The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

the residue of my long life settling
full of envy full of woe
trying to escape ourself
people hammer on my soft skin
demanding loyalties or royalties
the harbour still treats me as a stranger
the streets mislead me still
the signs ignore me
i run to my old house
i cant find it through my vale of tears
and the tears tore
and inside were globes which contained scenes
in each scene i saw…..oh!
richman
poorman
beggarman
steve
steve what happened to your eyes
steve what happened to your ears
steve what happened to your years
its a long story….
but i will try to
the word never comes
i am pushed into a cell with criminals
what are you in for i say?
murder!
arson!
treason!
and you ….?……they ask
i stared down at my hand
a joker (no one laughing)
king of (night)clubs
jack of (paste) diamonds
7 of (broken) hearts
and a white knight
i looked up at my new friends
self obsession i confessed
they moaned as one
and hid in the corners of the jail
monster screamed the murderer
my father comes to collect me
he still smells of old spice and a faint tobacco tinge
we drive home in silence
the red tail lights go on and on
as we drive past the steelworks
youve bloody shown me up steven …my father says
i squirm in my seat
nothing ever makes me sadder than letting him down
through more tears the black night and red tail lights blur
port kembla goes by and out of memory
my father scrolls through the dial on the radio
dusty springfield sings
i just dont know what to do with myself
a beautiful and melancholic song
the french horns seem to blow from a lovelorn wilderness
the strings seem to weep as they play out their lines
dusty sings
just waiting for you…i dont know what else to do
i can see her there
broken hearted and lonely
in a darkened room
the telephone which never rings
a light flashes in the rain somewhere
unfeeling cars zoom through the wet streets
cars that reached their destination 40 years ago
everything that happens in the singers world is past
love affairs all over
no morning no light
she waits so patiently on your song
we know her lover will never come back
we see it all…
we?
but who is we?
i look around and see no one seems to share my great vantage point
its just me on my own
with my little complex of sub-mes
seeing future present and past
future: too late
past :too early
present: how soon is soon?
everyone gets tired of me and walks away
as they disappear
i remember the important thing i had to say
but by the time i proclaim my new axiom
all out of earshot
are you out of earshot? asked a salesman
offering me a selection of the very finest
i peered down at the tiny jars that stood on the shelves
earshot original recipe
earshot with vanilla wisps
eyeshot blodshot and red
knuckledust with ghost macadamia
treeflesh kosher
elbow grease with velvetesse
song fragments with poignant lyric chips
oil of a lark sky
message from a deadfriend
morning sap
as i was thinking about which i could most seriously use
kathy woke up in the back seat
where are we now dad? she asked
oh ho ho youve been asleep a long way, little girl ..dad said
dad is that the thirroul pool ?she asked
dad laughed and changed the dial on the radio
bits and pieces of news and sport and classical go on n off
dad keeps tuning till he finds some proper music
the beatles come on
oh dad listen its the beatles! kathy squeals with delight
theyre as good as beethoven she says
dad smiles and turns it up
gee this is a good song he says
we all feel like part of something new
the beatles have come along
and the whole world is laughing with relief
everyone loves their songs
and then….
trouble brews on their horizon
i dont like that woman though says dad
thats not yet dad says kathy from behind him
shes stroking dads hair which so nicely sits against his neck
dads got side burns and a sea lion mustache
i dont know why they have to be weird he grumbles
mclennon has gone solo
i put a tape of it in the player
titanic gardens spread out in a dream …he sings
…everything for my haze
baby did a sad sad thing
ive been gone for days and days and..
thats a mellotron says kathy
i like that other song better says dad
the one about the sea lion
sealine? i say
no he means
all you ever needed was love
kathy starts to sing
everytime you come and go
whenever you forget you really know
all you ever needed was love..
dad and i whistle the french anthem bit
ha ha ha we all laugh
by now a blue had impinged on the black
day was coming
they dropped me off at home
i walked wearily up the drive
little stones and sandy soil
palm trees and weeds
concrete and an old broken hose
bits of paper and honeysuckle vines
i put my guitar case down
and stumble through the door
its tuesday
the morning has come
my arms ache
my throat is sore
my my
oh my

