The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

i dunno
here we are…..
i see ive slipped into the 100s when i was offline
from the 60s into the hundreds
on the blogge charte i mean
like rip van winkle of the blogge world
no
you little prick whos about to ask
why do you even care?
no i do not care
i will not be rewarded by going up or down
i know i give good blogge!
christ…youre getting
biography
poetry
humour
muse : me
rants
raves
rambles
off the cuff displays of spectacular weilding of the eng. lang
cmon
im erudite
im hip
im working class anti-hero
never worked a day in my life
im like those rappers who jus’ rap bout themselves
im this!
im that!
i remember my friend marc bolan said to me
im the groover n i move right in
when im on the floor the kids yell for more more more..
the trend of the artist to talk about himself
as a primary device in his art
oh i love to talk about myself baybee
im jimmy braggart
im pat ingmyself-ontheback
i can really dig me deeply childe
but its all a laff
yes andy millman im having a laff
do the ladies find my braggadocio attractive as somebody wrote?
nope
im just a stupid manne blurting it all out
oh i dont mind myself tho…….
muse: youre not paranoid youre schizo
and you makes 3 little muse
are you following me?
yes?
bullshit!
this is nonsense
you coulda been reading something really good instead
all the things you coulda read
and you read this
i competed for your attention
and ive got it
so ….
muse : say whatever it is you want to say !
gee….
i dunno
is this writers block?
muse : thats when you cant write nothing
but admittedly this is pretty darn close
oho
minna has arrived
i will ask her some questions
s. why are you here?
m. because …is that the question?…i was bored
s. i hate that word bored….
m.ok i was feeling unsatisfied with what i was doing
so i decided to do something else
s. who is alltime favourite singer?
m.god thats hard….mmmm…david bowie
s. oh thats strange….
m. he always makes things interesting
s. alltime most hated singer
m. christina aguilera
s. yes shes definitely up there….
ok what is your favourite film?
m.the roman holiday..do you know which one it is
s. no i dont….
m. it’s a great story about a princess (audrey hepburn)
on holiday who falls in love with a journalist
writing a story about her.
s. one word please on the following people
1marc bolan
2uma thurman
3john f kennedy
4jesus christ
5 me
m.
1. rock
2. myself?
3. vietnam
4. did he exist?
5. squirrel
s. thank you
the doodles call me the devil squirrel
ok
more questions
s.why is it this way?
m. because God wanted it this way.
s.do you like eggplant?
m. i sure do!
s. isnt it great being my daughter?
m. since this is a steven kilbey blog
and most of the readers worship s.k i’ll have to say :
it’s really great, wouldn’t want any other man to take his place.
s. you have 4 sisters…which is most like you?
m. aurora, she’s as sensetive as me.
s. whats in and whats out?
m. in: openmindedness, sophistication and high waists
out: selfpity, people who take themselves too seriously
and…big boobs
s.why do you like gossip mags
m.you ask me this question too often… i find them interesting in some strange way…
s. did you inherit my good looks
m. of course i did: freckles, bad teeth and thin lips
s. what are you gonna be?
m. don’t have a clue…i’ll see where life takes me,
s. what do you expect from life?
m. knowledge, death and love
s. 3 good qualities you expect in a male?
m. respecful, mysterious and cultivated (HANDSOME)
s. 3 bad qualities?
m. disrespectful, ignorant and selfobsessed
s. that should do
ive got all those qualities..
one last question…
do you remember that nasty naughty little game
we used to play on/with elli
where you and i would suddenly run away
and try n hide…
1did you enjoy it?
2do you think she enjoyed it?
3and how bad am i , daddy, for enjoying it?
m. 1 i really loved that game….i felt like i had all the power…
and it was my revenge for all the times she hurt me
2. non monsieur….the tears weren’t really a sign of fun now ,were they?
3. yes you’re a bad daddy for enjoying making your children cry!
ha ha ha!!!
anyway
thank you minna
special guest *
4 2 day
mmm thats it i guess
oh i think i’ll go n look at my teeth n lips for a while
(sigh)
bye

