May | 2011 | The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

obviously hidden

i come down hard i crash through into next day and it burns a fugitive from reality i tried to escape but reality tracked me down its parked outside my house in a big black car its bugging my muse it tries to bribe me in subtle ways to adhere to it but i came unstuck as a child in the hive and some clueless anger ate me alive and a sense of dread gnawed on my days and i read what some dead magnificent poet once wrote and i heard what some magnificent dead singer once sang and as i plotted and planned my escape in terms of reality my thinking was becoming outside of it and using all the same tricks of other would be escapees but probably more and probably more often i ascended descended and went sideways in a flash i communicated with nature i was absolutely cut off and frozen i sat in satori at the edge of a rippling lake i tramped up and down the aisles of purgatory i wanted a vision i wanted a dream so vivid that i could park it in a garden like a caravan a door into another world a door like music or sex or drugs a door like having a fever a door like almost losing your life the doors are all there but who wants to go through them and them that do what do they bring back? so few of them tell me what i am so anxious to know….. almost everything seems like its not meant for me some impossible boredom numbs me at the very first word i cannot concentrate on a simple instruction but my reveries are peopled and filled with rich detail i feel like i belong somewhere else but […]

the crooked sky

i come down hard

i crash through into next day and it burns

a fugitive from reality i tried to escape

but reality tracked me down

its parked outside my house in a big black car

its bugging my muse

it tries to bribe me in subtle ways to adhere to it

but i came unstuck as a child in the hive

and some clueless anger ate me alive

and a sense of dread gnawed on my days

and i read what some dead magnificent poet once wrote

and i heard what some magnificent dead singer once sang

and as i plotted and planned my escape

in terms of reality my thinking was becoming outside of it

and using all the same tricks of other would be escapees

but probably more and probably more often

i ascended descended and went sideways in a flash

i communicated with nature

i was absolutely cut off and frozen

i sat in satori at the edge of a rippling lake

i tramped up and down the aisles of purgatory

i wanted a vision

i wanted a dream so vivid that i could park it in a garden like a caravan

a door into another world a door like music or sex or drugs

a door like having a fever a door like almost losing your life

the doors are all there but who wants to go through them

and them that do what do they bring back?

so few of them tell me what i am so anxious to know…..

almost everything seems like its not meant for me

some impossible boredom numbs me at the very first word

i cannot concentrate on a simple instruction

but my reveries are peopled and filled with rich detail

i feel like i belong somewhere else

but i cant tell if everyone feels like that

1967 was an exciting year

it seemed to me that reality might in fact be ruptured or cracked

something was afoot i guess but i was only a kid

i knew that before that someone somewhere had turned off the good times

i knew theres gotta be more than i was getting

nobody i knew could understand me

it seemed there was a revolution coming

the summer of love? oh i wanted to be there

in london hanging out in a club in soho

smoking hashish and a threesome with some german girls

their long blonde hair hung down their white backs

man we were eating strange mushrooms and having a groovy scene

it seemed so obvious to me a twelve year old uber-virgin

that had never been fucked or fought in a war

that we could just replace combat with incredible orgies

like in those old greek days in groves and in glades

bring on those voluptuous nymphs

and get rid of all the generals and tanks

i imagined myself cavorting in the moonlight

(probably with my undies on i was really still quite shy)

