The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

a lot of people are curious about the stuff
theres a lotta books n movies bout the stuff
that give a lotta normal people vicarious thrills
looking in on the naughty world of the stuff
but people never understand the stuff
till theyre in so deep
the stuff aint glamourous or romantic
the stuff aint poetic or literary neither
and it aint jazzy or cool
in fact the stuff is the most embarrassing horrible thing
well ok the honeymoon period
the 1 st time i sniffed the stuff
i loved it
it wasnt what i imagined
it was subtle
i felt detached
my problems felt a long way off
i was wrapped in a delicious sleepy feeling
kinda like after a long day in the country
and then some toasted sandwiches n a warm bath
and you feel real sleepy n dreamy
in fact you felt like a child
and all junkydom pushes you towards acting like a child
selfish stupid child
anyway i didnt get itchy
i didnt vomit
i just felt subtly floaty
nothing spectacular like acid or ecstasy
i just felt…
well…
that it was ok to be me
you see i never really liked myself much
i was vain about myself and egotistical
but i didnt like myself
i was so scared to be alone
to be alone with myself was frightening
but with le stuff du mal
i was happy to sit for hours n hours
pleasantly detached
just thinking these dreamy thoughts
sometimes id drop off to sleep for a few minutes
or a few hours
i could never tell how long
oh and the dreams
you know how in narnia
you spend twenty years there
but when you come back here
its like no time has passed?
well the stuffs like that
inside a beautiful dream
a hundred years may be passing
while the junky sits on yer couch n nods
hes off in a temporary paradise
a soft warm world where no one hurts ya
now listen to this
i never was abused or disadvantaged as a kid
i never was in trouble with the law
my mum n dad were together
in fact i never knew any real pain at all
other than schoolground ridicule
and the slings n arrows of love
so i got into the gear for its anaethetizing property
but there was no great tragedy in my life
i was trying to blot out
i just liked the way it felt
most of the others i ever met
most of em
especially in sweden n at n.a. meetings
they were kids whod been raped beaten ignored
prostituted drunk parents kicked n spat on
they took the gear cos it made them forget
their HORRIFIC childhoods and hence their HORRIFIC lives
and the stuff they had to do to get the gear
i mean fiendss
its 300 bucks a gram in australia
so imagine trying to come up with 2 – 3 hundred bucks
every day!
you can even spend more than that
a lot more
and i did in brief bursts
i was never rich rich
but i had a little
and i blew it all all all
for you see
after about 3 or 4 weeks
of on off on off use
i didnt have any of those fabled withdrawal symptoms
ha ha
was it all a myth like the pot propaganda
well id smoked pot for years n never got hooked on it
ha ha ha
and you know coke
i could take it or leave it
but id rather take it than leave it
but if it wasnt about
i wasnt pawning my grandmother to get it
killer in pawn shop:
how much for the granny?
pawnshop owner appraising her:
mate i’ll give ya 200 hundred, no more
killer:
cmon ive had her in here before for 3 hundred
pawnshop owner:
mate, i already got 3 grannies in the window
killer looks over n 3 old ladies wave back
killer:
ok i’ll take the 2 hundred…
you dont think heroin addiction is funny…?
