The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

i believe that light will conquer darkness
i believe there is a reason
and a design
i believe in magic
i believe in music
i believe that art and music can elevate us
i believe being a musician is an important vocation
i believe songs heal
i believe in god
i believe in vishnu with the conch, mace, lotus n disc
i believe in jesus with his wounds and his sorrows
i believe in buddha with his detached wisdom
i believe in the blue sky and the white clouds
i believe in children n babies
i believe in men n women
i believe in my band
and i believe our next record will be rather good
i believe tim powles when he gives me vocal advice
i believe my accountant when he says i owe the taxman a loada dough (ouch)
i believe my heart when it says “enough”
i believe in vegetarianism so no one gets hurt
i believe in paradox
i believe this is not an accident
i believe in miracles
i believe in the faery
i believe e=mc2…sometimes
i believe it will all be ok eventually
i believe in dylan thomas
i believe in arthur rimbaud
i believe in jeff buckley
i believe in jrr and cs
i believe in dylanbeatlesstones
i believe in marc n david
i believe in houdini n homer
i believe the kalevala n mahabharata
i believe in good lyrics
i believe in space rock
i believe in throbbing electric bass
i believe in pounding drums
i believe in ululating guitars
i believe in lush sound
i believe in mystery
i believe in unbelievable things unbelievably often
i believe something one day
and next day i believe something else
i believe everything reveals a creator
i believe music n mathematics, at some points, merge
i believe extreme left n extreme right join up
i believe in leaving some things unexplained
i believe in being honest with the fiendss on here
i believe in doing yer best esp pertaining to music
i believe in not talking down to anyone whos listening
i believe im fallible gullible but not horrible
i believe yoga is probably the greatest favour one could do oneself
i believe things take time and i believe in perseverance
i believe thats probably enough for one day
i believe i’ll have to stop
i believe this is the last line
except for this

jrr tolkien
what a writer
what a genius
now i see everytime i mention him
some silly american readers have commented about “nerds”
get this absolutely straight
this aint harry potty we talking about here…
i regard lotr as a western classic/epic
and i hold it in the kinda esteem that i reserve for homer
or dante(of whom i am a partial incarnation(some say)(ha ha))
tolkien is not for nerds
nerds may enjoy tolkien
but nerds may enjoy hustler magazine
the movie is not lotr
its just a movie
a good movie
but justa movie nonetheless
now youre thinking
too much nz for olde sk…
well i bought tolkiens “new” book yesterday
the children of hurin
at auckland airport
and i looked up as we landed in sydney
only cos they turned off the lights
oh what wonderful wonderful stuff
i was crying
i had the goosebumps
i couldnt put it down
the scope
the grandeur
the sorrow
like a norse saga
the tragic heroes
starcrossed lovers
the evil villains
now this book
a collection of stories
set thousands of years before the lotr action
the main bad guy
is a fallen god
morgoth
incarnate in a suit of flesh
you see sauron was merely his servant
and morgoth…oohh hes a nasty one
and the “hero” turin
wow what a fucked up cat he turns out to be
a heavy doom laid on him
the conversations in this book are incredible
morgoth and hurin, turins father
they go back n forth trading insults
hurin says you can kill me
but you cant follow me outta this world
and morgoth says my man..
there is no outta this world…this is all that there is
and he dooms hurin to have the power of hearing n seeing
just as morgoth has
to see n hear almost everything that happens
chained to a chair in a deep pit of hell
and morgoth lays a curse on all his family
that everything will go wrong
that every pleasure will turn to horror
every joy to terrible sorrow
and hurin has to sit n watch n hear…for eternity
its worse than guantomato bay fiendss…
now there are a billion tolkien imitators out there
writing their watered down versions of the real thing
dont confuse em
tolkiens language
the incredible linguistics behind the names
the hugeness of his world and its histories
is breathtaking
a genius
no doubt about that
i 1st read lotr in 1966
before it was at all fashionable
i loved it at 12
i love it at 52
i will love it at 102
if i should live that long
the children of hurin is so good
i cant wait to finish writing this to read some more
a genius of western literature
conceiver of immense gigantic things
jrr….i love you
sk