where do words lead us ….?
can you imagine a world without words….
everything i do and think and perceive
is mediated thru a screen of words
look
we cant even discuss words
without using words
most people need words
but
i am a word addict
words are my forte
words are where i come into my own
the english language
oh i take liberties with it
i have no reverence for it
it is a block of marble waiting to be shaped
everytime i sing or speak or write
this language frustrates me
it is only a so so language
i need finer instruments to exactly plot my course
once i could speak sanskrit and latin
in greek i could hold forth in its splendid tongue
now i am hoi polloi
a common english speaking tom dick or harry
born over and over
to play all parts
still my soul retains memories
fractured vistas
impossible times
moods i slip into
these are not steven kilbey
my soul memories seem never to be erased completely bare
things linger on in the half light of intuition and instinct
oh inside me is some graceful man who is an expert on all arts
he tries to communicate but…
damn!
the words get in the way
dont think in words the man seems to say
but as its happening
my mind drowning in words
which word
this word
that word
my stupid clumsy mind
stuffed full of all the words it ate
gorging on 4 syllable latinate desserts
knocking it all back with thesaurus absinthe
you think i can ever make these words stop
the graceful man is saying stop
let go of these words
i can get through
but my mind is trying to make a list of its favourite words
1 silver
2 languid
3 mercury
4 pluperfect
5…….
no stop
the graceful man does not communicate in words
he insinuates
he projects thoughts as wordless pictures and feelings
he says
you are me but for all these words…
world without word
but the word was that first thing
everything was waiting for god to say become
god said become
and it all became
but words…..
in what strange and wondrous language does god talk
i wonder
is it fixed
or does it meander
like english picking up a little french here
a little danish there
a little bit of anglo bloody saxon
put it thru the middle ages
from generation to generation the language is bent
misused
even improved
still i say
i do not love english half as much
as some other language always on the tip of my tongues mind
some magnificent way of expressing the simplest things
imagine a world where everyone was a poet….
would that be too much?
would there be any audience left
imagine a world with no audiences
no readers
no fans
a world where everyone could sing and paint and dance and sculpt
or would it be wonderful/filled with wonders
the city filled with buildings all painted by parallel picassos
the sound of sweet music fills the air
but who trims the lawns
who delivers the goods and bads
who unblocks the pipes
or sees to the wires
where are the doctors
where are the mechanics
where are the midwives and the glaziers
no
some must do
some must observe
some must work
some must hammer and saw and connect and reimburse
or
could it be
that they would hammer in time
saw in rhythm
connect with a poetic flourish
reimburse with gracious flare…..
i cant leave words alone though
the combinations are obsessing me
the power they have
do you mean if i write a certain combination of words
especially words with a musical note attached
sung
then complete strangers will love me?
huh

all pics lately courtesy of nelg drofstaw

ok
theres ganesha still with the bad cars
i eventually finished and got better cars
these ones were shockers
yesterday went to reptile park for kids day out
saw alligators crocs snakes lizards and urinating bullfrogs
i saw a load of tasmanian devils
who people say will be extinct in 15 years
given this facial sarcoma disease which 80 percent now have…
the guy running the show out there
was very very very funny
he reminded me of me in some ways
his accent was neither aust or english
and he was dark too
if you were listening
he was saying to this snake
if youre a good girl i’ll get you some guinea pigs on the way home
yeah the guy in the pet shop thinks i love guinea pigs ha ha
not melbourne stockbroker guinea pigs tho
(here he was alluding to a sydney stockbroker
who was recently arrested for having sex with and
then destroying in a vicious frenzy
…..rabbits
fuck…and i thought i had a lotta pressure in my job…!)
and he was making gentle fun of the children:
ok parents
grab a suitable sized kid and hold them against the gaps in the fence
use them as human shields while you stand behind in safety
looking at the rattlesnake
or
childrens hearts are precious
thats why i have one on my desk…
anyway if yer thinking of taking the kids there
i thoroughly recommend it
but i enjoyed the guy so much more than the beasts
another snake gag
after this black headed python tried to bite him
he grabbed it and stuck it in his shirt
the stupid thing which had been bursting its pants (!?)
to bite him
now coiled around his belly under his shirt fast asleep
he stood there with this unsightly droopy bulge
“a vision of the future” he said
then he walked around like a fat ole redneck trying to adjust his gut
evie dropped one of her thongs (flip flops)in the snake compound accidently
i’ll take that home for my daughter he said
(i knew what was coming..he musta said it thousands of times)
shes only got one leg….damn….its the wrong foot

