The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

good whatever it is wherever you are, ladies n gentlemen
i’d a like to thank the people who subscribe
i’d a like to thank those who made it possible with kind donations
if you cant afford to, dont worry, i thank you too
thanks for the people who sent me stuff
stefandroolin’
the greek princess
people ive lost track of but im still grateful to…
muse: he ended on a preposition
i’d a like to thank the people who stuck by me
thru the long years
thank you
thank you
thank you
its blue and windy in sydney australia
polinski is mixing painkiller
mk should be working on k/k
the church will be back in dec
probably doing a double bill with another band
from the same era
it made sense to do it i guess
we will be starting a new record in nov/dec
maybe doing our own tour jan/feb
jlk n i are cooking up a new scheme
therell be more about that soon
and i think some of ya will be excited about it
i had a great art sale and sold loads of pieces n prints
thank you holly the eek who made it all happen
i am a little distanced from painting at the moment
after a frenetic burst a while back
im working on a commission
and ive stalled
and now
scarlet the woofle
has scribbled all over it in thick grey pastel
which is pretty much how i feel about it too
my art room is a mess again
suitcases guitars n cases stuff everywhere
bits o paper, books,cds
its a warzone
scarlet has wreaked some fuckin’ havoc in there
evie won a prize for public speaking
and an award for” making thoughtful contributions
to class discussions”
go evie starr
aurora the bunny childe mooches along placidly
minna is jumpy tricky and highly strung
she n elli are doing real well at their new school
boyfriends are afoot
parties abound
let the good times roll, twillies
16 is a really special age
i was dreaming and in love the whole time
i discovered t rex and fell in love with bolan
i met my first girlfriend at the library
it was a warm warm late spring night
she had a sister
and it was hard telling them apart
we walked home thru the shops and then the pines
we sat on the steps of my high school
which was opposite her house
she talked about how often she washed her hair
but it could have been poetry for all i cared
everything was new to me
we didnt touch or kiss
but i was succumbing to a new drug
the canberran evening turned magical
all the songs were playing in my head
the evening invited me deeper and deeper
the girl got up and went home
i sat n watched her house for a while
and then i drifted home
floating on a dreamy cloud
just like they said it would be…
before xmas
her family had a party
there were loadsa people there
loud music and alcohol
wow
i had a girlfriend of my own
and i went to parties on hot nights
and stood outside smoking cigarettes
n arguing about music with her other sisters boyfriends
i hung around in the kitchen talking to her brothers
i went down to her bedroom n stole a kiss
boy
i could get used to this
no one from my school was there
(these people were all catholics)
i was free to reinvent myself
as some groovy hipster
as some suburban romeo
it ended at around 2 in the morning
when the parents came back….
oh to relive that party again n again
oh to be 16 n in love for the 1st time
i hope my kids can enjoy it
its indeed a magical time of yer life
n it comes but once
a few times ive driven down my olde school
when im in canberra
theres the house
theres the school
but that evening has long fled
long ago it disappeared n took all traces of itself away
would any of the other people there still remember it?
i doubt it
yet it shaped my life in so many ways
such is its intangible influence on me
a warm happy lovely place i can go in my mind
or when im swimming in the cold pool
or walking down a lonely hard road
i hope you all have some memories like that
i know the teen years can be so hard
but so bloody enchanted too
all my love
steve

dead crabs lay on the bottom of the icebergs pool
the water is cold
uninviting
what am i doing swimming in here today
its grey and windy
the ocean is metallic with white crests appearing
bondi is dull and deserted
just the endless building and renovation
the same olde tiresome characters (like me)
the same olde dips n trips
everything gets on my nerves
my energy ebbs away
even this blog pisses me off
why am i writing it again?
i see some little idiot virus has infested the comments again
i can hardly be bothered squashing it
i see people are having conversations there
after i asked them not to
i see some people do appreciate that im trying to give em
the dark stuff
i write my blog live
and if i feel bad
it all goes in
this is an experiment
im telling you the truth
something has upset the applecart
what is this subtle alteration
that changes everything?
