The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

almost like im not here at all….
another autumn afternoon
i turn on the oven in here for warmth
sun goes down yellow not red
jim morrisons poetry book open on my table
the babys bitten into each apple …minute nibbles
ipod drones softly next to jar full of coins
little statues of elephants everywhere
is this nks totem?
cactii n bamboos
items of clothing draped over chairs
a little box that once held a light bulb
a jar of silver paint
a book the twillies made for the doodles 6 years ago
a local phone directory with ads for security products
obligation free quote
now theres a name for a band/song/blogge
the bumper n i both dressed in black velvet
we’ve got so much tea says nk
the world is quiet
the luxury of consideration
roof over my head
food on the table
no war here
oh god
thank you
ive been working on my martin kennedy record
done 2 more tracks
very pleased with em too
very very pleased
stayed tuned
sent kiabgoa some new pictures ive done today
fielding some interesting offers
looks like middle earth is deffo on
qld po fest
a mim gig in mel???!!!
a private birthday party?
an exhibitionism??
a new so lo rekkid??
should i have a cuppa tea with matt davison if he comes over here?
(please vote yes or no and i will do as majority say)
oh watch out for a triffids special featuring moi….
and second isidore half finished but will be one day
bought some army shirts today
fit me perfectly
now i can iron on those silly stickers that i like
you know the ones that say
evil
and
player
and
8 ball
and
rocker
and
stoner
and
pentagram
and
flaming skull
and
fuck (a la the ford logo)
etc
and people can say
you think that guy’d grow up…
but im not going gently into that goodnight
ive hit a new upswing in creativity
and everything is happening faster n easier
effortless the way i like it
my new paintings are extra vibrant
my newsongs are extra poignant
my inner life is vivid
i am calm
anyone would have these results if they did what i do
i sit next to a guy in the sauna today, a friend hes 44
fuck i wanna lose ten kilos he says ruefully
rubbing his rather chubby tummy
do ya eat cheese i asks
oh i love cheese he says his face lighting up
dont eat anymore cheese i says
oh i couldnt do that says he
walk up the hill home instead of driving i say
oh but this is my exercise now he says
i havent got time…..
oh well
i hope you fond of your podgy olde tummy then
a verandah over the playground as they would say
water in pool starting to turn cold
cold water is good for ya
i dunno how it just is
reinvigorating
use all yer discipline to make yerself hop in
use even more to stay in past initial shock
swim hard and properly
conscious of your hand movements
breathe out your nose
look youre going quite fast and youre not outta breath
youre relaxed but in motion
just like onstage or yoga
or writing or walking
you are starting to really get across a lot of it
the cold starts to feel real good
are you blogging asks nk as she cooks dinner
tofu sandwiches
mm with sauce n salad
and nothing suffered for it
no blood
no mess
no bad karma
my noise cancellation headphones are a winner
im listening to a lot of luxuria n magazine
howard devoto one of best lyricists in my book
oh yes
check the fellow out
a real wry turn of phrase
a master of the sneer
and unusual choice of words
howie i love you baybee
has anyone heard his latest with pete shelley from few years back?
now its dark
dinner is almost ready
goodbye fiendss
as i sink back into la vrai vie

