The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

clarity somewhere
shining on thru
my heart tells me what to say
my mind now assists
thank you lord for yoga
its dawning on me
what you say
what is it dawning on you?
oh so hard to say
are there things that are unsayable?
something elusive
something lovely but vague
a warm rush of pleasure
the appearance of intuition
power and ability focusses
it occurs that one can do anything
really
but you must invest your time and love
oh i know thats the part you dont wanna hear
love you say you can give but not time
nothing that takes time time being you say
we need the shortest cut
we need the quickest root
we need the time bypass
we need the fastest fix
please dont hurry it
look you need a leap of faith
give yoga your time and faith
put faith in yoga it will not let you down
practice going lightly
move like tiger on vaseline
feline agile and certain
yoga will bring you up to speed
your deep heart will be heard amongst the brains thousand voices
you are not your mind
yes that needs to pass through your mind
but still i say
you are not your mind
your mind is to be harnessed
watch it writhe at first
as it thrashes around
but eventually comes stillness
the yoke
you are yoking that mind of yours to a great purpose
even if no one really understands this purpose
or its full import
or even a glimmer of what it is
yoga is not the only path
there are others
all demanding much
there is no easy way in
into what you say
in where?
alignment
getting in tune
becoming yourself
you are like a machine
that can do a hundred things
but you know only know how to do 3 or 4
you use a tiny percentage of your potential
you have a mansion but you live in the hallway
there are many types of yoga
the physical asanas are just a part
yoga is letting the universe work for you
going with the flow
changing
making your life a work in progress
improving
extending
going softer
more subtle
more atuned
more surfing the ebb and flow of opportunity
more being in the groove
being able to spot potential a mile off
sexual prowess yes if you want it
calmer mind if you need it
stamina and ability to deliver
if only if only
i had been doing yoga all those years
i might have truly amazed you
after almost 5 solid years though
the transformation is underway
intuitively incorporating swimming
for its gentle exercise
for its regulation of breath
for its discipline
for its cold sea water everyday
for its energising qualities always manifested
these 2 things alone operating on me
agents of change
by the age sixty
i will just be starting
my limbs will be limber
my sinews and muscles aligned
my blood pressure low as it is now
my heart beating slowly as it is now
my mind working (for me) nimbly
my compassion developing
i want whatever it is yoga can
and is
giving me so bad
it is a human potentiator
what do you want from life?
yoga could give it to you
thats why im out on the balcony 90 mins every day
im easing into it
the postures i once hated
now feel like old friends
my body and my soul thank me for every pose
i breathe into poses
i let go the tension and pain that inhibits me
blood is pumped through organs
the glands are bathed in blood too
every thing is massaged and soothed
you gain height as your bones move back apart
as the muscles release in your back and legs
i look at the trees and flowers
i look at the sky and clouds
sometimes i see right through them
realities dissolve
principles of art occur to me
pieces of philosophy i suddenly grasp
or mysteries from my own life solved
or i gaze into the intangible
which really has no description
afterwards
i feel like calmly elated
this may take some time
this may happen only occaisionally at first
meditation will compound yogas effects
the 2 go hand in hand
one will deepen the other
if you want the sublimest thing
yoga can give it
like doing a degree at university or an apprenticeship
or learning an instrument or a language
nothing happens at once
you will need continuous yoga
to flush the gossip
the envy
the television
the fear
the pressure
the insults
the humiliations dished out n received
the heavy weight of the world
the electric pollution
the sonic pollution
the terrible things you have eaten
the awful drugs or drink you had
but if you persevere
and yoga will even give you the will to persevere
then slowly but surely you will improve
youll still get old and die
but youll feel a lot better getting there
you may become interested in matters cosmic
you may develop other senses
or just feel better
give it a try
its ttb recommended