yeah well
i enjoyed him anyway
he fucking had me cracked up all day long
even when it was only me guffawing at his jokes
so much better than the snake man out at la perouse
with his schpiel and schtick
snakes are seriousthings boys and girls!
finally
in the bat compound
we saw a bat giving himself a good ball and bat licking
as he hung upside down
his quite human looking genitalia
hanging just inches from his handy mouth
why is he doing that? asked a lady
because he can madam i replied
and i was laughing again
wow what a fun reptile park
came home
got stuck into ganesha
i’ll be playing tonite at 28 spring st bondi junction
i will be featuring the amazing guitar work of frank kearns
also known as dublin frank
and you can meet and or buy ganesha in person
bring yer chequebook sunshine
there you go
i tell thee this
painkiller
oh how youve longed to hear it
ricki maymi currently on holiday in australia said
this is your best record ever!
hes been a fan since his mum played him a baby grande tape in utero
so he would know
i know youve suffered these long long months
waiting to have the pain of life being blotted out
by the sweet narcotic fix of this record
outbound : throbbing lift off
“white hippy moses like an aphid in the roses”
wolfe : a real song! over orchestrated and guitars howling
“crash his pad out in the snow”
celestial : ooh a cruisy one mellotron flutes
tims sample of a school boy choir
“ice man has melted
dice man felt it as a six”
crystalline rush : seen the picture now hear the song
“and i cant find a sign of life
but i can find my way”
song for the masking : monstrous slowdown drums from another song
the static and shortwave hisses like a scalded cat
my dual electric guitars conjure up fripp on dope
my best piece of singing ever ever ever
right at the end
i come back like a (self) righteous brother
in a deep troubled baritone
“and nobody ever
ah…but you want me to”
file under travel: graham lee goes nuts on his pedal steel
not the way you or i thought
in there with the ever pulsating bass
the glorious fucked up radiotronics
powlsey bashing all hell of his kit
this bastard song crash lands on itself halfway thru
and then mutates like a phoenix rising from the hashes
polinski had a ball on this
no lyrics
13 minutes of space rock
look homeward angel : a pretty song
about my wife
its all feverish and mixed up
thats how she makes me feel y’all
“now get up
now heat up
now rise up
rise up like a bird”
oenone : a slavish t rexy rocker
i didnt like this one so much
but with fresh ears its a little light relief
listen to tim go nuts at the end
what a drummer!
” oenone dont you cry for me
cos i come from lemuria with this banged up harm on knee”
spirit in flame : deep dubby track
wriggly bass line
“burn thru the (w)hole like a spirit in flame”
forever lasts for nothing: wolfes bookend in a way
bigger than ben hur but very short
“just like the honeymoon they wait for you to score
just like the animals they keep outside the door
just like a welcome mat you lay down on the floor
just like a law for the rich
and
a prison for the poor”
finally
not what you say: everything but the kitchen cinque
big mutating thing
changes and changes
and goes out in 30 odd minutes of sound
polinski going nuts here…
:i had potential baby
what do you want me to be?”
well there you go
its coming real real soon
how soon is that?
real soon
killer

*now with new improved drizzle

ganesha is looking good
nk, who has a soft spot for him, has approved
“but dont call him jumbo” she says

ive given him a nice silver paisleyish cloaky-thingy
i must say he’s looking kinda smart
i must say i think he’s happy with it
the only thing thats really bad now in my painting
is the cars…
trees…i can do trees
cars….ive never tried before and theyre hard to do
like my eyes see one thing
my mind sees another
my hands try to mediate between the 2
the result is some horrible little silly cars
driving up bondi road :
checklist of ganesha in bondi
golden bloody helmut glitt’ring with jewels check
warm pinky red skin that has form check
pearls check
border of eyes check
the houses n shops of bondi check
the veggy-tation check (but needs more work)
the sea check (waves?)
the sky check (clouds?)
the cars NO CHECK horrible and silly
those f@#$ing cars
suddenly i feel like i’m back in school
about 11 or 12 trying to draw cars
i never did
something about them i havent yet grokked
you gotta grok everything
not so much understand but grok
grok was a word invented for a book
but its invention necessitates its use
you gotta grok a bass guitar for egg-sample
you understand it
yes yes
you know it goes boom boom
you know its wood and strings and that
but you dont grok it yet
took me ages to grok it
it wasnt a sudden grok neither
it was a long torturous process
i am not great at grokking
many people grok faster than i
my only superiority in any thing
in that i always perceive the need to grok
and i know when i havent grokked
and i search for the key which will unlock the grokking
i havent found that key for cars
ha ha honey i cant find the car key
my mind just bamboozles my eye
it goes
hey eye
we know what a car looks like…right?
we’ll take over here
right hand this is the mind
we dont need those eyes wasting time
examining how cars look
so i’m taking over here
ok pick up your brush and paint
the hand : well…? what now…?
the mind : well ah…just…oh i dont know..have a go
the hand : how about this
the mind : oh god thats awful..
the hand : you didnt give any direction, mate
the mind : its a f#$@ing car for godsake
the eye : if i maybe so bold…?
the mind : no you may not….
the hand: hey eye , i need some guidance here..
the mind : i know a car when i see one
the heart : the truth is to grok the car switch off the mind
the mind : no no dont switch me off…aaargh!
the hand the eye the heart : good riddance…!
so yeah
not having managed to switch off ye olde minde
i have not yet grokked how to draw cars
instead of my expectation of what a car should be
mem says draw yer hands every morning
well last night i drew myself a hot bath
then i drew the curtains
then bedtime drew nigh
and i drew my sweet wife to me
and then after
i drew sleep down upon me
i drew andrew
andy did
so grok grok grok
ganesha with iffy cars and a cloudless sea and waveless sky
finally, the great australian masterpiece has arrived
done in love
all the ingredients in this painting were gifts
i want for nothing
although having not put the lids back on properly
some of my metallics are forever stuck in their little jars
rip silver and no more gold
stuff is everywhere
the turquoise has reappeared
and is all over the carpet along with a light pink pastel
its quite pretty really
and nothing that a brand new carpet wouldnt fix