the next day the killer awoke
its a rainy foggy day
hes in a beautiful hotel room
oh if only miss natalie was here…
the room is full of wood n soft sumptuous carpet
the killers mind is full of last nites gig
the music rings on in my mind n my ears
how could the same man have been ignored in one place
dismissed with nary a clap
and the same bloke
same songs
same mature (d)rugged handsome looks
same grey beard
gets 3 (count em!) encores somewhere else?
there you go
its all relative
wello was a shambles
cc was a fiasco
but orc-land was the decider
and the killer came home
the lovely audience provided a safety net of goodwill
i fell but i bounced back up
i remembered the words
i remember the chords
the protective invisible suit surrounded me
and my true self shone forth
nothing mattered anymore
they made me feel at home
and i did feel welcome there
one of the best solo gigs i ever done..
must thank kurt s
who promoted this tour
who put his money where his mouth was
and unfortunately
lost a few fucking thousand bucks
but thru everything
remained cheerful n optimistic
and was concerned for me and my upsndowns
kurt…bring me back again please
just me…not the band….
let orcland be my own little haven
where i know i can come n get a little adoration
i wanna thank paul footlights
who jumped in n made my gig a lot easier
gave of ‘imself regardless
and got my guitar intune at last
although hed bought a 40 buck ticket himself
he spent most of gig
backstage getting guitars ready
pauly …not a god…but damn close
and 12 strings are a bother yes
but when in tune are so sweet like a mini orc-estra
thanks to matty d for all his help n hope the film is good
thanks to the legendary shayne carter who came backstage
hope to see more of ya in syddley in nov
thanks to jo jo the phillipino who gushed n gushed
n had to be carted off still gushing
and strangely strangely
the other gentlemen calling himself matt d
i met him in the carpark
a big dark (welsh?) brute
looking for a fight was he…?
the killer gave him one in guts
one in the head
and then a high karate kick
which put his great vicious rugby lights out
hey apparently he was in town stalking the other matt d
you aint heard the last from that bastard…
hey davyddson…im gonna have ya
if ya ever step one inch below the equator again!!!
i left him moaning in the gutter
mopping up his blood with a copy of fruit machine…
ha! the bloody cheek…
anyway
today i fly out
the extended fam is having christmas in july
all 5 daughters
juicy wallop
all 2 brothers
all 1 niece
all 2 nephews
amy s
zoe m
karin n gorm
more swedes
uncle kenny n cousin sammy
and of course
lil nk
lies waiting patiently for me
homeward bound fiendss
back across the ditch
bye bye killer
come back soon

it was a great gig
3 encores
lovely crowd
not too big but big enough
i loved it
they apparently loved it
i rocked out
it all came together
just like that
3 encores
can ya believe it?
its nearly 3 in morning here
must sleep
good on ya
perserverance
persistences reward
go killer
alright
ok?

mediocre sadly
me n them
confused n confusing
talkers
killer lacks focus
killer what do you want?
killer concentrate
guitar goes outta tune
constantly
tuneup=breakdown
loss of momentum
then every now n then
a supercharged killer breaks thru the miasma
go killer go
wolfe
oh im glad i wrote that
cos it has been going down well
they like that one
that one was laid on me whole
as a complete vision…
thats rare for me…
really
underwhelming springs to mind
another struggle with myself
my spontaneity was not really happening
self depracation
man im keeping it real for ya
this is how it was
straight from the mangey horses mouth
straight from the one trick olde pony
ok?
you cant believe yer heros done 2 badde gigs in a row?
believe it and weep then
cos its true
the technical problems
i just had my guitar refurbished….!
my brand new tuner not working
a battery connexion problem
why lord why?
i am only good in context
i am only good subjectively not objectively
you have to understand before you really like
and thats a strange thing
you have to try
you have to give me your goodwill
you do and i can work against it
cc audience strangely non commital
yeah hes ok
and i was ok
it was ok
they were ok
ok?
if you think an ok nights ok then ok
i know from the chirch that you can have very good nights
i know my gig
im a team player
i need the drums n stuff
im not generating it enough on my own
dont say no no no
listen to me try to figure out whats going wrong
there are problems
no setlist
no schtick
no continuity
no singlemindedness of purpose
too much detachment
too much gee whizz sorry folks baloney
too much stopping n starting malarkey
etc etc etc
look its all over 2morrow night
what does it matter
i wont ever really master this particular thing
marty does this well tho
but i dont
it wasnt how i started
i started with bands
i aint no minstrel
im a rocker
thats what i really do
ok?

