posted on December 7, 2006 at 8:05 pm

dear subscriber
please exuse the t. being from attending blogge
the 6 n 7 th of dec.
when he woke up on the 6th he had a high temp
and all his adjectives were slightly flushed.
he seemed off his puns and couldnt not even be tempted
with a small rant.
i made the painful decision not to send him along
and then yesterday
when i heard him split an infinitive i rushed him to
the grammarians who after an examination
said he was suffering verb fatigue
and his conjugations were a liitle swollen.
the doctors checked his diction
and advised a small lay-off
for a few days.
i hope the t. being can catch up all his work
and passes all his paypal exams
yours faithfully
mother of all t. beings

im sorry
yes i was away
2 hard late nights
and then
nks uncle gary passed away
aged only 56 years
uncle gary was a true character
a kind of modern wc fields
he paid for our honeymoon down at rehoboth beach
and when we checked into our room
uncle gary had provided champagne n chocolate strawberries too
he had polio when he was just a kid
and spent a long time in hospital on his own
then when he got out he had to wear a painful n awkward body-brace
he always limped n shuffled along and the polio was slowly coming back
making his life miserable
even getting in n out of bed became a major hassle
uncle gary was nks dads elder brother
and the 1st time i went to delaware to meet her
uncle gary turned up to check me out
there was a knocking at the door the 1st morning i arrived
and theres this larger-than-life character
standing there with a cigar n a pink suit
(uncle g was NOT gay but he wore strange flamboyant clothes)
he beckoned to me
and i hopped in his corvette and he drove me around
givin’ me the 3rd degree
he was a lawyer
and he asked me lotsa questions
but never really waited to hear the answer
just leapt on to the next topic
all the time keeping up a hilarious schpiel
he took us out to a restaurant
which proved to be a comedy routine
uncle g was “fond of a drink”
and he ranted n raved about larry fortensky
(i think he wished he was married to liz taylor himself)
and he kept warning natalie about “english school boys”
implying that i might be secretely gay
he was very un-p.c. about almost every subject
summoning the chef out to ask him about my veggie lasagna
and carrying on in a loud tasteless but completely hysterical fashion
uncle gary instantly became my fave
and although he teased me mercilessly
and never seemed to listen to my mumbled protests
i thought he was the bees knees
his intake of vodka was prodigious and he ate very little food
he usually had a great big pair of sunglasses on
and he was always in a hurry
he could never just sit down n relax
he liked young women with lotsa make-up
and he squired an endless stream of em
attracted by his bottomless wallet n his extreme largesse
he let us stay in his lovely holiday house for a while
and kept on inviting me to drive his ‘vette
but then he never let me
he was outrageously sentimental n then
just as quickly he’d change his mind
and say something caustic
eg a loada rellies saying how clever
the doodles are cos they could, say, walk a little
oh theyre so clever
oh look at em walk
and uncle gary’d mumble
oh yeah..theyre fuckin’ geniuses
which i thought was kinda refreshing
the twillies came over n met him
they were kinda fascinated by him
he exploded into crocodile tears at our wedding
and then turned up at our litttle breakfast
pissed as a newt
paying for everything
and telling tales about himself
and legendary bar room brawls he’d been in
eventually i worked up a hilarious uncle gary impersonation
but it came from a place of love n understanding
so nk wasnt angry when i’d do it
and get stuck in character for a few hours
unable to stop being uncle gary
saying all his usual sayings
which can best be summed up by the phrase
(said in a slightly sozzled deep gruff ruff voice)
fuck em if they cant take a joke
one night after a huge uncle gary impersonation marathon
nk turned to me n said
steven…who were you before you were my family?
marty loves my uncle gary impersonation
often saying in the studio
cmon steve…do natalies uncle
then i’d eff n blind in my american accent
insultin’ every body
wheezing n coughing n pretending to be a little drunk
gary passed away on tuesday
and we all feel shocked
the polio, the drinkin’, the wild life caught up with him
and it was kinda expected
but i feel like i really lost an uncle myself
even tho gary wasnt really much older than me
yesterday i accidentally slipped into an uncle gary voice
then i looked up n said sorry to nk
no she said
i want you to keep on doing keeps him alive for me
so if ya hear me talking in a low gruff american accent
“yeah!” or
“sure, i bet youre a fucking genius!”
or some very uncorrect remark about
something a bit sensitive…
then ya know its uncle gary living on
thru me
a true one-off, break the mold
dont make em like that anymore character
uncle gary
you will be sorely sorely missed
we loved you, gfd
and i hope yer giving the waitresses in heaven hell!!
normal service resumed tomorrow

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