i cant believe in one hour
i will jump in the pool which has gotta be no more than 14 today
there are very few winter swimmers down there
a few old russians
a few old aussie diggers who are there come sleet hail or lightnin’
a few regs like jo jo the swede
like dr mark who sells solar panels
or dr penelope
or gary the south african archi-tect
sometimes a few young scruffy musicians
trying to escape their hangover via low temperatures
well…it works
after immersing myself in freezing cold water
and swimming in it for twenty laps
i feel like ive taken some A class drug
without any of the nasty bits
(ie arrest, death, addiction)
no hang on…i am addicted to it
i am addicted to jumping in the pool
almost everyday
regardless of weather or mood
i cant bear to miss it
but its a big price to pay
the time
the shock
the discipline to stay in
the time in the sauna to warm up again
the commitment to keep going
if you can do that
you can reap these strange rewards
unexpected journeys
your mind goes off
as you push through that green glassy water
as you see the sandy patterns on the bottom of the pool
as the sea washes over the side a whole degree warmer
and all foamy like a bubble bath
and your body has gone this peculiar numb warm
and i feel my heart slow down
i feel my nerves relax
i feel my worries fly away somewhere warm
i feel the coughs and colds piss off outta my system
its an arcane and esoteric thing
this cold clear water
and when it rains
and you swim alone in this big pool
and theres only you
and thoughts cease to be thoughts
they become a pure vision of form or sound
wordless realms
i ceases to operate
i am the cold water
my breathing is deep and regular
i swim almost effortlessly
some olde bones and sinews complain a bit
but nothing you cant ignore
the water is creamy cold
you love to be frozen
because in it is….warmth
in the opposite you found the familiar
in the pool
you solve all your art problems
and you realise nothing much really matters
its so easy to pass from one state of consciousness to another
moods come and go
the cold water is patient
but then i grokked it
it took a long time
but i knew it must be possible to grok it
i saw others swimming in the cold water
and i knew there was something in it
so i persevered
and now….

one thing that sure is different about painting n music
is technology
i mean
when you paint youre still using the olde way
theres no new technology
to aid
or master
youre still basically up against the board
with a brush or fingers and paint or pastel or ink
ok theres been a few new things
airbrushing i guess
and that sort of thing
they do on computers like mrkillabee (not me)
(check out that guy …!)
but
most are still doing it a la van gogh or leonardo
contrast this to music
where the developments are constantly making yer head spin
every 5 or 10 years a revolution in music technology
its affecting the music too…they are verily now intertwined
stuff you can do now ( at home)
would have made bob clearmountains jaw drop in 81 in 301
the ease speed and accuracy with which music can be manipulated
of course everybody uses the same programs
then everybody gets similar results
you can hear that now
that “pro-toolsed” sound
that slightly harsh and digital schmear
that first sleepy jackson record got it in spades
so nowadays being a musician you gotta cope with this
you got battles on yer hands right from the word glo
how good are ya on pro-tools sonny jim?
cos if someone in the band gets the upper hand
he’ll be imprinting more of his genius than yours
on yer next mp3
because musics become a semi-visual process (oh dark day!)
and the guy at the screen is king
whereas with painting…
its still just you
only you
no programs gonna slap that oil on for ya baby
painting same as it ever was
music in constant flux
now i am a renaissance man
i can write poetry
i can can compose and play music
i can draw and paint
i can act (a bit)
i tell you all these disciplines inform the other
many shared principles
allow your mind to wander
allow your voice or fingers to move with some fluid grace
allow art into everything you do
i tell you i think about art and music every second of every day
i think of words i think of stories i think of songs
i see shape and form everywhere
i hear melody and harmony in natures divine sounds
i notice poetry in the speech of everyman
i notice when people are acting
i am reconnected to the vegetal kingdom
and flowers blow my fucking mind
blumenkraft fur ewigt
i take it all in
a giant filter examing everything as for its usefulness in art
i am in love with art and music
these things happen so easily for me now
and all i can say to those who wonder why
is
let go
let go
why dont you let go?
let go off your stiffness your rigidity
get some wonder into your mind
you are john lennon or renoir or dylan thomas
its all there for you except youre YOU
and they werent
but its all there
every coloursoundpoem
i’m gonna keep on trying
i’ve got to see where i can take this
its for its own sake now
not for money
(voice of reality: ignore that last remark)
there is a definite pattern unfolding right before my eyes
do i have enough years left
to keep this up
everything i do will be full of love
all of this
but with hard won patience
with strict discipline when necessary
a commitment to no straight lines or bum notes
keep exploring
everybody knows what i can do
why keep doing that?
do something and move on
let it go
oh how i long to let utmw go
so olde now
dont wanna ever talk about it
or sing it
or hear it or about it ever
just keep the silent royalties dribbling in
put it in the movies
yes please
sample it chop it up
cover it
do a disco or emo version
let the veronicas and bobby flynn and matchbox 20 sing it
i dont care
i was done with it years ago i wanna move on
imagine keep getting dragged back to one little point on yer arc
hey numbskulls i gotta move on now
let me go
(voice of reality: i want whatever he’s been smokin’)
no one can squeeze anything else out of that fucking thing
hey i’m painting ganesha in bondi on a huge piece of paper
ah they dont care
utmw makes money and thats all that matters
matter matters
at least utmw aint too bad if you gotta be saddled
it could be and frequently is worse
i dont mind it
but like
yeah uh huh
art/music ramble
yeah