why does everything seem so meaningless suddenly?
yes it must have been the buzzz
wow
or something…
yes ive been going a bit hard lately
its all caught up with me
but im not pleading hard done-by
almost every bad thing
that ever happened to me
was done by
me
well i wanted to feel high
then i had to feel low
i wanted bliss
then i got despair
i wanted out
but i got stuck further in
i wanted to fly
so i had to fall
oh i knew all of this
so long ago
i write my blog
its there for everyone to read
doesnt everyone get sick of themselves sometimes?
im a lot to be sick of…
im incessant
i dont switch off
my songs n words
my bad reviews
my scornful neglect
my anger and my revenge
my guilt
my sense of hopelessness
my delusions of grandeur
my cancerous envy
my smart remarks
my grovelling insincerity
my brutal desire
my wheedling whining whinging ways
my stupid accent
my tedious addictions
my self righteous baloney
yeah
its all going round n round
on the bad days
on the days you dont see me round that much
on the days with dead crabs and squashed cockroaches
the days bills arrive
the days of refusals and overdue accounts
the days that are always slow and heavy
days when no ones home
days when no ones answering
days when theyve run out of the good stuff
and no one’ll lend ya a hundred bucks
and people are trying to find ya
dropping hints
laying on hexes n curses
changing it all around
laughing at me for being a fool
hissing at me for being a villain
clawing at me cos i was somebodys hero
hiding in the shadows n periphery
taking potshots at me
taking down my posters
taking my identity
taking my living out of my hands
black september
tuesday afternoon
minna arrives
nervy n jumpy as she is
shes so lovely to look at
ah thats just narcissism talking
its how you looked at 16 isnt it
now thats long ago
long long ago
in 1970
that was 37 years ago time being
since you were sweet sixteen
with your prince valiant haircut
n yer little blue mazda
all those days n nights that passed
like ripples on a black lake
minna with it all before her
you with it all behind ya
the glory days
the gravy train
the legendary glow of olde times
you never think youll ever be fifty said dad n laughed
now im sitting here with my teenager
i want to get through but i dont know how
a bit like you n me, dad, i suppose
you knew by the time i was ready to talk
itd probably be too late
and now i fear the same thing
everything i say sounds silly to a 16 year olde
be careful
be home early
call me if you need me
yeah yeah dad sure sure
now i got all this advice
no one can listen to it
now i got all these ideas
no ones interested
just when i came good
it all started going bad
when i became honest
i had to let sleeping dogs lie
blah blah blah blah blah
me me me me me
eeny miney meany mo fo
what else?
what else could there be?
funny how you chase one thing
you catch another
but we all knew that
didnt we?
already
nothing new here
but
im just sitting in this feeling trying to figure it out
sinking in the quicksand
emptiness is so frightening
nothingness
nihilism
no reason to be good or bad
no reason to show up or bow out
no reason to write
no reason to comment
no reason to answer my own questions
and the end?
