posted on May 5, 2006 at 9:14 pm

kilbey here….
steve kilbey….
license to blogge
7 17 on satday morn
all the gurls in my little house are fast asleep
was nk’s birthday yessaday
we had cakey and stuff
happy birthday dear duckling happy birthday to you
me and aurora went shopping
i say to aurora howcome evie didnt wanna come with us..?
she says
(in a jimmy stewart accent)
well dad, ya know how me an evie are fraternal twins..?
uh huh
well ah…ya know how we’re different on the outside..?
well we’re different on the inside too…i dunno why shes like that
i see
i aint no mind reader, dad
we get up to the biggest shopping mall in the southern hemisfear
(so they say)
auroras picking up everything
hey dad buy her this!
hey dad buy her that!
you know fiendss
i can do 2 ks in the pool no problem
not tired..
but 5 minutes in a shopping mall
and im completely fucking knackered
what is it with that?
i hate shopping
i hate buying stuff
i hate the fluoro lights and the rush
of teenyboppers armed with mummys credit card
i hate the bullshit when ya buy jeans..
me: these are too small
dopey shop asst.: sir, theyll stretch
me: these are too big
dsa: sir, theyll shrink..
mmm, ive always hadda thing about jeans
you see there wassa kid at my school
he was like the dictator of fashion
he was like trip fontaine if ya saw the virgin suicides
this kid, neal g.
he wassa the bees knees
he was handsome
good at sport
good fighter
he was smoking pot and liasing with girls
when the rest of us were still playing marbles
(i will resist the impulse for any naughty puns here)
he always looked great even in school uniform
tousled hair, tanned complexion, big smile
oh i wanted neal g to like me
think i was cool
but all i usually got was a
“what are ya, kilbey?”
now it may seem hard to believe but up until about 15
i thought jeans were jeans were jeans
but one day i come to school
and neals talking about levi-strauss
ya gotta have levi-strauss
not these horrible old jeans ya been wearing
i hit up my dad
dad, i need levi-strauss
i bought you some jeans a cuppla weeks ago son
but dad, i need 1o bucks for levi-strauss
(thats what they cost in 1970)
ok ok but this is it
now sooner had i got my l-s
(which fitted me atrociously, there was no boot cut etc etc
in those days , just this jodphur looking baggy things
that hung off my skinny frame ludicrously)
then neal g says
ah kilbey, levis are last years thing
ya gotta have lee jeans
uh oh
same process
but son…?
i know dad…but..
ok ok but this is it
i get a pair of lees
(hardly much different to the l-s
but what the hell)
same thing
neal g says lee?
no mate, ya gotta have lee cooper jeans
yes son…
ok but this is it
ok, dad
by the way son, who tells you whats in and whats out?
never mind dad, ya wouldnae understand
ok ok heres 15 bucks…
so i get me a pair of pink lee cooper cords
but lo n behold
neal g the fashionista
wrangler are the only hip jeans
oh no
yes son
blah blah blah
got me a pair of wrangler jeans
im sorted
school social
got my wranglers
hip and cool
but whats this…?
oh no
a new boy at our school
has the last word in hip
a pair of bearcat jeans
fucking bearcat?
my wranglers are instantly passe
im a fashion disaster
next day i try to find a pair of bearcats
not in canberra i dont
after a little research i find out
you can only buy bearcat jeans in one shop in australia
and its in melbourne 600 miles away
they cost 22 bucks a pair
unheard of in those days
yes slim
(my dad always called me slim
i dunno why but he thought it was funny)
why dont we visit the rellies in melbourne?
you want to?
i nagged my dad into driving to melb
ostensibly to visit uncle cyril and aunty eve
(who i named my daughter after)
when we get there
i track down the shop
borrow 22 bucks from my poor dad
and get down there
they only got one pair thatll fit me
a little on the smallish side
“nah, theyll never shrink
theyre pre shrunk !”
says shop asst.
get back to canberra
teenage dance soon
i’ll be unveiling my bearcats
how can anyone out trump me now
(you knew thered be a but)
joycie gives em a good wash for me
before the dance
oh no!
when i try em on
theyve shrunk half way up my leg
miserably i wear them anyway
hoping no one ll notice
but they do
“hey kilbey
why dont yer shoes have a party and
invite yer pants down ???”

oh the shame
oh the embarrassment
eventually i cut em off for shorts

these are the events that shaped my life
i love you fiendss
(pssst. wanna pair of cut off bearcat jeanss??)

33 Responses to “trespassers will be persecuted”

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