killer awakes before dawn
he chooses a face from the ancient gallery
(freckled tanned getting old)
and he walks on down the hall
he comes to the room of his doodles
doodles?
yes daddy
i want to….
i want to get you to school on time
(so i dont have to go in and fill in the form)
oh sad day
the doodles and i cant get it together
to achieve liftoff momentum
and leave the houses orbit
always something
i cant find my keys
scarlets screaming demanding another kiss goodbye from eve
aurora cant find her bloody flute
i dunno whatever
eventually we walk off towards school
its about 5 minutes away
i start razzing the doodles
hey doodles yer teachers gonna be waiting for ya with the cane
no dad says one doodle
stop that says the other doodle
yep (i say) shes gonna be furious with you
no she wont dad says one doodle
she wont says the other
like a volcano her anger will be pouring out like smoke
i’m raving on now enjoying the sound of my own voice
and she’ll be waving a fiery cane thats going wwwwhhhhooooo
as she swings it round
dad they dont cane kids anymore says one doodle
they’d get fired if they did says the other
bloody hell doodles!
i know that …i’m just givin’ ya a story as we walk to skooly
we dont want that sort of thing says eve
we want something……nice says aurora
something nice they both chime together
ok i say
i’m up for the challenge of something nice
i cast around
i think of george bush fucking up the economy
i think of mal turnbull at an art gallery
i think of the oil goin’ down
and the climate going up
and the ye olde inflation swallowing my royalty cheque
i think of all my mistakes and blunders
but nice…..?!
so i say
well doodles you know….i’m quite a nice guy
i’m walking along holding hands with em
theres a profound silence after my last remark
arent i…doodles….?
the doodles dont reply
but i feel a slight tremor in each hand i’m holding
i hear a sound like suppressed……laughter
suddenly the doodles both break out in their characteristic laffs
eve a rapid fire guffaw huh huh huh huh huh
aurora like an old lady oh ha ha ha ha
whats this? i say
slightly wounded
you dont think i’m a nice guy?
aurora comes up with one of her typical sayings
ah dad ah well ah ya know
its only coz youre nice
that we can laugh when you say youre nice
yeah! says eve but not really following the logic
ok i say scratching my head
i s’pose thats alright then….is it?
suddenly school hoves into sight
are we late?
arent we late?
yes no
yes no
the doodles make a charge for it
we can still do it they say
eve runs off without a kiss
eve wheres my kiss
she turns in mid flight
but her eyes are glazed over
shes like a school zombie now
she kisses me goodbye
but no ones at home
shes already in the playground
aurora gives me a kiss
bye dad
youll forget me the moment you walk thru that gate i say
no dad i wont..she reassures me
yes you will i say
well tonite i’ll tell ya how long it took, ok dad?
ok i say…damn shes fobbed me off again
go to the pool
its very cold in the water
a real shock
someone said they felt under attack in there
it is an instant attitude adjustment
it is a defining moment of the day
its freezing
it knocks the air outta yer lungs
at this point most punters get back out
but us winter swimmers
we stay in
eventually you get a lovely warm numb feeling
as you swim through the icy water
your mind slows down
you can get some planning done
think things thru
the sauna is hot
no “outers” today
just an old russian guy enjoying the heat
i come home
work on jumbo
play with scarlet
who is both nasty and nice
i go out n do yoga
and shes crawling into the crooks of my arms n legs
and sliding over and under me
she’s being the yoga terrorist
we end up sitting there in the winter sun
me cross legged
her on my lap
having a good old natter
she sees the moon in the sky…but its day
its the moon-sun she says
later on the mynah birds start flying in the house
one gets trapped and squirted with some water for its trouble
it goes back out the door like a bat out of hell
aha…i’m armed with waterpistols and i’m a good shot
theres a mynah sitting on my balc
chewing on one of my potted shrubs
i blast the bastard right thru the screen
he didnt even know i was there
now he looks like donald duck
getting a squirt right in the eye
he flies off expressing his shock and awe
clicking and whistling
wow i’m armed and ready
my action however
only escalated the war
the mynahs were trying to get back in all day
despite taking several hits
and dropping some very nasty dollops in my house
scarlet a victim of friendly fire
and no truce negotiated