jesus, its hilarious
the whining whinging junkies and their silly carrying on
its a total comedy
anyway i decided that the stuff wasnt that bad
cos i wasnt getting addicted
you know every so often
i would stop snorting stuff all day long
no
on those “off” days
i’d smoke or eat opium
just for a bit of moderation
just to give myself a rest
and then one day i was walking along
and suddenly i was drenched in cold sweat
i knew this must be something to do with the stuff
i mean from outta nowhere
i was wet from head to foot
awash in a freezing cold sweat
hmmm i thought in some fog
i’ll stop with the stuff n see what happens
this is what happened
the next day after very troubled dreams
i woke up early
the world seemed hyper real and hyper ugly
everything threatened me
or filled me with a vague fear or dismay
i felt so sad n hopeless
the world seemed black
this must be the world of the depressed person
oh pray you never have to visit here
everything hurts you
the sweetest melody
the touch of sunlight
the caress of water
the smell of clean food
everything is gross n disgusting
and my legs ached
and my arms ached
an awful awful awful ache
and my stomach was nauseated in every way
and i couldnt sleep at all anymore
sleep eluded me
and i was left up n alone
thru wee small hours that went on for ever
and all the time i knew that
one little sniff and itd all go away
and sure enough thats what i did
and it did
and then i was hooked
and it went on hooking me in deeper n deeper
and every habit was worse than the last one
yeah i tried to stop
and occaisionally succeeeded in stopping
from time to time
but always enticed back
never could resist a bit more
then i started shooting the stuff
and it all redoubled
the ante was upped
the high was twice as nice
the withdrawal twice as bad
and now we’re talking horror
getting off the gear aint sitting up in bed
with a thermometer in yer mouth reading a magazine
people said its like the flu
jesus i never had a flu that so totally filled me with horror
a flu that put the most vivid nightmarish thoughts in my head
a flu that made me writhe n groan n viciously attack
a flu that makes you rail n roil n squirm n kick
and spew and vomit n cough n sweat n all the rest
too disgusting to go into here
but believe me
its unbearable
and ya just wanna sleep
but uh uh sleep is the last thing on the menu
and after a cuppla days of this
there are very few people who dont say
fuck this!
im getting some dope
and you hobble n limp round to the dealers place
and they laugh as they let ya in
like how naive you were thinking you were
gonna get off again
and ya stand there in their bathroom
looking for a vein
and you catch sight of the wreck in the mirror
and yer filled with pain n ache n nausea
from top to bottom
even my hair hurt n i aint jokin
and then ya get it in
and as the first drop hits yer system
everything is fine
the nausea
the cramps
the depression
the yawning crying freezing shaking idiot
is gone
and there you are
back to normal
standing there
in soaking sweat wet clothes
just having paid a hundred bucks
to feel normal
not great
just back to normal
wow thats a good deal
and so on
and so on
years slip pass
nothing else matters
but avoiding that comedown
you get about 7 or 8 hours
then it starts
you need at a minimum
3 or 4 shots a day
to keep the horrors away
you need a minimum of a hundred bucks a day
you can get by on less but you wont be smiling much
if you get a load of cash somewhere
the stuff can easily increase your tolerance
so you shooting more n feeling it less
i tell ya folks the devil invented this stuff
its tricky malevolent
and its always 3 steps ahead of ya in yer mind
itll make a lying thieving ratbag outta anybody
youll do almost anything to get it
and any reason or honour you thought you possessed
will go up in smoke
youll become a nuisance and a liability
if you ever do get off and out of its grasp
itll be a miracle
its a hard hard slog
ten or so years of trouble n strife
dont do it
dont do it
dont do it

i was thinking
yeah well we all were
but anyway
i was thinking
trying to dive into the dark depths of my mind
some leviathans down there
huge dark things
strange things moving in those depths
how to reach them
to see them
to see all the inaccessible knowledge
whats going on in those rooms i cant get into
whose in there
does my muse live in these rooms
or does she leave me at night and travel to a star
do i remember everything
and are some of these memories
in some storage place in deep mind
all the stuff ya dont really need to remember
but its still there somewhere
i admit to ya my dark shadow
always just outta sight
but threatening
and inducing anxiety
out of thin air
boy when i was getting off the gear
that dark shadow become an omnipresent blackness
now im a moody kinda idiot i guess
and i have a good working knowledge of sadness, melancholia
sweet disappointment even misery and despair
but getting off the gear makes these emotions seem
like elation
i aint talking the physical stuff
im just talking about this total smothering depression
a negative emptiness
until your endorphins start slowly to ooze out
again into yer system
but until then