how hilarious to see myself on youtube
in all my arrogant glory
opining a loada bull
acting like im a marquis or something
success is fun
but failya shapes ya
thats for sure
i dont know how i feel to see myself
its not a problem most people have
or imagine they would have
watching yerself on the telly
rambling on with a penchant for bullshit
lord kill-bee of rozelle
supercilious surly broody moody mean
but not magnificent
people didnae dig my uppity attitude
my sneering and my nasty little smile
admittedly i cut a dashing figure back then
whenever it fucking is im talking about
but my know-it-all-ness ruins my good looks
i come across as an uptight fop
no man of the people
no regular joe
but some clever-dick prick
with a line in big words
la muse: things havent changed much….
anyway
(who let her outta her box ?)
im attracted and repulsed by these visions of myself
is this interesting to you….?
i always wondered how it would feel…..
seeing yer face in mags on tv etc
its just……..
nothing
believe me
youll get no succour from it
if you do ….youre already lost
being on some silly show
acting like a jerk and a right berk
it just didnae suit me
i didnt have the showbiz personality
i could have now…if i needed to
but then
it didnt dawn on me
to play along
but i dont come across as a rebel
more of a prat
its a hard thing to pull off
that thing popular people do
getting the mixture right
mystery
humanity
looks
originality
universality
marketability
i had some in spades
others i had a void suit
now im so tired of all this
to an olde man it seems like trifles
im asking myself what is the purpose of my life
not
where am i in the charts
but the answer to both those questions is silence
i like the new me better by the way
but i wanna relive my life as the new me
the new me i never knew
i wanna go back and have another shot
knowing what i know now
muse: which is?
umm….let me see
gee its hard to put into words
muse: its a feeling, isnt it…?
look the reason i write this blogge
is because ive led an unusual life
which is simultaneously a cliche life too
a modern sob story
on a modest scale of course
thrills n spills
i been hi
i been lo
i seen it up close
the best n worse
i lived my life fully
i did it m-y wa-ay
anxiety still haunts me as ever
famous or infamous
there was no getting away from me
no person
no drug
no fortune
no humiliation
no song
nothing
could get the me outta me
i was stuck with myself
hating and loving myself ridiculously
fucked up on a superioty/inferioty complex
mystery achievement…stop breathing down my neck
i wanted everything n i ended up with almost nothing
i wanted nothing and i got all this
at least i have my dear readers
to some how help me come to terms
with the idiot in the mirror
people to ponder my heartfelt words
and then write a comment
that has only the most tenuous connection
to what im talking about
my brilliance and stupidity encircle you here
i will continue to dazzle n disappoint ya
that is my nature and that is my fate
heyday was yesterday
and that was such an easy game to play
now i place a need to confide away
scarlets got a fever
and my veggie hotdog is ready
tonite more kilbey/kennedy
its getting near finished
see ya 2morroe
keep the comments relevant
ok?
ttb

you say you love me
but you dont know me
very well
and most the stuff i say ive done….well i never did
and all that stuff i denied……
and all the stuff i took
all the money just wasted
all the time being safely reckless
in my bed asleep dreaming it all up
there were no guitars or cars or chicks or dope
there were no nights or days and roads that led on n on
there was only lies
lies that enfold and entwine
where do the lies end and where does the truth begin? you ask
ah yes the lies plural….the truth singular
so many lies but only one truth…is that the truth?
or is it just another lie
gossip gossip laugh laugh
prod prod
moralise
demoralise
you really think i aint across it all and then some
horny dilemmas
sweet paradox
impossible things
thats why you read my words
you must be reading my words
giving me some sort of life
im tired of running through your mind
but watch me
i keep going
oh yes
long may i run
52 but i aint thru
nimble n naive
the knave of blogges
the stealer of time
eloquent tongue tied
elegant scruffy
elephantine tiny
you got no fix on me
elusive
but you always know where to find me
my energy crackles
my words are winged
my hand is so steady
as i complete all the details
those tiny details that make you love me
all those tiny lies
painted on the one great truth
what does this shadow here mean? you ask
nothing
what does this hole here mean?
nothing
what about this gap and this null n void?
nothing nothing nothing
you think you think
i know i know
now i been working at this for five years
five long years
almost everyday ive done something
put my mind into neutral
and ive sussed it all out
and im beginning to see the light
a very distant light to be sure
but there it is
so why why why
waste my time, being
as you can plainly see
time is not a commodity i have in surplus
im coming round the last corner
its all unknown to me from hereon
cant you see im just guessing myself?
who can or will gimme advice out there?
not the troubled brothers
not the dutiful daughters
not the freeked out fiendss
not the manly men or lovely ladies
not the bouncing babies
not the carping critics
not the dead dads
nor the mommy mums
nor the yawning abyss
what do you think i should do?
dont answer that
your evidence is inadmissable
whats in it for me?
and i used to answer myself
time
time is in it for you
now my gauges are saying
youre running out of time
and time to run
and you came out of time
and into time you shall return
but that time will be without me
just like you
you have your relationship with time
i have mine
i have spent my time thinking about time
is that time spent foolishly?
all thought of time is foolish
to possess time ignore time
i am the time being
hell thats just a stupid name i made up
time is oozing out
try and plug that hole
try to find the puncture
ssssssss
its escaping
there goes a whole 2 minutes of your time
as in
your time
the time apportioned to you
by the cosmic all
a slippery being
both of us
time
and
me