last night i played memory motel by the stones
at a private birthday party in a big house east subs
it was for someones 40th birthday
it was their favourite song
i was paid well
plus something extra nice
i felt i won them over
several quite olde ladies
came up and said
i wished you played longer love
i coulda listened to ya forever
we got an early night
next day today
(strangely enough)
i play a gig at tamarama beach
a violent thunderstorm
with bolts of lightning illuminating the whole sky
torrential rain reigning o’er me
olde dirty sydney swept cleen
brightened up
oh every thing so green and sparkly
at tamarama beach
which is a beautiful and delightful spot
next to the little kiosk/cafe
was a tent containing
brendan g on slide
bernie h on guitar
jonny z on bass
hamish on drums
peter od on guitar
we played a fantastic version of providence
it was live to air on the abc
gee it was a nice version though
jonny z….oh what a tricky bass player
this guy is a 9 n a half
and thats why im a 7
anyway i was very pleased with it
then me n fambley drive to petersham
we find the way
we get detoured
we scramble for a park
its bigger than vegan day apparently
inside i walk thru crowd and stalls
i find a backstage room
i tune up
im playing the guitar to myself in the mirror
running a very critical eye over the timed being
hmmm
well i am 53
i suppose
anyway
there i am like narcissus
watching my vain self in reflection
when one of the organisers walks in
a bemused smile
as i turn around and see her watching me
silently
huh showbiz types she thinks
i go on
im good
yeah
ive said it
under the most trying of conditions
in a town hall packed with people buying vegan products
and talking eating laughing
with bright horrible lights
with no fold back
ie i couldnt hear the guitar at all
yet
i got through
thank you yoga
thank you india
thank you swimming laps
thank you qi gong
thank you meddi-tation
i now have a deep spring inside me
to draw forth the wherewithal however i shall need it
this allows me
to talk to high school kids for 2 hours about songwriting
to play in tents in dusty windy fields with a fucked p a
to play at birfday parties
to play at wineries in 45 degree heat
to play in noisy town halls at noon
i am able to go the distance
halfway through i stopped
gave em the veg rant
which is
that being veg
will
*keep you healthier
*save the worlds meagre resources
*reduce needless suffering for countless sentient creatures
*reduce negative karma
*increase awareness of our interconnection
*towards a happier world
*towards spiritual realisations
*higher vibrations
*make you sexier
*make you slimmer
*make you look and feel younger
*live and let live
then i played some more
and i walked out into the sydney sunshine
quite pumped up on adrenaline
feeling restless and vaguely unfulfilled
on the trafficky journey home
came in to our cool dark bedroom
to have a little nap
and after 5 minutes
the doof doof started up
ripping me from my peaceful slumber
now im gonna take twillies n doodles to nielsens for a swim
ive deserved it
bye

oh there are no accidents
or are there?
this is all the truth
and the truth is there may be lies
maybe lies
the truth is a bendable thing
it can move and yet remain firm
you see when you can grasp a paradox
firmly by its opposites
and it can sit in your mind no worries
when you say yes or no or perhaps
no you say all three
absolute what
we are connected on countless levels
we only have but to call on our connections
ah
but who can see them all?
what you intend
your intentions and intent
creator destroyer manipulater
become yourself right now
you are so damn powerful
you have every resource at your tingerfips
you are not alone in a world of loneliness
you are something wonderful
you are contained within our dream like us all
and the stars have spawned you
electric flesh
god given ass
opposable thumbs
perception
observing ourselves
we cant create worlds we create music
succulent music voluptuous music
i sang to you
is that why you are here?
you are right to think you know me
though stranger i am
you know everybody you know everything
human being in your waterproof skin
with your brain firing firing firing
with your memories and your elusive thoughts
with your language to describe it all
with your immune system and your driving license
become yourself i say again
do what it is you want to do
your ancestors spoke with god
show mercy to the merciless
your descendants must walk the unknown
grant wishes if they be in your power
perspectives must change with death
you have misunderstood some information
you have been filled with facts and figurines
you have been fed cases unsolvable
take what you need
give it back to em in spades
dont hesitate to be lost
youll find more out that way
rail against laughable injustices
disbelieve authority at least half the time
imitate christ
for as long as you can
i bet you cant make even 5 minutes
eat cleanly
you are what you eat how could that not be?
dont turn back unless you are going the wrong way
stand fast and full stop
pray for your prey
take responsibility for your blood shed
honour the dead
revere the living
dont listen to me
if they offer you money take it
if they dont trust you
trust me, its alright
remember
as ttb says
continue to look for the marvellous in the mundane
demand quality and sometimes youll even get it
be patient like a tree
rely on your heart
tune out the chatter
exclude the bullshit
refrain from mindless thinking
go on
and extend yourself
and say to me
metaphysician, heal thyself!!