i keep getting “outed’ in the sauna at the pool
ie i’m sitting there
having done
or about to do my laps
when….
and theres 2 main offenders
one is penelope a lady doctor who should know better
and the other is gary a south african architect
they see me in the sauna
and they have to tell all the others in there
“who” i am
now penelope had twice caught a cab with nelg last week
who i believe is pumping up painkiller in his cab
and she came bounding into the sauna the other day
theres me in lotus position
or quietly engaged in a chat with someone
when
steve steve
i caught a cab your friend drives the really slim guy
and he played me 3 or 4 tracks off your new album
and OH BOY EVERYBODY
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?????
YOU DONT???
THIS GUY IS A GREAT MUSO!!!
I HEARD HIS NEW ALBUM I”M BUYING A COPY FOR MY BROTHER IN LAW
WHO SHOULD I BUY IT FROM STEVE?? YOU OR A RECORD SHOP
COZ I DONT WANT ANYONE GETTING YOUR MONEY!
I”D RATHER GIVE IT ALL TO YOU!
HEY EVERYBODY THIS IS STEVE KILBEY!
FROM THE CHURCH!
STEVE… SING A BIT OF UNDER THE MILKY WAY !! GO ON!!
HEY YOU ALL MUST KNOW UNDER THE MILKY WAY
OH ITS A BEAUT SONG I JUST LOVE IT!
OH STEVES GETTING MAD AT ME NOW
BUT YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW HE”S A FABULOUS MUSO …..
etc etc
the other one
he comes in
he cant believe he knows someone in showbiz
even if its only me
it tickles him pink to think
hes sitting there with me and i’m a singer
although hes a filthy rich architect and some big shot
he cant help mentioning it
especially if theres a loada “strangers” in there
especially if theres any females
who he always calls lasses
gary:”a lass”
girl :”alas”
he raves on and on
in his south african way
he raved at this woman till she got up n went out
why did you do that? i ask
cos singing turns women on he says
cant you talk about architecture? i ask
nah doesnt turn em on he says
arent you married? i ask
gary nods quickly …yeah
what about your wife then?
what about her?
does architecture turn her on? i ask
he laughs bitterly
it doesnt even fucking turn me on he admits
what? i say mock incredulously
it doesnt turn you on?
nah gary says
ive built some beautiful buildings but….he drifts away
i imagine garys having visions of himself standing there
in some packed theatre, hefting his white fender strat
(the sexiest guitar ever by dint of jimi n marc)
fuck architecture lets rock he screams
in my imagination of his imagination
i see him as i always see him
dressed in his budgie smuggler swimmers
bit of a pot belly and round shoulders and quite hairy
playing his strat and doing the swim
his backing band is called the veldt
no more songs about buildings or food gary sings
no more draftsmens contracts neither
anyway
he always has to out me in his goodnatured way
later in the change rooms he says
i wish i had job i really loved
i wish i had your fucking money.. i say
for a moment we lock eyes
izzi thinkin’ what i’m thinkin’
i can see it now
boys this is gary, the new lead singer for a while
meanwhile buildings in sydney are newly collapsing
as olde sk tries his hand as another gaudi
(a flamboyant spanish archi)
sitting at some meeting in my 2k suit
they wont realise (for a while) that i’m an idiot
if someone mentions words like angle or foundation to me
i automatically go into a ten minute daze thinking about ambiguity
but just to pretend to live that life….to see if i could get away with it
anyway i’d do more columns and gargoyles and fountains
i’d be good at that stuff
money doesnt buy you happiness.. gary cautions
as he zips off in his sleek black beemer
and i plod off home
oh i am so sick of my own envy
the good lord says when you ever envy another man
it is the beginning of all trouble
and i believe it to be true
i really seem to never learn my lesson

