The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

arrive in ny
ring nk
she says evie possibly maybe has swine flu
oh no
feel so worried
beside myself
2 people die in nsw just today
please lord vishnu
protect and preserve my family
i entreat you
sk ny
12 30

darkness falls
we drive to nyc
its 921 at night
its about 70 degrees
peter k is driving
i ate a baked potato for dinner plus cole slaw
the baked beans had ham in em….
my glasses are slightly busted
thats why theyre crooked
trucks rush by us in a whoosh
ulster service area
sunoco
starbucks
its cold in here
i should be home in the warmth of my home
should be sitting in my room
waiting for nk
should be in my studio painting
should be on by now…
we bump on
hard to type under bumpy conditions
more later

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driving to nyc
about 3 hours out
just leaving albany
where we picked up our trailer
will stop soon for food and fuel
morale ok…
grooms rd
waterford
crescent
vischer ferry

park n ride
halfmoon
exit 40 mph
town of clifton park
cobble pond farms
instant games
coors light 30 packs 20 .99
atm
soups salads subs snacks
ez pay only
ramp 35 mph
lane ends 1/4 mile
we speed on into the late afternoon
or is it early evening
tonite peter n i crashing at andy le gooses
in little italy
we cruise down the verdant beltways
more later

back in the usa baby
yeah
blogging live from a van speeding down the road
ooh i get vertigo writing n moving
i soul oscillating
i firmament bridge
i toll collector
i fellow traveller czech
i mossy station
no mr you wanted plattsburgh
its about five miles back that way
this is the end of this tour
the last ride
the end of this story
and the beginning of all others
corridor of trees
we drive towards green hills
and blue mountains
my last day in america for a while
port kent
ausable chasm
camping exit 35
food exit 35
gas exit 35
peru exit 35
bear swamp road
south 87
adopt a highway
(maybe you should just start with a path
work yer way up to a highway)
avalon cars
mysterious little green signs with just numbers
ausable forks
lake placid
exit 34
whiteface mountain
all-america city
keeseville
exit 25 mph
road work
essex county
augur lake road (wow thATS GOOD)

augur lake road
where you never showed
well i shoulda knowed
on augur lake road
augur lake road
well i’ll be blowed
my head explodes
on augur lake road

a beautiful land think with the greenest trees
pines n trees i dont know
i dont know my american trees
but theyre magnificent
yeah
sure
what do i feel?
i dunno
hysterically happy then sad that its over
on my own tomorrow
just like a big boy
no more comfort in the bosom of a little gang
on my own
my oh my own
my own my oh my
hyde road
such gorgeous country
white houses in green fields
it could be scandanavia
but the air is ominous
the sky is grey and heavy
i the stranger is leaving
i tomorrow gone
in transit
disappeared in a tin tube portal
reappear in sweden next day
meet the twillies
see the difference between 17 n 18
westport
see a cosy house nestled in some trees
why couldnt i live there
oblivious of kilbey
who drives me mad
voice in another room : ah but then you wouldnt have nk…
slower traffic keep right
suddenly guilty for past thefts
everything affects me
i am superstitious
i am cautious in all things
no u turn
blue mountains
white clouds
dense foliiage
more later
sk

flying along in a van in quebec
if this is summer bebe
i hate to see winter
so we shoot along the road
the sky is ominous
the vegetation is lush and green
buildings posts wires buses motels
restaurants sheds complexes
flags trucks trees weeds rails
clouds birds fences
and plenty o road
road forever n ever
king road
we hurtle onwards thru a pale green blur
i can sit here
and still post my blog
this wonderful awful technology
wheres captain kirk
we already surpassed you
and we dont have all them coloured lights
the fields pass by
corn in the sun
sulky little brooks
languid rivers
a big big world
crows in the cold summer sky
yes its cold
im cold
here in this van the summer is bleak n grey
i sit wrapped in a blanket
a frail old so n so
a veteran of the rocknroll wars
the signs say travaux
region touristique
oest saint-nazaire
birds of prey flap overhead
becoming sleepy
more later