olde gone killa drive his falcon
talking at a music expo
telling people bout the lyrics
and the meaning of the music
bout the chords i stumbled onto
strumming in the sydney darkness
in a terraced house just somewhere
in the humid daylight strumming
how i wrote unguarded moment
how i signed some stupid contract
how the teenie weenies mobbed me
when we’re 13 with a bullet
when we fell from charts like concrete
how sometimes they never paid us
and the kids in olde newcastle
did they like the killers talking
were they amazed by his insights
or just the philistine fiasco
predicted by his hearts dull murmur
driving down the endless highways
connecting up these dirty cities
got his cd player pumping
got his head all full of music
and the people from the expo
say maybe you come back tomorrow
perhaps you have something to offer
perhaps youre not a stoned olde hippy
harbour bridge was very crowded
crowded with the peak hour traffic
little killer in the falcon
white white beard and calves like sculptures
plotting thinking dreaming driving
opera house and manly ferries
yonder lies olde kirribilli
haven for the weasel spirit
killa thinks about his long life
thinks about the hungry audience
thinks about the sharps and minors
thinks about the strings and pedals
all the buttons and the dials
and the noise and all the silence
all the music yet unwritten
all the poems still unspoken
all the skys weve yet to fly through
causal astral mental travel
everything has many facets
every devil many levels
looking for a neat equation
looking for a handy exit
heading homeward in the sunset
homewards to his wife and daughters
waiting for him in the twilight

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the other day
i was doing yoga
i was stretching and breathing
breathing into it
i noticed it
not for the first time
but i focussed all my wayward attention on it
the ball of anxiety almost permanent
in the pit of my stomach
a ball of nonspecific worries
that 1st started to coalesce
around the time i hit kindergarten
growing and growing
exercising control over me
always dangling the next catastrophe over my head
or in event of none
it dregs up old painful memories
to sustain itself
it rarely relaxes its grip
drugs make it shrink away
but they exacerbate it too
when they run out
and it gets even more power
a shadow a threat a menace
implying that everythings black
what is its purpose?
what is its nature?
how to defeat it
become aware of it
there it is
maybe in your throat
maybe in your chest
in your guts
in your head
all of the above
become aware of it
whenever you feel happy or
that you accomplished something
it whispers yes but……
it whispers
yes but
i know you
and i know youre bad
and i know your secrets
and all kinds of unfortunate things
are coming your way
and you did this and that
you said such and such
you ran out on x
you ran out of y
you ran over z
it tells you
most people hate you
you are a fraud
your achievements are a joke
it can always find a chink in your achilles heels armour
it feeds off jealousy and envy and guilt and shame
and then it sits there
it is part evil spirit
it is part blocked chakras
it is part acid and bile
it is part thought
it is part physical
it is part nerves
its an all purpose trans-dimensional mofo
an intangible thing ruining everything as much as it can
i seem to be sharing this body with the one ive got
its been fucking with me
putting me off
sledging me
catcalling and heckling
frightening me
dismaying me
putting a bad spin on events
demanding a recount that finds that i lose
anyway
the other day
i finally isolated it
there it was
malingering in my stomach
tense and moody and full of fire
fire that burns off my carefully cultivated energy reserves
it longs to flare up
it longs to tighten
or explode
it longs to dominate and destroy
so there i am
face to face with this guerilla adversary
attacking me from within
a spy and a traitor
i think 1st of all
im still here
so none of your predictions came true
2ndly i think that whether you make me worry
or not
any bad things will not be averted
they will still come anyway
so then why worry
3rd i think im going to release you
and im not going to listen to you anymore
and then
i breathed it all out
it took a few breaths
to get rid of it all
quite a few
it was after all unwilling to leave
finally i enjoyed a few days of respite
calmed down a little
and handled all the curved balls getting chucked at me
gee life was nice without that handicap
without that handbrake
however it has since crept back bit by bit
and silently almost back at full strength
residing again within this body
seems you gotta cast it out
a few times
before it will leave you alone
maybe its an ongoing process
like cleaning yer teeth or something
anyway
i feel like i made progress on this
itll be like freeing up space in a computer
or getting rid of a big fat tick
or getting rid of worms and crabs and lice and scabies
or seeing the last of a cold or a flu
or the end of a bully at school
ha
i can feel the bastard now
ok
im gonna go outside and do some work on him
i aint standing for it anymore
i will not share my innards with Nagging Doubt