lost in the wilderness
the being
your being
your very own being
oh so lost
such a shame
interrupted
the story thus far
and you realise
then and there
there is no other being
only being now
the present
the present you should unwrap
with or without the internet
just for the time being
and with this hiatus
with this rupture….
i feel strange
like ive changed
in these times
these peculiar times
no certainty attached
indeed
saturday night has arrived
somewhere wild parties
drunken groping on the verandah
beers knocked over
ashing on the carpet
music blares and blasts
people smoke dope
and discuss the world as they know it
cars pull up
cars leave
doors open n close
people get dressed
then undressed
then dressed again
a quick shower
hot water against yer hangover
find the keys
grab a guitar
pluck a string
sing some words
meet some people
say some things about yourself
im a virgo horse with no remorse
ive got a bad cough n i like to get off
the world occaisionally
hello hello yes yes
you are in the car travelling
the others around you in the dark interior
and you drive drive drive
thru the starry night
thru the cities and graveyards
the football fields and strawberry stalls
the others are laughing
ha ha they say
but then they seem so far away
remember all the drinking and drugging
and you slouch down low in your seat
and the music is playing
the inevitable music
the soundtrack to your life
except your life isnt a film
it isnt a story
or a biography
or a song
or even a blog
its
its…..
well
its something else
traffic lights change
a siren screams in the night out there
this amazing black night
this foreign night
this sentient night
this eternal afterwards
in the void left by applause
in the emptiness
and you drive drive drive
caravans and wire fences
used cars and little fluttering flags
the others are silent now
maybe asleep
their heads folded at crooked angles
the music plays on
the buldings go past
where am i
i say
where are we going
but no one answers
as they all dream in the car
as they twitch and move with the motion
feeling of imminent disconnection
feeling of discontinuity and dislocation
saturday night oozing away into sunday morning
that most sobering of times
when you wish youd been good
when you wish you were somewhere else
when you wish you knew what to wish for
drive on
down the road
it doesnt matter
someone else takes over inside
and you are not you
some part of you is gone
another part has gone
gone where i groan
grown up and all
everything is easier now
so much easier
so much lighter to glide
thru the heavy air
bang!
you crashed
now its my turn

