posted on September 8, 2006 at 11:37 pm

*this is the first in an occaisional installment
this is intended for humourous purposes
please do not sent in anonymice comments
about how “low-brow” i am
i am a philistine rocker with no pedigree
i know nothin bout nothin
this is but a fancy
an attempt to amuse you, sullen reader!
now just put yer list of spurious suggestions down
relax, smile a little
ah….there ya go…
you see its all just a joke….
ha ha
now imagine this
its a long long time ago
thousands of years in fact
ooh its warm…
oh its the aegean sea
this is the story of odysseus
in the sk vernacular
ok ok ok
it was the greek mother in law of all wars
the war they had to have
ten thousand ships my children
are you listening up the back there in thessaly?
i wish somebody would tell me the score
greeks 1 trojans 0
but lets check the stats
over to esskaius
yes well
it aint lookin’ good for either side here
i mean we’re talkin the flower of the youth here druid
we’re talkin’ dead sons of gods n all kindsa stuff
achilles gone ajax gone vim gone hector same thing
paris, king fuckin priam, a whole bunch i dunno…
back to you…
so anyhow
the greeks have won
i mean they lost thousands of blokes
but they got miss helen back
i hope shes a real pretty lady
and whatta bout king menelaus
the dude she ran away from
when she eloped with mr handsome
he just takes her back like simpering fool
no “what the fuck! did you see all the trouble you caused?”
within a week shes back in their pad in sparta
layin on feasts for their compadres
and servin’ up nepenthe
anyhow this brings us back to our hero
i see him kinda like well maybe a little freckly
maybe a little beard turnin a little white
medium build , grey eyes, fine brown hair
chiselled features, perfect straight nose
maybe a pair of gold earrrings…
(is this man beginning to materialise in yer imagination yet?)
hes kinda wise n kind n sexy all at once
a musical voice soft n deep
ooh dig his ithacan accent
the way he drawls his epsilons baybee
check his legs
bulging calves
he must swim a bit i guess
odysseus (for tis he!)
has finished his gig in troy
and needs to split for home
n his darlin little wifey penelope
(a real honey too, by all accounts)
n his little son
(inventor of telemarketing)
but wouldnt ya know it!
its been a long ten years
ya just wanna get home n into yer own beddybyes
oh no no o
oh look out
youve forgotten to appease poseidon fer a start
now this poseidon god of the ocean
could hold his breath underwater fer ages
the cat held his grudges too
and he seriously intended to chuck a spanner in the worx
first of all hes blown all over the mediterranean
(oh lucky him)
he goes to the land of the cicones
i think they were madonnas ancestors
then next they turn up in the land of the lotus eaters
lotus elans, lotus europas, ha ha
no seriously folks
the lotus eaters land sounds like my kinda place
these cats jus’ sittin’ round eatin’ lotus
thats it?
but jesus
you get a habit real real fast
no wonder lotus is banned in anatolia n arcadia
but recently decriminalised in corinth
for possession of under half a drachmas worth
half the crew of o’s ship get the lotus jonesin’
jesus guys i told ya not to eat too much fuckin’ lotus..
next they hit this island where the inhabitants are giant one eyed monsters
now i could insert a few names in there
but our o called em cyclops
and one in particular called poly phemus
probably angry still cos he had a girls name
n all the other giants’d tease him by singin’
poly put the kettle on
or later they called him poly drug abuse
o n his men end up in a sticky spot in a cave
n ole one eyes is back!
this dude takes meat eatin to a new disgustin’ level
hes eating o’s crew
meanwhile crafty o is thinkin
how dja like a poke in the fuckin eye with a burnt stick
cmon that giant had it coming people
but guess what
strings attached!
poly is poseidons own little toddler
raised by his proud dad ever since he was knee high to a hydra
by zeuses golden balls he rages
im gonna fix your little red wagon you little mortal s.o.b.
meanwhile while all this malarkeys goin’ on
back home things aint all that great neither
theres a whole buncha young hoodlums n neer do wells
hangin round tryin to crack on to penelope
a) cos shes a foxee laydee
b) then theyll get the queen n half the kingdom
but the real bad news
theyre treating young telemachus real badde
so he starts channelling the goddess athene
who digs the son as much as she dug the dad
and she starts appearing all over the place
(hey telemachus, you sure you aint been eatin’ that lotus again?)
anyhow teleboy guided by voices
sets off on a wild goose chase all over peloponnese
lookin for his daddyo

