The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

fleurs du mal

the elusiveness of pleasure

you chase it till you overshoot it

eventually nothing will do the trick

not even your little precious’s

predictable inevitable and futile

i cannot look on any longer

i’m over it

youre free

in free fall

one eyed cat 13

the despairing worm which writhes under golden light

between the withered blade and the tombstone thistles where i lay me down

the inky night of a dark star to guide me

the shape of a pale rider beside me

the stupid hope you’ll be home soon here inside me

i grope towards the dangling truth but its so flexible

imperceptibly bent

i believe i will leave

when i leave then surely i will believe

i believe i can leave and leave it all behind

diamond lined mind of many faces

replaces a dwarf for slim chance

i dance in the margins

where the ichor oozes and hardens

in gardens of the blind surely you wander now

fonder however as you are of ham rather than what i am

yonder is bonding my wand to the distance

in this instance

at least

and all my insistence

i need no assistance

the futurarctica

if youre reading this then i must be sorry

if you happen to cast a glance upon these words

you know me and you know me well

and the new you knew me once too

back before the glaciers slid into your lives

before the mammoth sailed across your plains

before the wind starred in your garden of unearthly delights

before that strange sweet thing which eats you all alive had manifested last winter

and even before when i wandered

and even before that when all is one

then then then

just then

just then

same old shot

at last me and kathy came to the edge of the great forest where we had wandered lost for years

and lo there were two paths that stretched off on either side

which one would dad have taken..? wondered kathy aloud

and then

you got to choose..! she said to me almost angry as i stood there hesitating

as i stood there gazing from my left to my right

at the 2 paths that led off into the haze of some fine distance

well..? demands some other voice in another room

the audience all tune in to see what me and kathy will do

as we stand there at a standstill

as i dither and fumble and time rushes by

as the birds fly in low and make mechanical noises

as a fox stops to gaze at us

as a reindeer grazes on the verdant lawn

come on steven she says to me and reaches for my hand

pulling me towards her and the left hand path

no i say weakly but she is too strong

the fox shakes its head

the birds caw and screech

the reindeer regards us with its sad dark eyes

we walk down that path and a cold fog of night comes down

we walk that path losing each other in its darknesses

i walk along on my own thru the dreary and sad night

Kathy..?  i call but there is no one there to hear my voice muffled as it is in fog

Kathy..? i think but there is no one anywhere who can hear my thoughts

and so i walk on and on for one thousand years

faltering step on faltering step

marking out a circle in which i meander life upon life upon life

until i am small and nothing left of me

except the last Kathy..?

which is uttered and then hanging in the silence

a tiny little sound

like the memory of a bell faraway in childhood.

big shot

yeah look at me kids

im a singer in shiny pants and a big ole mike

suddenly the moment is over

i cant really sing very well but the people clap anyway

thats politeness for you

i am across the social media like margarine spread on a cracker

i must seem to be everywhere but i’m in my rented room in coogee on my own

i impatiently wait for sleep to arrive altho its not even 10 oclock

i dont feel sorry for myself because all the bad stuff was my own doing

my own undoing i should say

i had it all and i lost it all and then i had more and i lost more

when its gone its gone and its gone

the music biz conspires not to pay me what should be coming to me but i hardly care anymore

large sums of money are mentioned but it trickles down slow and arduous

theres always an excuse

my tongue isnt forked its a cat o nine tails

my eyes glazed over i follow only the action i’m interested in

i cant hear whatever you say i dont feel whatever it is

the happiness drops are yet to hit my system

i am expected to believe stupendous fairytails and i sit there barely protesting

i go have a massage i go have acupuncture

as quick as they put it back together it falls apart again

i did and said every wrong thing as i always do

inexplicable things occur

anxiety pursues me

taking up possession in my mind and the voices all pipe up

nowhere seems a good place to be

wherever i am i am in the way

people push around me to get to wherever it is they are going

i derail all the trains that holding precious cargo runaway into evening

i am an anomaly a king without a thing

except an axe to grind

and some blues to sing

life is so bizarre and random

i mean there is a god but i have drifted away into shadow

shadow of nescience

of untruth

i struggle with the darkness sent to get me

why does it want me…?