i get up at about 8
everyones asleep
so i go swimming
walking to the pool
i listen to my new record
actually i got 2 new records
very close to fruition
and true to form
im not just foisting any olde tripe on you
theres some pretty perceptive types
who read my blogge ya know
like percy-phone and fanged-rulin’
milky-aidies and la bon
so im assuring them
you will like my new records
measured chaps like the dean and damien
they will like my new records
my very devoted devotees
(you know who you are)
you will love my new records
those among us here more detached from this mundane reality
say jonnie hollywood and bri bri com
you will like my new record
those inscrutable types like theolonius
you will like my new records
new zealenders
you will like my new records
in other words
mutually inclusive
2 opposites
the wild erratic electronic whirlpool of one
or the measured elegant songs of the other
all of them primo being
i mean
youve read the blogges
now hear the music
its all there
youll recognize yourself in it
youll know what im saying…youll see
itll all make sense
twin records a million miles apart
one has music supplied by me n tim n william spacemaster
the other has music by martin kennedy
i sing on both records of course
and that is the intersection
other than that they are completely different
the k/k record is contained exact sparing precise
the killer record is abandon dissolute fruity travelling
youll like em both
or pay me more to make a better one
anyway
i walk to the pool
have a sauna first
get some heat up for that cool pool
the water is cold and turgid
it takes me half a lap to catch my breath
then its swim swim swim
breastroke up one way
freestyle back
i think about my swimming
concentrating on what all my limbs are doing
actually having to be in the moment
to check how its all going
observing myself
i realise the cold water is numbing me
producing a pleasant mildly “burning” sensation
its nice to be immersed in this thick cold green water
the water goes in my mouth and up my nose
and i become part of it
as i do my laps
i think about the night i met my first girlfriend ever
i was at the dickson library
talking to a boy call macleod
but it was pronounced mc cloud
which i thought was a good name
i was just 16
macleod was studying the bones in porpoises flippers
it was a warm night
we were sitting upstairs
when the girl came in……
i imagine or recall the details
ok
a few laps go by without me noticing
i concentrate on my swimming strokes again
a well known bondi iron man called spot
jumps into the lane next to me and ploughs through the water
like a torpedo in a hurry
how can people swim so fast?
anyway i only do 18
instead of 20
due to sheer lazy gutlessness
and thats typical steve kilbey right there
go to all that trouble
and then not complete the 20
the one kilometre hes sposed to do
leave it undone
walking home from the pool
listening to pod
i was tapped on the shoulder
by an extremely attractive young woman
who was ….elli
eating breakfast at a cafe
i sat n talked to her for a while
whatta lovely daughter
(when shes in a good mood)
the cafe owner hassling me to stay and eat something
i gotta go home i say
why are you too famous to eat here he says
hes ribbing me
but now everyone in cafe is peering at me
trying to figure out who i am
i catch myself in the mirror
i look like captain nemo or something
howcomes yer face is all sunburnt yells out comical cafe owner
i just got out of a sauna i yell back across the cafe
looks like yer sunburnt !yells cco
theres no sun out there sunshine ..says ttb
why you gotta go home says impudent cco
gotta do interviews with new zealand says ttb
oooh lifestyles of rich n famous he squeals
something youll never be burdened with says the ttb
ha ha ha
everyone hassa good laugh
including cco and his staff
for the benefit of those in the dark
cco drops the chirch word
aha i can see they know who im “sposed” to be now
gee whizz folks
uhuh its me
anyway the nz intaviews go off all right
interview number one inciting a vegan rant of biblical proportions
# 2 was kinda dreamy and about art and music
i dunno
then we went shopping
aurora n me split from nk eve n scarlet
we go to giant auto cheap barn
where i buy rustspray a chamois(synthetic)
contact n trim adhesive
dont you love shops like this i say to aurora
she looks around and says no
whatta bout that smell in here?
(a sorta hardware rubbery metallicy tooly smell)
aurora sniffs the air
nope she says
i stand looking at sandpaper
aurora stands there quietly bored off her skull
we go over to the music store
i need some work done on my 12 string
before nz
we go upstairs to look at some guitars
auroras restless n bored
shes keeps interrupting the guitar guy
with random
dad? dad?
but doesnt really know what she wants
anyway
i end up spending a loada dough i shouldnt spend
to get my guild 12 up n running by nz time
we go in a book store
i peruse various books that are on display
including how to make your own blue movies
which is hilariously stupid
i look at a book of optical effects
to see if i could nick anything
but i couldnt..
we meet up with others exactly as theyre coming out of the shop
bumper sitting on top of a shopping cart
we come home
i check n find internet
but now its gone
will post this when it comes back
(if?)

dear fiendss
the time being was absent yesterday
due to a lost internet connexion
eg whoever it is hes piggybacking off
finally got wise
and the internet round this way
is scarcer than hens teeth
ok im on now
but its coming n going
getting fainter
getting fainter
wouldnt you know it…thats how life ends
ah…..
so i may not be able to even post this blogge
in which case
how is it that youre reading it…
huh?
so i donna know whatsa going on with the net
dont someone tell me i gotta fork out for that as well now
it may be the straw that breaks the panthers back
here again
i thank profusely
every subscriber who has supported ttb
i appreciate it
and its very honourable of you lot
to chip in…even tho you didnt have to
the people who dont pay are welcome as well of course
just not quite so welcome as the others
no ha ha
thatsa justa me being a foolish being
being foolish
foolish being
ishing foolbe
anyway
nice to have you here
i was fretting to my fambley yessaday
them saying oh jus’ have a dayoff
me going no no no
you dont understand
i dont have days off
thru the thick n thin
up against your well
thru rain n sleet n hailstones as big as bowlings balls
i am here
i know you need it
thats why youre fiendss
because you want your being
when you want it
and you dont wanna fucking have to wait
and then you were left cliff hanging
the being delving deeper ever deeper
shorely hay-dey storeys whirr necksed
i was about to finally tell you some thing
when i lost the thread
the internet went down
i was stranded
lowtide becalmed
in a sea of passwords i couldnt guess
signals i couldnt attract
and diagnostics i couldnt understand
fuck em all then
i did what i could
i guess im gonna have to pay
its against my (greedy) principles
i feel the world does owe me a living
or at least
the internet could continue to be free
why isnt there a rule for me
and a rule for everyone else?
so inconvenient doing it by the book
the way eye see it
is this
all tho i am not the greatest
singer
writer
musician
poet
painter
actor
blogger
who ever lived
im so much better
than loads of the useless gits
who are living it larger than moi
in fact
now take 2 minutes
to think of all the talentless
shallow
“straight”
hopeless
idiots
who are
in fact
living it larger than your beloved being
be beloved being
being beloved be
arent you angry that some
pretty insipid boyband
are raking in more shekels
than your heroic killa
or some old actress making 20 mill a pic
while your main man stands in the wilderness of cyberspace
virtual cap in hand
i know it must hurt you my people
to see me in my thousand buck falcon
while lesser luminaries cruise in lexii n beemers
i sit here in my flannelette shirt n my broken glasses
yet blokes who dont know nothing
ponce about in top line suits n ties