today
i feel empty and alone
feel like crying for no reason
feel abandoned forgotten useless used up
please people
i know you fiendss like me n appreciate me
im not soliciting a flood
of comments here
or fishing for compliments
im just trying to hang in this mood here
explore its nature
its 7.00 in nz
i go on in 3 hours
ive sold bugger all tickets tonight
and christchurch
altho a lovely city
has that same feeling as oslo
or some bleak scottish city
you know
that remote windswept
youre miles from anywhere feeling
i used to get it in dover de too
i got it in kiruna in sweden
adelaide in australia in winter
sensytive guys like me get it easier
you see
i can get more outta a situation than most people
i can see some stones n some broken glass
on the side of the road
and it means something to me
the clouds
the grass in a graveyard
someones obituary i never heard of
a book in a second hand shop
a look someone gives me
a child
anything
im taking in everything all the time
whether i want to or not
thats why i can write n write n write…
childe
i could begin writing now
and never stop
even if i live to be a hundred n fifty three
im just packed up to the rafters with impressions
n thoughts n feelings
maybe everyone is….
its hard to tell
you never know whats affecting other people do you?
but sometimes
ah….
im not complaining fiendss
im not saying how tough it is to be me
are you kidding?
its been a cakewalk….
but sometimes….
its not depression
dont confuse it with that
depression i have been aquainted with
thanks to heroin n getting off of it
thats another thing altogether
depression is a terrible terrible thing
a void
a crushing grey awful weight
luckily i dont have that
if you do
i sympathise…
no
this is melancholia
this is a sensitive n overactive nervous system
a tendency i have always had
its good for creativity
since everything means something to me
i dont have to look far
to find inspiration
no
inspiration is not hard for me to find
since anything has some significance
the insects
a stain on a wall
the red of the traffic lights
a word heard on the wind
the shape of a cloud
like marcel proust
a complicated innerlife
inexplicable almost
i guess everyone has this
but some peoples jostles to the foreground
makes itself heard
the tiniest details
i drive thru a town
i see a sad looking house
or a tiny dead bird
a bit of string
i dunno
or even an old bit of newspaper
i get melancholy
i feel my mortality pushing down on me
saying you are so temporary
oh there goes another 5 seconds
till you go to that very alone place
that place where we stand empty handed
before god
or just before more emptiness
alone
with nothing
what do i need?
well this is where drugs n drink come in
because when that emptiness strikes
you reach for the whatever it is
that gets you thru the night
that lonely dark night of the soul
you think of all the sad bad things youve done
believe me nothing can protect you from nothing
look at elvis n marilyn
n all the current celebs
they got it….. everything
but when the nothing envelopes em
everything is no good
so you may think
come on time being
you must be happy knowing you made people happy
it hasnt seemed to work like that for me
i was walking round this strange remote town
with the melancholic blues
envying all those bastards
who are younger n richer n happier than me
and jesus
the list is unending
absolutely unending
yet envy i know is a sure fire misery maker
comparing yerself to others is a big trap
you know that
you do know that, dont you
everyone with their own cross to bear
you cant avoid pain
you can try
but its gonna catch up with ya sooner or later
its being human
the blues
the inadequacy
the regrets
the what-ifs
n if-onlys
anyway
today my own little box of sadnesses came open
and i feel eaten up n spat out
exile on mainstreet of some little city
in the southern hemisphere somewhere
on a blue blue planet
going round a tiny little sun
somewhere in an infinite universe
i want connection
i want contact
i want assurance n reassurance
i want mollycoddling n pampering
i wanna feel special n useful
i wanna do something that means something
i want love and more love
but this world…
this unfair world
with all its misery n injustices
the big animals eating the little animals
the ugly lonely bedsitter people
the washed up olde singers n actors
the waiters hustling their scripts no one will ever read
its crashes n its whirlpools
its illnesses
its dead end jobs
its unforgiving stare
this world is no place for the likes of me
i want that cushiony soft warm fuzzy world
that sunday night
i just had a bath
and mums making toasted sandwiches
and we’re watching disneyland on telly world
that protected safe world
which has slipped thru my fingers
like the time that gave birth to it
leaving me exposed
raw
confused
hi n dri
unable
thats it
thats my melancholia
same as yours but different
no better or worse
just that i know how to write about it easier
its a luxury
of a man with too much time on his hands
preoccupied with himself
and talking to himself
via his dirty off white ibook g4
maybe i’ll tune back in after tonites gig(gle)
maybe not
love
sk