weird void hovering over me
making me feel…..
oh like i need to get warm
heatseeking need
need for something i dont know
missing from my equation
some element or ingredient
an additive maybe
i slurp down some muscat grape juice
ooh i musta needed that
oh that runs easy over my olde tired throat
its the autumn of my life
im confused
im still not acting my age
im all contracted
in the wrong way
jumpy and frail
the sun sinks below the sydney skyline
melancholia arrives
the palms move in the wind outside
i listen to yellow6/portal
i will indulge melancholia
i drift and weave in and out of daydreams
and blurry reveries too fragile to be remembered
the music creates and illustrates my voyage
i leave this autumnal room
and go where?
the children natter somewhere in the darkening house
i hear the baby call from miles away
where is this place i go
where sleep and drugs and tiredness and music take me
my private formless realm
where nothing can hurt me
an easy warm place
summer version
some aversion to coming back
a mellifluous whirlpool of thought
a still plain stretching to a far off horizon
it all makes sense here
i know all the answers but it doesnt surprise me
everything is ok just like vishnu said to me in my heart of hearts
none of it matters
nothing to get hung about
pleasant land somewhere inside me
wish i could paint it
wish i could sing it
when im there
all this struggle out here seems so unnecessary
all this blah blah blah blah bloody blah
the bombardment of info
the free trial offers
the pamphlets and tickets and receipts and bills and guarantees
why did we have to have all that?
how do those dolphins get by without traffic lights and schedules
can bears get angry if the internet is slow
do swans miss toasters and poly urethane insulation
do ants wish they could text each other
you see
i just dont believe this is the best we coulda had it
somethings gone wrong when guns are legal n pot is banned
when willy robbiams sells a billion records n i sell 18
when the heat is on but the trails gone cold
and the tail wags the dog star
but anyway
back inside my haze
where i swim languidly thru the thoughts
hard and soft
remember that
hard and soft
straddling the contradictions
being 2 places at once
making it up outta thin air
playing on as the ship goes down
there will be others
you dont meet em everyday
but theyre out there
good at that thing we crave
saying for us what we didnt think we could say
making us feel not alone
but always failing
but always trying
over and over
with paint or strings or movement or theorem
with good intentions
with open arms
with an eye to the weird void
still hanging over me

killaboy sat down at his little off white computer
oohh that rsi smarts but he perseveres
you know that killaboy cares for you
you can feel it
in these words he keeps writing
we are in the real universe
where nothing adds up
what are you trying to say killaboy
say it say it say it
oh my shoulder
type with left hand
thinks of something to say
gets a littlebit atta time
cant remember what he wanted to say
house is momentarily quiet
my ears ring
shadow of sadness
time flows out of the day
the sun shines thru a hole in the gathering clouds
night waits in the wings
patiently in darkness
ready to take hold again
summer and its promises have fled
leaving this greying afternoon
leaving me here in my may
then came the last days of may
the baby sits on my lap
continuity in action
blue eyed baby
her eyelids impossibly lilac
she watches me type solemnly
she waits impassively
warm soft heavy on my lap
my brother comes over
the baby stares at him the whole time
sulkily
the sky is rent with golden slices of light
the baby is deep in thought
something so liz taylor about her
been typing with left hand
muse: where is the renaissance man today?
me : he hadda day off

sudden
there
its the alleviator
beautyful one
oh alleviator
undenying unphased undulating
swirling around my ankles
avenue in my mind i walk on
poet of the debris
a major prophet
filament of light
light headed n all
remembering you in my prayers
try to see you
you are uncommonly bright
somedays i can
somehow you will
alleviator come to me unbidden
show me your panacea
give me calm then
let me choose my wishes carefully though
dont try to trick me
dont slip away without a word
give me at least some satisfaction
let me see your starboard face
and your tongue of port
your colossal charisma that perpetuates thru weed gardens
mosaic hero of the good fight
unseen orchestrator of fortune
uncredited writer of the soundtrack of my lives
unauthorised soul intruder and slippery felon
oh alleviator give us content
write a story i can believe
cover me in silken chains
call me long distance at short notice
teach me the art of paradox
within paradox is truth
and all truth must contain paradox
or it is some feeble truth
unstretched by paradoxes hard edges
like lord vishnu says
i am this
and i am not this
until i can really understand that……
i realise yoga is indeed white magic as crowley said
to get in sync with myself
and then sync that up to the big thing
thats the great work
or dont work at all
your choice
the alleviator dont care
the alleviator impartial
the alleviator meaningless
it hurts to think
to think it hurts
and it feels like a joke
sometimes no hope for a no hoper
no return
spend your time wisely
you will not be re admitted if you leave
cmon alleviator dont play with me
dont give me im too busy
or
cant it weight
dont hand me a second hand second hand
and say
the clock is ticking over
let me see my contract again
i shouldnt have to ask you
shouldnt have to use all my persuasion
then find out you were gone
all the time
in this midnight blue
like a blurry lamp in a fog
hemmed in some cockpit
racing towards me
atmospheric friction burning you up
pulling us apart
alleviator in your birthday soot
in your decorated austerity
in your silted dream and river eyes
in your car pulled by swans
in your doublesex n third eyes
holy mouth whispering pure filth
angled and finely wrought
like mithril or crushed diamonds
alleviator fill my poem with words you have chosen yourself
alleviator be me
alleviator come back soon
alleviator here i am
alleviator listen now
its high time in the low lands
they are flooded with droughts
things aint gonna get better neither
alleviator can you look into it
wish me success then
wave me on thru the barrier
stay till im gone
until they turn off the lights at least
and the little crowd have filtered out
into the misty night
the marine city
everlasting until now