the twillies arrived sunday night
+ 5 other swedes from their fambley
will be living round the corner from us
in a nice house
minna looks more like uma thurman than ever
but dont say it!
elli looks like scarlet
there was a lotta noise here lassanite
we scored a few blows back against downstairs
and their insufferable doof doof doof

have been working more on solo album with timbo
its coming along nicely
very pleased
youll like it
its pretty good
im sure youll love it
and you’ll say
why aint this guy livin’ it large?
and there wont be no answer
thats for sure

being asleep
being fast asleep
what is sleep?
can we define these simple things?
what is sleep
what is love
what is a song
what is life
the being sleeps his restless sleep
the tv flickers
its that movie
yeah you know the one from the last installment
in the previous episode
that film about this blokes life
some guy from the twentieth century
one of namen turners best ever roles
he learnt to play the bass just to do the film
someone poured a lotta dough into this biopic
enter one dan frankowitz :
hell im just a midwest boy
i went to college and got a degree
now i run uni-mount and para-versal films
i just loved the chirch growing up
my elder brother brad played em all the time
my mom hated em
“i dont know how you boys listen to the depressing trash” she said
dad called it music for” layabouts who dont know real music”
aunt debbie said it wasnt music at all
and she said that stephen kilby couldnt fucking sing!
ha
she was right!
but i still loved em you know
i have one ipod for each of their albums
and each day i manage to listen to at least 100 of their songs
i named my theme park in florida el parko descuidado
i own all the original locations where any album was recorded
and last night i made the winning bid
for richard ploogs heyday shirt on ebay
completing part of the west wing of my chirchyworld museum in montana
anyway
when i took over as the ceo here
we made a few huge pictures ….
pictures that defied all box office expectations
like the gormenghast movies…
they said people didnt want stuff like that
but they did!
anyway what the fuck…?
im the boss right…..!
i said i wanna make this picture
its about stephen kilby right….?
people here’d say
boss no-one out there has heard of the guy
i’d say everyone knows under the milky way right?
people wake up…it was on miami vice ferchrissakes
anyway i say bring me some stars…some real stars
tom hanks as his brother rusty
garth merenghi as his brother jack
judi dench as juicy wallop
so we get chris walken as peter copes
we get danny day lewis as martie piper-wilson
we get charlie sheen to do tim prowse
julia roberts had already jumped at the chance to play natalie dolphin
a real coup…the swedish twins were playing themselves
after the olsen twins fucked up the accents
of course nobody was quite right as kilby himself
until i saw a film with turner in it as some mad genius organist
jesus i knew hed have to be my leading man….
but the film ran into a lotta problems
turner had problems with the beard-wig
particulary the adhesive which gave him hives
but in the early scenes…
during the unguarded moment video remake
god he was a dead ringer
except that namens only 5 foot 7
and kilbys 5 11
so er…namen was looking a little short against chrissy walken there
he had a few nasty accidents fallin off his perch there too
i can tell ya…
he and julia hadda real chemistry tho
particularly the scene where the final daughter crimson kilbey is born
when the anaesthetist took off his mask
and it was ricky gervais doing the epidural…
it was a showstopper!
you see
i believed in this film to transcend kilbys status
as an appendix to a footnote
on a dusty shelf
in the museum of obscurity
theres a powerful message here
a tale of redemption
of struggle
of perseverance
of overcoming mammoth odds
and thats just while hes still in high school!
unfortunately the film went straight to video cassette
and got its premier screening in mom n pop motels
around the world simultaneously
the motel chain said
“its a great film for getting em outta the rooms in the morning”
of course i was a little devastated
but thats showbiz
hell
cue the final curtains