the summer of love

a love-in in this time of love moves me

playing guitar and flushed with cash

combining young heroes from film and fiction

dressed in the vogue and fashionably thin

but i was a freckly boy in his first year of high school

stupid in most things except for greek myths

and the lives of popstars who were rising and falling

the myths and the stardoms seemed intertwined

they all seemed like extraordinary people

beautiful brilliant and tragically doomed

yeah thats the world i wanted to be in

theres been some mistake this isnt me

inside i’m sure i’m somebody else somebody more

i’m always disappointed to see that its only still me

i ran from myself but i always caught up

i avoided myself but we always collided

i hated myself so i loved myself more

i was so awfully real such an ordinary boy

not one girl had never looked at me ever

i was a poet yet to write a word

i was yet to take shape in my cocoon of childhood

i was unable the breakthrough to a deep sublime well

anyway now

what seems like a million days later

and my play probably nearing the end of its run

half in and half out of this current version of life

saner than ever and mad as any raving hatter or march hare

i sit and i write whatever comes into my head

i walk round this world a bull in a china shop

a teacup in a storm, a babe in the woods

averting disaster only by luck

the bravado of fools who dont know any better

still i yearn and i burn and i yearn some more

for this other dimension of meaning and pleasure

ive stumbled in and out of it from time to time

doesnt matter what the zeitgeist says

it is possible to get out of this world

and still come back a bit unscathed

course the price you pay is in time and in money

course the price you pay is in madness and in turmoil

or you can do yoga and the price is still high

in dedication and in discipline and in determination

sometimes madness and turmoil seem quicker i guess

the search for a groovy enlightenment sure takes it toll

in your body and face and worse in your soul

you meet lots of devils and poor martyred angels

how can this not affect the 12 year old boy within?

that boy is my connection to my muse

i must not blow his mind tho i have once or twice

that childlike wonder must not be extinguished

in tv in society in nights at the pub

its lonely being a lunatic its lonely being an ugly duckling

almost certain that you’d never be a swan

but every creature on earth has its burdens

mine seem so trivial

the luxury of these times

actually i dont remember what i came in for

i guess i’ll catch ya later

when i have more to say

tele-phoenitic

black pull of the past persuasive fickle chance things at their very source sub-atomic yearning for union electric impulse and flow the chemical necessity that all things endure time which both nurtures and destroys the organic quality of thought luck plays a part relative space and space untouched by time nebulous forces of what we call destiny that we are fated to be and that we are fated to not be distant planets move and we falter on our paths some die some born some grow some wither no one can take everything into account god or the lack of one precipitation in foreign lands sudden glitches in reality if impossible things happen laws broken sometimes science is wrong melancholy of sunday unexplainable not inexplicable needing something you cannot name wanting something you have forgotten saying something you never expected remembering something that you never did regretting an opportunity that you never had life you can only live you cant have it you cant touch it you cant keep it life meanders on like a river through sunday life languishes there yet slipping through all our fingers life like love crucial essential so easily lost so easily squandered changeable mercurial inflammable gone

as the night begins for one

black pull of the past

persuasive fickle chance

things at their very source

sub-atomic yearning for union

electric impulse and flow

the chemical necessity that all things endure

time which both nurtures and destroys

the organic quality of thought

luck plays a part

relative space and space untouched by time

nebulous forces of what we call destiny

that we are fated to be and that we are fated to not be

distant planets move and we falter on our paths

some die some born

some grow some wither

no one can take everything into account

god or the lack of one

precipitation in foreign lands

sudden glitches in reality

if impossible things happen

laws broken

sometimes science is wrong

melancholy of sunday

unexplainable not inexplicable

needing something you cannot name

wanting something you have forgotten

saying something you never expected

remembering something that you never did

regretting an opportunity that you never had

life you can only live

you cant have it

you cant touch it

you cant keep it

life meanders on like a river through sunday

life languishes there yet slipping through all our fingers

life like love

crucial essential so easily lost so easily squandered

changeable mercurial inflammable

gone

the content of indices

hello …? yes.. i am here to fix your poem, madam jericho go go go the red and yellow time the devil in the detail moment of solemn introspection no vertical hold underwater afternoon the weight of another world the moon is an illusion projected by the illuminati the brittle shattered life speeds up allure of sorcery dull ache of time null and void the end sometimes comes first

it all began on an ordinary afternoon hello …? yes.. i am here to fix your poem, madam jericho go go go the red and yellow time the devil in the detail: moment of solemn introspection

no vertical hold underwater afternoon the weight of another world the moon is an illusion projected by the illuminati the brittle shattered life speeds up allure of sorcery dull ache of time: null and void

the end sometimes comes first

an index of contents

priestess of mercury underlying cause of instability the ancients could harness the cosmic charge of union her spirit moves towards me like smoke illumination of hidden objects in rapture i consider my fathers return white light must explode from the skull an early photograph of poet with malaria shadow of things yet to come a forever of pure nothingness reality is always negotiable his muse was a comet searing his brain the power of the black star has increased tenfold the scientist observes destruction magician manipulates some dark ray reverie of insufficient stuff open for business as usual tomorrow the world you will inherit is out there now the poet leads his life in the abstract an image is captured

