posted on March 7, 2007 at 7:25 pm

a lot of people are curious about the stuff
theres a lotta books n movies bout the stuff
that give a lotta normal people vicarious thrills
looking in on the naughty world of the stuff
but people never understand the stuff
till theyre in so deep
the stuff aint glamourous or romantic
the stuff aint poetic or literary neither
and it aint jazzy or cool
in fact the stuff is the most embarrassing horrible thing
well ok the honeymoon period
the 1 st time i sniffed the stuff
i loved it
it wasnt what i imagined
it was subtle
i felt detached
my problems felt a long way off
i was wrapped in a delicious sleepy feeling
kinda like after a long day in the country
and then some toasted sandwiches n a warm bath
and you feel real sleepy n dreamy
in fact you felt like a child
and all junkydom pushes you towards acting like a child
selfish stupid child
anyway i didnt get itchy
i didnt vomit
i just felt subtly floaty
nothing spectacular like acid or ecstasy
i just felt…
that it was ok to be me
you see i never really liked myself much
i was vain about myself and egotistical
but i didnt like myself
i was so scared to be alone
to be alone with myself was frightening
but with le stuff du mal
i was happy to sit for hours n hours
pleasantly detached
just thinking these dreamy thoughts
sometimes id drop off to sleep for a few minutes
or a few hours
i could never tell how long
oh and the dreams
you know how in narnia
you spend twenty years there
but when you come back here
its like no time has passed?
well the stuffs like that
inside a beautiful dream
a hundred years may be passing
while the junky sits on yer couch n nods
hes off in a temporary paradise
a soft warm world where no one hurts ya
now listen to this
i never was abused or disadvantaged as a kid
i never was in trouble with the law
my mum n dad were together
in fact i never knew any real pain at all
other than schoolground ridicule
and the slings n arrows of love
so i got into the gear for its anaethetizing property
but there was no great tragedy in my life
i was trying to blot out
i just liked the way it felt
most of the others i ever met
most of em
especially in sweden n at n.a. meetings
they were kids whod been raped beaten ignored
prostituted drunk parents kicked n spat on
they took the gear cos it made them forget
their HORRIFIC childhoods and hence their HORRIFIC lives
and the stuff they had to do to get the gear
i mean fiendss
its 300 bucks a gram in australia
so imagine trying to come up with 2 – 3 hundred bucks
every day!
you can even spend more than that
a lot more
and i did in brief bursts
i was never rich rich
but i had a little
and i blew it all all all
for you see
after about 3 or 4 weeks
of on off on off use
i didnt have any of those fabled withdrawal symptoms
ha ha
was it all a myth like the pot propaganda
well id smoked pot for years n never got hooked on it
ha ha ha
and you know coke
i could take it or leave it
but id rather take it than leave it
but if it wasnt about
i wasnt pawning my grandmother to get it
killer in pawn shop:
how much for the granny?
pawnshop owner appraising her:
mate i’ll give ya 200 hundred, no more
cmon ive had her in here before for 3 hundred
pawnshop owner:
mate, i already got 3 grannies in the window
killer looks over n 3 old ladies wave back
ok i’ll take the 2 hundred…
you dont think heroin addiction is funny…?
jesus, its hilarious
the whining whinging junkies and their silly carrying on
its a total comedy
anyway i decided that the stuff wasnt that bad
cos i wasnt getting addicted
you know every so often
i would stop snorting stuff all day long
on those “off” days
i’d smoke or eat opium
just for a bit of moderation
just to give myself a rest
and then one day i was walking along
and suddenly i was drenched in cold sweat
i knew this must be something to do with the stuff
i mean from outta nowhere
i was wet from head to foot
awash in a freezing cold sweat
hmmm i thought in some fog
i’ll stop with the stuff n see what happens
this is what happened
the next day after very troubled dreams
i woke up early
the world seemed hyper real and hyper ugly
everything threatened me
or filled me with a vague fear or dismay
i felt so sad n hopeless
the world seemed black
this must be the world of the depressed person
oh pray you never have to visit here
everything hurts you
the sweetest melody
the touch of sunlight
the caress of water
the smell of clean food
everything is gross n disgusting
and my legs ached
and my arms ached
an awful awful awful ache
and my stomach was nauseated in every way
and i couldnt sleep at all anymore
sleep eluded me
and i was left up n alone
thru wee small hours that went on for ever
and all the time i knew that
one little sniff and itd all go away
and sure enough thats what i did
and it did
and then i was hooked
and it went on hooking me in deeper n deeper
and every habit was worse than the last one
yeah i tried to stop
and occaisionally succeeeded in stopping
from time to time
but always enticed back
never could resist a bit more
then i started shooting the stuff
and it all redoubled
the ante was upped
the high was twice as nice
the withdrawal twice as bad
and now we’re talking horror
getting off the gear aint sitting up in bed
with a thermometer in yer mouth reading a magazine
people said its like the flu
jesus i never had a flu that so totally filled me with horror
a flu that put the most vivid nightmarish thoughts in my head
a flu that made me writhe n groan n viciously attack
a flu that makes you rail n roil n squirm n kick
and spew and vomit n cough n sweat n all the rest
too disgusting to go into here
but believe me
its unbearable
and ya just wanna sleep
but uh uh sleep is the last thing on the menu
and after a cuppla days of this
there are very few people who dont say
fuck this!
im getting some dope
and you hobble n limp round to the dealers place
and they laugh as they let ya in
like how naive you were thinking you were
gonna get off again
and ya stand there in their bathroom
looking for a vein
and you catch sight of the wreck in the mirror
and yer filled with pain n ache n nausea
from top to bottom
even my hair hurt n i aint jokin
and then ya get it in
and as the first drop hits yer system
everything is fine
the nausea
the cramps
the depression
the yawning crying freezing shaking idiot
is gone
and there you are
back to normal
standing there
in soaking sweat wet clothes
just having paid a hundred bucks
to feel normal
not great
just back to normal
wow thats a good deal
and so on
and so on
years slip pass
nothing else matters
but avoiding that comedown
you get about 7 or 8 hours
then it starts
you need at a minimum
3 or 4 shots a day
to keep the horrors away
you need a minimum of a hundred bucks a day
you can get by on less but you wont be smiling much
if you get a load of cash somewhere
the stuff can easily increase your tolerance
so you shooting more n feeling it less
i tell ya folks the devil invented this stuff
its tricky malevolent
and its always 3 steps ahead of ya in yer mind
itll make a lying thieving ratbag outta anybody
youll do almost anything to get it
and any reason or honour you thought you possessed
will go up in smoke
youll become a nuisance and a liability
if you ever do get off and out of its grasp
itll be a miracle
its a hard hard slog
ten or so years of trouble n strife
dont do it
dont do it
dont do it

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