it draws closer
the end of this blog
the end of this day
the end of this life
the end of ends
crawling like a snail
suddenly rushing up on ya
like it did for grant
and johnny lennon
and tyrone power
and ann boleyn
and shakespeare fading away by my age
and nijinsky who burnt brightly n then rotted
and manfred von richtofen who fell out the sky
and all the other dead-uns
thats the ground rushing up to meet ya
thats the edge of the precipice
thats the abyss, buddy
do ya like the way it feels
gonna have to walk that black corridor
gonna have to walk thru that storm
and lose everything again
but i still believe
that
after that
will be
the light

feeling lonesome and down
feeling like a cloud
trying to keep its shape
in a windtorn sky
feeling hemmed in n empty
feeling like hopelessness
colour fades from things
the light paints things bleached white
sea sick as i walk across the kitchen
the ordinary invades
with its symbols of threat
and with such a slight twist
things become sick and bitter
the various precariousnesses
who is underwriting my life
no one
where is sanctuary
nowhere
the monstrously loud clock
the repulsive dead flowers in their vase
the omnipresent bright blue sky
marks
chips
cracks
stains
lines
wrinkles
holes
ruin
rot
the spiders hang motionless
nothing works properly
the short cuts out long
the tea breaks broken
butter in the sun yellow ooze
faintly feeling movement
as if earth is trembling
as if everything is shifting
the flaws caving in
the collapse of the system
ugliness just about everything
ratchets whirr, hammers striking
inhumane machines tearing into our earth
its madness
i tell you
the sun will explode into darkness
the moon will crash down
people will drown in fire
the scalding oceans shall erupt
and its dark secrets will come up
on the dry land
driven on towards the cities
devouring hope and glory
the shriek of the wind
the laughter in the thunder
the hand that aims the bolt
god is unleashed
his name is chaos
expect the same mercy
as you yourself have shown
but thats….none
youve known its always been out there
an insane agony
a hideous energy
dogging our steps
monkeying in our plans
wolfing down our days
a vile thing
the last bad thing before you get to the good
a blasphemous filthy angel
a statue of a monster
a fountain inhabited by a snake
little eggs laid inside your scalp
eyeless worms burrow
yes the water burns
the water cannot quench our thirst
the water congeals into colours and wax
the water drips in gelatinous vertigo
the water inside us turns to dust
signals distort and interrupt
i keep dropping out
i keep breaking apart
i keep my hands on the wheel
and it spins n it spins
like all of reality
wants to vomit forth my madness
cast it out of itself
i belonged here
i understood how it all worked
i was up n running
running up that hill
pushing the future up the slope
and then
it ran away
wished away
picking up momentum
sliding headlong
premonition
illusion
feeling
ghost
dream
strange
ok

the futures fireproof
not at all like what i expected
i used to be a singer
a longtimeago
beforethewar
the war to end all wars
which war was it?
i was a singer then
in the mists of time
i sang some songs
then i moved into my new occupation
i review aphrodisiacs
for drugworld.org
i am the foremost aphrodisiac reviewer on earth
cmon you say
an aphrodisiac reviewer?
laugh if you want
it was around 2008
that they invented love-bites
a totally legal a-disiac
i used to write this column everyday
one day i dropped some love-bites
i was literally blown away
what were these new drugs?
who was making em?
the ingredients were fruit n flowers…
i posted an online review
its kinda famous now i guess
you see any idiot can cop a high
but not any idiot can describe it in creative language
i guess i was born to do it
anyway a few days after my first love-bites post
they contact me
would i review their products for them?
ok….
would i test drive aphrodisiacs and report in?
sure, i think i could handle that
the success of love-bites was amazing
my review got reprinted all round the world
suddenly the a-disiac market exploded
and i was its leading voice
next i did a piece on 4bidden froot
4bidden froot is a new fruit only aphrodisiac
fine tuned by new manufacturing procedures
a harmless but powerful aphrodisiac
its motto
makes lovin’ lovely
4bidden froot
what a revelation
people switched their tvs off when that stuff came on the market
people were buying that new sexlife jive
people started getting in the groove again
all those oafs who wouldnt know their libido
from a hole in the ground
all those frumpy frigid femmes hitherto unwanted
4bidden froot turned em all on
oh the pleasures to be found in flesh
and there was i
at the leading edge of the pleasuremarket
being flown around the world
testing and reviewing a-disiacs
now being finely tuned homeopathically
a tiny dose of lavender oil
a micron of lime
a tiny tiny amount of ginger
oh
you could lose yourself in love
people were foundering in their unanswerable lust
to sink into desire deeper deeper deeper
love comes unbidden all the time
my friend and i drift round this house
she lazily reaches for me
i stand back and watch
i stand back n watch my heaving back
i float up to the ceiling
and i watch the birds in the sky
my veins all open and are flushed with blood
my pupils are huge
i take everything in
and i see love as an art to be mastered
and i see it has its schools of thought
and its history and techniques
so i write n i love
i love n i write
now the lid is off the whole a-disiac thing
what could the govt do?