yeah i sit here
who who who am i…
who hoo boo kay
i go down on roof top for refreshments
i purchase a soy latte after much l’argy-bargy francais
guys get over it n speak english
they act like its the first time they ever smelt the blood
of an englishman
10 hour drive to new yorky
the van i travel/drive in today has internet
maybe i can update this blog as i go
down the road
a live travellin’ blog
as i ramble ramble skip n stumble
i fall i walk tall
life makes us all crawl
sooner or later
over the gate across the wall
i see the maisons n malls
i see the mile after kilometre after inch after dust
i remember the cans and the broken bottles
the old newspapers
ive read them all
im in them all
a child in a pram looks up n sees me on a bridge
will he remember me as a shadow when i have joined the dead
i pack up my belongings this hotel womb
i born i die every day
i see my children come into this world in wonder
i’m in awe of my wife who keeps me fascinated with her
even after 11 years
my daughter scarlet is some crazy joker with liz taylors looks
shes bad to the bone
all your humble scribes nastiest naughtiest inclinations
there it is all bundled up as lil sk
to carry on my blurred crusade…against what..
against not trying to make this world a more interesting place
theres a lot going on here
hey you should visit here
we got miracles and ghosts and invisibility
we got anything you want or cant see
i’m gonna do it
do it from wealth
do it from poverty
did it when young
did it when old
did it me
did it you
my fambley is pretty good
i dont really have to go far for entertainment
my house is usually vibrant with their racquet
my kids are kind to me
i appreciate that
eve and aurora hate to disappoint me
and usually they dont
they are polite and considerate
and everybodys happy to see em
i speak on phone to them
i tell scarlet i’ll be home soon
yeah dad she says like a weary voter
whos heard all the promises before
eve n aurora get on the phone to ask for small gifts
aurora wants a dvd of a christmas story an american film
you cant get it in aust apparently
eve wants some more of these little rubber things
go on the top of pencils
BELL RINGS
oh uh
time to go
more from road later