you aint got the chemistry for feeling good
which is another reason my miraculous and only total contact
with you know Who
is doubly authentic
actually its authenticity is not in doubt
experiences with god
are hyperauthentic
they make this day to day
seem like a faded watercolour of real life
a facsimile transmission of actual life
so chemicaless i was
no serotonin
no endorphs
no fucking nothing
when i would try to walk
my sinews would cry out
my joints would grind merciless on each other
my bones ached from the marrow out
it took me 3 minutes to hobble up stairs
that i would bound up now
but due to regular ingestion of opiates
which were analogs
of these self made drugs
my body had stopped production
and theres a bit of a gap before production starts up again
in my case about 6 weeks before its any more than a trickle
after six weeks of insomnia i reclaimed sleep
one minute at a time
i longed for sleep so much i longed for death
for a chance to get out out of my nausea wracked
bile vomiting
sweating
freezing
boiling
energyless
tired
anxious
depressed
hopeless
an agony a human can only just bear
except for that night i couldnt bear it
and i know i told you about this
but
my prayer was
as i lay down in the surrendering posture
of the child
my prayer was
lord god
they say that you never dish out
more than someone can take
and i cant take this
ive completely fucked up
i cannot manage my life
nor do i feel i can continue on
for one more second in this condition
i implore you now to help me
now i wasnt expecting any real results
actually i was beyond expectations
my rational mind was defeated by the remorseless attack
that junk withdrawals hit me with on all fronts
with no sleep there was no escape from the pain
my fiendss a broken arm in 3 places
and a resetting
are but a pinch
compared to the desolate wasteland of agony
that is withdrawal
thats why all them prostitoots are still out there selling themselves
thats why all them thieves are creeping in n stealing yer dvd player
thats why guys are hocking their guitars n microphones
and then studios n houses
and their families
and then their freedom
because that wasteland of pain takes about six weeks of torture
and after that a hard tedious tiring struggle for a year or so
but lets see
im lying there in exodus in la
on the floor of my tiny room
my room mate is the tall blonde dutch guy
the bass player martine le noble
a truly lovely man trying to stay off the stuff
any way i say to him
its the middle of the night
we both awake
mind if i do some yoga
he says not at all its ok
so i struggle out of bed
to say you have no energy doesnt do justice to this feeling
drained of every bit of power
you are an empty hulk struggling just to move
of course i couldnt do any yoga pose but
the pose of the child
kinda like moslems praying
a position of surrender and suppliance
and i surrendered
sweet surrender baybee
i have never ever surrendered like this
before or since
just rolled over
given in
handed the wheel over
said look
im totally ruined
declared my self bankrupt
now i need you
and i guess
i approached it like a child
calling my parents
sadly bewilderedly beseechingly
i aint going
hey vishnu hey god
if youre there you better appear
lets see what you can do for me now
no no no
and of course
this wasnt happening in these verbal terms i use here
anyway whatever it was
the deep sincerity of my spiritual howl of excruciation
my real human need for help
my submission like a child
something rolled back in my head
and the omnipresent
almost liquid thing that permeates everywhere
it is allowed and welcome to go
but my head had been made that way
and then as a child
it had been sealed up godproof
it was godtight
and god could not flow in
but something i did that night
something that the circumstances were right for
my desperation
my total surrender
this removed the barrier
and god flowed
god filled each junk sick screaming cell
with a shot of healing you couldnt describe
my body felt supple youthful painless
it all disappeared just like it does when ya shoot heroin
but only this time id been off the stuff 3 weeks or so
i hadnt even eaten any thing
i had trouble keeping down a glass of water
i hobbled about in a pair of pyjamas
i didnt even remember who my friends were
when they rang all the way from australia
to see how i was
i was a shadow of my former self
a shadow of a shadow
so i gave in
there was not even a fraction of some ego saying
hey i know what im doing
no
that guy had jumped ship
i mean he started coming back the moment god arrived
and as he filled up the chamber
he squeezed god back out
or god became so bored with his prattle n tripe
that god just upped n left
but i tell ya
when god flowed into me
especially as low as i was
it was real
it was delicious
it was white light
it was warm and opiated
it was an enveloping comfort
it was not elation or euphoria
just a lovely calm feeeling of well being
of satisfaction
of content
there was no doubt that only god could have done this
how else was i suddenly healed
i stood up refreshed
i lay down on my bed
and i drifted off for about half an hour of sleep
and a lucid dream of krsna and i
walking talking
my friends it was BLISS!