life somewhere else priestess of mercury underlying cause of instability the ancients could harness the cosmic charge of union her spirit moves towards me like smoke illumination of hidden objects in rapture i consider my fathers return white light must explode from the skull an early photograph of poet with malaria shadow of things yet to come a forever of pure nothingness reality is always negotiable his muse was a comet searing his brain the power of the black star has increased tenfold the scientist observes destruction magician manipulates some dark ray reverie of insufficient stuff: open for business as usual tomorrow

the world you will inherit is out there now: the poet leads his life in the abstract

an image is captured

anodyne line

the night is weird and wild i enter it on tippy toes i find it via a map of evening the night is tonight the night of long knives the night of the panther daylight long since gone i appease my hunger with shadow i fill my throat with echo i go down to the night waiting offshore the night is freezing and rubbing its hands the dirty wind is full of cold grit the night whistling up some alley the night wide awake and dressed up in stars the night is out back of a bar the night squeezes in under your door the night in the house where everything moves the night in the house where everything still the poet is nervous his anxiety crushing the night is more than his poor head can take the white icing of moonlight falls on his pillow the eyes of the night one thousand in all the flowers expire their breath in their vases a cat screeches outside but drowned in the wind nothing tastes good in the seaside cafe the waitress seems like shes got the moon in her eyes a man comes in he looks like a monster another man comes in he looks like a freak a third man joins them with the face of a crab something strange has come down on this city and it walks abroad flagrantly real the end of the road and the end of our fun i smash at the hands clinging to me i go to a doctor who gives me a needle i go to a whore who gives me an hour i go to a bakery and blow all my bread i go to a nightclub as plain as the day i go to a meeting hi my names […]

my eos

the night is weird and wild

i enter it on tippy toes

i find it via a map of evening

the night is tonight

the night of long knives

the night of the panther

daylight long since gone

i appease my hunger with shadow

i fill my throat with echo

i go down to the night waiting offshore

the night is freezing and rubbing its hands

the dirty wind is full of cold grit

the night whistling up some alley

the night wide awake and dressed up in stars

the night is out back of a bar

the night squeezes in under your door

the night in the house where everything moves

the night in the house where everything still

the poet is nervous

his anxiety crushing

the night is more than his poor head can take

the white icing of moonlight falls on his pillow

the eyes of the night one thousand in all

the flowers expire their breath in their vases

a cat screeches outside but drowned in the wind

nothing tastes good in the seaside cafe

the waitress seems like shes got the moon in her eyes

a man comes in he looks like a monster

another man comes in he looks like a freak

a third man joins them with the face of a crab

something strange has come down on this city

and it walks abroad flagrantly real

the end of the road and the end of our fun

i smash at the hands clinging to me

i go to a doctor who gives me a needle

i go to a whore who gives me an hour

i go to a bakery and blow all my bread

i go to a nightclub as plain as the day

i go to a meeting hi my names steven

and i am addicted to the night so dark

and i lurk in its belly and i run through its prism

and i watch the minutes turn into years

wee small hours linger in crystal

and the children grow up

and the summer is gone

old book

an old book still haunting me there were these children maybe it was london and a black cat in a garden a doorway back in time time standing still the dead still living in the past its not that easy to talk to them though the living seem like shadows here ago the moon moves like the sun and the buildings are not straight as you stare the faces blur the streets resist your feet under a palm tree where a spell is cast the children find another way out a stranger still place not far from their own a place so heavy and sad and still the liquid air elapses in gulps the black cat can talk in some world some world they get into away from the slow place the black cat is a magician being punished by a king and he wanders the planes assuming animal forms and he lives by the rivers and he follows the streams the children promise him a favour if he can get them home their mother is cooking their tea and they should be there soon but the black cat tricks them and returns to our earth and the king pursues him to the end of time and a witch caught inside a tree screams i shall eat you all if i ever get free and the little people who live in the woods well some were quite bad and some were quite good the bad ones were wicked dreadful little things with curved fingernails and dragonfly wings they didnt mind which imp they got behind and suddenly the angry king appears outside mothers house with his men all in armour he could easily harm her with his barbarian bride and his snake charmer oh the children are sure this will […]

