The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

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the other day
i was doing yoga
i was stretching and breathing
breathing into it
i noticed it
not for the first time
but i focussed all my wayward attention on it
the ball of anxiety almost permanent
in the pit of my stomach
a ball of nonspecific worries
that 1st started to coalesce
around the time i hit kindergarten
growing and growing
exercising control over me
always dangling the next catastrophe over my head
or in event of none
it dregs up old painful memories
to sustain itself
it rarely relaxes its grip
drugs make it shrink away
but they exacerbate it too
when they run out
and it gets even more power
a shadow a threat a menace
implying that everythings black
what is its purpose?
what is its nature?
how to defeat it
become aware of it
there it is
maybe in your throat
maybe in your chest
in your guts
in your head
all of the above
become aware of it
whenever you feel happy or
that you accomplished something
it whispers yes but……
it whispers
yes but
i know you
and i know youre bad
and i know your secrets
and all kinds of unfortunate things
are coming your way
and you did this and that
you said such and such
you ran out on x
you ran out of y
you ran over z
it tells you
most people hate you
you are a fraud
your achievements are a joke
it can always find a chink in your achilles heels armour
it feeds off jealousy and envy and guilt and shame
and then it sits there
it is part evil spirit
it is part blocked chakras
it is part acid and bile
it is part thought
it is part physical
it is part nerves
its an all purpose trans-dimensional mofo
an intangible thing ruining everything as much as it can
i seem to be sharing this body with the one ive got
its been fucking with me
putting me off
sledging me
catcalling and heckling
frightening me
dismaying me
putting a bad spin on events
demanding a recount that finds that i lose
anyway
the other day
i finally isolated it
there it was
malingering in my stomach
tense and moody and full of fire
fire that burns off my carefully cultivated energy reserves
it longs to flare up
it longs to tighten
or explode
it longs to dominate and destroy
so there i am
face to face with this guerilla adversary
attacking me from within
a spy and a traitor
i think 1st of all
im still here
so none of your predictions came true
2ndly i think that whether you make me worry
or not
any bad things will not be averted
they will still come anyway
so then why worry
3rd i think im going to release you
and im not going to listen to you anymore
and then
i breathed it all out
it took a few breaths
to get rid of it all
quite a few
it was after all unwilling to leave
finally i enjoyed a few days of respite
calmed down a little
and handled all the curved balls getting chucked at me
gee life was nice without that handicap
without that handbrake
however it has since crept back bit by bit
and silently almost back at full strength
residing again within this body
seems you gotta cast it out
a few times
before it will leave you alone
maybe its an ongoing process
like cleaning yer teeth or something
anyway
i feel like i made progress on this
itll be like freeing up space in a computer
or getting rid of a big fat tick
or getting rid of worms and crabs and lice and scabies
or seeing the last of a cold or a flu
or the end of a bully at school
ha
i can feel the bastard now
ok
im gonna go outside and do some work on him
i aint standing for it anymore
i will not share my innards with Nagging Doubt

played the excelsior sat night
just a few persons under sold out…
let me tell you people that made me feel good
after a slightly shake take off
trouble with my capo actually
i did pretty good
only a cuppla mistakes
lotta words to remember and i did
i fizzled out in my attempt at a medley a la melby n d bridie
i didnt have d bridie playing the keys for a start
it left a big hole
i sang quite well
i played ok and the guild 12 sounded wunderbar
in jorden brebachs talented hands
the crowd were lovely
not a bad venue
look it wasnt transcendental like say…
(aucklands the only recent one that comes to mind)
but it was more accomplished than my usual shambles
i am not a natural singer songwriter type
you all know that i think
but im improving
and if 53 years can improve
well theres hope for everyone
(you would presume)
my trouble is
i want to be good at everything
this is how i rate myself
lyricist : 9 out of 10
im one of the best
im one of the best there ever was
im one of the most consistent
there is very very little dross in my catalogue

bass player : im a 7, i’ll always be a 7
i do slowly push the envelope
but i’ll never be as good with bass
as i am with words

singer : im a 7 here too
although when i started off i was about a 2
but in the last few years
along with everything else
my singing has started to improve
this is of course due to swimming
yoga, qi gong, meditation
and getting off ye olde gear
however unlike the bass
i feel that i maybe able to
improve a little more still

guitarist : 5 and thats being generous
however in a studio situation
i can appear brilliant
but thats studio wizardry for you

painter : 5 ish i guess
i could be more if i work real hard at it
a long way behind my musical abilities
but i’m ambitious and i want to get there

poet : a 7 and a half
who do you judge me against?
arthur rimbaud or some olde turkey who just got a grant?
once again
i can and will improve

blogger :the best blogges are 9s
the worst hover round 6
of course its hard to tell
compared to who?