but my compartment is sealed over now
i mean i still believe in god
but i havent succeeded in getting it to flow
its a subtle arcane n ancient art
a bit like astral travel
or mind reading
or levitation
we all have the ability
some more than others
but the art itself is hard to master
easy to become dejected
takes devotion n dedication
it may take years n years n years
yoga helps
you wonder why i am rejuvenated
why i can really sing now instead of pretend
yoga
and yoga is yoking to god
and qi gong is learning to suck that energy outta the thin air
and meditation is stilling your mind
so it can hear something else whispering
so you could say i dont believe in god
i actually had an experience so now i know
god flowed baby god flowed
soothing forgiving embracing
this god who filled me could never be angry
and i knew i wasnt getting the full thing
i mean he wasnt giving me the total fill
he was just healing me a little
coming to my side during a dark night when i was troubled
i didnt getting illumination beyond belief
i didnt know the answers
except the ubiquitous “everythings ok”
and baby thats enough
that everythings ok
dont panic
dont get nasty
dont get impatient
everythings alright
and youre ready for god
when you really need god
god ll be there
or i’ ll gladly refund yer subscription

yeah
i played lassa nite at basement
here in syddley
it was ok
i dunno
i musta dmit
that im looking forward to electric again
im a bit acousticked out
glad that europe will be fully electric
we had that lovely singer
inga liljestrom sing with us lassanite
seek out her elk records
or listen to her on hi fi mike
shes got a unique voice
a really warped and warping voice
powerful lyrics
what are you waiting for?
did i see that peter pogcaste has shed a bit of avoirdupois
or is it my dimming eyes?
good work peter!
yeah rocknrolls a funny kettle of beasts
sometimes i think to myself
nevets what are you doing
poncing about
treading the boards
at your age
plucking the bass
and intoning your syllables
a string of syllables attached to vague notes
oscillating at different frequencies
homophonic transmission straight to thy heart
the nature of songs
the way the words n music fill in for each other
how much do ya wanna know about this song
this song of songs
sing songs
work songs
love love love song
and bless your heart
your heart of steel
songs to make it rain
songs like mass in b minor
songs like islands of the dead
songs like vapour trail
songs like kanga roo
songs like scarborough fair
songs have made me what i am
imagine a world silent without song
song you are luxury and necessity
beautiful songs
oh music
heavenly orkestras
angels jammin’
a thousand patti hoods stroking their harps
down below
the devil is grooving with his bass guitar
boom boom bam bam
big fat roundwound strings zing n boom
against the mahogany fretboard
ooh satan see him slur his e into an f and back again
oh watch him slide down n hammer on
be bop blip blap chooga chooga splamm!
and the angels they can hear that deep riff
rumbling deep in the abyss
a hot new underground nightclub
for sinners
and
saints
yeah music everywhere
the rustling leaves
the stormy sea pounds the shore
like a lover hurling itself again n again
cymbal crashes n surges
foamy rush of love
one huge song
a song about the vastness of a drop of water
a song about the minute ocean
about the blackness of space
and the still movement of the stars
yeah
well thats enough
i reckon

kilbey kilbey kilbey
my head is full of myself
get thee behind me
summoned here
why
only a moment ago
i was dreaming i was a man
aeons and atoms
connexion by impulse
i just had to think
and my fingers moved
i was upon a world
such a world existed in gods dream
and he dreamed of a green sea
filled with silver fish
and he dreamed of forests
inhabited by giants
and grey gnomes
and he dreamed
of a great rainbow bridge
and a thunderstorm that raged for years
that snatched birds and flying machines from the air
and dashed them against the mountains
and the people there
called kilbey from his sleep
from his deep sleep
called into their world
a world without proof
no, erase that!