outlaw roses?
ban orange peel?
make it illegal to possess love?
now love is within reach of everyman
and people are loving it
love
love
love
buy some
try some
4bidden froot, baybee
ha ha

i dunno what to write about tori
she comes on in black wig n horrible clothes
shes touching herself…..there
indeed when she 1st took the stage
she proffered her bum to the audience
who men n women both went crazy
all night long tori was busy gesticulating
hand jiving as she hammered the keys
illustrating the songs with gestures
all of them sexual
toris hand strokes a huge imaginary phallus
tori wanks around
tori touches her bosoms n opens her legs suddenly
she turns around and again offers her ass
she writhes n twitches as she plays the piano
singing a naughty line
n checking out the audience
with an expression thats a cross between
elton john n chrissie amphlett
she is with no doubt an incredible player
make no mistake this woman is brilliant on the keys
the best bits are where it all breaks down
to tori in the upper register
her riffs going round n round
like philip glasses musical phrase-loops
she can sing too
but i quickly got tired of all her “operatic” bits
where she really takes off into the falsetto
the band is good but the drums are mixed too loud
the bass player is mellifluous
the guitarist is quite inventive
tori disappears after a while
n returns in a hideous green shiny outfit
that looks like it was in the bargain bin at st vinnies
and a long straight ginger wig
both wigs go right down to the eyes
covering much of her face
she can certainly play the piano from some different angles
but coming across more as a precocious kid
at her own birthday party
rather than the wild shooting from the hip hi priestess
she might hope for
whats wrong with tori?
the lights are magnificent
the sound is ok for the op house
tori jerks n writhes all the way thru
she does a sorta fairytale 2nd last
nk is rapt
but
but
but
(kate bush comes on pod at this point)
it didnt move me
why?
im asking myself at the time
it just felt like tori was faking it
an incredible performance
but all in aid of what?
of course the audience lapped it up
tho strangely muted sometimes
tori only talks once
and its the olde i love australia bullshit
the kneejerk crowd all cheer
is that all you can really come up with, tori?
in the end i left puzzled
nk thought it was great
afterwards as we walk through the quay
a couple of girls come up n say
what did you think?
it was ok i say
the girls seem surprised
oh really!
no you know…it was good..i mutter
actually i dont know what to think
there were some great moments during the set
but somethings gone wrong for tori
the outfits wigs n movements….WHY?
she was a lot “sexier” before…
if thats what she wants to be
now shes weird
like a rich eccentric auntie might be weird
not necessarily nice weirdness
and talking of rich
150 bucks a ticket
times 2000
times 3 nights
toris pulling in over 600,000 bucks from sydney
shes in a cocoon
no one can tell her shes being ridiculous
just cos you can play the piano
doesnt mean that you cant be silly as well
and thats how i feel about most of it
brilliant yet silly
*
the buzzz
this legal high
made from chocolate, orange, damiana,honey, etc
was
just like the real deal
but better smoother no hangover
a powerful aphrodisiac
dreamy feeling
oh everything feels so good
lasted 4 hours or so
woke up feeling real good
will be heading over to newtown today
for more supplies
as my cafe friend said
like the best bits of cocaine n ecstacy
without the chemicals..
fiendsss this stuff is good
and perfectly legal
i have no idea how they do it
other ingredients include
kanna
l-tyrosine
octpamine
saffron
h20
E10H
the buzzz blew our minds
this is worth checking out
n
dont worry
its legal!

weird note
tori came on ipod just as i was checking the spelling!

