The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

i love you guys
thanks for your warm n heartfelt encouragements
i appreciate yer kind words
n i feel like a fool (again)
and mr van go has some good points
about being happy to play to anyone at all
and
as a solo artist i am
put me anywhere
and i’ll play
but the church has overheads
we got car rentals
equipment rentals
weve got a small crew to pay
weve got flights n fuel n taxis n tax
weve got hotels n strings n repairs
etc etc etc
it dont run on pure love
unfortunately the logistics of this tour
mean it dont work when we only have small crowds
despite all the goodwill in the world
can ya see that?
it isnt only vanity that makes me crave a slightly larger crowd
i mean i dont wanna be at the enormo dome
but we need around a cuppla hundred just to make ends meet
or we can shrink down
jettison more things
we can all sleep in one hotel room
hell maybe let one of the guitarists go
only have 2 drums on stage
or…
or ya can say
hey
we lasted 27 years
we toured n we toured n we toured
we did it
no one lasts forever
maybe it really is time to not tour
and its all very well playing the “big” cities in uk
but who wanted us?
who was prepared to fork out our guarantee
that we need to not bring down financial ruin
the promoter in hamburg summed it up
“the old people dont come to gigs
the young ones want something new
i couldnt afford to put posters up
because it wouldve cost more than you wouldve made
theres no interest in radio or media
you got no record company anymore
but
i’d put you on again because i like you…”
we cant afford a manager
his cut is our meagre prophet margin
we need one of 4 things
1 a big new act aknowledging as as major influence
2 a big new movie or commercial featuring church song
hopefully not you know what
3 someone covering a song of ours and having a big hit
4 a complete revolution in mass consciousness
as for america
we do slightly better there
but only slightly
only just scraping thru there
hey we’re old
ian hunter said you gotta be a young man you can never grow old
im 5 fuckin 3
yeah yeah i look ok
we all do
but the kids aint interested in 50 year olds n i dont blame em
yet we dont make oldies music
we still have edge n grit n darkness
and most people my age aint interested in that
we are an anomaly
we fall thru the cracks
we are neither one thing or another
we have been made redundant by grunge n britpop n hip hop
n emo n whoever the hell else is up the hit parade tonite
yet we still remain aesthetically superior to these things
the press dont wanna write about us…why would they?
we aint huge like the eagles or depeachy mode
we aint legendary like nick cave
we aint loverly pop like crowded house
we aint populist n sweeping like u2
we’re just the church
our biggest n only hit 20 years ago
twenny years…?
are you kiddin me mister…?
and i wonder why we have fifty in hengelo
which by the way
is a lovely town
the venue was nice
the staff were helpful
and the 49 other people were v. nice
i still rate the dutch as the truly coolest people on earth
except for the occaisional dickweed
by the way
when we did play the hit
marty says that particular idiots dancing to it
made him wanna give up n go n get a real job
im lucky i missed that i guess
i dont resent hengelo
it was a fill in gig
between hamburg n brighton
i just reckon ive done my time on the frontline
i used to get real excited at the thought
of blasting some dark little dive
full of rocknroll
when i was 19…
but now…..
and i dont see the cities i go to
i see a venue n a hotel
i dont get to see many statues n museums
thats why my blogg aint full of culture…
i see the road
and somedays its lovely
a few fellas in a van
the wide open road
a cd pumping
a bit of a laugh or argument
yeah
i’d miss it
miss the camaraderie for sure
but a lot of it is just a numb bum n aching legs
wishing them fucking miles n kilometres away
being nervous at hurtling along in a fragile little body
being tired n lonely n mean n selfish n all the rest
having to be nice
(and i try lord i try)
losing things
breaking things
temper temper olde bean
all the anger n vanity is ill becoming an olde gent such as yerself
go on try n be all things to all people
go on n rock like the son of satan
then come off n be polite while you sign a cd
then be sympathetic when the promoter tells ya
how much dough he lost on ya
n the roadies complain that theyre not getting enuff
to do all the work (and theyre right!)
and yer running as hard as ya can
to stay in the same place
and i miss my fambley
so much
i just missed 3 weeks of the bumpers life…
but look
i aint complaining
i feel comfortable with ya
n im pooring out my heart
im crying on yer soldiers
you know me
i’ll be better tomorrow
and hey
im alive
n im (relatively) healthy
n i do get to play n travel
i aint whingeing to you fiendss
im just telling it how it is…
brighten was great
not amazing
but great
boydie says after
wow killer…the english just get it, dont they?
course they do…
a great audience
lifted my spirits
brighton
love reign o’er me
a day off
a swim in sea but too cold even (embarrassingly) for me
wait till that waters up around yer dick said boydie as he immersed in it
yep
it felt like my family jewels were in the grip
of a powerful red hot vice
and i panicked
n got the fuck outta that dirty sea
(it is scummy…you dirty poms)
and the beach is rocks not sand
(fiendss…it aint like bondi)
brighton is full of mutton dressed as lamb
jaguars n prams n weird modern kids
who i dont understand at all
its sleazy expensive n slightly run down
my hotel is rated 4 star
but in most places it would struggle to get 2
everythings a bit worn out n busted
n shoddy
the desk clerk
some olde campy gent said
if ya dont like it
we provide complaint forms
they are on rolls in your bathrooms
ha ha ha!
outside my window the brown atlantic
across that ocean my darling fambley n missus in dela where?
the “balcony” is a tragic carpet of pigeon droppings n ciggie butts
a single bed….puh lease
no room to do yoga
i have to make do
but hey
im not a pig on the way to a slaughterhouse
its alright being me
i just had such high hopes…..
never mind olde rockah
ya got further than most
you did ok
maybe it is time for a revolution in mass consciousness
whats the time again?
sk brighton april 2007