i couldnt even say

my brilliant mind all amped up the synapses fire non stop

i am not allowed to say i am speechless

the mirror looks tired and gaunt slightly haunted

the horizon stretches out across the barren page where i have written nothing

the rain comes in through the heat where its stifling and dark

my ribcage holds a photocopy of a heart

i was in the moment but the moment is gone

i start to feel sleepy that is at least a good thing

tomorrow i jump on a bus for another gig

some country town i hear i never been before

i will arrive decorated in my shambles

my fiascos will be nicely on display

still the mouth open there comes that voice i mean its ok

blah blah blah the singers sing

what the fuck does that all mean why a big delightful nothing

the drums boom boom crash whack thud

the lights turn blood red

the characters in my life are all in my song

in my one song i sing out man i was strung out in a dream

running around trying to call somebody

i was unaware that i lay in a bed and was dreaming

in the next room i hear myself arguing with someone

my voice getting louder and angrier

my voice and the other voice over the top of each other

no one is listening but me now sitting here typing this up

round and round the argument goes ending back at the start before launching forth again

tears and sneers and cheerless jeering

i cant hear much anyway my ears ring so bad now

i cant even hear myself going on from weeks ago

the window rattles in its pane

some guys are having a drink and a laugh next door

i am detached now

my mind begins to switch off

sundays are the worst day

its friday night

in someones head i will paint the town red

my dreams will be more of the same

some struggle i can never name

wow its 10 22 now thats really past my bedtime

seeing tomorrow i will sing somewhere else

and someone else will hear the song

dont wait up

and i will be right along

in silent prayer

when we are not we

the sky ripped open

sound of great wings is audible

in silent prayer the air around me thickens

the blood in my mind quickening so slowly

my moon dissolve in the puddle

when you are not you are not you

you alone without all the other stuff

no props no filters no lens no more shocks

i am not i am not i am not myself

me alone as the droned tones of our song linger

no longer a singer now im just another croaker

and everyone will be glad when its over

yes everyone will be glad for the bother

i am not you and never should have been

i should have listened i should have seen

i should have read between all the lines

i should have never vented all my furious spleen

all the clowns and little pigs

why do they appeareth so big..?

cloakful of eagles

harridan of mercindols

i sing for my supper and i sometimes must starve

i am everything i never wanted to be

i merge with the rain

in sunlight all my years on my face

the people i meet with all shaking my hands

in sleep i am in torment

in alertness i am falling asleep

longing for moments in the past to return

null future void on

the songs i sang

all rang on in my ears

why dontcha smile?

i killer of the mundane

the slayer of ennui

the kingly man with a lions heart on his sleeve steve

i who live on nectars and ether

visitor from another planet with strangely powerless

yeah i fucking entertain em for my living

i jumped up in fremantle last night

me n my little band damn we were good

i know jesus looked down and smiled once or twice

playing a bunch of my new songs too

oh gee they all really  sounded good at least i thought so

had a few stiff gins too and some excellent musicians cigarettes

fell into the zone and we stayed there

full marks to guys in my band shaun shaun and adrian

in one  afternoon we chucked it all together

great venue too altho i already forgot the name

was it the blinco club or something?

going on radio today and indigenous singer Gina Williams

is going to come on and sing under the milky  way

in her own language Noongar . there are less than 400 living speakers

i sing second verse because Gina got stuck translating the word “curtains”

because they had no curtains and no word for them

so she has a lovely powerful voice too

imagine my song sung in this ancient and rare tongue

well thats gotta be good…right?

corporate solo show for some lawyers tonite for some good $

wonder if i can snag a free attorney? but the law is an ass…!

then back east to rehearse for smiths tribute gig which is sold out

almost a thousand people

now cramming in my room for show

i am

this charming man

bidding fonda dew

so far so good

sorry for my immodesty but fuck i feel and i look good for 62

in fact i feel healthier and have more energy than when i was 22

my doctor says to me after a whole gamut of tests

whatever youre doing just keep doing it!

my blood pressure my heart my lungs my blood tests all my levels: in good shape

my friends you will be happy to know i turned the diabetes around by avoiding sugar

the hep C is now gone thanks to Harvoni

the heart palpitations have stopped

i swim

i do yoga

i meditate

i walk up n down hills

nothing and nobody stops me

of course i lay most of this at the feet of not eating meat

if you wanna look young and be healthy DONT EAT FUCKING MEAT!

what can be any simpler than that?