entertainer : a 6
but i will try harder

composer : im a 7 and a half to maybe 8
probably hit my natural peak here
just not gifted enough to write something totally brilliant
i am however consistent
rarely resorting to cliched devices
i do try
and i will keep on trying

human being : a 5
sadly
half the people you meet
will be nicer than me

swimmer : 3
i swim a lot
but im slow and im awkward

yoga : 5
clawing towards a 6
but yoga isnt about how good you are
its about your level of dedication faith and perseverance

businessman a 1

father : 7
i get angry and yell and stamp about
but i listen and im there
and i love them and they know it

anyhow
went home
had some lovely legal herbal products
(more on this soon)
my wife was impressed with the gig
and was keen to express her admiration
got to sleep at 4
got up at 7
(having lost an hour to daylife savings)
flew to melby
a hot dry dusty field outside a community centre
same as last year
a gig from hell
actually hells probably got a better p.a
i did my free form vegan rant
having already been primed inside the hall
by all the horrific images (as you could well imagine)
of animals being degraded tortured abused cut up
shot butchered neutered castrated mutilated etc
so i preached to the converted
got in trouble afterwards for swearing around children
(a frequent complaint chez kilbey)
i played without much relish
hung about
caught a delayed flight back to sydney
encountering a thunderstorm and nervous lady passenger
whos anxiety was thoroughly contagious
i gripped on to my chair (a lotta good that would do)
my arm pits and feet bathed in a cold clinging sweat
as the plane shivered n shook n shuddered
diving and dropping
bouncing and rising up again
swearing never again never again….
but the gig wasnt about me
it was about the animals
same as this sundays gig in sydney at petersham
for enthusiastic ttb fans
i’ll be down at tamarama beach on sunday morning 9 30
doing 2 songs with an ad hoc band
then saturday night
a private party where i have been engaged to play
memory motel by the stones
(and i’ll probably do more than that if they like it…)
thursday im doing an hour n a half on songwriting
at newcastle townhall as part of music expo
i’ll be on around 1 pm
and maybe playing at annandale next week too
as a guest (more on that as it comes to hand)
working tonight with jlk at kh headquarters
results will be heard soon
church doing divinyls tour perth ad. melb syd gold coast
i dunno
that should be sufficient
tomorrow
how the recording process of heyday
helped bring down the berlin wall
and meditation tips that will have you looking
good in your bikini this summer
plus all the inside gossip, laughs, screams
and assorted bullshit
go ahead
make a comment
i dare you!

playing at the excelsior hotel tonight surry hills
please join me
playing all your favourite flavours
adding all your favourite numbers
all your favourite notes
full review 2morrow
see you there
?

poor steven
never where he wants to be
never gets what he expects
always disappointed
wrong plaice, wrong thyme
miss understood
miss managed
miss interpretated
over estimating
a wavering tyrant
a rebellious subject
expensive tastes
cheap seats
sinning saint
sanctimonious sinner
bitter lemon
sour grapes
sweet nothing
pretty ugly
pretty olde
millions of chances
blue everyone
cranky instead of thankful
rude instead of shrewd
mangey panther changing his spots
violently pacifist
undoing it all as he goes along
accidentally stumbling on one good song
same old new romantic
mish mash mush
flat singer
4th form poet
florid nonsense devoid of fun
choosy but no choice
edgy but edgeless
nervous but no nerve
chasing fame fortune youth praise
running from infamy poverty death blame
hes figured out a few modus operandi
he says hes changed
he changes what he says
no one can give him what he wants
a good hiding
place
he demands the sky
then he reigns on yore parade
he promises the moon
he delivers moontears
martyr neo poet beach bummed
sew called writer
a cadbury scoffing cad
a common or garden rake
a ne’er do well for e’er
a prick and its opposite
big head
small brain
king size ego
economy size talent
flanked by yes men who always say no
swayed by ill winds
nobody blows good
he read the bible but hes still sinning
he read the gita and hes still unenlightened
he read book of the dead and hes still living
he read the paper and hes still stupid
he looked in the mirror hes still there
his eyes are no colour at all
in america and canada his eyes are no color
if anything they are nondescript grey with a blueish stain
one eye narrower than the other
nice nose shame its red and pointy
(old public service nickname : needlenose)
teeth are the colour of counterfeit money
beard makes santa look like ziggy stardust
lips thinner than that white duke himself
ingrate but not in great
as successfull as solar power car at a texaco convention
as popular as a butcher at a vegan festival
as welcome as a faith healer at a drug store
useful as a eunuch at an orgy
the charisma of a lampost
one thing in common with beethoven : his hearing
like an albino in a blackout
like bull in an egg cup
all cloud no silver lining
hesitating in time wastes sleeping dogs broth
not man enough for meat
not woman enough for man
too childish for his betters
too old hat to the kids and lambs
strange to strangers
familiar to bad habits
undeserving
unappealing
unacceptable
cocaine and unable
hoarse and horse
a dopey dope
mushroom or fungus
a name to be misspellled
a voice like curtains rustling
a voice like treacle on creaky flawboreds
a voice like a used star salesman
a voice like a singing tree
a voice like a crooning piece of basalt
a sense of humour like genghis khan
a sense of mercy like caligula
about as rocknroll as a basket weaving lesson
about as entertaining as nothing
schlocky miasma
a vortex of tripe
a whirlpool of wubbish
tone deaf
love blind
small wander
anti miracle
farther christmas
long in tooth
short in temper
consolation prize
most unimproved boy
straggler lagging behind
also run
wished up
hope full
dope full
soft soap
hard shoulder
cold shoulder
cold reception
read it and weep