the map of love
where does it lead
indeed
the killer trudging down this lonely hard road
the rocks and the gravel cry out to him
as he walks over them
the deep earth ignores him
the sky turns black as night falls down
cars whizz by out there
as it starts to rain
a light drizzle
he sees his breath as steam
he sees the halo around the moon
somehow he has his ipod on
listening to the ruff mixes of his solo album
the one he made that time
before….
before what….?
before things changed
did he lose his mind?
has he got amnesia?
is there an identical twin impersonating him n wreaking havoc?
is this a dream?
is this an out of body experience?
is this the stoned ramblings of an old hippy?
is this anything at all?
will there be a happy ending?
he doesnt know yet
he thinks all of the above
above all
above it all
anyway
hes in this interval here
here
he is
a motel
hes checking into this motel
just another guy on the lost highway
this motel on the edge of which town where
this kinda rundown seen better days hotel/motel
maybe its an inn
or a motor inn
or a motor lodge he thinks…
reception
the sign says reception
a young girl working there
no two young girls
ha
well heres yer identical twins
dont all mystery stories have identical twins?
goodevening said one
we’re closed said the other
would you like a room? said one
no vacancy said the other
for one night? said one
or forever said the other
does it have hbo he asked
yes said one
no said the other
they both said
we have a great selection of videos
may we recommend
a new bergman film
called
bardo
oh whos in it ? he asked
oh this actor
you probably havent heard of him
they said
namen turner
oh but i know him he said
good they said
hes playing you
in this film
about your life
first the book said one
now the film said the other
but what about my room he said
dont you want to see the film …its on now said one
its the bit where you come good in the end said the other
can i watch it in my room? he said
do you have a credit card? said one
we only take cash said the other
no we saw in the film how he lost his credit card in rangoon
ha ha yes
outside the ambassador hotel
during the coup
during the nineties
during the arista period
when you had the hit
and the problem
and all that excitement
and all that tedium
all that money
all those taxes
all those fans
all those enemies
wow!
does turner even look like me in this film ?he asked
not really they said
much younger and hansomer
much taller and slimmer
much more …believable they both said
how can he be more believable than me? he asked
oh yes he is said one
i believed it more said the other
well who sings? he asked
oh namen turner sings
a voice like a lark
what? he sings my songs? he asked
they let him rewrite most of the words
there much better now
for a modern audience
for the i-gen
they changed some bits too they said
youre born in england now
you play the organ
you got 5 sisters
and 2 sons
its very strange
its quite straight forward too
it got some good reviews
it got some stinkers as well
they didnt deal with the drug stuff too well
very realistic though i thought
they changed the drug to crack or something
more relevent to todays kids
hang on hang on! he said
now im confused….
are any of the bits like me at all? he asked
oh all of it said one
oh none of it said the other
anyway
heres the key
to the last room
at the which town where motor lodge
its room 1313
on the thirteenth floor
but press 12a on the elevator
i picked up my guitar and suitcase
i mean
he picked up his guitar and suitcase
and ascended in the lift creakily
up up up
he got outta the lift
and staggered down the hall
tired and wasted after another gig somewhere
turn the key
lay on the bed
its goodnight