hadda loverly burfday etc
elli n minna come to dinner
pastizzzis n salad n birthday cake
drink ruby riccadonna from silver rimmed goblets
today im walkin down my street
a guy i know in cafe game
comes out
oh you should try buzzz
a legal high sold in happy highs newtown
its made from chocolate n honey n bitter orange n saffron
n a few other things
how can that get you high i ask
its like you know how you get a little warm glow
from a chocolate bar he says
yeah i say
he says this is like eating 50 bars of chocolate
somehow intensified into a focussed wallop
ok
i get home
i say come on we’re going to newtown
so we arrive over there
nk buys a new dress
tonite we’re seeing t.amos at the oprah house, sydney austraylia
thats right
weve had our tickets fer munths
personally im not that over excited
tho i must admit last time she was pretty good
a bit to gurlie for me
at the core of it
i do not feel included in her songs
they are sorta about n for women in essence
i admire her talent immensely
while conceding she also owes a huge debt to k.bush
no kate no tori
kate was the 1st in my book
margo smith was the 2nd
her first album is as good as tori in most parts
and it pre-dated her too
anyway
we’ll be watching tori do her thing
apparently she wears a lotta wigs
i cant wait
ooooh wig changes
apparently to play the characters on her record
can you imagine the church all changing their wiggies
for each song
and having our makeup touched up too
anyway
im sure t.amos will be brilliant as per usual
shes an amazing pianist
afterwards
ah
i’ll be test driving buzzz for you
and giving you my verdict tomorrow
well
thats a day in the life of ttb
my day equals your ear
a minute beside you
and its gone
like this song

oh boy
its september 13
1967
its my thirteenth birthday
im into music n im into fashion
and im in to being cool
and im in to not getting punched in the head
and im into floral shirts
and paisley shirts
satin n silk shirts
beatle boots
pinstriped pants
and im becoming aware
the adult world is calling harder
there had been a party at greg mcsomethings house
and this party was different
the parents werent there
and the kids were lying around kissing each other
afterwards everyone thought it had been a great party
oh i wanted a party like that!
join the flock said the invitation
n a picture of some pelicans or something
my parents were not into a buncha kids roaming around
in their house if they werent there
besides it was a small boring house
no good for a party anyway
but our next door neighbour had a garage
where hed had some successful parties (for oldies)
and he kindly offered
we took him up on it
we lived in a cul de sac
and we were # 7
the guy next door should be # 8, right?
wrong
the guy across the street was # 8
and thats what all the invitations said
so all the kids turned up at this confused german guys house
you can imagine this guy answering the door
no there iss no party here
schteven kilbeys house iss over there
pointing at our redbrick box
the kids drift over to our house a little miffed, i’d say
my mother greets these aussie kids at the door
she talking like the queen
no boys and girls the party is next door
the kids all groan n moan
beginning to suspect the stinker of all parties is loomin’
another kid turns up on our doorstep
whats going on ? he asks
kilbey put the wrong address on the invite
dont you even know yer own address kilbey? says someone else
then my mother gives me baby john to hold
im holding baby john
when trip fontaine the coolest prick turns up
he walks in our house
all duded up in his best party clothes
a red epauletted shirt
bone elephant cords
blue black zip up suede boots
he was coming to my party
on the condition that he was gonna get to
kiss whichever girl was on his menu that night
he wasnt there cos he liked me
he was looking for a spare room in which to pash off a chick
he was looking for some dark space n privacy for a little love
for a little love
will there be somewhere for me n kathy to go ?he asks
sure i had assured him
i mean
i needed him there
he lent a certain flare to proceedings
he was hip and he was merciless
anyhow hed arrived and walked in
seeing me nursing baby john who probably
at that very moment
cast up his accounts all over big brother
(ie: he puked up.ed)
eventually all the kids who had deigned to come
had done the 3 way bounce between 8 7 and 9
and we were all in mr dalys garage
well it was sept in canberra and it was freezing cold
the garage was damp and cold
the windows in it fogged up with our breath
there were a few deck chairs n a lawn mower or 2
there were spare car parts and a barbers chair that
went up n down
jan-jan k from across the road
who was younger than my mum n dad
and deemed “with-it”
had on butchers paper
drawn a big hippy offering these plastic flowers
trip fontaine walked straight in n took em
put them back hissed my mother to him
oh the shame
everybody at the party was very disappointed
it was so cold in there
no party atmosphere…
ive felt more partyfeeling in a graveyard
none of the kids really liked me
the girl i’d hoped to kiss
didnt come
and my mum n dad were there
mum talking like the queen
dad talking like a cockney geeza
i open my presents
the kids resent having to get me a present
it means hounding yer parents for money
and then going out n finding something
for some kid
that you didnt like…i mean
you were only there to kiss some girl or boy
in a parentless warm dark house
not to be in a garage on a cold drizzly evening
one kid called bob steery
he thrusts a dollar note in my hand
n says
but youre not worth it!