well
here i sit in quebec city
feeling bereft
feeling lonely
feeling quite small
we did our final gig last nite
and tim
and trevor our lighting guy
and craig wilson our keyboards player
and jorden brebach our sound guy
and craig beck our guitar tech
and stephen judge our record company n merch man
have all departed
i feel kinda like a child in my irrational loneliness
suddenly no more long drives
me n tim sitting up the front
having long musical n philosophical arguments
we kept each other awake during them long hauls
them long halls of black night
after we’d played the gig
after we’d packed up
when you had gone home n was sleeping
me n tim n all the rest in our 2 vans
were speeding down the road somewhere
in the middle of nowhere
now its over
the fellowship dissolved
i always feel sad n panicky when tours end
tho in a couple of weeks
itll seem like it never happened…..sigh
anyway last night
a packed theatre full of all ages
part of art festival
on before us
2 local softish rock acts
the second playing with bras n panties chucked at them
n now hanging off the guitars
both acts were good in their own innocuous way
i guess
i was neutral
the first act got a riotous encore
from the packed house
we hit the stage
let me say
we had a blinder
we sounded
and played like masters
there were few mistakes
the changeovers were smooth
we were delicate
we were rough
we were just right
and guess what
a crowd of about 150 people stood down the front cheering
and
the rest
inexorably
one by one by two by one
left
they didnt stay n listen
people had bought tickets to the festival
and just come in to see the others
stayed out of curiosity
but sure enough
they left
the worst thing an audience can do
is leave…
by the time we finished
there was probably 80 people left
outta that standing room only crowd
the balconies long dark n peopleless
the sea of flashing lapel lights they were wearing
now an odd red glimmer
well
i was demoralised
we had played a blinder
and they left
the average random person there
other than the “diehards” had left
hadnt we converted one person there?
didnt seem like it
we are not crowd pleasers
we gave it our best
and they left
an audience cannot do a worse thing than leave
staying n throwing stuff is almost better
but they left
left right left right
left
right?
afterwards
i try to discuss this with others
turns into a bit of a heated discussion
contained but tense
the others dont appreciate my “pessimism”
n fair enough
i say its because of my voice
and they fiercely disagree
anyway it ended in jokes n smiles
pete n marty are still here
we have a day n nite off
in quebec city
anyway
my point is this
we do not impress a random bunch of people
everyone made many excuses for the audiences disappearance
it was monday tomorrow
the local guys were quite big stars
we were too loud after the softish other bands
we didnt speak french
blah blah blah
but if it had been an act with the x factor
the crowd woulda stayed
or at least a lot lot more
than were there at the end
i feel dejected over this rejection
i thought maybe by now
we wood be good
enough
to appeal to any bunch of western adults
but in quebec
they just didnt want it
they didnt get it
they just shrugged
n exited quietly
as they split
i became less n less animated
until by the end
i could hardly even bear to look up
i kept my eyes closed
and i stared at my bass
we still played great though
jorden had pulled a great sound
but i was sad to see our marginal utility
at such a low ebb…
the tour itself fills me with mixed emotions
the long drives were dangerous
i am sleep deprived n cant seem to make it up
i look haggard n old its true
but remember
i am old
i am fully my nearly 55 years
i see myself aging daily
the tour has left my nerves frazzled
i feel sad in a bad way
we played really bloody well
seattle
denver
detroit
new york
albany
foxboro
they were real good ones
the actual crowd numbers were slightly down in most places
nowhere did we make any real gains
we had 2 to 3 hundred most nights
of course
i am thankful for every single one of those people
but
if things continue to dwindle
one must concede that eventually
perhaps
it will not be possible to tour anywhere
anymore
unless ticket prices go up n up
as crowds slowly get smaller n smaller
until 50 people
will be paying 100 bucks each
to see us play
in some empty place
remedies? :
festivals to get exposure to bigger crowds …
but last night shows
we are an acquired taste
we dont slay anyone who isnt willing to be slain
we are hypnotists that can only hypnotise
15 per cent of the people…
opening up for a big act the same deal
we tend not to pinch others crowds
its a historical fact
so i dont know…
i didnt make as much merch money as i had foolishly hoped
tho no one let me down
and the buyers were generous
we sold out early of certain items of mine
which would have generated me more income
had i had any acumen
but we ran out of stuff early on
and i missed opportunities
due to stupidity n bad timing
i fear i wont be returning home with too much of a swag
all of the figures wont be in for a while
but its not gonna be as good as i hoped or needed
i wont be rolling up in sweden cashed up
n able to do all the things i hoped with the twillies
you know, spoil em a little
because theyve had precious little of that from me
next i got the bad news last nite
(hadda take a xanny to getto sleep)
from my wonderful accountant dave
who does it for me gratis
that the tax office in aust
aint accepting my repayment scedule i have proposed
to pay em back at 1000 a month for 4 years
lord knows where i was gonna pull that 250 a week from
but i was gonna try
they say its not quick enough
hey i can see their point
but it would be impossible to pay anymore
when every thing in my financial world seems to contract
i dont know what they can do
the fact is i own nothing
ive blown it all in so many ways
its my fault
i am not asking for sympathy or advice
i am talking to you
because its too late to call australia now
and because it helps me to get this off my chest
if youre feeling sorry for me ..dont!
i really did cause this mess
it started long ago
i lost everything eventually
either thru heroin n then thru the crash after sept 11
i dont know what taxman will take
all i have is my four guitars
nothing else
a bit of furniture well used by children
no stocks no bonds no property
as a songwriter im one of the best
as a fiscally responsible person i am useless tho’
i have never defaulted on my taxes before
and i have always claimed honestly
i have never cheated em of dough
i have no credit card n no credit card debt
anyway
i fear being made “bankrupt”
tho i dont really know what that means exactly
i cant travel overseas? (great…thatll help em get the dough back)
a thing in the sydney morning herald classifieds
saying
steven j kilbee is now bankrupt
avoid his broke ass like the plague
anyhow
they literally cant get blood from a stone
so it’ll at least be “interesting” to see how this plays out
i hope i am not forced to leave sydney
the fear of this plagues me
it would destroy me a little
i hope the taxman can be reasonable
a strange place that i stand in
typical steve kilbey
he created all this
he destroyed all this
ever my blessing
ever my curse
ok now im looking for a miracle
im looking for a big art prize
or a role in a film
or get a song in a movie
or i dont know what the fuck!
i feeling low
i am not printing nasty comments for a while
nor reading them even
so dont waste your time
with the “suck it ups”
i feel my very existence
and that of my fam is under threat
and i feel bad for them
because i mismanaged things
we had those two good years cos utmw
was on all those tv shows
i got the money
i neglected to put any aside for tax
and i/we splurged
after a few very lean years
it was stupid but natural
if i could play every night somewhere
i would
i would play or act or paint or read or talk
or whatever people wanted me to do
if i could
every nite of the week
but the demand does not exist
hardly any one knows or cares
how much i have improved
too little too late
the english press that powerful thing
for whatever reason
ignore us
the great reviews in aust n in the u.s.
have not really had much effect
but it #23 could be a slow long burner
god knows it does take a few spins to get into it
but when you do
who else can do that kinda thing?
a handfull of others on this whole planet
we are criminally underrated
we are criminally neglected
we blew it a long time ago
n we never recovered
i believe the future for the church is not necessarily all dark
our wonderful patron klk
has agreed to fund our next record
with generous funding to make it possible
thats a true bright light at the end of some tunnel
once again n not for the last time
i/we salute his generosity
all he gets out of it is satisfaction (sometimes but this time)
we are playing better than ever
we are fierce and hard n hungry n all the rest
yet still
they gradually left last night
we are not accessible to the hoi polloi
ok
tomorrow we drive to ny
next day week in sweden
thanks for hanging in there fiends
this has been a very honest report
i hope you can grok it
i hope it gives you some insight into my life
i hope it wasnt too much information
i tell it like it is
this is my journal
i am the time being

the blues fest was not our best gig
due to rain
technical issues
human error
etc etc
we had a mediocre gig
nevermind
today we drove five hours at 7 am to get here
quebec city
part of a arts festival
lets see what happens then
sk