doctor dee reveals nothing

an old book still haunting me

there were these children

maybe it was london

and a black cat in a garden

a doorway back in time

time standing still

the dead still living in the past

its not that easy to talk to them though

the living seem like shadows here ago

the moon moves like the sun

and the buildings are not straight

as you stare the faces blur

the streets resist your feet

under a palm tree

where a spell is cast

the children find another way out

a stranger still place not far from their own

a place so heavy and sad and still

the liquid air elapses in gulps

the black cat can talk in some world

some world they get into away from the slow place

the black cat is a magician being punished by a king

and he wanders the planes assuming animal forms

and he lives by the rivers and he follows the streams

the children promise him a favour if he can get them home

their mother is cooking their tea and they should be there soon

but the black cat tricks them and returns to our earth

and the king pursues him to the end of time

and a witch caught inside a tree

screams

i shall eat you all if i ever get free

and the little people who live in the woods

well some were quite bad

and some were quite good

the bad ones were wicked dreadful little things

with curved fingernails and dragonfly wings

they didnt mind which imp they got behind

and suddenly the angry king appears outside mothers house

with his men all in armour he could easily harm her

with his barbarian bride and his snake charmer

oh the children are sure this will alarm her

but the children have forgotten mothers gold heart

that hangs round her neck both day and night

a picture of father gone off to the war

true love that reaches into the past

and she walks cross the lawn slaps that king round the face

and all of his one hundred warriors gasp

but the king is impressed and he gives her a wish

and mother says bring back my children and their father to me

and the king doffs his armour and then she can see

he says

madam it is I who stands before thee

back from the dead in another world a king

come with me now we will rule yesterday

and the black cat comes forward and says with a purr

that he could magic the children all back

if the king will forgive him and the king says

I will

and it all ended well

like a dream

melting on your mind

so far away

visitation

the devil is in the detail hot red hell the crimson and white of her flesh the angry welt cross her chest in anger and confusion in temptation and taboo evil for the sake of evil the grin the smirk the pout the baby voice the spirit of a criminal framed in black the instrument panel lined in red lush velvet deathly white walls sin lives here and their air is icy hot my hands were cold as i touched her her eyes never changed as i reached down others might try to humiliate her defiance i could imagine them as they did it a voice in my head was saying something something awful i couldnt even repeat it to myself sin had manifested as this woman i caught sight of myself in a pool a shambolic wreck i look like some lunatic washed up in the south seas my face all flushed my glass forehead beaded in sweat nostrils flaring knees buckling i was a horror unto myself look what all this sin has wrought her one kiss makes me feel devoured jezebel oh you want to punish her…… the snake in his tree is watching you touching her are you a man or an animal ? it asks a man i am a man i/you reply no surely you are a beast the snake says in your mind my hands have been lost for days they wander far and wide across the countryside the snake watches the woman whisper in your ear shes not interested in you you fool the snake says i shake my head i’m watching a film in some cinema some mean old landlord evicting a young mother out! he says oh please kind sir isnt there some other way to pay you than money […]

red shift

the devil is in the detail

hot red hell

the crimson and white of her flesh

the angry welt cross her chest

in anger and confusion

in temptation and taboo

evil for the sake of evil

the grin the smirk the pout the baby voice

the spirit of a criminal framed in black

the instrument panel lined in red lush velvet

deathly white walls

sin lives here and their air is icy hot

my hands were cold as i touched her

her eyes never changed as i reached down

others might try to humiliate her defiance

i could imagine them as they did it

a voice in my head was saying something

something awful

i couldnt even repeat it to myself

sin had manifested as this woman

i caught sight of myself in a pool

a shambolic wreck

i look like some lunatic washed up in the south seas

my face all flushed

my glass forehead beaded in sweat

nostrils flaring knees buckling

i was a horror unto myself

look what all this sin has wrought

her one kiss makes me feel devoured

jezebel oh you want to punish her……

the snake in his tree is watching you touching her

are you a man or an animal ? it asks

a man i am a man i/you reply

no surely you are a beast the snake says in your mind

my hands have been lost for days

they wander far and wide across the countryside

the snake watches the woman whisper in your ear

shes not interested in you you fool the snake says

i shake my head

i’m watching a film in some cinema

some mean old landlord evicting a young mother

out! he says

oh please kind sir

isnt there some other way to pay you than money ?