tonite i’ll be rehearsing zoo story with seb
on sunday arvo i’m doing a cuppla songs at the gallerys opening
(mal turnbulli is opening it!?)
which is where we’re doing the play eventually
28 spring st bondi junction
i’m also painting like mad to get a pic finished for the opening
its a big picture of ganesha in bondi and its a jumbo sized job
i’m also appearing at a gig in glebe on 7 oct
which will be a comedic poetry type thing (!?)
thats enuff for now
painkiller available real soon
bye y’all
sk

have been feeling wildly despondent i must confess
despite the most extraordinary subscriptions from lovely reeders
still need to get through august somehow
in september sometime some money will come
its not only all about money however
tho’ uncertainty w/ no dollars is a hard dish to swallow
ive been broke on my own. manytimes..i didnt mind
but broke + fambley is a bad combo
i am seeing how the other half lives i guess
tho i always try to bear in mind
that compared to 95% of ye olde worlde
the kilbee fambley is livin’ it large..
…clean drinking water and a roof etc
yeah september’ll save our neck again i guess
august and everything after…. i keep saying
funny i dislike that band but i like that title
scarlet kilbey is a full on fruity fruit cake
you have to see this one in action to believe it
trip-layer
guilt-inducer
whingey whiney wally
a real childstar with her beethoven hair
her hair is an aura of golden ringletted tangled curls
look im a grim olde geezer
i aint that interested in little girlies hairdos
but scarlet kilbey with her hair done up like a grreek goddess
and a clean face
she has the authority of some great opera singer
sometimes i put something schmaltzy on the ibox
up she jumps into my arms crooning in my ear her la la la
always perfectly in pitch
sing a line to a song to scarlet
there she goes……
and she picks up exactly in the same key
there she goes again
evie has a lovely husky voice too
she may be singing a emc track one day soon
but scarlet the woofle is la bombastica
god her pale blue eyes are like terry stamps
she stares right into yer soul sometimes
she is argumentative
she cant abide anybody hugging
because she owns everybody
and thus
her evie cant hug her daddy
and her mummy cant hug her aurora etc etc
things have to be just right or….
no thats it! she cant tolerate any mockery or hesitation
take her seriously or she may never work with you again
ooh she’d be a good standover man too
she gets up real close and she menaces
she bullies her mother all over the place
shes vocal and physical
she hurls things about
bloody hell
who was she in her last life i wonder…
the queen of bloody sheba?
tibor my $1000 $falcon wagon needed his brakes done
we were thru to the discs i know it
i had to make the rotten decision of getting em fixed now!
instead of waiting till sept
so i go up to my usual place
which is a big franchised group of mechanical repair boys
they good guys
they always fix it properly
but they just always hit you with too high a bill
in my head i said i cant pay anymore than five hunji
yet when i walked in
the guy had me figured for a seven hunji kinda guy
im sure if a druid walks in a suit n a beemer
the guy would figure him for a nine hunji kinda guy
and i’m sure if some real olde geezer hobbled in
this guy would probably hit him the real price
anyway
the conversation was something like this
i want me brakes done
aha!
how much?
well ah..
last time it was about 400
it was? looks it up on computer.(disappointed)…oh yeah
well uh….
probably gonna have ta do yer wheel bearings too
oh?
yeah you know when they get that brown powdery stuff on em?
oh…oh no…yes i know what you mean..(i hopelessly lie)
like theyre about a hundred bux a piece if you need em…
groan…oh yeah…i’m sure..but…
look i’ll have a look…if you need em i’ll do em, ok?
yeah ok…great…only if i need em
of course!
(i’m thinking of saying that olde thing
you know, show me the old parts when youre done
but i wouldnt know my own olde ball fucking bearings
from any olde bit of iron this geezer would show me)
have ya got ABS asks another overalled bloke there
whats ABS? i venture
the geezer on the computer catches his eye n then mine
we all know i’m gonna be paying $700 now
sho-enuff
he rings up in the afternoon
mistah kilbee? its jim from lube king
your car is ready sir
how much?
he reels off a lot of half muttered things i can hardly hear
systemizing the…
complete overhaul of the..forward….socket…cable
bracket…replaced …. gasket….rocker…..oil leek
flushed the …….ashtray…repositioned….repaired..
rust…bucket….dunder mifflin muffler…suspension
inspection….torque..brand new…special bing bangs
servicing the…..whisper…
and then a long sucking sigh as he works it all out
and gives me a generous regulars rebate…say….
seven hundred and ten dollars sir
aha
we all knew i’d be a seven hunji kinda guy
he just chucked the extra ten on so as not to seem impolite
or too presumptuous…
when i get there a nother bloke is manning the cash reg
i ruefully count out my exactly 710 bucks
geezer behind the reg says its 736 mate with blah blah n blah blah
they told me 710 on the phone i hear my smallest voice say
not expecting much
really? he says
he just jumps on the old computer
and changes the price of the bing bongs
from 76 bucks to 50 bucks
ha ha he laughs there you go
he prints out a new one
my invoice now reads 710 instead of 736
gee
and a cynical voice inside me says
yes thats how easy it all is
and no mention of wheel bearings anywhere neither
fuck they just make it all up…!
like anything i guess
like donald trump is charging 27 k to have dinner with him
how did he arrive at that figure?
can you imagine..
charging thousands of bucks to eat din dins with you
why not get em to pay for anything else
eg
a short walk in the park with trump: 55 k
talk to him while youre both having a whizz : 78.5 k
motioning to him while he drives off : 6 k per motion
having him sneer at you across a crowded conference room : 3 k
having him sneeze on you in an elevator : 300 bucks per droplet
watching him eat dinner through the glass while its snowing : 5 k
being evicted by him personally out of yer apt.: 54 k
being thoroughly fired and sexually harassed :43 k
being completely ignored : 24 k
figuring out his hairdo (see: money doesnt get you everything!) 5 k
ha ha ha
i should sell myself out
available for having dinner
starting at .01 k and you buy dinner
ha…ha
i must be dreamin’

