonna write
as if it was about being my true self
looking out at all this with its alien eyes
the girl says
you can have some bread and jam if you like
oh yes please i say
oh bread n jam n a glass of tinny orange juice
kilbey sits in the now empty breafast salon
pictures of people who stayed here line the walls
smiling grinning pouting looking straight into the camera
faces of people from some distant show biz past
cabaret dancers and hammy beaus
dressed in the clothes of the day
faded and black and white
signed n autographed
to the excelsior hotel
from sam and dolphine klemmer
kilbey notices all these things
they crowd in on him
all these sad dead faces from yesterday
soon you, they all whisper
soon you
kilbey chews his bread and jam
hes put butter on it even tho he says hes a vegan
fuck it he says in his mind
as he spreads it on the crusty white bread
but deep inside it makes him feel real bad
after this pack his clothes in his grey suitcase
well
kilbey doesnt pack
he just throws it all in and out
fuck it he thinks to himself as he pushes down
on the unruly crowd of dirty washing thats trying to escape
back out
he lugs it down the corridor
catches a tiny continental lift
im mildly claustrophobic
did you know that
and some people make kilbey claustrophobic too
i stop to pay phone bill
i rang my wife last night
to give her the number here
so we could talk
a picture of kilbeys wife appears in his mind
delicate face n curly blonde hair
the face his three youngest kids have half of
ha ha ha
says mwp
one of the doodles looks exactly like you
and the other exactly like her
kilbey says baffled but which is which?
well evie is you and aurora is her…!
children
fatherhood
joy n sorrow
and the rest of it
kilbey pays the couple of euros bill
he jumps in the van
with some others n drives
another man sits next to kilbey
and gives directions from a map
music fills the cabin
the man occaisionally becomes angry
as kilbey loses focus and fails to turn left or right
left and right has always been bad for me kilbey thinks
perpetuating his confusion needlessly
we drive n drive n drive
kilbeys a safe driver considering
he doesnt get angry with the traffic
and rail at the uselessness of women drivers for example
he doesnt carryon pointless conversations under his breath
like
go on, do it buddy
oh fer fucks sake
what are you waiting for now you idiot
go on lady thats the only colour green they got
kilbeys basic machina drives the car
his reflexes are relatively sharp
he is not intoxicated in any way you may understand
but his mind is away
the man next to him talks n talks
kilbey nods n mms n shakes his head n sighs
but hes somewhere else in his head
reliving an olde bad situation
or thinking about lyrics
or thinking about his wife too
and his people back home
sometimes the goings on intrude
we arrive at petrol station
trevor fills the van up
i go inside n buy a red bull n a water n some crisps
back in the car
same thing x hours n hours
fun fun fun on the autobun
we arrive at place after argy bargy with mapquest
our highway just stopped dead
detour it said
a whole new highway going somewhere else
walk into gig
medium sized dark room
smells of smoke
the others are here
setting up the instruments
boom boom boom go the drums
time for him to play
he plucks the strings
boom boom boom
he puts no thought into playing
the fingers run around with minds of their own
he sings the words
the words are ingrained somewhere
they slide out effortlessly
he doesnt try very hard it seems
doesnt put a lot into it
he glides
its not like working of course
the driving
that was working
but this is easy
boom bang crash goes the soundcheck
tempers flare n subside
kilbeys earpieces are uncomfortable
they sit inside his ears blocking out the worst of the noise
his ears ring continuously in a condition called tinnitus
the sondcheck finishes
a dinner of tomato soup n french fries
strangely enough kilbey enjoys this meal with relish
he is no gourmet
he loves a veggie burger n chips more than almost anything
the musicians hang around till its time to go on
its too much hassle to check into hotel now
which is a far way away
ditto finding veggie restaurants
eventually its the path of least resistance
if they got tomato soup (least likely to contain chicken or beef stock)
and they got chips then im ok
maybe some chocolate soymilk
we got that too
n humous n pita
the dressing room is ok actually
with mirrors with lights round em n everything
kilbey dont enjoy looking at his face so much anymore
tho he admits its a good character face
a face for an arrogant king in shakespeare
the face of kind and groovy daddy
the face of a brutal aussie bricklayer
kilbeys eyes imply things
they imply things he has no idea of
and make promises
he never realised he was making
or breaking…
still he checks the mirror
hmmm in this mirror here you could marvel
at how well preserved the old rake actually is
but under this mirror here
under the morose flemish sky
kilbey is every inch his years
somehow this paradox can be worked to an advantage
kilbey wonders and wanders backstage
he slips out into a back alley with jan
jan lives here
you know i rilly gona think you will like a this shteeeve
says jan producing a joint of the ubiquitous widow
the widow thats been a’following me
oh schteeve why dont you play somethingk off preeesht equillz orra
we talk n talk
jans gotta ph d in something
oh beleeef me schteeve…it means nothingk
we smoke out the back of the club
the night is warm n aromatic
soon we will be hitting the stage

to be continued tomorrow
tomorrows episode: standing in the wings feeling kinda sick