switched off
switched on
little red light comes on
an incredible process begins
analysing the outsides properties
it duplicates them in reverse
an opposite in fact
negative mirror images
instantly cancelled
phased out
a sound starts up
long ago recorded sounds of music
percussive hammering
voices chanting
an unbearable throb begins
the music coalesces into intent
the intent to penetrate the mind
music that lives in your mind
music that reminds you of who you are
music brutalizing the ears
music ravishing the mind
the music moves into a higher key
a sudden unexpected release
as the lower sounds fall away
we soar over fields of sound
vibrating fields of recorded sounds
tape hiss battles with digital sheen
distortion flowers and runs thru the score
the wavering tendrils of decaying notes
their ghostly presence hovers in the reverberation
and lingers after the savage edits
murmuring singers duplicated in mirror prisms
fragmenting exploding bytes of random sounds
white noise moving into pink
snippets from interstellar buzz
commmercials from 2034
natural sounds like water dripping
and beasts bellowing
lightning striking
tinkling skies with star like bells
words come and go
meanlingless syllables in sumerian tongues
meta language
machine dialogue for human superconsciousness
programming the deep self
frequencies lengthen and shorten
soft wave envelopes the background
a device generates lovely lines of verse
voices of the dead come to life
and they gather in stereo pairs
until subsumed in the rising crescendos
long after declining earshot
their afterfizzle still jerks in the depths still
as it goes down to the erasing heads
calibrated hits in midrange
back beat drops muffled in delirious fanfare
allegretto

by the shores of the pacific
in the leafy eastern suburbs
lived the singer nevets yeblik
with his thousand dollar falcon
walking on the rainy boardwalk
hiding in the misty evenings
drinking buzz and blowing ganga
damiana and yohimbe
with his wispy hair and freckles
fingers gliding o’er his fender
bearded and five times a father
pulling music from the ether
doing all his naive paintings
doing yoga in the twilight
breathing out in pranayama
and aligning all his chakras
diving for a deeper meaning
listening to his own minds chatter
ignorance and empty grandeur
voices whisper in his memory
songs he sang that come to haunt him
words he wrote that then meant nothing
nights he spent with white insomnia
writhing on the hooks of poppies
music deafened in its hearts head
marbled veins of hidden meanings
things he never meant to be there
others all may take their meaning
only some will be enamored
in the world so dull and weary
no one cares for subtle magic
only blasting screaming yelling
only dancing death and metal
all the noise and all the turmoil
fading in the daybreaks silence
then he rises from his slumber
leaves his fine wife to her dreaming
leaves his daughters softly breathing
as the lay entwined together
sitting down at his computer
typing through the misty morning
as the bondi rain comes softly
falling on the sand and bindis
falling on the tramps and tourists
on the roofs of the pavilion
running off the swaying palm trees
lightly touching on the windshield
blurring all the scarlet brakelights
reflected off the mornings phantoms