dont smoke cigarettes

take it easy with booze. i like a drink but i stop at one rarely 2

take it easy with the drugs

watch out cos theres a lotta new synthetics out there gonna fuck you up quicker than heroin ever would

be nice to people

do charitable acts

its so obvious

imitate jesus

imitate buddha

have  sex (even if its only with yerself you wankers!) i reckon its gotta be good for ya!

have good friends

do what you believe in

blah blah blah

you know what i say its all the same old things i always say

but look at me the proof is in the pudding

then also one day my luck will run out like everyone elses has to

meanwhile  i have hit my sixties with a definite bang! and i’m on the track n i’m running

refrain from all that bullshit you know is bad for you

get in the fucking sea and get in the sun and get in the wind

be courteous and polite to everyone even if they are obviously being a fucknuckle

i dont know

i feel my philosophies and lifestyle and my beliefs have rendered 62 a mere number

nothing has changed

i aint no old shambling wreck

i was a vegetarian and i exercised and now i am really reaping the rewards

i only tell you this not to merely brag although i am stupidly bragging yes

but to exhort you to stop with the meat stop with the bad stuff

do the good stuff

look !

it works

i’m 62 and i dont give a flying fuck!

now btw

am having a remarkable sale for my birthday that will last for one week only and then will revert back to normal price . you can buy all 35 of my solo and collaboration albums for just under 100 dollars

Go to any album and navigate to ‘BUY NOW’.

Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Get all 35 releases from Steve Kilbey available on Bandcamp and save 80%.

all of this will one day pass

it is of no consequence what he says or she does

all the lies

all the truth

who will care ?

unscrupulous bastards

paragons of virtue

ordinary old scrubbers

the waiter with the bill

the noise the hoo ha

the jockeying

the dirty flirting thats always hurting

the black eye

the eviction notice

the mezcal still going down n making me sleepy

oh to sleep and sleep and sleep

oh to wake up in a sunny past when everything was just so splendid

the wheels crank around

the orbs move through the sky

nothing changes

everything changes

its all still going on out here

theyre all still closing in on us

the cops the lawyers the soldiers the ghosts

a hundred thousand born

a hundred thousand die

but sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep

how i envy those deep dreaming in some lovely sleep

outside tho

its cold and im getting old and my skin is tight and hurting

strangers love me but lovers are estranged how very strange

no i aint got the power anymore

i impotently hurl words at pages

old and fragile faker

just another contender just another lender just another bender

fill me up with more drugs and more drink and more women and more music

send me to bed without my fucking supper

look at me sadly as i sit up in bed waiting for something that never arrives

walk around the room putting things away thank you for all the hooks

remembering blue days and photographs of apples

remembering velvety rivers and gentle evenings

remembering all those heads that lay on my shoulder

remembering screaming down a million phones at a million different people

everyone of them was me

the preposterous jostling against the pleasant mundanity of life

i hate sunday and i always will

i already feel it coming down the line

i hate loneliness i hate crowds

i hate silence i hate noise

i hate hating stuff and i wonder where all the love evaporates when its gone

i wonder how long im s’posed to play my latest part and i fear not much longer

the words fall out of the sky

the messages come in like stupid little pigeons

oh i love you

oh now i hate you

oh now i am at the shop do you want anything?

oh why dont you come down to charlies bar where we’re all having a drink?

oh why dont you lighten up

oh why dont you take it more seriously

oh why dont you pay the interest on your credit card and avoid a late fee

oh why dont you write a song about all of this

my legs are hurting

my eyes are sore

i like looking at my face still and admiring my angles

i could do anything i like but i do nothing

i shouldnt do anything but theres nothing i like anyway

now i am already asleep

the bills have paid themselves

the problems have been solved as i dreampt

i feel warmth in my limbs

as i sleep i hold my cock in my hand

my hair looks stupid when i wake up

its still only very early but the aeroplanes are rattling all my statues of buddha

the phantom groupies are all getting dressed and having showers and leaving

the long dead boys of all the old bands are smoking cigarettes as the van splutters to life

we’re in germany

we’re in iowa

we’re in strathfield

i lied to you all i never wrote any songs

or played any gigs

i was never a junky

i never was in bed with yer sister

i never left school

my name isnt even steve fucking kilbey

how gullible you were to believe all that nonsense

how lovely it is to sleep in my little bed all snugly in my boots and jacket

how unobtainable the past suddenly is

oh its lovely down here

tell me

why would ya ever wanna wake up?