yessaday my fiendss
the devil got into olde sk
now please
this aint a happy blogge
so if yer looking for some sunshine
go n read some other olde space rockers blogge
and please no stupid comments
im confiding in you
youre my confidants
no stupid obvious advice
no just chill out, ok?
first of all i have a very complex relationship with the weed
very long
very complex
i am an addict
forget what they tell ya that pot aint addictive
it is!
and i been an addict a long long time
ok it aint like smack
i mean, i aint gonna pawn my grannies silverware to get it
nonetheless
after this long
(i been smoking heavily since i was 21)
after this long
when i dont get it
i can get irrational angry dejected n inspirationless
before you jump on yer silly hi horse
n say just say no
remember
every song you ever liked that i wrote or co wrote
well pot was behind it…
i dont fucking care what ya think
everything has its downsides
and pot has its downsides
but im prepared to accept em
im nearly fifty 3
who out there can really tell me what to do?
im also an endorphin addict
i swim n i walk n i march along
im used to a cuppla hours of hard cardio vasculah stuff
every day
im restless
like my daughter evie
i gotta let off steam
and i go thru withdrawals if i dont swim
just like a guy i knew
a black belt karate guy in sweden
when he flew on a plane to australia
he had remarkably similar withdrawals
as would be experienced by a junky
sweating yawning anxiety
i mean his body was used to a ton o endorphins
every day
and if it didnt happen he felt real badde
any way
yesterday i had brekky
come up to my room
i ve bought this new i-motion speaker system
to do yoga to mostly
cos my olde one clapped out
and immediately as i get it out of its box
a voice
a literal voice starts up
in my head
“it aint gonna work!”
it says it to me over n over
as i put the bits in place
“it aint gonna work”
and then
“smash it!”
sho enuff
the fucking thing will not come on
the light will not come on
i try everything
i reassemble
move it round different sockets
it will not turn on
the voice in my head is saying
“smash that fucking thing into smithereens!”
finally exasperated
n having geed myself up
and all reason n logic out the window
i do something ive never done before
i smash the fucking thing into bits n pieces
all over the floor
i take it in my hands n i rip it apart
jump up n down on it
totally destroy the bloody thing
then i start moaning groaning
swearing n carrying on
inside myself im saying
steven hold on…!
but this anger
this rage
its like fire consuming me
n i smash it n smash it
because i miss my wife
n my kids
specially bumper
i miss my house n my icebergs pool
i miss my dope
i miss my dad
i smash it for all the bad reviews n empty seats
i smash it for jesus n buddha n lucifer
n fer adam n eve
then i go tearing out of my room
who knows where
the girl at front desk
sees me
are you alright sir
to her im just an olde angry looking foreign sod
suddenly i realise im locked out of my room
im locked outta my room
gimme another key
its those flat little keys
a bit of plastic
that you gotta stick in the wall
to make the power in the room work
yeah to make the power in the…
then it dawns on me
stupid stupid stupid stupid killer
ha ha ha ha ha
no power in the room
of course the fucking thing didnt work
it couldnt
i stagger back to my room
the thing lies accusingly on the ground
smashed to a pulp
the girl lets me into my room
she sees the mess
and walks away cluck clucking
i sink to my knees
i wanna cry but i cant
do you know how hard it is for grown men to cry
we wanna cry cry cry
but its so hard
i need the release
but it wont come
im trying to cry for a million things
all the times i hurt people
n they hurt me
everything
because i never had a good cry about grant mc
because i never had a good cry about
the chaos i caused in the badde olde days
you name it baybee
i wanna cry
i wanna cry myself a fucking river
i wanna drown in my tears
wallow in my misery
nothing else matters
fuck buda pest
fuck being in a band
fuck this n fuck that
fuck you
n
fuck me!
(sorry joycie)
i met another member of our party n i confide
dont tell anyone i say
as soon as they getta chance
they do
n everybody knows
i turn up to rehearsal
tims been in there for hours
tim plays drums
but hes our technical guy
while im swanning around
goofing off n bignoting myself
tims usually got his head in an amp
or retuning the p.a.
or sorting out our in-ear monitoring
i walk into the room
its dark with a fluoro light
its full of fucking amps n shit
n i hate it
i start complaining immediately
tim looks at me sadly
fuck i hate to let him down..
please killer
i been working on this all day
n now youve demoralised me..
the rehearsal is a shambles
we cant agree on what songs to play
n we argue n carry on
when we do play
its like ive never sung or played in my life
my muse n my ability have been roasted in my meltdown
n theyre staying away in spades
the heavy bass hangs round my neck like lead
killing my shoulders
the music is loud n discordant
every cymbal crash n guitar solos
rapes my poor screaming ears
im jet lagged n gotta head ache
me n marty go outside
he tells me bout his mum
now me n marty have had a few arguments n fights
but i love this man n i start sobbing
as we sit there in the sun on some steppes in buda
and he tells me about his mums last hours
very calmly very rationally
how can he keep it together…?
im choking back sobs
my nose is running
my tears are flowing
but im trying so hard to keep it all in
its his mother for godsake
mister, you only get one of them
i love my olde mum so much
i know igotta lose her one day
and im crying for tim who lost his mum to cancer
when he was about 8…
and god….
we go back in n keep trying to rehearse
marty is the very picture of sanity n restraint
but im acting like a total jerk
peter says the wrong thing to me
and THATS IT!
im fucking outta here
i flounce out
my huff arrives n i leave
as i walk out tim says cheerfully to othrs
well maybe we can rehearse a bit without the killer…
ive let em all down
i come back to room
where despite exhaustion
i toss n turn
cant get to sleep
everything seems so pointless
i talk to nk
oh so lovely to hear her voice
she talks me down a little
and i get up at 5 30 this morning
do my routine
n now im gonna have a long long power walk
try n get some endorphs flowing
so there you go
anyone who writes
ah killa chill out
im gonna find yer address
come around yer house
n complain n whinge n whine n wheedle
until you cant stand it
there you go
im a jerk n a prick
i act like a baby
im spoilt n stupid n not a team player
sooner or later i piss off everyone…
there you go
your sage unmasked
just a big idiot
who also happens to be able to write good lyrics
but other than that
A RIGHT BASTARD!