mum n dad have devised a party game
which consists of someone under a blanket
having shoes on their hands
and sitting up suddenly
frightening the kids n making them laugh
well lemme tell ya
it did neither in spades
the puzzled kids are like
what the fuck is that sposed to be
meanwhile i tried smoking straws
thats right i’d light a paper straw n inhale the smoke
no wonder im so brain damaged now, huh
finally trip fontaine mounted the barbers seat
pulled his girl onto his lap
and began to smooch
also discovering that the chair went up n down
he smooched n went up n down over n over
even this was pathetic however
in this damp quiet non celebration
in a canberran garage in the middle of a cold sept night
trip got up
proclaimed his disgust n exited
the others made their excuses n took off after him
as my mum n dad n me
carried our peanuts n soft drinks back home, next door
dad says
well…
watcha reckon slim?
did the kids enjoy it?
yeah dad
they had a ball

evening my little pigs
listening to sigur rose
have recorded a track today with jorden b
called the coffee song for the church
i did my vocals that is
the musics quite olde
kinda swampy slippery lazy
“and we can laugh at how easy it all is
and we can laugh cos everybodys in showbiz”
nice stuff
gee jorden is a lovely man
calm n clear
good advice
he gently steers me around
perhaps you could do it again steve he says
and you dont mind that he thinks you could do it better
anyway i write it n sing it in about 2 hours
thats long enough
i guess this track may be on itunes with hounds of love
or something
i will finish today with a poem i am about to write
right now
its starting
can you tell where one thing leaves off
and another thing starts?
can you tell where north ends and south begins?
can you feel the inbreath turning to the outbreath?
can you feel the turning of the tide?
can you feel time as it passes away into past?
infant youth man
a tiny tiny cloud can blot out the sun
what if the sun was god?
what if this was a little dream you were having
in an enchanted wood
by a gurgling brook
blossoms floating thru the eternal spring
and youre 16 forever and forever
in love in love in love
and you walk with the spirits of the trees
and you take these dryads as your lovers
and apollo comes down from olympus
and plays his music which none may resist
and drunk on purple wine
you love your days away
the nights are black studded with silver stars
the grecian night
the wine
the love
the marvellous disarray
a grove of trees hide you from the moon
in the distance is summer
on the horizon a mauve velvet evening
in the air is immortal music
filled with transient harmonics
filled with divine drones and flurries
oh arkadia!
oh centaurs and dancers!
oh our glorious procession!