she implores him on her knees

the camera zooms in on our villains eyes

twinkling with merry old sin

well (he twirls his moustache ) perhaps there is one way….

doctor faustus is in his office when a red face appears from a wall

lust the rawest and most incurable sin

the devil dreamed up lust just last night it was his last chance

oh fuck i’m a genius he said upon discovering it

and he sent it into mans hearts to bewilder them

doctor faustus middle aged and serious sits glaring at you

youre an evil person he says in german accented english

he pronounces evil as eefil

you think

some say the devil is quite a gentleman

he knows his way round a good red and some tasty meat

he prefers a piece of rump or the white flesh of the breast

for dessert tongues in various jellies

the sheets in his bed are as black as space

tiny crushed stars as crumbs under him

why do you need your soul anyway? whispers the woman

her hands have multiplied under your clothes

oh yes youre definitely an animal says the snake as it watches

its eye never leaves you for one single moment

tasting the air saturated in sin it recoils itself

i notice some music is playing

the most delicious swaying suggesting music

it comes drifting upon a concupiscent cloud

the devil writes music that is unearthly

his notes fall from grace in spacey elegies for lust

lewd and rhythmic percussion

fuck you! says the woman astride and riding away

faustus asks where are your morals?

mother asks where are your clothes?

my neck all bruised and blueish

i blew my salary in this den of iniquity

a refund ….? you must be joking …..says someone

someone in another room

he is an animal and a fool the snake again

he will suffer much but learn nearly nothing

what do you want to see honey? asks the very first woman

i want to see fuckin’ everything…you say

then look here sweetheart she says

and the last thing you think of

as you gaze into the laptop

is the image of an apple

with one single bite

a new guinea pig

in your wildest dreams i am your slave then seven times you will do my bidding and seven time return from wherever you are you said in triumph from wherever i am ?i asked askance even from limbo….. you said akimbo then my body was prepared with some magic how could i know…… my mind was put to sleep when i awoke i was out in this world this world of danger of mischief of time out in this world i was a lamb unto the slaughter i was given a name i was given a number you do this you do that they all said until one day i realised i was saying that too fixing the facade for the establishment happy to be a cog behind the scenes 3 people manipulated my life the god and the devil and you not necessarily in that order and sometimes you align with the god and sometimes with the devil with god you protect me from devil and with the devil you protect me from the god so when the devil kills me seven times the god resurrects me the same each time i return i come stand before you you in your guises you in your darkness you in your tower that lies to the north each time i come back i stand at your table my eyes are so dim my hands are restrained the first time you chuckled i heard that you died yes i said i had a growth in my side then tell me you said what was your death like oh it was like nothing i said like in the blackest black dream…..? like in the deepest dark sleep like in the most silent night….? like in the quietest dawn so you flung me back […]

jumbo jumble in jungle

in your wildest dreams i am your slave

then seven times you will do my bidding

and seven time return from wherever you are

you said in triumph

from wherever i am ?i asked askance

even from limbo….. you said akimbo

then my body was prepared with some magic

how could i know…… my mind was put to sleep

when i awoke i was out in this world

this world of danger of mischief of time

out in this world i was a lamb unto the slaughter

i was given a name i was given a number

you do this you do that they all said

until one day i realised i was saying that too

fixing the facade for the establishment happy to be a cog

behind the scenes 3 people manipulated my life

the god and the devil and you

not necessarily in that order

and sometimes you align with the god

and sometimes with the devil

with god you protect me from devil

and with the devil you protect me from the god

so when the devil kills me seven times

the god resurrects me the same

each time i return

i come stand before you

you in your guises

you in your darkness

you in your tower that lies to the north

each time i come back i stand at your table

my eyes are so dim

my hands are restrained

the first time you chuckled

i heard that you died

yes i said

i had a growth in my side

then tell me you said what was your death like

oh it was like nothing i said

like in the blackest black dream…..?

like in the deepest dark sleep

like in the most silent night….?

