i must admit
the novelty of being straight has worn off
still stuck in my skull with the dreaded kilbey
not a lot has changed
belfast frank sends me some amazing music
hindu mantras and slightly europeanised indian music
i do yoga twice today
i go to my pool but its full of blokey blokes having a swim meet today
i swim in the pacific ocean instead n catch some waves
i guess ive hit a plateau
i dont wanna smoke dope anymore thats for shore
alcohol disgusts me as do drunks
ive never been drunk in my life and i never will be
i turn to yoga and exercise and meditation
it cant turn it all around just like that
i want the answers and i want em now
i want to love and be loved
i want to be a real man
i want good friends who accept me as i am
i want my music to be spellbinding
its no good telling me about records i made in the past
i need to move on like a shark in the sea
they cant ever stop n nor can i
my very nature is to be restless
thats where all that music you presumably liked came from
i appreciate all the love that you my readers have been throwing at me
yes i really do
oh yes it helps to have you all on my side
but i am unhappy with things at the moment
and i cant just cheer up
imagine if baudelaire were alive today n writing a blog
it would be full of turbulence doubt sarcasm n moodswings
that is the artists lot
our thin skins
our disillusion
our ups n downs
thats how we get stuff done
i aint yer average joe
and thats good n thats bad
im searching for something i probably never gonna find
i need the things i have to push away
i cant abide the things that make most people happy
i want it all ways at once
i get so sick of myself
my friend annaki mayhem comes round tonite
she deals with more in a week than ive dealt with in my whole life
and shes cheerful
me? im a writhing self obsessed mass of contradictions
i need yoga n extreme exercise just to keep me vaguely balanced
i need god like other blokes need the pub
every now n then i catch a glimpse
i see something
i read something
i feel something
and for a moment….
then kilbey closes in again
that love him/hate him ego with all his big ideas
could be a hero could be a villain
anyway
thats me
i didnt write about time space mind did i?
maybe next one will be more profound
love to those i love they know whom they are
and a big finger to the naysayers
walk a kilometre in my blunnies…you couldnt last an inch
tomorrow producing simon starling out at tims
hes a beautiful cat n im looking forward to it
the pool should be cold n empty tomorrow
just the way i like it ah ha ah ha
i’ll get there eventually
i adore my readers
thank you people
you are the core of my (in)sanity
blessings beaucoups on you all
xxx
steven