time stops
the moment freezes
or hardens into a solid unchangeable thing
we will remember this
we may forget much
but we will remember this
this love
this wine
this night
for ever

walking up n down buns-wicke street blowing a bone
after the motel man seemed quite antipathetic to the idea
i drift off to times in this city as a childe of les n joyce
these houses on stilts and the wild vegetation
under the house with howard n angela playing
i threw a dart in russells leg
he just stood there looking at me
with “how could you?” in his eyes
he didnt even call out to mum
we go to a swimming pool complex called the oasis
the water in the different pools is freezing
look heres the film of me endlessly jumping off a diving board
dad thinks its funny in reverse
so in this version
after my white freckly body hits the water
and goes under
there is a strange tumescence in the water
and with a great gush
lo the boy appears again
and ascends back up
to land perfectly surefooted back on the diving board
dripping dry suddenly
uncle ralph n auntie stella didnt seem to like me much
they could already see me going bad when i was 6 or 7
auntie stella was an oddity in our midst
an australian………
everyone else was english
sometimes my dad would do funny impressions
of the way she called mum joycie
and couldnt see that (in those days)
you didnt call my mum joycie
any more than youd call me stevie
but thats what (we) australians do
we put an ie or y on the enda yer name
whether you want it or not
it evens up the odds a bit
takes you down a peg or two
anyway brisbane was wild in those days
so amazingly hot
(always there at xmas!)
ralph was an old pal of dads from the british marines
this guy i could imagine in warfare
he seemed like the real deal to me
whereas my dad i found it hard to imagine him
bayonetting the enemy
it wasnt what my dad wanted to do
he wanted to have a cigarette with em
and talk about cars
but uncle ralph
i reckon he was more a warrior type
i could always hear em telling my dad
he was too soft on me
and that i was too cheeky
if only they had known that one day
i’d be back
walking up the main drag smoking a spliff
with a little box that could play 15000 songs
and headphones that cut out the outside noise
and i was listening to it all in random order
and i was getting a sign from my dead friend
via my little music box
and i stopped in to the same night owl shop
n bought raspberry speed
in a funny little can
and the r. speed n the spliff n the yoga i’d just done
and the cold shower i’d just taken
and i saw m the v
and im-ber
wave at me from a bus
and then my song came on my shuffle
a song i did with martin k
and for a moment it all locked in
like 5 lemons coming up in a fruit machine
the planets were aligned
i moved up that hill more like a rubbery youth than olde manne
energy n wherewithal surged in my body
and i dreamed a million wondrous things
which i instantly forgot again
i bought a wheatgrass juice which is liquid light
i turn up eventually at gig
now the judy wright centre
is a lovely venue no matter how you look at it
and its really nice to do yer thing there
i saw linda neil do her new passion club the night before
with tragic mandarin love story as closer
i knew how it looked from audience
i mingled with people
i signed stuff for some very nice people
ranging from young ladies to one woman even older than me
im much more the congenial mature author
than wild abandoned rocker
which is much less stress on ye olde system
and i try to be polite
and i try to focus
its hard sometimes to focus
i just keep drifting off
all the time
i fall out of character easily
you see im not really any one fixed thing
maybe thats true for everyone
but i sense more continuity in other people
than i can feel in my self
i am mercurial in all its good n bad implications
after spending a whole life thinking who i could be
i am at last realising i am just potentials
to be realised by whomever im with
no one gets a full real me
not the church
not my family
not my friends
certainly not my enemies
not strangers either
there is no full real me to be had
personalities rush in to fill a void when it becomes apparent
to one i am a saint
to another a villain
to some a genius
to many a fool
actually most people have never heard of me
and they dont give a tuppenny stuff
but anyway
its weird dealing with the public
i thought i would like it
and then i hated it
and now its ok but weird
pretty girls n ugly oafs
fans n people who want an argument
old ladies n shy young men
who can remain even handed?
can one be good at everything?
can you be a good poet n a gracious stranger?
of course you can
but was charlie baudelaire a nice bloke?