it was the best of all possible worlds
i was happy there
a leap of faith is required
kilbey still asleep somewhere
god dreams of rivers
of stones bubbling in clear water
of kingfishers and weeping willows
horses in the shade
fox cubs in their lair
far seeing owls and tiny brown mice
twitchy rabbits and nervous deer
and jaguars and ocelots and
great diamond backed serpents drinking from pools
mountains full of snow
goji and other medicinal berries
bright against white
angelfruit
such sweet nectar
oh god
how great thou art supplies
god dreaming dreaming dreaming
worlds comets universes
complete down to the tiniest detail
every big n little thing filled with the one life
kilbey is just a mass of bits n pieces
held together by life
and the moment that life is gone
the bits n pieces will return
to the elements
but the life
its gods life
that life
will dream again n again
dreaming that kilbey is on this world
non-pristine world
a suddenly looking used up world
a world of oh such pain
so much so much agoni
so much torture
burning
crucifying
executing
evicting
mourning
burying
crying
everyone there
crying weeping groaning
oh no
will we all die daddy
yes and no
yes and no
yes and no
god keep dreaming
somewhere else they need me
they dont need me here
i dont deserve this
i was asleep in a formless realm
and now
flesh
kilbey dont be sad now
kilbey just be glad now
but but but
now hush now kilbey
we will wait for you
over here
over there
everywhere
why me why me
kilbey you know this answer well
what should i do?
nothing to be done
its been taken care of
kilbey relax now
god is dreaming
we are the wonderful things he dreams
solid as you like
but essentially
potentially
just like you
they are nothing
happy nothing
never just nothing
nothing at all
all at once
once and for all
for all intents n purposes
nothing more
more or less
than
life
and thats
one thing
you just cant buy
(yet)

in the spirit
ha
youre not gonna get any sense outta me tonite
why why why being
ask me not muse
i have travelled n lined up n flown
ive checked out n hung in but not yet cashed up
my room had no towels
so i tell the guy there
he gives me three
i bring one home
its barter system compensation
for my grievance after my shower
or what?
images :
driving thru the weird dry country
thru charming little hamlets (dahlings)
arguing about the name of our new record company
i musta thorta million names
i was saying the bloody street signs in the end
bing bing bypass records i’d hopefully suggest
after some real corkers like illumination records
had been given the thumbs down
um reduce speed records…
i got it
slow records!
no no
wombat mill records…cmon its….!
hours n hours later
every thing that everybody said
had records put on the end
eg
why cant we call it fucked if i know records?
i dunno killa what do you think records?
hey do you know which way it is records?
sorry not me records?
i thought you listened to the guy records
etc etc records
its hard to stop once youve started records
and occaisionally this method does throw up some good ones
but itll just get shouted down in the tumult records
so only do this method by yourself
its not good to let em all in on yer secret source of material
but if ya keep yer eyes n ears truly open, lieblings
then youll find it everywhere
i promise you
yes i do
and i stand by my gold shield starr guarantee
that every blogge of mine is 99% apostrophe free
and i wanted to call the label
* records
yes thats right
* records
cause thats that wily olde time being wriggling out of it
and being enigmatic
with the sorta thing a 5 year old could come up with, right
thats what i am
i have merely retained the five year old
who is constantly amazed at the world around me
me n scarlet walk thru a crowded party full of
bohemian malchicks
hippy yuppies
suntanned goths
pale riders
skatenicks n beatboarders
actors models crazies wouldbees hasneverorwillbes
joe schmoe n his dancing dog jeffree
mr tom tiddlebank the well known sexagenarian
and all these other types
and scarlet as she passes thru them
shes mouthing a silent wow
as i thread my way up in round the party
with her in myarms
like jean simmons in some medieval tearjerker
i focussed in on scarlet
the faces a’blur
shes thinking…..