tbc

*

he was looking around as the bus opened its doors
surely this was …no
but yes….
stockholm ….a freezing winter afternoon
outside the tube station in st eriksplan
he shivered and shook
the snow had stopped falling
the world was cold and frozen
headlights glanced off the snow and ice
and everything seemed to be saying
go away you dont belong here
it didnt matter where the bus would go….he thought
anywheres better than this here right now
he stepped onto the bus
he couldnt really get an impression of the driver
but he when he proffered some money
the man had jerked his head towards the back of the bus
a load of wretched shadows sat fidgeting in the seats
and it was cold inside
shteeve ?said the man next to me
as i sat down
halfway up the bus
shteeve…..its janne!
i peered closely in the feeble light of the bus
at the man
outside the icy suburbs went past..
remember someone pushed me under a train.. janne said
im dead now shteeve he added sadly
janne had been a 2 bit connexion down at the station
he would connect you with the man for a quarter of the pie
sometimes he even sold the stuff himself
but that had been long ago
now he mostly scrounged
now…?
now was a long time ago too
he was killed in a dodgy “accident” waiting for a train
and he’d been dead awhile
sometimes on cold days like this
i’d naively let him come to my flat
have something hot to drink
but the miserable gollum like creature just stole from me
and would then lie pathetically when caught in the act
where are we going janne i asked
to T -centralen.. he said…..where-else…?
hey mr kilbeee called out a harsh female voice
a strong looking woman
with a tough face and broad cheekbones
came up the aisle of the bus
what the fuck man? she said
carina?
ha ha ha! she roared and coughed and spat
hey everybody its my friend from australia mr kilbeee
they all came crowding around
leffe?
yes steve! said a large fat swedish guy who looked like kris kringle
leffe …didnt you hang yourself…i tried to call you that very day
yes steve ….i know
and your wife..?
yes steve shes here too
an emaciated young woman who looked like a scrawny kitten
popped her head out
hi steve she whispered soundlessly
leffe had been a cab driver
hed met his wife
a lot younger than him
she was an addict-prostitute
he worked n then bought n sold drugs
so she wouldnt have to sell herself
but of course it all went awry
he started taking the stuff himself
and she couldnt stop earning a bit extra on the side
they were dealers together
it was the saddest shambles you can imagine
she propositioned all the customers
saying
do i still have it?
pulling open a dirty dressing gown
to show you her heroin ravaged corpse like body
she gave me many free caps of the stuff
i guess i had been the sanest and nicest of all their customers
they sometimes invited me to stay and have a cuppa tea n swedish cakes
sometimes i’d go around and she had dropped capsules all over the place
they were both nodding out or asleep
people would just pick stuff up n piss off
then theyd wake up and wonder why all the stuff was gone
he got behind in his payments to the nasty people at the top o the chain
she used more n more and turned more n more tricks
and took rohypnols by the handfull
i went round there once and he was crying
after an unfatal overdose on pills
saying i dont know how to even kill myself steve…
but i figured it out in the end ,didnt i ?…leffe said
interrupted my thoughts
carina said and you know this guy…
enrico ruiz revilla ! i said
a handsome latin young guy stuck out his hand
hey man!
what happened to you, rico?
ah just an o.d. he said
enrico would meet his customers outside a certain clock in town
you had to be there at 12 or 4
he’d turn up and a swarm of hungry junkies would engulf him
as usual i used to get to know them
these misfits n outcasts selling dope on the mean winter streets
i’d get to see another side of them
you see most were lonely and friendless
and i was the only “reasonable” kind of person they knew
you dont look or act like an addict they said to me
and so they trusted me or confided in me
and sometimes i saw their homes
here was a finnish speedfreak working girl with only one arm
she hadda ask people to help her shoot up
it was not something one wanted to have to do
there was ulla the old whore
who stalked her daughter whod been taken away from her
and a greek pickpocket who nicked cream buns for our morning tea
the african guys…i never really knew all their names
a russian guy who ripped me off and….
thomas
standing tall and thin
thomas who was some kind of scholar and teacher
with a fiancee and a real house of his own
before addiction stripped him bare
and rolled him out onto the streets
thomas? what happened? i asked quietly
oh yeah hey steve..
thomas had a very upperclass accent when he spoke english
he looked like he coulda made the grade
he even got off for a long time once
but he’d retained a smouldering fascination
with the underworld
i’d seen him once
this is true
he had gotten free
he was walking thru the underground one night
with a bunch of la de dah business men n women
all swedish n correct
going out on a friday night
for a nice meal and a show
then i spotted thomas
changed now
grown healthy n clean
dressed in a suit
chatting with his friends
when by chance he saw the sorry collection of ratbags waiting to score
i heard him say to his friends
excuse me can we stop?
i want to watch this…..
and he stood and vicariously lived the whole thing
saw the money n drugs change hands
and walked away smiling…
ah but alas now
he was a hollow cheeked unshaven scruffy thomas the addict
who died miserably eventually unable to get of the stuff n pills
oh the stuff n pills
a lethal multiplying combo
thats knocks people right outta their seat
and gets em down low in jails rehabs n morgues
carina said
so you finally ended up here with the rest of us kilbeee?
but what is this bus? i asked
thomas sighed
we’re all going to score
i think youd call us hungry ghosts….
but i dont use anymore! i said looking round at them
carina laughed a big ho ho ho like a female pirate
leffe smiled and janna next to me scoffed
the whole bus found some grim merriment in this
what are you doing here then? demanded carina hoarsely
i watched the bus pull into the central station
cmon she said
time to get off!
the whole miserable crew alighted from the bus
and swarmed thru the stockholm underground
like the onset of a dismal plague
as in life
as in death
carina led the rabble and seemed to know the score
she put her hand out and the various characters
gave her 500 crowns in various denominations
mr kilbee..hurry now…i got no time to fuck about..
i numbly handed over my money
my intuition said
this is not good but it may be alright
carina disappeared down to the blue line for her rendezvous
the others were all antsy and jumpy
smoking ravenously on foul cigarettes
or arguing with each other feebly…
was this really the afterlife?
and if it was
why was i here?
thomas said
hey man if you can lend me 250 crowns
i will tell you everything
i felt in my pocket
i pulled out 2 hundreds and 2 twenties
det racker he said in swedish
its enough he said in english
my friend you are so stupid
he said with his running red nose
and his watery eyes
you are not really here at all
not like we are here
you got off the stuff and you come back?
why is everybody in your story dead?
except you i mean
and you hope…
he lit up a marlboro red and winced as he exhaled
im so fucking sick man he said
cant i lend another tva fempty
i found some more money
he snatched it greedily
i pay you back he said
sure i said
what do you fucking mean sure? he said getting angry
sure youll pay me back i said
hey fuck your dream or whatever it is! he said
the others shush shush shush
anyway says thomas presently
you need to watch yourself man
you are still alive by the way he said
you were never a proper junky anyway he added
carina suddenly came back looking troubled
there was a group wailing and gnashing of teeth
as she shook her head sadly
and then
ha ha ha ! she smiled to reveal a mouthful of little white capsules
i watched in amazement as the ghoulish dope fiends
fixed up there n then on the spot
and as each one fixed up
they slowly dissolved and disappeared
soon only carina and i were left
she spat out a cap and tossed it to me
i told ya carina im clean now i said
i know you are
she said
i got something different for you
she sat down
and got out her doings
and cooked up n then fixed a big hit
just like the cheshire cat
she laughed and laughed as she vanished
only her smiling lips remained
oh she said and she was gone
i looked down at what she had thrown me
as i undid the little packet
it started to unfold out into a map
and the map was growing and growing
a map of space and time
somewhere out there
was where i was sposed to be
i jumped into the map and headed south-past
back
way back