yeah
thats right
arrived in the motherland
wheres rikki?
have met legendary church fans out the front
people from all over the world
dan from san diego
a guy from italy
etc
tonites gig almost sold out
last nite was only about 50
the smallest crowd we ever played to since 1980
wow
am i humbled now?
i think so
i do wanna give up
sometimes
obviously we cant tour europe again
its too close to the wire
too near the bone
it dont work playing to 50 people
yes im grateful to the 50 there
it coulda been even worse
even so we had some dutch wally yelling out
“play yer hits…thats what we’re paying you for”
thanks pal
you hurt my feelings when i was already down
boo hoo
anyway i did my best
whatever thats worth
not much
i just read a message to anton alfred e newman backstage here
but i cant repeat in case my mothers reading
boom boom
so its nice down here in brighton
home to nicky cave n bob gillespie
neither of whom i presume will be coming tonite
i have been warned not to swim in seweragey sea
yeah…i guess i’ll give it a miss
im feeling lonely n scattered
people talk to me but i cant concentrate
my eyes wander
i m disinterested even in someone
telling me im the best thing since sliced bread
i gotta rethink this whole thing
i gotta quit while im a head
i gotta …
i gotta go
a big blogge 2 morrow i promise
if you thinking of seeing us in london
come…
it really could be the last time
maybe the last time
i dont know
oh no…