played the excelsior sat night
just a few persons under sold out…
let me tell you people that made me feel good
after a slightly shake take off
trouble with my capo actually
i did pretty good
only a cuppla mistakes
lotta words to remember and i did
i fizzled out in my attempt at a medley a la melby n d bridie
i didnt have d bridie playing the keys for a start
it left a big hole
i sang quite well
i played ok and the guild 12 sounded wunderbar
in jorden brebachs talented hands
the crowd were lovely
not a bad venue
look it wasnt transcendental like say…
(aucklands the only recent one that comes to mind)
but it was more accomplished than my usual shambles
i am not a natural singer songwriter type
you all know that i think
but im improving
and if 53 years can improve
well theres hope for everyone
(you would presume)
my trouble is
i want to be good at everything
this is how i rate myself
lyricist : 9 out of 10
im one of the best
im one of the best there ever was
im one of the most consistent
there is very very little dross in my catalogue

bass player : im a 7, i’ll always be a 7
i do slowly push the envelope
but i’ll never be as good with bass
as i am with words

singer : im a 7 here too
although when i started off i was about a 2
but in the last few years
along with everything else
my singing has started to improve
this is of course due to swimming
yoga, qi gong, meditation
and getting off ye olde gear
however unlike the bass
i feel that i maybe able to
improve a little more still

guitarist : 5 and thats being generous
however in a studio situation
i can appear brilliant
but thats studio wizardry for you

painter : 5 ish i guess
i could be more if i work real hard at it
a long way behind my musical abilities
but i’m ambitious and i want to get there

poet : a 7 and a half
who do you judge me against?
arthur rimbaud or some olde turkey who just got a grant?
once again
i can and will improve

blogger :the best blogges are 9s
the worst hover round 6
of course its hard to tell
compared to who?

entertainer : a 6
but i will try harder

composer : im a 7 and a half to maybe 8
probably hit my natural peak here
just not gifted enough to write something totally brilliant
i am however consistent
rarely resorting to cliched devices
i do try
and i will keep on trying

human being : a 5
sadly
half the people you meet
will be nicer than me

swimmer : 3
i swim a lot
but im slow and im awkward

yoga : 5
clawing towards a 6
but yoga isnt about how good you are
its about your level of dedication faith and perseverance

businessman a 1

father : 7
i get angry and yell and stamp about
but i listen and im there
and i love them and they know it

anyhow
went home
had some lovely legal herbal products
(more on this soon)
my wife was impressed with the gig
and was keen to express her admiration
got to sleep at 4
got up at 7
(having lost an hour to daylife savings)
flew to melby
a hot dry dusty field outside a community centre
same as last year
a gig from hell
actually hells probably got a better p.a
i did my free form vegan rant
having already been primed inside the hall
by all the horrific images (as you could well imagine)
of animals being degraded tortured abused cut up
shot butchered neutered castrated mutilated etc
so i preached to the converted
got in trouble afterwards for swearing around children
(a frequent complaint chez kilbey)
i played without much relish
hung about
caught a delayed flight back to sydney
encountering a thunderstorm and nervous lady passenger
whos anxiety was thoroughly contagious
i gripped on to my chair (a lotta good that would do)
my arm pits and feet bathed in a cold clinging sweat
as the plane shivered n shook n shuddered
diving and dropping
bouncing and rising up again
swearing never again never again….
but the gig wasnt about me
it was about the animals
same as this sundays gig in sydney at petersham
for enthusiastic ttb fans
i’ll be down at tamarama beach on sunday morning 9 30
doing 2 songs with an ad hoc band
then saturday night
a private party where i have been engaged to play
memory motel by the stones
(and i’ll probably do more than that if they like it…)
thursday im doing an hour n a half on songwriting
at newcastle townhall as part of music expo
i’ll be on around 1 pm
and maybe playing at annandale next week too
as a guest (more on that as it comes to hand)
working tonight with jlk at kh headquarters
results will be heard soon
church doing divinyls tour perth ad. melb syd gold coast
i dunno
that should be sufficient
tomorrow
how the recording process of heyday
helped bring down the berlin wall
and meditation tips that will have you looking
good in your bikini this summer
plus all the inside gossip, laughs, screams
and assorted bullshit
go ahead
make a comment
i dare you!

playing at the excelsior hotel tonight surry hills
please join me
playing all your favourite flavours
adding all your favourite numbers
all your favourite notes
full review 2morrow
see you there
?

