posted on September 6, 2006 at 9:39 pm

thunder n white lightnin’
wind lashing the palms n gums
the ocean turns metallic
thank you dear ones
today i am safe n warm
in the house of familial love
cosy little nevets down on planet earth
sitting inside on a rainy morning
type type type
nk n scarlet bumper slumber
evie gives me a little 3 page book
on page one is snails n fairies
on page 2 its says
i love you dad
on page 3 she loves the others
this is my life today
it hasnt always been like this
a still haven in a turbulent struggle against…what?
do you realise that im only beginning to realise
who i might really be
a few days short of # 52…?
aurora has drawn a female centaur with fluorescent marker yellow hair
can these do magic she asks
these what i say
these …these satyrs….
thats not a satyr, its a centaur i say
and yeah
i think centaurs do a bit of yer you know, basic magic
well ah dad ah whats a satyr then
now this is a slightly tricky question to answer truthfully
for a six year old who likes to get her greek myths facts straight
(owing as much to hercules the movie as my input)
aurora can tell ya how the trojan war started
how eris that bitch
that goddess of discord n strife (latin=discordia)
was not invited to an huge dance party on olympus
i mean, but who would invite a cow like that anyway
shes always gonna cause a fuckin row!
just like my auntie ?
(joyce knows who i mean)
anyway this mean conniving eris
she thinks
bugger it! i’ll show those pigs
so she “fashions” a golden apple
on the apple is carved
“for the most beautiful”
and crikey!
(for steve)
the 3 main goddesses
and sweet sweeet aphrodite
the cytherean, the unblemished goddess of lurve
oh my i can see her before my fevered eyes right now
exactly like botticellis
skimpily whispily dressed in…..mist…n…clouds
oh aphrodite
those romans called ya venus
but this is long before that…
anyway you woulda thought that
athene being goddess of wisdom n all
mighta been above squabbling over a 24 carat solid gold
easy action baby apple
but hell no
she wants it
she claims it
so too hera
zeuss missus
the queen
what did she want with a fuckin’ apple?
but nope…
she stupidly has to have the apple
of course sweet aphrodite
she is the most beautiful
whos gonna argue with that?
do i see any male fiendss with their hands up
going no no…it was hera…it was hera!??
i didnae think so
so anyway
i guess they all ask zeus
he says
who the fuck am i?
judge shirley?
1st of all youre my wife
how can i not say you?
2nd of all athenes my daughter
how can i not say my daughter?
3rd…i mean…cmon….i mean..
its aphrodite…!
shes the fuckin’ goddesss of love!
whaddya want me to say…?
go n ask some mortal why dontchas?
ok ok
so they choose the handsomest man on earth
sorta cross between nevets n dicko robinson
but much younger
and they ask him to adjudicate this divine beauty contest
sorta like miss universe but the contestants had unbelievable power
anyway like a knuckle head the handsomest man
whose name is paris (hiltin”)
says oh yeah yeah
i’ll do it
doh! i bet there couldnt be any repercussions ha ha
of course the three goddesses each try n rig the judging
athene offers him knowledge n victory
ah i’ll get back to ya on those options he says
boy is athene pissed off now
she swears immortal eternal hatred of troy
(for paris was a prince of troy)
a bit of an over reaction i’d say
specially for the goddess of bleedin’ wisdom
next comes slightly (i imagine ) masculine hera
she offers our man power!
now dont get me wrong
shes in real good shape
shes zeuss wife for chrissakes
she can afford the best
shes a very handsome woman n statuesque
but beautiful just aint the word that pops into pariss head
ah look he says
lemme just check out the last contestant
n i’ll get back to ya…
hera storms off
oh paris my man
why didja wanna piss off the main female deity in these parts
ok ok
now aphrodite dont need to bribe him
n paris dont exactly need help in wooing the ladies
being a prince of troy n handsomest devil in the bronze age
but anyway
she offers him love love love
even the love of the prettiest lady on earth
(conditions apply*)
like a complete gooseball
paris picks the lovely miss a
all hell breaks loose
runs off wiv another fellas missus
(only the king of fucking spartas ms helen)
loadsa people die
and thats how
it all happened
back to ms aurora (latin goddess of the dawn)
the reason the faun /satyr question is tricky
is cos as far as i can tell
a satyr is just a bigger randier hornier faun
and i dont think shes gonna need to think about
that distinction for a while
thats it fiendss
im outta here

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