this is the truth
i was pretty ropey
a week ago i was standin’ in the kitchen
strumming songs to nk as she cooked the dinner
and every now n then
id forget a chord or the words or both
inexplicably it would vanish from my mind
leaving me blank n empty
and nk would go
ooh
and i’d say no no
itll be allright on the night
and guess what….
it wasnt
i fucked n fumbled around
told funny n nonfunny anecdotes
i tried to just be myself
and quite frankly i was underwhelmed by me
and then every now n then
thru the tuning problems n amnesia problems
i would blast out a song
which was good enough to give me hope
but i was like a footy player having a bad day
the magic jus’ was not there
now the audience were lovely
about a hundred
lovely venue
lovely people
everything
matty d
jazz
the lot
and yet
why killer
im sitting here writing this for me
as well as you fiendss
and this aint a ploy to be all coy
so youll go
oh no stevie boy im sure you were good….!
no no it wasnt good
it was a shambolic bit of horsing around
as woulda done the lyneham high sk proud
afterwards the lovely promoter says
some songs you shouldnt maybe muck about in
this is hilarious
im almost 53 and people are still telling me not to muck about

whats fucking wrong with me?
why cant i be serious
why cant i knuckle down
sing the songs properly for the whole length
play right chords n notes
remember ye olde lyrics
and do it propply
now this is hard for fiendss from recent london show
to understand
there the killer ruled
and he pulverised himself against the music
and verily as olde as he was
did he rock!
but tonight…
im ashamed to be called the killer
i couldnt kill one semi crotchet
or nail a treble clef
but the people
like witnessing something alien
heres someone as confused as them
a bloke ballsing up and goofing off
honest almost unapologetically
its pathos/pathetic
its humour/mucking about
spontaneous/ unprofessional
its underdone malarkey n a real carryon
people came back n said
oh it was marvellous
what?
how could it be?
or is it?
i dunno
i cant be straight with myself even
such is the level of subtext in my mind
i dont know who i am
or what i will do
playing acc guitar n singing undoes me
im too used to bass
i cant adjust
and the wrong part of the brain
is thinking about the wrong things
everything collapses cos it aint ingrained
you see in london i knew what i was doing
plucking the bass
singing the songs
its like falling outta a tree for me
i am wired to do it
like driving a car
you just do it
but when i strum instead of play bass
its such a different thing
a wristy thing
the bass is all about fingers
not so much wrist action
mr humphries
look a mangey panther cant change his spots you know
anyway
wello was strange for me
i learnt that sometimes
my words n music will desert me
leave me hi n dry
n my humour fails
n im relying on sheer good will
tonite wello gave me it
n im thankful
they were a very nice bunch
thanks for yr patience wellotonians
tomorrow
well today actually
seeing its almost 2 in the morning
today
this evening
is christchurch
some one said
watch out there
there all working class riff raff there
i should be right at home then
jack the lad n his hi-jinks
send in the clowns
there ought to be clowns……;

