my dearest subjects
and objects
chrimbo is upon us
a time when one reflects upon the events of the year
and reaches for another slice of brandy soaked chrimbo pudding
mmm (burp)
pardon me….
a time to recap
recap any objects you pay have left the cap off of
or recap your cap gun
the cap sat on the map
go cap in hand and head in cap (if theres room)
get caps for your teeth
buy a white hippy moses beard from greedyba$tard @avarice.lime
tomorrow is santas little boys birthday
and everyone will eat roast rain dear
and santa will fly thru the skies on his slay
pulled by a flock of wild turkeys
or is santa slayed by the wild turkey
and dropped all his toys
that man aint getting down my chimney no more
santa claws oooh hes a mean old man
i prefer santa fe
at least they have an “artsy” community there…
me….?
i just noticed that darling scarlet
has scribbled on eves face
that has taken me a long time to do
hmmmmm…..
i rub at scribble hopefully…
nope…its biro n it aint moving!
darn little goose!
scarlet may be the colour of her botty after this…..
(fifty lashes and bread n water)
yeah
anyway
(just letting it go…)
chrimbo chrimbo
when we celebrate with tinsel
which represents our true deep inner feelings
and we chop down small pine trees
to symbolize new life
and we chuck em out on the street 5th of jan
to symbolize the new year
and we eat dead chicken to symbolize merriment
and we kiss aunty maude who we hate
to symbolize chrimbos power
to make you do things you hate
and
we give gifts to celebrate that fellas birthday
only it isnt actually his birthday
it was some other holiday before that
n
someone thought…hmmmm…
these pagan bastards, they really enjoy their winter shin digs
so lets combine it with chrimbo…n it’ll be wholly holy (with holly)
(jolly too)
can you imagine being satan claws n being jolly all the fuckin’ time?
ho ho bastard ho! whattya want for chrimbo you snotty nosed little brat?
what ? a mega ipod and a full set of gen-o-side war games?
how old are ya? what? 4?
ok can you take a little time to read these conditions?

(in small print)
SANTA CLAUSE 666
THIS PRODUCT WILL MAKE YOU BLIND
AND THEN
ITS GONNA MAKE YOU CRAWL
ITS GONNA MAKE YOU BAWL AND SHOUT
ITS GONNA CAUSE A BLACK SLIMY DISCHARGE FROM YOUR NOSTRILS
IT CONTAINS PIECES OF EIGHT AND TRACES OF JEALOUSY
IT IS 15 CENTS REDEEMABLE IN CAL OR S.A.
IT IS MADE IN GENUINE SWEAT SHOP CONDITIONS
BY TINY TIM-LIKE ORPHANS
USING ALIEN TECHNOLOGY
SUPP LIED BY THE GRAYS TO THE REPTILIANS
FOR PURPOSES
OF BUGGERING UP MOTHER EARTH
PLEASE DRY CLEAN ON BLACK FRIDAYS ONLY
NON TOXIC IF YOURE A SWALLOW(EXCEPT CAPISTRANO)
NO RESPONSIBILITY TAKEN ONLY MONEY
MADE IN KNOCKED DOWN BITS OF THE AMAZON
MADE FROM NARWHALS HORN N SNOW TIGERS BALLS
TESTED ON BABIES N OLD LADIES IN ROMANIAN DUNGEONS
CONTEST NOT OPEN TO FAMILIES OR FRIENDS OF THE FOLLOWING:
VIET CONG
BLACK SEPTEMBER
IRA
MAFIA
JACUZZI
TRIPLE SEC
WHITE SOUP REAMISTS
WEATHERCOCKS
TERRY-ISTS
ROUNDHEADS
BLACK REBEL UNICYCLE CLUB (AND THEIR DAD)
THE TENDER GARDENERS
ANYONE WHO EVER THOUGHT A NAUGHTY THOUGHT ABOUT THE U.S.
ANY COMMIES OR PINKOS
ANY FOREIGNERS OR STRANGERS
ANY ONE WHO HAD A HEART
ANY ONE ELSE NOT ALREADY MENTIONED
GORE FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY
LAUNCHER SOLD SEPARATELY
NOT RECOMMENDY FOR PACIFISTS OR PESSI-MISTS
NOT FOR SALE IN LEMURIA EXCEPT ON PRESCRIPTION
COMES WITH OWN APPLICATOR IN 3 FLAVOURS
ETC
ETC
I AM A TOTAL DICKNOSE
AND I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY
SIGNED………..
DATED…………
WITNESSED………….

you stuff your gifts into someones stockings
and you notice the fairy on the tree is watching you
you kneel and ask mary for guidance
you hear footsteps on the roof
get this!
a cat wearing some kinda paramilitary red n white jumpsuit
is sliding down your chimney
he explodes through your gas heater in soot n sparks n reindeer manure
ho ho bastard ho
its quite a mantra isnt it
chrimbo is a time of festive joyous feelings
but drink plenty of water and take vitaman x the next day
chrimbo is a time of hauling holly to the decks
and gold and the other two things
and orient-r which is a great bar in kilbeyville
and chrimbo is a time of adoration
just find something to adore or to a door
or even to do
chrimbo is a time of flying reindeer and candy cane
so take it seriously
santas flight routes have been approved
however he may bypass turkish kurdish boarders
and drop in on the la hareem club in downtown saudi arabia
give me some speed n give the deer ones some snow
chrimbo is a time of returning unwanted books and
arguing with some toffee nosed git to get a refund
chrimbo is a time of talking to olde grande aunt flo
about her lil’ will….
chrimbo is a time of drinking loadsa grog n shlurring yer shpeech
chrimbo is a time of bonging on n on in fronna the telly
n eating toast n corn flakes
while it rains
or bakes
or grimly freezes
your nuts right off yer nutcracker
chrimbo is a time of abject loneliness n being uninvited
(like the freakin’ clowns, baybee)
chrimbo is a time of remembering what an utter utter bastard
olde king herod was
hence
hark the herod angels shrink!
and
chrimbo is a time of merriment
thats getting drunk
and its a time of celebration
thats getting drunk too
and forgetting and forgiving
by getting drunk
and remembering…..
um…
and chrimbo is a time of midnight mass
oooh creepy
i wonder if they have any more of that wine there
or those cute little wafers
everyone loves chrimbo especially the tinsel makers
n the candy cane guys
and that sweet fairy among the trees
and the flashing red lights in kings cross
and the lovely decorations in cardboard city
and shanty town
and the ex-cons can be santas too! protesters
and to our lovely land lady
with her strange properties
where everything
goes up n up n up n up
including my chrimbo finger
chrimbo is a time of taking and giving em hell
chrimbo is a few days off work so who cares what it is
chrimbo is me
and chrimbo is you
you giving subscribing donating
to me
go on or i’ll tell farther christmas
so the time being can cook his own goose
and the doodles n woofle
get all they deserve
ah!
merry merry chrimbo then
and all through this house
no creature is stirring
not even big fat black cockroach
stuck in a roachmotel
without his credit card
oh deer!
goodnight rudolph
i have a red nose ALL year round!