poor steven
never where he wants to be
never gets what he expects
always disappointed
wrong plaice, wrong thyme
miss understood
miss managed
miss interpretated
over estimating
a wavering tyrant
a rebellious subject
expensive tastes
cheap seats
sinning saint
sanctimonious sinner
bitter lemon
sour grapes
sweet nothing
pretty ugly
pretty olde
millions of chances
blue everyone
cranky instead of thankful
rude instead of shrewd
mangey panther changing his spots
violently pacifist
undoing it all as he goes along
accidentally stumbling on one good song
same old new romantic
mish mash mush
flat singer
4th form poet
florid nonsense devoid of fun
choosy but no choice
edgy but edgeless
nervous but no nerve
chasing fame fortune youth praise
running from infamy poverty death blame
hes figured out a few modus operandi
he says hes changed
he changes what he says
no one can give him what he wants
a good hiding
place
he demands the sky
then he reigns on yore parade
he promises the moon
he delivers moontears
martyr neo poet beach bummed
sew called writer
a cadbury scoffing cad
a common or garden rake
a ne’er do well for e’er
a prick and its opposite
big head
small brain
king size ego
economy size talent
flanked by yes men who always say no
swayed by ill winds
nobody blows good
he read the bible but hes still sinning
he read the gita and hes still unenlightened
he read book of the dead and hes still living
he read the paper and hes still stupid
he looked in the mirror hes still there
his eyes are no colour at all
in america and canada his eyes are no color
if anything they are nondescript grey with a blueish stain
one eye narrower than the other
nice nose shame its red and pointy
(old public service nickname : needlenose)
teeth are the colour of counterfeit money
beard makes santa look like ziggy stardust
lips thinner than that white duke himself
ingrate but not in great
as successfull as solar power car at a texaco convention
as popular as a butcher at a vegan festival
as welcome as a faith healer at a drug store
useful as a eunuch at an orgy
the charisma of a lampost
one thing in common with beethoven : his hearing
like an albino in a blackout
like bull in an egg cup
all cloud no silver lining
hesitating in time wastes sleeping dogs broth
not man enough for meat
not woman enough for man
too childish for his betters
too old hat to the kids and lambs
strange to strangers
familiar to bad habits
undeserving
unappealing
unacceptable
cocaine and unable
hoarse and horse
a dopey dope
mushroom or fungus
a name to be misspellled
a voice like curtains rustling
a voice like treacle on creaky flawboreds
a voice like a used star salesman
a voice like a singing tree
a voice like a crooning piece of basalt
a sense of humour like genghis khan
a sense of mercy like caligula
about as rocknroll as a basket weaving lesson
about as entertaining as nothing
schlocky miasma
a vortex of tripe
a whirlpool of wubbish
tone deaf
love blind
small wander
anti miracle
farther christmas
long in tooth
short in temper
consolation prize
most unimproved boy
straggler lagging behind
also run
wished up
hope full
dope full
soft soap
hard shoulder
cold shoulder
cold reception
read it and weep

switched off
switched on
little red light comes on
an incredible process begins
analysing the outsides properties
it duplicates them in reverse
an opposite in fact
negative mirror images
instantly cancelled
phased out
a sound starts up
long ago recorded sounds of music
percussive hammering
voices chanting
an unbearable throb begins
the music coalesces into intent
the intent to penetrate the mind
music that lives in your mind
music that reminds you of who you are
music brutalizing the ears
music ravishing the mind
the music moves into a higher key
a sudden unexpected release
as the lower sounds fall away
we soar over fields of sound
vibrating fields of recorded sounds
tape hiss battles with digital sheen
distortion flowers and runs thru the score
the wavering tendrils of decaying notes
their ghostly presence hovers in the reverberation
and lingers after the savage edits
murmuring singers duplicated in mirror prisms
fragmenting exploding bytes of random sounds
white noise moving into pink
snippets from interstellar buzz
commmercials from 2034
natural sounds like water dripping
and beasts bellowing
lightning striking
tinkling skies with star like bells
words come and go
meanlingless syllables in sumerian tongues
meta language
machine dialogue for human superconsciousness
programming the deep self
frequencies lengthen and shorten
soft wave envelopes the background
a device generates lovely lines of verse
voices of the dead come to life
and they gather in stereo pairs
until subsumed in the rising crescendos
long after declining earshot
their afterfizzle still jerks in the depths still
as it goes down to the erasing heads
calibrated hits in midrange
back beat drops muffled in delirious fanfare
allegretto