hamburg
nice gig
not too many people
thats a shame but we played well
i had some tofu n seitan for dinner
under a lovely tree outside under a warm evening sky
hamburg throbbed along oblivious to my presence
just as it still does now i have left
this travelling can make ya feel real impermanent
some times im unaffected
other times it becomes hard to keep afloat
i saw nothing of hamburg
i did nothing except play n sleep
yoga n xi gong of course
in the warm sun of a german hotel room
at 8 am this smorning
stretch my tired bones out
calm my mind down
i listen to popul vuh hosianna mantra
im listening to it now off my lappy
as i sit sit sit backstage
in hengelo holland
our last continental gig
in a small dutch town
why?
logistics
we dont just randomly lurch about
its supposedly been figured out
availability of venues on certain nights
etc
anyway i feel sad to leave europe proper
not looking forward to you know where
where we fly tomorrow on ryan airways
the wurst in the world that i been on
but theyre cheep, people
and so we get up real early
drive to la dusseldorf where i wish we were playing
fly to uk
drive to brighton
do a soundcheck
dinner
do a gig
have noivous brakedown
commit chop sueyside etc
i really dunno
the future is uncertain
i love the music
but
but but
i dont wanna get on aeroplane
i dont wanna feel exhausted n miffed
standing in queues n lines
today i drove half way from hamburg
traffic on dutch border starts to slow to crawl
roadwork then a roadblock
we talking a big arterial autobahn
friday arvo
all them germans pouring into holland
all them trucks n bikes n tourists n families
all grinds down to standstillion
our 2 lanes become 1 n a half
in our big van i feel like im getting the squeeze put on
between mammoth trucks n steel barrier
then all traffic is slowly diverted into a carpark
everyone on the teeming autobahn
gets filtered thru this carpark
we get waved thru
others in a party stopped searched minutely
dutch cops looking for drugs?
yep or alcohol
or anything you aint sposed to have
within half hour of arriving at giggy
i have been to coffee shop
n purchased jazz smoking materials
thanks i say to red headed dutch girl
who takes me to the shop
no problemsh she says in that strange dutch lilt
i needed to buy shome hashh for myshelf anyway
ok ok
oh its a little strong i must say
peter k procures some absinth
but im unconvinced its the “real deal”
if you think its all frivolity
just remember i did 5 hours in the effing van
flying down the bahn
or grinding to halts
i m writing my blogge
then some kinda dinner
(have no idea how good or what?)
yeah then a soundcheck
then a short lull
then wallop
a gig
boo hoo!

strange life
strange daze indeed
what would i know
yessaday i visit christiana
boy things have changed within copenhagens weed compound
the cops did a big raid n closed down all the stalls
now ya gotta buy it off guys who look kinda nasty n desperate
its still there
but now its more expensive furtive n dangerous
nice work
gee that sure sorted em all out
2 hundred years ago there was no smuggling drugs
you could walk around high on whatever ya liked
there was no customs looking for hashish n opium n coca leaves
you could do whatever ya liked
no one had yet thought to intrude
on this last frontier…mans personal “headspace”
that is, some prick in a government
telling me n you what we can do…
ok its bad for us
let people take their chances the way they do with booze n cigs
booze n cigs killed more people than heroin has or ever probably will
so anyway in the early 1900s
i guess some smart little ratbag in the u.s.
realised they could seriously be able to clamp down
on certain groups…need i say
blacks, the poor, artists, bohemians,libertarians etc
by making dope illegal
ya could bust this lots balls
but your wasp folks would be fine
cos they didnt mostly do drugs
they just drank
anyway
christiana was a shadow of its former self
there was hardly any choice
everyone had same little baggies
100 danska kroner for a cuppla spliffs
bout the same as a 20 in sydney i guess
why is an otherwise law abiding
peace loving man such as myself
forced to consort with crims
jus’ so i can have a smoke
or whatever
cmon leave me alone
lemme decide whats playing in my head
cos i dont dig this “straight” world youve constructed
im too big a goose to fit in yer cage
thats right im a goose
but i aint no chicken
so why are the turkeys dick-tating their alpha male jive
to such personages as ourselves?
no i will choose what i do with mah own brain
even if it means breaking some petty rule
that theyll laugh about in 100 years
just like these days ya cant believe
all that other persecution that gets dished out
and its always these same old guys
these bitter stupid old bastards
deciding which war youll fight
what drugs ya can n cant take
(eg no weed …er have a valium)
because it has been determined
that the need to change consciousness
is only in third place behind foodnshelter and procreation
thats right
i have a god given right to alter my consciousness
it is a deep need within me
i use this change to create the music n words
that are the reason i presume
youre even reading this twaddle
unless youre my mother
in which case she hates drugs
ok
fair enough
she doesnt take them
but she once offered to stop drinking tea
if id stop shooting junket
unfortunately i never took her up
anyway
copenhagen was a good gig
no it was really good
really good on every level
austria was the best so far for me
but c-hagen was still pretty goode
i was talking about “princess” mary of tasmania
n the locals yucked it up beaucoups de ha ha ha
i was straddling n sprawling about
in a vain effort to look exciting
but as someone said
looking like a buddhist ski instructor
or something
anyway good luck to her
hello d’yer come here often…im the fucking prince of denmark, baby!
i mean
thats gotta be a better aphrodizzy-ack
than hi im stanley and im a clerk in the public service from croydon
yeah
howcome no princess ever discovered me
in some bar in sydney
muse: youre never in a bar for a start…
yeah its true i hate bars
except muesli bars with spelt bing-bangs
anyway driven all the way down south in denmark
across on a ferry to deutschland
n now backstage here in the knust club
n writing to ya as we speak
at this very very moment
i had pomme frites on the ferry n watched the propellors go round
on the misty coast of germany
i stood in the sun n fresh air
and the sky n sea both blue…royal blue
and the northern spring is unseasonably warm
its 27 …
but people are determined to enjoy it
hamburg here i am
the most visceral n sordid of germanies cities
but very bohemian
more chaotic
more wild
what you want mister?
they got it here….
whats that?
oh yeah plenty of that too
anyway
thats it for today
sk