lovekiller

sometimes i’m uncertain that i’m truly invisible
i see my shadow on the wall
2 candles flicker and i move like a fly trapped in haze
in the middle of the night gone on all fours
the shadow looms and threatens
my fingers are numb
the stars seem far away
the floorboards are lewdly bare
a picture of some hindu god has fallen down
i cut myself and stare at my crimson blood
i cry and my tears mingle with my blood forming some circuit
i’m back in bed… i’m dreaming
no i’m not…my hand is bleeding
i stare at my crimson blood
i crawl into a room ive never seen before
it all makes perfect sense
i dont expect you to believe me
a self portrait on the wall smirking
the pastel has all smudged like its been in the rain
the rain beats down outside but i cant see or hear it
i love everyone in the world although i cant feel it
i can do anything yet i remain powerless
in the longnight
in the night of fear
in the wee small hours im feeling small
i’m feeling all finished with
i blame myself for everything
what does it all mean i wonder?
in the night without a compass
i cant tell right from wrong
was i a goodman
was i a badman
why did i do this
why did i go against my heart
why didnt i start this earlier
and stop this sooner
why you why
why me why
who are you
who me
yes you
i am you
yes
you are me
yes yes
and thats it
ok fair enough but who do i blame
you blame me
thats me
yes it is
but thats not right….
hang on a minute
im lost
muse :thank the subscribers again
me: another confusing thing….
other me : i am outbound
another me: you’ll never find another me
esteban noche : more magic realism
dr johannes cuspinian : the big red book of spells
illuminati : we dont exist
axegrinder: he dont pay taxes
taxman : no he does pay taxes…just not this years….yet
newspaper :TOPLESS VERONICAS NAUGHTY LOOK
(see page 56 for armenian rail disaster)
donald trump : i wouldnt be caught dead in a cheap-ass blog like this
see i’m channeling everybody
i’m the english channeler
i’m the bass non “straight”
i’m broke but not broken
i’m a molecule of dna in the universes cortex
i’m like a snort of amnesia up all of yer noses
i’m obsessed with my stupid bloody self
and somehow a rat has gotten into my garage
i have no real friends they are all merely accomplices
i am a genius on my own website and i lean on my delete gun
i say this
i do that
what a joke
i have to eat my words
theyre not that nourishing
everyday i spread myself too thin
i whore myself out in participial phrases
i bang my drum down the end of cyberia street
fresh words
fresh words
read all abaht it!
a torrent stream of fresh words
pity i dont get paid a dollar a word
or i would sit here right now and reel off
a cool 5 million
thats right
i’d use words like
embellish
obfuscate
tetra
you see
i never will run out
my words will last longer than the oil
my words will stain the eastern sky like smoke
my hand is still bleeding
my arm feels heavy
quart after quart of precious blood
all moving round and round
my tears and my blood form a circuit
my sweat pumps from my poor pores
in the mirror my hawklike reflection
magic more magic
someone has put a bad bad bad spell on me
lift this curse my reflection would have said
if it could do anything other than shudder
the hindu gods picture has fallen off the wall
i look at my crimson tears
my sweat and my seed form a circuit
the glass moves through the bloodstream
the crimson glass
i sweat
the blood and glass form a circuit
the phone rings
who can it be at this timeofnight
a distant voice speaks
some other language
about the armenian dome collapsing
about the way they pulled hypatia apart
about the peasants who were mascara’d
about gay olde king richard and the blurred crusade
about lyonesse dreaming under the waves
lemuria gone beneath a jungle
bermuda triangle shorts
the instruments have gone haywire
i am kilbey in spades
the time being
these are my occult diaries