(me n cst coach ryan m
discussing the best way to wring an idiots neck)

its hard being me
its hard being a human
its hard being a creature on this planet
theres always more twists n turns ahead
accidents to avoid
crises to avert
revolutions to crush
suffering the slings n arrows
the gig in connecticut was slightly derailed
by a guy who wanted to stand up the front
in the theatre
dangling his hands on the stage
touching the cables etc
the theatre didnt want it
for whatever reason
and asks him not to
but he wants to
eventually i get kinda embroiled in it
i dont know what to do
i dont care
im neutral
but the guy is calling out
n carrying on
nothing major
just a niggling useless problem
by this stage
its all about the guy
his rights etc
he doesnt care the gig is going down the tube
maybe he cant see it
then he starts calling out to mwp
getting him involved
just losing all our momentum
the guy loved the church
but in the end
it ended up damaging us
this is what i mean
as a human being
you push one way
you get the opposite result
you protect freedom…you get a police state
you tolerate anything…you lose yer freedom
you try n help but you often hinder
you try to be consoling
people say dont condescend
try not to get involved you become aloof
try to get involved and youre in someones face
this isnt just for me
its for everyone
some kinda design error makes everything hard
until you finally get
windows that dont open
because someone jumped outta window once
so
now no go in most american hotels
THE WINDOWS WONT OPEN
FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY!!
how about
for your own safety this gun doesnt shoot
for your own safety the war has been cancelled
for your own safety the bad food is unavailable
ha ha
yeah
so i tried hard after the annoying man finally buggered off
but somehow my attention was diverted
i was thinking about a load of stuff
instead of being in the zone
where i shoulda been all along
because thats when you get a good show
still
no one wanted it to happen
but it did
just like iraq n vietnam n ww1 n 2
and all the other stuff
from tiny to huge
that just keeps going wrong here
for us hu-man beings
we did recover towards the end
and ended up having an ok gig
but
just one of those things
like stubbing your toe
or catching a cold
or killing yourself to live
or the beatings will continue until morale improves
let me say this
i do my best usually
i listen to what you say
a lot to juggle
imagine being a president or general or pilot or captain
everyday i hear n see contrary things
i get confused
i make bad calls
i make poor decisions
i ignore the wrong people
i listen to the wrong people
ah
sometimes the futility of it all
i dunno

tonite its albany
last u.s. gig
we re here now
its a weird kinda theatre
in a govt building
who knows how its gonna go…?
see ya
sk upstate new york
empire plaza
albany

yeah new york
wow
oh boy
gee
thats me n belfrank in the pic
in a genuine backstage pic taken in nyc
new new nnn new york city now
up to lexington 1 2 5
yeah the village man
yeah down in washington square hoo boy
the neon lights are bright on broadway
they say
downtown
uptown
midtown
whatever
visit my old prison cell
try on my old handcuffs…sentimental devil i am
i climb up empire state building
i do speed with loo read
i do some painting with andy war-hole
i hang out with jackson bollock
i shoot morph-een with billy burrows
i have breakfast at tiffanys (diamonds on toast)
i get a cab up to harlem and clean the train station
i get lost in some west side storey
i am subsumed in the steam
i am eaten up by the crowds on 83rd street
new york
much better than old york
much better than tom york
much better than york iller, arent you?
yeah
im so fucking hip
im so cool
im so where its all happening
the very epicentre of everything
i’m here and youre not
aint that too bad
rock n roll aminal
forget that i’m 54 cos i just got paid
subscribe or shut up
and to that nasty little sourpuss haunting my bloggs
YEAH I GOT A BIG N UGLY NOSE
EVERYONE HAS SAID SO MY WHOLE LIFE
NOW LETS HAVE A SHOT OF YOUR SCHNOZZLE…MR PRETTY
ooh sorry bout that…..
ah where was i….
i sit here with belfrank
we listen to new gb3
gee its good aint it?
yep
would i foist any second rate palaver onya?
would i what??!!
tonite
i will be redeemed
new york will love my
intelligence
my sophistication
my hot ancient boddy
my silver beard
my velvet voice
my hip references
and my great big hooked n ugly nose!
anyway
nnnnnnnew york city now
oh wow
how cool am i????