minna n her fringe

me n elli

killa rockin them swedies

killa gives sage advice to hungarian rockers

whatta loverly day
we drove over the huge bridge connecting danmark n sverige
oh i love scanda in the spring
arrive at kb in malmo
theres marky s my olde buddy i known nearly 30 count em years
theres martin k my dear olde swedish friend
n sharers of many mis adventures
n therese whos now married…..
theres martin t who i aint seen for years n years
theres signe martys daughter
n then theres 2 certain twillipops
e n a
looking tall n slim n beootyful
(just like big daddy)
we play great
a reasonable size crowd
2 encores
joking around in swedish
the killas gusto re appeared
n i rocked rolled strolled n straddled
bomp bomp bomp went my bass
sing sing sing went my throat
a swede afterwards summed it up
“when i 1st saw you in 1986
youre were just sniffing at it…
now….you let it take you
and you give everything you have”
ah yes
well i’d like to think so
the twillies werent that impressed
but thats the twillies for ya
it was good daddy…but it gave me a headache
see…? no man is a prophet in his own family
nice club
nice place
nice people
minna minny strone came n slept here lassanite
that lazy little devil is still asleep
but i been up fer hours doing my xi gong n yoga
ah….youth…..
well i feel rejuvenated
and ready to rock again
tonite is copenhagen
a short drive away
ah
it aint so badde really
love to veleska …hope its gonna get better
hope andys heart dont break again
hope davy mattison gets that part in nz
hope b bon is looking after the card board box
hope ryan is happy to be back
hey patty 12 string thanks for attempted jazz delivery
i appreciate it even if ya didnt get thru
today legal dope market in christiana denmark
i’ll bee there
for sure
ok
gonna try n post pics soon
sk

dear fiendsss
youll be pleased to know
1 my washing dried( what a saga)
2 my t shirt found
3 about a 100 at gig
4 2 encores
5 today i see them twillie pops
oils well that ends well
but im suffering from a strange crash in mood n energy
no swimming?
no goji juice (i was warned)
whats missing?
be glad to get out of prison like hotel
hooray
another identical one in copenhagen
gee
whiz

at the gig
i chuck all my washing in a machine here
its all black n sopping wet
then we find out the dryer is faulty
it dries for 1 minute n stops
n then has to be jiggered with for another 60 second burst
what will i do with no clothes
n a wet pile of stuff
i seem to have lost my alex grey shirt…
or have i lost my mind
my phone continued to not work
despite visits from different workmen
we have sold virtually almost no tickets tonite
but the venue is a corker with great lites n sound
of course
its denmark baby
they do things properly here
except no one wants to see old aussie rockahs on monday nite
i dont fucking blame em
my get up n go just got up n went
why am i struggling on with this?
i just feel de-feeted
under done
too little too late
i dont blame anyone
maybe myself
but who really knows
rocknroll is a twisting beast
im gonna end up with a loada wet clothes
my glasses are busted
im worn out
just trying to keep track of it all
passports n keys n money n glasses n sunglasses
computers n tickets n directions n bravado
so yeah im sitting here in arhus denmark
getting ready to play
thats gotta bee goode right?
but im ugly n olde n tired n sensitive
n i hadda nuff
hadda nuff
this is too much like hard work for me
what am i gonna do with these wet clothes?
FUCK!