mmmm
yer hero has arrived safely
downtown wello
where they invented wellington boots
just after they invented beatle boots
ho ha
but i just remembered
something from yessaday
i was sitting on a beach with lil sk
aka scarlet killbee
aka the bumper
aka the woofle
i was sitting on bondi beach
and the woofle was playing some game with her toys
and i was jus’ lazing back in the sun
when an entire football team
started practising behind us
they were island boys
from the solomons or fiji or somewhere
and even tho it was quite a warm day
they were practising in these hoody jackets n long pants
boy they were working up a sweat
running up n down
up n down in the sand
the nearest guy to us was about 7 foot tall
with bandaids all over his face from footy injuries (i presume)
sweating buckets of ink (as juicy wallop says)
and theyre all doing their islander tribal whoops n hollering
(if i was a missionary i’d be feeling kinda nervous)
and then i hear this voice
“mate, mate”
i think he cant be talking to me
but i hear him saying mate mate
i turn around
and this guy says to me
a beautiful beach you got here mate
and his face crinkles up into the most delightful innocent smile
complete with big white teeth
and sparkling eyes
and this guy melted my heart
with his eyes and his smile
and for a split second
i hated all “whites”
with their guns n tricks n religions n diseases
and i wish this world had turned out different
and i wanted to do something for this guy
but all i could say was
thanks…
as if it were my beach
wow
what a lovely lovely cat
he looked so big n fierce
but he was like a big kid
and i hope he n his team win
and he has a good time in australia
anyway
here i am in nz
2 hours before syd
2 hours before my show
have done my check
have done an interview
have met matty d
whos showered me in grapejuice n manuka honey
have had a veggie hash stack
now back at very luxurious hotel
will do yoga n qi gong
n back down gig
to start at 9 30
thats really about it
stay tuned
see you fiendss 2 morrow
ok?

the devil
what does that mean
that his number was 666?
which number?
or is this some complicated bit of cabbala
tossed into revelations for the cognoscenti?
how could olde jehovah let that dude run riot like that?
why not stamp him out bang! like that
im sorry
but when i look at this earth
and its colours and its processes
and its marvels
the biblical stuff just seems……..pathetic
it seems like it was written a long time ago
by some seriously judgemental old israelites
with long beards and a big axe to grind
oh theres some beautiful parts too
and some ludicrous parts indeed
can you imagine a god capable of creating
the forests
the snow
the lakes
the oceans
is gonna help one lil tribe against another
and say things like
i am a jealous god
gee thats sounds like a human talking …
or whoever it was
running round with a bag of a thousand enemy foreskins
oh yeah thats what god wants
of course
and bears savaging the youths
for laughing at elijahs bald head
fuck him if he cant take a joke!
and the devil
oooh im real scared
hes trying to collect our souls
what for?
why would he give a toss?
and we all know how its gonna end
dont we?
it says so in the bible
gods gonna whoop satans ass, right?
well maybe satan dont believe the bible
after all predictions can be wrong, right?
god its all so utterly ludicrous
and so humancentric
all this
so these 2 cats can play a game
collecting our souls
and all the beasts n deserts n jungles n meadows
are all just scenery for the game
like in a train set
and us…
we’re like the shuttlecocks
naughty lil satan tryin to getcha with the badde stuff
self righteous boring olde gee-hovah judging you
yeah sure
yeah sure thats how it is
thats how this she-bang works
all for humans benefit
like if im jehovah
and i can dream up universes
as if im gonna be so hung up
on what a bunch of turkeys do or dont do
down here
or lucifer
ok he broke free
jehovah gave him free will
and he exercised it
sorry j-man
i dont dig yer rules n regulations
me n a bunch of the other groovy angels are splitting
so we can goof off angel fashion
jehovah says get outta here lu
dont ever darken my doorstep again!
lucifer says
we were already leavin’ !
and this incenses jehovah
and the angels with god
and the angels with lucifer
begin pushing each other about
and soon you got a war in heaven