what is she thinking as she sails thru this sea of faces
well she is enraptured
and her eyes flash n her nostrils flare
as she takes em all in
some of em stop the conversations to talk
to the little creature before them
scarlet looks back at me
a conspiritor
wow she thinks to me
wow
afterwards
we dont stay very long
shes only there 15 minutes or so
shes quite geed up
i could suddenly see her in another life
in the salons of europe
a woman of substance n ambiguous reputation
where does her confidence n assertiveness come from?
at any rate
she was happy to see me as i jumped outta my cab today
oh yes
geelong theatre
wonderful experience
yes it was
g lee played with us again
lovely venue
nice audients
etc
you know the story dont ya
anyway
it was by far the best of the 3
man lane 2 unda rehursed
castle main man
well
it was just too out there
but i loved it nevertheless
and then it all came 2 gether
it all fell in 2 place
(oh a song coming on here)
and it wasnt 2 long be 4
um….
ah cant be bothered finishing it
its all yours
you jokers in bands
who rifle thru the beings works
looking for ideas
drink up you dreamers
youre running dry
go on
have it
take it
its all yours
and when theyre givin you yer ph d in rocknroll
tell em about fruit machine n how its free form fiasco
blew yer mind before you got into academia
and if youre listenin’ to yonder mimesis samples
thinking
yes yes
sk has broken the linguistic hegemony of syntaxial boom bahs
and now i can proceed with my spoken word bling blong
please
expand upon it
open it up wherever you can
take out some little embedded thing
no one noticed
but youre struck by this tiny little inkling
hidden in there
in a whisper against the pianos n stuff
or a phrase almost inaudible
against the rippling synthesisers
and you think
is that just me
or did i hear that
those simple words
spoke sung like that
it means that…
well i dunno
cos its you feeling it now
you know how it makes you feel
like your on the edge of something
the beginning of the …..
i m not sure what it is for you
im just a travel agent
i say you could go here
or here
or there
or over yonda baybee
im not being too specific
at your leisure…
proceed!

in a dry n dusty landscape
in the bush
a beautiful little theatre
lovely gig
lovely night
stay in a bed b breakfast place
the only ones there
long cool verandahs stretching round corners
time stretches into the past
a hard slog
now as then
little rain
today we drive to geelong
a nice theatre 3 quarters sold out
wow
must be brief my darlingss though
big long post soon
i promise
sk

oh thats just the name of l’otel, mes amis
im sittin in the foyer
on this hopeless clunky keyboard
i mean it makes my lappy look like a straddleavarious
is that from jurassic park?
and ive doine yoga
and i blown a bone
can you dig that jazz jive you muggles
oh oh oh
the muse is pawing stuff into my poor pores
which are pouring
the skin of this world is so fragile
it amazes me we so rarely pierce its veneer
its just a slight adjustment…
ahhh there you go
you see
the phoney baloney looks a bit different from here
any what way
lost knight wee plaid
in mulbernes fair square
yeah yeah were you there there there
theyre there baby butter ware were you
do ya lika rocka roll everyday till eternity
sweet peddle steal
like lonesome whistles blowin’
ahoooeee…
clicketty clack coming back
with them blues in the night
or prairies open up
and i step onto the screen as a pioneer
and we’re stretched out across those sad old tv shows
that made me nervous when i was a kid
evil perhaps no longer
graham lee
played with us
oh i want him n patti hood all the time
i wanta pedal steel n harp
like delicate tic toc and honey sliding around
oh to be sent by sweet sweet music like that
that is my
that is my
that is my desire to ceate this sound for you
oh god let me let me let me
type type type
clicketty clack
them blues comin back
in the night