i doubt it
nonetheless
i think at the end of the day
being a nice bloke gonna get you into a heathens heaven
quicker than being an amazing poet
tho the world doth verily need more of both
i do feel like a bit of a dying breed here
the neo renaissance person i guess you could say
or a good all rounder at everything
someone who can maintain a certain aesthetic
thru out different disciplines
a certain thing you can depend on getting
anyway thats my lofty ideal
anyway thats my petty ambition
plus
trying to be reasonable
trying to understand
trying to not let my restless mind
vent its wicked side on somebody vulnerable
trying to ignore outside appearances
(probably the hardest thing for any human to do)
i want to treat everybody the way i would want to be treated
i have also extended that to the animals and the trees
i want to create things that turn people on
just for the sheer sake of it
the creation and the turning on, i mean
poetry has no reason
poetry has no ulterior motive
the iliad is not grinding an axe
illuminations are simply illuminations
a beautiful day has no agenda
a bird in the sky
however beautiful it is
there is no reason for beauty
beauty is magic
you can sift for beauty in poetry
as you might sift for gold
poetry cannot be for money
its hard to fake good poetry
only ern malley could do that
ern malley accidentally wrote in my opinion
the best aust poetry EVER
next year they should get me to do erns entire oevre
set to music i would have composed
itd be a show stopper im sure
one way or another….
anywhey
i dig poetry
i dig looking thru my klimt book with nk
when i got home
wow says sk n nk n the woofle whos also looking
boy that klimt
ooooh oh hes so damn bloody good
every curly line
every flower n womens faces
and ghosts in the ether
and lovers and naked rude ladies
everything screams his trademark genius
a style thats is so blindingly original
yet so hard to see what it is thats doing it exactly
very hard to replicate klimts style cos its elusive
the stuff is fucking unbelievably brilliant
i could never paint like this
but i might be able to capture some of these feelings
with music
let it all cross fertilize
its all permissible in art n music n love
thats it
my message
over n out

now its over
all the stuff gets put away
pack up my unsold merch
say goodbye to the people
lastnite i catch up with bronny l.
who i used to go to school with at bullyneham high
i 1st met her in 1965
bronny was in our legendary debating team
she knew me as a mere boy
then a snakehipped teenage idol/idiot
now finally as a wise old silly fool
so nice to reminisce
bronny is now a prof in academia
oh bronny cant you get me a gig in them hallowed halls
the ivied towers of learning with certain weekly paycheck
last night i do ramble n provvy-dents with jamie h
he did a nice job considering we rehearsed for 5 minuets own-lee
then i play wolfe….
strangely as im up here hanging out with bronny
nk tells me that scarlet was in my room
going thru my drawers
then she comes out with a business card
whats that ?asks nk
bumper proffers her the card
bronwen l: lecturer in womens writing , uni of q
i mean
what were the chances of that happ-ning?
but
if not chance…
what does it signify?
i did a portrait of mr gee nunn
as his parting gift from qpf……he,
who is more dedicated to poetry
than most are dedicated to hot dinners
hes retiring as herr directeur this year
i wonder if theyll ever have back me now?
gee nunn you are a truly wonderful geezer
your g.friend jules is a legend with a great hare cut
rowan d, jovial lovely friend of the arts
jaqueline t from canada, gracious poetess
jamie n erin h, you guys rule the waives
imber n megan for being so nice n for being vegans 4 ever
wil-o who looks younger than hes got a right to
and exudes calm goodwill-o
all the poets n audiences
isolde who i met n who wrote those nice reviews
gen x , whos said she hears im still handsome(very kind)
the tech staff
the lady who made me a lentil patty at the cafe
tyrone n, rockstar in flesh n thought
special mention to raspberry speed
(yes it exists)
my new fave energy drink
nickfiction eat yer heart out cos raspberry speed
puts fucking hairs on yer chest
(not recommended for the ladies)
thanks to my mum n dad
for making me possible
and finally to god
without whom
i would not be the incredibly gifted n charismatic tee beeing
that you all worship
and would hide from the law in a second
thank you
everyone
the partys over
back to my loverly fambley
bumper
that enchanted childe with the real gone eyes
the starr with her strength n her talent
aurora the bunny-o who is my kindest daughter
elli who is sweet sixteen n a chip off the olde blokk
minna my number 1 n very tricky
n
nk who keeps me turned on
blessed with my six girls
the being fades into the airport
finds his seat
and
flies flies flies
somewhere

fiendss everywhere
i love you

sk
x