winter falls into darkness
the silent worm in its lair
the mortals with a crush on life
the oozing of my thoughts
crackle of bones and fire
crawling feeling of nothing
bang!
and then
smoke
some kind of forest
snow
snow?
something moves
black icy water
something huge
the others
harpoon ray
white cloaked
stab!
residue
blackened underneath
not again
not again
not again
the thing endures
the huge dark thing is in my mind
who is me
who is the monster
they strike hard
a piercing shriek is heard
the viper is contained for a moment
the hooks falter
the ropes unravel
its free they scream
a lunge
damaged exhausted
griffin lamb
morsel offering
blade embedded deep
the beast struggles
primitive future now
its now
i rush to the dying beast
why did you do this i scream at them
them who are me
them in here
the they in me
i who are us
why why why
ha ha ha
they intuit for they do not speak
this thing is an abomination
nothing deserves to die like this say i
yes yes yes they cry
cancelled evening
no stars there
what will you do to me i ask
nothing they think
you will be nothing
no thing
a thing no more more or less no
no no no
never either
never to be this thing again
this thing you loved
this lovely thing
my monster and now my life
the life only i could live
alive whilst still alive
buried dead tired
stop now
youre making me sad said the beast as it died
and its tears turned into blessings
that flew up and became the new stars
and they said these stars are not for your eyes
and the others shot the blessings from the sky
who fell in flames upon the distant horizon
and when the world was again dark
they said come with us
where? i said
not where
when
now?
i said
they said
then

soon
will drive to ayer port
pick up fambley
back from 5 weeks in the u.s.
will the bumper still reco nize her daddy
will the doodles be happy to be home
its saying on internet the plane is half an hour late
but i guess i should go
just in case
i’ll have a smoothie at puerto for brekky
i’ll take my book n read (neverwhere by n gaiman)
four girls now
and 2 coming in july
i wish there was one other bloke involved in this…
its too late to have a son…..
oh well
you gotta play the hand thats dealt ya
six queens n an olde joker
does that beat a full house?

and then one of white hippy moses disciples
said
oh mangey panther
i have a question that troubles my heart
and white hippy moses
turned
and saw it was bon bon who had asked
speak up childe
if i can i will answer you
and bon bon spoke with trembling voice
oh wise guy
he said
how does one make love stay
and white hippy moses
said ah…..
first you must make friends with love
and then you must supply love with every necessity
bathe her precious feet in your scalding tears
make your softened heart her pillow of stars
bring her cloudberries with ambrosia and nepenthe
petition her with music and memories
refine yourself
purify yourself
make yourself worthy in her house
speak soft and just words
be a man of peace and light
wear simple garments
do not be afraid to be naked in her presence
reveal yourself as you hope she would be revealed
leave your jealousy behind for love has many lovers
bring love your truth and honour
bring love your finest self decked in joy and laughter
try hard for love, do your best
for love is easily offended
and can depart in a single moment
alas, never to return….

and the people who heard his words
knew they could be true
and all hastened to their own houses
to renew the search for love
sweet sweet love
forever and ever
ah man

this is so easy for me
everywhere i wanted to be
being in time
being in love
surrounded by the stars
enabled
willing at last and forever
5 daughters of my flesh
to carry on
the work
the great work
however they see fit
and somebody in the crowd, a baker
called out
what is the great work, white hippy moses?
tell us that we may share in it…
to change yourself
you are the canvas
you are the instruments
you are the hammers n nails
grow greater than you are
make mistakes n get up
thrive
revitalise
be resilient
be sient
listen!
who is whispering to you
deep deep deep down
so still
the water drip drop drip
air filled with soft humming
underground
blessed darkness
aware from the suns glare
blind transparent fish in black water
common darkness we all share
whence we come thither we go
vibrating the lords sacred names on my tongue
spitting foul blasphemies
do not enter until you are certain
when you open that dorr….
that door you have travelled towards
all your life
go through
turn back
what does white hippy moses care
only everything