tbc

*

yes of course
i should have known it would be you….
playing that music
behind the door
a man about the killers own age sat there
the room had nail- on woodpanels
and green curtains
the man was playing an upright piano
slim!
dad?
watcha!
hi dad……
remember this one slim?
he started playing one thing but halfway thru
it slowly changed into some other songs
dad its half a dozen songs in one … killer said
oh yeah youre right dad said and laughed
whats going on here dad? he asked
im just playing the bloody joanna, slim said dad
too many flourishes ,dad he said
you leave me alone…i dont tell you how to play…
dad started to play some enchanted evening
the killer crooned a long
yer singings a bit better now said dad
where are the boys, dad ? he asked
out the back with the dog
wheres mum?
shes in the kitchen getting dinner ready
why am i here ? he asked
why do you bloody think ? dad said
well i dont know he said
dad shrugged and improvised on some old music hall thing
he looked up
go and get your bass guitar son
but dad… he said
go on get your bass and your amplifier
we can play some music together he said
go on slim ! get your bloody bass!
the thought of the corridor of slowness filled him with dread
but how could he deny his father this simple request…?
watcha waiting for ? said dad
he turned back and opened the door
and stepped on thru
instead of the hallway he had expected
he stood in a room
a hotel room
oh art deco all mod cons
hes just been travelling for ages
all over the place
man i feel tired
man i feel fatigued
i’ll just sit down on this bed he thinks
maybe i’ll meditate and fall asleep he thinks
he sits there saying his mantra for half a minute
and a hole opens up in his head
and the afternoon pours in
this is not a metaphor in fact
this happens
imagine it
you are endless
you are not expecting this
being so exhausted
you are not courting this at all
nonethe less you have opened up
and the gate was open for everything
its not pretty and you panic
its all happening on a huge screen
every word you say reverberates
every fear you have exaggerates
youre sitting back watching in the good seats
watching yourself up on the screen
simultaneity druid…..aint it something?
incredulously, you perceive the whole shebang as a wobbly projection
the solid reality upon which you stand has been undermined
the facades and veneers crack and peel back
voices whisper in hisses and screams
and you understand them all
this is the real abyss
not death
but madness
or enlightenment
but dark enlightenment
finding out everything is fucked!
shudder and shiver this is a terrible place to be
the abyss abyssmally hypnotic
in you go into that horror
its whirling baybee
its whirling you and everything around
its warping and oozing and spinning
and youre upside down inside out
every cell rails against this inversion
sucked off into his mind
the raw stuff of existence
its chaos!
locked in your mind
it is as big as the universe
inside your mind you dream up huge floating planets
crashing around in a sick solar system
you have to stop it somehow
how can you?
there are so many …and only one you
and look now youre so big yourself
youre a thousand storeys high
youre a skyscraping monster
and you feel so seasick just considering anything
and the planets go on bouncing and making this awful sound
and you have to stop them because youre all alone in here
and being alone frightens you too
as you suddenly realise how utterly you are
are alone
inside your head
with everything going wrong
cos you pushed it too far
and it wont snap back
still in an art deco hotel room on a bed
just with closed eyes
whimpering a little maybe
obvlivious to all that now
have i gone crazy ? he asks
and theres a knock at the door
come in he says eventually
the door opens and its dad
oh good olde bloody dad
nothing could ever be too bad then
dad established normality
dad grabbed that afternoon and pulled it out of his head
no no he groaned
cmon boy dad said and suddenly it was over
dad and him were driving along somewhere
im gonna drop you off just up here slim…ok? dad said
numbly he climbed out of dads car
dad beep beeped as he drove off
he was in a city
it was snowing
he was cold
intuition said nothing
nothing he could hear
he just stood there
until a bus pulled up….

tbc

*