the time being awakes
from a deep troubled sleep
trying to do some impossible task
some mystery achievement
i awake in a small dark room
outside a leaden sky
world drained of colour
then i remember
as far back as my thoughts will go
a town called utrecht
we were a little late hitting stage
but it was good
now no more than a distant set of images
playing n singing
technical troubles
all i ever wantd to see etc….
then find hotel in darkness
check in
try to call fambley but no luck
wanted to talk…never mind…
next day yoga n qi gong in hotel room
big spacious room
lovely bathroom
the sort of bathroom youd look forward
to using every day n night
a powerful stream of hot water
a nice range of bing-bangs for washing etc
thick ole towels
a hare drier
anyway have brekky
the boys from hs7 are down havin a very hearty
(meaty)
brekky
hammy miss pammy
bacony bacon
pressed meaty weaties all speckled with yrchhh!
anyway
my word theyre lovely guys
n a very good band
if you aint seen em yet
you will be surprised
i do wishh however
they could sort out the food
n the ciggies
or they aint gonna be rockin
in 20 years time like yours truly, julie
i mean
cmon
you cant rock on meat n cigs when ya nilly 53
that having beeb said howe ever
your lowly time being has been gorging on euro bread
n euro chockies….totally unvegan, megan
im sorry
at most places i been havin tomato soup n chips
or fries or pomme frites or whatever
predictably and including not swimming
even in this short time
the beings mortal frame has suffered
no exercise
just sitting in cars
like after brekky yessaday
well i had muesli n soy milk
the soy milk i procured for myself from gig last nite
but i also had 3 bread rolls with delishus jammy
i never would eat that at home
in other words im getting fatter again
after five years progress
undone by a weak week or so of chockies bready
n hanging about
or driving
driving the van
when did i sign up for this lark
a hundred n fifty on the auto -barn
jokers in porshies goin past like im standin’ still
the van has little torque
tho it has plenny of talk
sometimes i get stuck overtaking a truck or something
n i become a bottleneck
holding up a thousand of deutschlands most impatient ninnies
who beep n gimme fingers n arms up
as they rocket past
after our olde nag has finally gotten past
yipee!
and sunday nite drivin along
seeing all the happy familys
driving home to warm well appointed houses
in some leafy tolerant suburbia
with veggie restaurants n people who clean up
after their canine friends
and i wish n i dream
if i was livin’ in that flat there
if that bloke there was me walkin’ along
if i was driving that beemer full of kids
if it was me riding along on a bike
holding hands with me girlfriend on her bike
the way they do in holland
anyway
i feel kinda temporary n lonely
driving thru a terrible traffic jam that meant
crawling at 1 k for about 20 ks
and its a manual…..
we stop at first place in denmark
i order chilli burger without meat
they still charge me over 20 aust bucks for it
n a platey of chippy whippies
wow thats nasty even for bondi
we drive n drive
through the gloaming
i get in back pull a blanket round meself
n ipod on
smoke some dutch herbals
but still feel empty lonesome n blue
we arrive in arhus denmark
worst hotel ever
like a network of tiny cells
like a jail cell for not so naughty crims
its suicide hotel
its joyless cheerless
prefabricated
its still a hundred aust bucks a night
everything in here is pale green
my phone didnae werk
i wanted to call nk…
march down to desk
wheres me phone?
gormless clerk: its there
no it aint
gc : yes it is
i go back up
no it aint!
gc : listen im ringing it..hear it ringing
maybe so but its dead at my end
gc: why you want phone?
what? you cheeky rascal….
i wanna call my goode wife
gc : please to use payphone
but i justa arrived ni got no danish crowns
i wanna use the phone in me room
gc :another room then
but i must come with you n i must serve all the other disgruntled
people inevitably gathered here expecting a semblance of accomodation
and instead have found this disgusting shambles of a place
n its hopelessly gormless desk clerk
among them mwp whos trying to park the van
hes arguing with gc
i hang around glaring
i guess he finds me the better bet
than an angry mwp
he starts calling me steve
hes not danish
hes some weird mix of a whole loada things
he speaks a weird soft english
and he starts a little conversation on the way to the room
unfortunately the time being just grunts n shrugs
being uninterested in this banter
he lets me into room with a chuckle
i let you have their room he says almost under his breath
i dont venture to ask who they might be
i hope not mwp n tiare…..
but now i have two singles pushed 2 gether
and no upper bunk bed
(can ya believe it)
pick up the phone says gc
i pick it up
ah …a dial tone
the gc grins
there you go steve he says in his soft voice
im sorry i was so…..ah…..you know…i say
he says yes steve this was my first week on the job
oh i say dismayed
he goes back off to fight mwp
when i pick up phoney to call tho
when i hit 0 for outside line
the phone makes a sound like a prisoner has just escaped
a whoo ooo eee ooo whoo ooo eeee oooo
im just about beside myself now
off i go
marching thru the tv area where hs7 are setting up a smoke screen
back to front desk
where poor man is in deep argy bargy with mwp
who hasnt been able to park van for almost an hour
let alone getting into a room
if they had a picture
of the word “beleaguered”
they should have this dude
anyway i rudely interrupt this argument
it wont dial out
he jumps behind desk
and fumbles with computer
i dont know why steve he says
i march off in a super huff
n then i explode
JESUS FUCKEN CHRIST!
off i go to my room
take off clothes
what can i do
i lay down on the plank of a bed
knock knock
i explode
who the fuck is it? i scream
its him
oh no
i jump up n pull my pants back on
stumble to the door
“i just want to say i dont know why n i am sorry steve”
great i say
you got me outta bed for that?
(remember it was 2 a.m. n i’d driven 12 hours)
can i call your wife for you in america he asks
no i say
just go away n have a good night …
i imagine him ringing nk would give her a fright
hello…in his soft voice
please hello is this steves wife…? in america?
no itd blow her mind
i gotta do something about this phone tho
boy i hope hes gone home by now…
i started likin’ him n then i couldnt be so angry
ha!
i need to call twillies re arrangements for sweden 2morrow
tonite its arhus
a completely unknown quantity
we’re doing ok in copenhagen
but malmo aint sold many tix
i have no idea what we could mean up here
its a gamble
as per bloody usual