meanwhile back on some greek island
our o hassa made good friends with a draughty cat
called aeolus
talk about windy n wild
hes a wind god
a zephyr enthusiast too be sure
a real breezemaker
now he says to o
druid, altho yer just a mere mortal
i can dig where ya comin from
i understand that ya wanna get home
to ya wife n ya kid
so man
check out this little bag of stuff i have here
o looks at this baggie that a is profferin’
whats that….lotus..? he asks hopefully
nope dude, its wind!
o takes the bag o wind and almost blows himself
n the crew all the way home(!!??)
when a cuppla real turkeys amongst the crew
they start goin’
fuckin o, hes keepin all the good stuff for himself…
reckon hes got anymore of that lotus?
you betcha dude, its in his baggie…
anyway these vicious backstabbin faithless pricks
ruin it for everyone
jus when olde o call see his own palace roof coming into view
talk about lettin the cat out of the bag
these idiots unleashed a friggin’ hurricane!
and they get blown all over the place again(!!??)
they turn up at this chick circes island
(everyone had their own island in these days)
shes into some real weird voodoo shit
and she reckons all of o’s crew are pigs
and so it comes to be
but her magic dont work on o
but oh my my
shes smitten by our humble hero
by his piercing grey eyes
n his subtle turn of phrase n ithican accent
“where you from ?she asks…samos?
nope guess
i dunno um argos…? no i didnt think so…marathon?
she takes him to her chamber
she drops her clothes
o singin’ she IS a witch but i like the way she twitch uh huh
she lays on the bed and says
get it on!
bang a gong
get it on!
he says lady if ya wanna be my lover
you better turn my pigs back into homeboys
she says druid its a done deal!
anyway after a while
in the afterglow one night
circe says oh o my lovely lover
you should go down the underworld
see if any of them shades cant get ya home
thats enuff for o
hes straight down that river styx
hes down there where the sun dont never shine
hades baybee
ooh hot n nasty
ooh cold n empty
he meets his mother
he meets achilles n a few other of the old greek boy gang
coolin their heels in the gloomy doomy afterlife
how fuckin depressing!
i mean after all that…
this is the afterlife…?
he splits this morbid scene
he checks out the song of the sirens
hey didnt jeffs dad write that?
ooh fiendss talk about motown harmonies
ooh those sirens
luvverly voices they had n what lyrics
but o’s men aint listnin’
theyre more concerned with scylla n charybdis
more nasty monsters tryin to make a meal of our boys
narrow escapes n close shaves r us
o makes it
only to land on a real nice island
called thrinacia
azure seas, white sands, the lot
trouble is the sun-god owns this piece of surreal estate
and hes a vegetarian
and hes got these cattle
and he gets real real miffed when the homeboys eat his beefs
despite o’s warnings
“what part of dont eat the sun gods cows dontcha understand?”
and o’s last ship is destroyed in a storm
o’s gone totally solo now
n he washes up on this lil place called ogygia
and lucky olde o
this island is the home of a nymph calypso
and she aint called a nymph for nuffin’ either
a demi goddess, an absolute gorgeous bit of crumpet
she n o immediately hit it off
and in no time o’s livin some cushy life
being waited on hand n foot by elemental slaves
hes like giving this demi goddess a good seeing to
day n night
when one day he takes out his lyre n writes this song
shapeless thing in a wine dark sea
amphitrites currents bring my love home to me..
gee what a lovely voice he has..
so soothing n even
a little husky
and oh what lovely words
been sittin here calypso nearly seven long years…
ya see
even tho calypsos are divine bit of grumble
olde os’s still thinkin of the missus penny
but calypso dont wanna let her loverboy go
whats she got that i aint got? she asks o
i dunno
he says
but shes got the wherewithal n sweet knowledge
that makes it wonderful
i should get goin’
but miss c cant let her handsome beau go
so eventually athene
it has to be said
has always fancied o a bit herself
goes streakin’ up to mount olympus trip
and gets in her daddys ear
who jus’ happens to be mr cloud gatherer himself
the big Z
she goes
blah blah blah odyssseus
blah blah odysseus this n that
Z says ok enuff enuff
send the boy home then
and then Z calls out
hey hermes
tell that fuckin calypso to let that the guy go, ok
hermes straps on his flying sandals n hat
he bookin’ it flatchat to that tropical isle
he says game over lady c
that druid now homewood bound
after a few more cockups
o finally gets home
he chucks on a disguise
see how things are on the home front
he catches the hoods n blackguards n dawgs
hangin round his wife
sexually harassin’ her n the maids
eatin’ his muesli n drinkin his soy milk
o loses it
he goes bananas
n him n the boy endup wasting the lot of em
cuttin em up into little bits
ooh revenge is sweet but it sure is messy too
thats about it
o has a shower
we hope hes been careful when he was with circe or calypso
he makes sweet love to his wifey
his sonny boy is v happy
peace n prosperity return to ithaca
its been a hell of a twenty years
fade in soft greek bouzoukis
bring up lights
goodnight ancient grease

44 Responses to “the odder sea *”

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