like in the quietest dawn

so you flung me back amongst the living

i was some character

got my brains blown out in a war on drugs

god said its a miracle you never ODed before

devil said it was me keeping our boy alive

you said i dont care about any of that

i want to know of your second death

it was nothingness i suppose i said

it wasnt that bad being nothing…? you asked

no nothing feels nothing i said with a guess

it sure felt like nothing to me at the time

how was it to finally be just a nothing…?

nothing special i admitted with sigh

sent back here a third time i crashed my head

into the side of the zeitgeist one night

my animal spirit perished inside me

without it i quickly succumbed to fatigue

by magic enchanted

by yoga much strengthened

in pleasure and woman and money much weakened

destroyed by pressure of illusory junk

what have you to say for yourself ? you ask

i’m sorry i wasted a life on such things…..

what things do you mean….? you asked almost politely

i mean things that burned me over and over

devil just laughed

i could have told you that he said

god said nothing

he looked at the clouds

arent they beautiful….? he wondered allowed

you rolled me back into number 4

i was a soldier for rocknroll

some bastard on the other side had me electrocuted

i hated your stuff ! said the devil

too good for him but…..said god

too evil for him….said the devil

yes theyre both right youre falling through the cracks you said

i was despatched

then for the fifth time i came again here as a doctor

doing plastic surgeries under the stars

turning back time with a stitch shifting time and pitch

but my hydrofoil ran out of juice on a cliff

oh too bad over the edge of a tumultuous waterfall

oh a sickening feeling i dream of it still

down and over and over and down

you should have seen your face ! you said

the god said my dear you should have seen yours….

the devil said nothing

he puffed on a soul

thought about a lovely glowing abyss

and some bright red she devil with colossal big tits

much better than this world out here damp and no fun

the sixth time i drowned in a bottle

no one could pull me out even tho i called out once

help me i’m going down…!

i heard him said devil

i heard him too said god but he had his free will…

how was your death then drinker ? you asked in mock horror

it was awful…!

i groaned cause it stays with me still

it sickens my heart and it wearies my mind

and my soul full of sorrow my mouthful of lies

ready for seven then you said with delight

oh no and then

i woke up here just now and its right here tonight

the devil said well he’s caught on at last

the god said one thing that boy aint is fast

you said good luck

and then fuck off

into the past

and i wonder what clown

is picking the cast

Church merch

On the church merch shelves – ‘A Psychedelic Symphony’ t-shirts (in black or white) + a range of other merch i.e. U#23 t-shirt/cd/program packages, Deadman’s Hand ep with tour program and 30th Anniversary t-shirt, Deadman’s Hand tote bag, the Kilbey Kennedy cd + more

On the church merch shelves – ‘A Psychedelic Symphony’ t-shirts (in black or white) + a range of other merch i.e. U#23 t-shirt/cd/program packages, Deadman’s Hand ep with tour program and 30th Anniversary t-shirt, Deadman’s Hand tote bag, the Kilbey Kennedy cd + more

in marine seraglio

on the road to underwater damascus i dream of dry land before earth drowned i access the collective unconscious accidentally one day although it lies there waiting for you all down in the bottom of your minds lake oh i was diving diving after some illusive thing holding my breath in that murky descent gargantuan cavern never penetrated by light air in my lungs starting to congeal the blood becomes green the surface now so far away oh years and years i am changing i say to the murk been under under under so long underwater under hypnosis i float and drift like pieces of wood i have forgotten whatever i it was i was chasing as the depths open up and swallow me whole inside my wet suit inside my man suit inside my strong suit my goggles full of my liquid eyes my mind full of oceanic lies neptunes palace in those seas skies as we fall and rise as we fall and rise

silent vicious unfathomable

on the road to underwater damascus

i dream of dry land before earth drowned

i access the collective unconscious accidentally one day

although it lies there waiting for you all

down in the bottom of your minds lake

oh i was diving

diving after some illusive thing

holding my breath in that murky descent

gargantuan cavern never penetrated by light

air in my lungs starting to congeal

the blood becomes green

the surface now so far away oh years and years

i am changing i say to the murk

been under under under so long

underwater under hypnosis

i float and drift like pieces of wood

i have forgotten whatever i it was i was chasing

as the depths open up and swallow me whole

inside my wet suit inside my man suit

inside my strong suit

my goggles full of my liquid eyes

my mind full of oceanic lies

neptunes palace in those seas skies

as we fall and rise