now i cant believe that olde jehovah
who after all
made all those angels
i cant believe he just dont wade in
and end it
i mean
if he aint the decider
i dunno who is
yet although he wins
there seems to be a bit of a struggle
and what about those other angels that backed the wrong side
they must feel silly sitting in hell
when they coulda had heaven
anyway jehovahs actual lack of omnipotence
i mean everythings always going wrong for him aint it?
adam eating apples
whispering serpents
cain kills his little bro
the tower of babel
david goes bad
then king solly even
its just one thing after another
loads of misogynistic twaddle and unlikely carryings on
quite frankly the “good” guys come off as a bunch
of imperialistic marauding butchering villains
just ask the fucking canaanites
and the big J
he floods the world
he nukes sodom n gomorra
but lets las vegas go….
he just aint coming off as omnipotent to me
nor particularly kind or even “good”
why should one bunch be his “chosen people”
allowed to do whatever they liked to the “enemies”
eg the ones whose land they were invading
justifying the whole thing
with a little rationale that it was ok
cos their god said it was
and whats all this gotta do with me?
why was i raised in a society
where people waved this silly superstitious
n largely tedious book around
saying it was the “good’ book
good for who?
not the canaanites or the cats in jericho
or a bunch of others supposedly massacred in it
im sorry i just aint identifying with the israelites here
i mean their fight aint my fight
and their tent god aint my god
and then a problem enters the bible
into this hodgepodge of law and war and downright plagiarism…
come on christians
the flood and garden of eden are in gilgamesh
thousand years earlier
dont it make ya wonder?
anyway into this largely silly and (to me) irrelevant book
comes something worthwhile
well thats not strictly true either
they started a second book for this guy
the old n new testas are only joined cos some cat said to do it
anyway a new book
a new leaf turned over
and heres a guy spouting some beautiful stuff
no more rape n pillage
no more take his donkey and kick his ass
no more trumpets blowing down walls
just
hey
wait for it..
hey people
try being nice…
there ya go
revolutionary stuff
after all that slaughter n struggle n destruction
we have this enigmatic cat
and hes not that different to buddha really
and who knows if he ever heard buddhas teachings
the gist is the same
dont persecute others
get yer own trip together
people look after each other
live yer lives wisely
love everybody as much as ya can
forgive everybody as much as ya can
boy its pretty simple really
but
its the way these guys put things
they invented these little sutras n parables
so you could understand
where they were coming from
anyway
i dig jesus n his ideas
whoever he was
whoever said that stuff
it didnt say itself….
he was a genius of love
a soothing healing charismatic breath of fresh air
the rest of it
the devil
jehovah
the rules n regs
the justification for invasion n atrocities
dont interest me
666 ooohhh
how scary!!!

sitting here looking at the classic single collection
justa got my copy
david fricke has written some very very kind liner notes
theres some pictures of us
you may never have seen
ha nick ward even gets his mug on here
in his stripey blazer with rolled up sleeves
me im skinny and angular as they used to say
i got short dark hair n a stupid pout
then ploogy arrives all eighteen years of age
a teenage genius of the drum kit
an incredible character
us playing on a tv show 1982
i still had my ibanez fretless bass
making starfish
im actually smiling
peter looking relaxed
ploogy laying down a beat
on what was sadly to be his last real record with us
then live at the roxy
gee am i having a bad hair day or what
pete n marty look glamourous
with jd in ny 1992
a strange pic
then london polka dot shirt
short hair clean shaven
then portland 2004
the era of the modern being
ah we dont look too bad there
back cover
an early balmain shot at richards old house
god what mysterious blokes….
then a starfish shot
then 2003 in glebe spacejunk studio
then a shot from blurred crusade live days
when we had a huge lighting truss
the record itself i probably wont listen to
why would i?
i heard it all before
aint i?
but its a nice package
and you got all our “singles” on one disc
so there you go
it wasnt my idea
but seeing its out
i hope it sells millions
although that
of course
is highly unlikely

was kicking round a footy this arvo
with some other dads from the school
when i went to mark the ball
ie thats aussie rules talk for catching it
and it slipped right thru my fingers
hands
arms
and smacked me right in the testicles
holy fucking toledo
what a feeling that is, thrillseekers
lost my breath
double up
wow
into a new universe called pain
everything else recedes
someone says never mind
you gotta nuff kids…
the kids gather round their fallen daddy
daddy daddy dad they squeak in fear n misery
its ok i gasp
just go away
after that i play football gingerly
i dont care so much if i catch the bloody thing or not
hooo doggie
anyway
thats pretty much my day
warm mild overcast weather here
love
sk