painkillers
yeah i know you little lambs are aching for your painkiller
oh rest ass-ured my children
it slowly is wending its way across the universe next door to you
its so good for you
a musical aphrodisiac from king rude daddy longblogs
painkiller * painkiller * painkiller *
soothe your aching nerves
stimulayte your mmm mmm
oh painkiller you sweet thing
consolation of the loveless
oh so much new new wild sense-ation
love reaction
that pumping bass guitar
killer you play dumb bass
round and fat and expensive
thrumming and coming
painkiller warning do not operate secret machinery
do not take with alcohol or a month with a seafood in it
not for breast feeding muses
not for the elderly infants
painkiller is a herbal natural synthesis
of finest available orgasmic ingredients
including pounding drums
grinding guitars
urging voices
painkiller is completely gluten free
painkiller available in one size fits or too badde for you
painkiller stays at astral travel lodges
painkiller recommends other steve kilbey products
painkiller say goodbye to headache and mens true cramps
say goodbye to unsightly thighs and botched brazilians
say hello to the gnu yew
say hello to a bright future hand in hand with painkiller
painkiller rock hard live long
painkiller hippy astronaut waitless
orchestras!
choirs!
radiotronicks!
effects peddles!
mike r’foans!
string theories!
machine and sticky heads!
organs!
drums ticks!
here are a free sample of lyrics
a
you
it
i
no
here are some of the chords used
a bad gag
b flat or b sharp
gee sus diminished
here are some of the praises criticks have heeped on painkiller
its ok
what…?
sorry he didnt listen to it
is it finished yet?
painkiller
panefiller
coming sooner than you thought
later than you hoped
earlier than expected
expected any year now
PAINKILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

easy day
old sk goes swimmin’
smokes dope
plays guitar
thinks about nothin’ much
don’ wanna lay nothin’ too hard on ya
now
and then
again and again
cant seem to please every one
why fucking try?
cos thats the kinda man i am
i try to please everybody
usually pleasing none
yeah thats ok
least i dont work for the man
least i just hang around day in day out
a gig here
a meeting there
a session tonite in fact
singing sing singing
not work at all
god i am grateful i dont work
writin’ popsongs aint work
it might be hard to write good ones
but it aint work
nor is writing po-etry
or painting with pastels
doing yoga
watching the baby
doing chi gong
picking up kids from school
listening to pod
eating crisps
drinking blood orange juice
miranda came over last night
she is stunningly gorgeous
a cross between patti smith and uma thurman
with freckles and swedish accent
we are on each others wavelength
edgy girl tho she is sometimes
elli behaving very aristocratically
and swanning about
aurora has a lovely shaped head and stunning jawline
eve is energetic and works at another level
scarlet kilbey is a porky naughty little gooseball
my wifes very pretty
my brothers are nice
my mothers birthday tomorrow 23rd oct
happy birthday mum
there will be a card arriving before christmas
with a million dollar cheque
my sisterinlaws are lovely
my nieces n nephew are nice
ok
i should be happy
the prime minister is a sad squeaky little creep
is he crying, dad? aurora asks when she sees him
the opposition leader
a smug school boy debater type
leader of the fucking LABOR party
lookin’ to buy a 5 million dollar HOLIDAY house
ah…aint you on the wrong team mister?
howard is a belligerent weasel
rudd is a twittering hamster
neither give a fuck about the “people”
neither is what i’d really call a man
both are effeminate in various ways
howard with his squeaky high pitched voice
rudd with his lips
his lipstick looks stupid says evie
and both are thoroughly despicable charisma-free twerps
surely we have better than this
please bring on turnbull n garrett
they gotta be better than these insipid limp chimps
sorry i cant vote for either of these hams
lucky i aint registered
bye

earth is just warming up
and up
and up
first the equator
the tropics
qld
darwin boiled over
down to sydney
then south south
away from the heat
away from the fucking searing blasting boiling sun
no respite
gippsland in victoria fries
melbourne a cinder
over the sea
but no respite
we weep for hobart blackened treeless dry and burnt
now we australians
we who are left
and the south americans
among them several magic realists
some new zealanders
we are antarcticans
3rd generation
domedwellers
ice men
but ice melting even here
glaciers flowing
the great shelves crashing in green warmer water
the mountains are re exposed
birds nesting
goats let loose
in summer
the young people walk in the mountains
many go missing
what strange menace lurks there
we who thought this place previously uninhabited
let me tell you how wrong we were
they were there
under the ice
we have seen their cities
at first only ruins we thought
weve seen their lights under ice
and now the ice is melting
their cities deep in the thawing ice
as the mercury moves up the glass
like a snake slithering up a tree
oh yes there are antarctic snakes now
and wolves too
set loose from a menagerie
other beasts unidentifiable
boss that was a dragon said a thai man
could they have unleashed these
those in the under-ice city
nevermind
the long summer comes
warmer and warmer
coming in from all sides of the sky
warmer and warmer
bunyips have appeared in the lake
they have taken several divers
jim who has koori blood identified them
life appears where it has no where else to go
but even the monsters
even the ones underground in the ice
all of them
all of us
all of it
must
will
burn