who knows
who knows
anything
not me
where are you
in breakfast room amsta hotel
how was the gig
good
good?
good
tired drunk stoned n good good
but not scintillatingly good
just good
in a loud numb rocknroll good
wham bam a lop bam ka boom
sound rushing in my ears like a river
drowning in electronic racket
bass like a rubbery throb boom boom boom
the words
who dealt this hand
sing
poor singer
singer poor
pour it all out
sort it all out
yeah yeah cruising down this shuddering info hiway
posting posting posting
my life……
can you imagine
so tired
im so tired
sleep sleep sleep
stoned n over n out
green genie out of its bottle
the white widow is following me
with the body of shiva
but i get up n do yoga
i eat bread n jam for brekfast
i do qi gong in my narrow cell like room
i squeeze in all the prana i can get
im worn out
need to fade to black
too much life
head heavy
aching head
so many mistakes
i make so many mistakes
always getting it wrong wrong wrong
heavy headaching hangover
eyes photosensitive
the grey holland spring sky dazzles me eyes
the clock on wall goes tick tick never tock
it s noon
another day on erf
another gig to play
2morrow long drive
but tonite
utrecht holland
you gotta love it baby
you gotta let it roll
you gotta thank lord vishnu
for another chance to rock
the most liberal n sensible country on earth
good on ya nederlands
its on
lemme rock
its only natural
soon
i will
rest