old face-ache was the king of the goblins
he was a hobgoblin in fact and a right bastard
he was married to bloodblister the witch a real bitch
and they had a brood of unpleasant brats
no bloody wonder i need to get outta here …face-ache thundered
how can i dream up evil and malice with this lots racket?
i thought you bloody enjoyed a nasty din…said his wife
ONLY IF I’M BLOODY MAKING IT MESELF !! bawled the king
and then he strode out of their home
which was an abandoned eagles nest
connected to a big hollow tree
‘ere you lazy sprites and bent pixies
hey you dopey gobs
call yourself imps or fucking wimps?
get your armour shining ,boneswax
you, mr stinkjolt, straighten your bloody gaiters
and whats this…? pimple and bumballs?
sir!?
wheres my cup of cold vomit with a hair in it?
bumballs proffered a cup to the king
face-ache exploded
THIS BLOODY VOMIT IS WARM YOU IDIOT
WHO WANTS TO DRINK WARM VOMIT IN THIS WEVVER?
after the king had been placated with some brownie soup
he called his generals around him
orright lads, gimme the story on the war
and no bullshit please gentlemen
cos you know i will have yer guts for fishnet garters
i’d love to see olde bloodblister in fishnets.. giggled a general
oh would you now indeedy …? said face-ache turning on him
sorry king, it was just a joke…said the cringing gob
a joke….? a joke….?
well it was not funny
the fishnets were not for my wife
if i gave ’em to her, she’d go n catch eels in ’em..
they were for me…oh ha ha ha..!
and face-ache prodded the cheeky black goblin with his pitchfork
anyway…enough of this malarkey boys….
and
show me the dead faeries…..!
face-aches face was ugly and grim
we got some problems in the military oh king ..said hogeye
what kinda problems ..said the king
outbreaks of goodwill, sire…
GOODWILL??!! the king fumed
and little kindnesses ….
LITTLE KINDNESSES??!!
blokes dishing out compliments without warning
FUCKING COMPLIMENTS!?
the king rounded on his generals
he straightened his stolen gold crown on top of his big ugly bonce
he was bloody impressive in his ‘orribleness
no ordinary goblin could challenge a hob
and face-ache was pure hob as far as any gob could remember
sire….? general wartsley an old goblin spoke up
yes wartsley you senile olde gremlin ..what is it?
some of the men are afraid, sire
they say the faeries have got johnny goblinkiller back..
WHAT?!
sire, he’s already killed 7 of my best men…
WHAT?!!
sire, the boys are grumbling about it and…
WHAT??!! GRUMBLING……?
cool down sire…we have a plan
A PLAN GENERAL WARTSLEY….YOU BETTER “AVE A PLAN…
wartsley called something to one of his men who ran off
he was back in a jiffy with a prisoner
he pushed the prisoner into the kings presence
and all the goblins began to jeer and call out
SILENCE YOU HAIRY BOLTS! he ordered
what is this we have here , wartsley? he asked in a growl
it is a half human half faery child, lord said wartsley
a groan of anger went up from the goblin soldiers
and they surged forward towards the prisoner, bristling
BACK YOU FILTHY SQUID! yelled the king and they fell back
sire we captured her wandering in the whispering wood
aha! said face-ache..pull back the hood..!
a goblin soldier pulled back the childs hood
to reveal a pale tearstained face
the girls mouth had a dirty scarf tied over it
let this monster speak said the king coldly
the soldier undid the scarf and prodded the girl forwards
what is your name, you ‘orrible childe?
face-ache asked in a voice of ice
what is your name and whither were you bound?
the girl choked back a sob
my names kathy…she said