posted on October 1, 2008 at 8:30 pm

feeling inexplicably melancholy
not gettin’ any younger neither
mal-come tern-balls is everywhere now
i see destiny is really fixed
my mother could see it in 1972
my mother said steve, that boy will be p.m.
such was his sense of will and purpose
you think my mother ever said that about any one else?
yes, mum
it was obvious
and i knew it in my heart of hearts
just like i knew in my heart of hearts
the road that i would go down
now mals everything to everyone
alluding to his possible jewish roots
in the heavily jewish eastern suburbs of syd
which is his electorate
so…hes jewish and catholic….ok?
telling people bout his poverty-stricken past
(bullshit mal….you had a posh dressing gown in 72, remember?)
(hell…i gave up my room for the night for him)
admitting to smoking dope
(a dangerous drug!)
but now he laughs it off…a ha ha ha
i remember sitting in some hippy shack
with mark s in 1980
we were smokin’ mother (fuckin’) nature
and moaning about pots absurd illegality
i said the politicians of the future
the ones who are our age now
will legalize it because theyve done it…
and mark shook his head and said no
they’ll be the same as the ones now…
and he was right
the paradigm is created
everyone adheres to their role
and me……
i dont know if i want old tern-balls as p.m.
sometimes i think i do
sometimes i think fate can not be resisted
i admire the way hes played the game
he’s been repressing an awful lot of blind ambition for a while
can you imagine wanting to be a prime minister?
the ego
the gall
the discipline
the fanaticism
and yes
unlike our current vacuous twit
(i told ya so)
who lucked into the job
mal has had this coming down the tube his whole life
what amazes me is the certainty of it
his certainty
and the others who saw it too
tern-balls will destroy rudd
and go on to an illustrious career
only death will defeat him once he is in
or his own willingness to go
such is the hand he is holding!
mark my words
sorry to bore my non aust readers
but this is an exercise in addressing fate and manifest destiny
i’m still fiddling about with music
imagine if in 1981
someone showed me a crstal ball
and i saw myself standing there playing unguarded moment…still
oh please
unlike tern-balls
i have no real will
i cannot persevere
my fate is all clouded
i’m playing the olde stuff still
i can write songs but i cant get my life together
my weaknesses attract bad luck and mediocre results
i’m doing my best stuff
but i keep getting dragged back to that old place
aint it incredible
i make painkiller
and people wanna hear unguarded moment?
it de-motivates me
someone give me a fucking grant
im a fucking genius and i need to work
apart from the grunt and hustle of dirty money
give me my stipend and my house
and i’ll knock out music and poetry as good as it gets
and i’ll work harder on my paintings to bring em up to speed
i dont know what to do with myself other than that
i feel like i betray myself constantly revisiting this olde tripe
the muse dont like it and neither do i
its a waste of my ability
i should be working on my first total exhibition
you walk in a room a gallery an installation
and it really is kilbeyworld
which is where you wanna be
aint it?
the sights
the sounds
the words
i can do it all
but i neeed time and fucking money
and i cant ever get myself gigs
people have to come to me
i can’t sell myself
thats just the way it works
dont ask me why
i loved brian altres review of painkiller
thank you
it re-motivates me
i love to have it explained to me
what i have done
and brian n stefans reviews were both enlightening
painkiller is a fucking beautiful brutal record
it should sell millions
and i could do the things i want
but but
thats who i am
all those buts n howevers n if only he hadnt…
hey hey
i’d rather be playing music than working in a factory
so am i lucky
or unlucky?
if you have a car accident but survive
are you unlucky coz you had the accident
or lucky cos you survived?
the truth is
that inside me is a very talented geezer
and also a complete fucknuckle
who blows opportunities
and fritters away his time
i cannot manage myself or steer myself
i have never rung around and booked myself gigs
i cant
its not modesty
its just ….
anyway 3 gigs fell outta the sky
oct 7 in glebe at word in hand
then 14th at the annandale
then the 18th at manly boatshed
i dunno how these will go
i cant see a lot of people attending any
and i will be de-motivated again
i’m doing em cos my fambley needs the money they may make
but not necessarily cos i wanted to…
me with a guitar isnt me in my best form
i need to have a bit of a production and smoke machines
or whatever
i dunno
what the hell am i raving about today
and the stock markets crashed
which puts the fear of god into all fambley men, dont it?
i’m on telly sat night 10 pm
kev carmody special
see stevie jive

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