The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

why?
slowly materialized and grown
we are given life with all its givens
stebe kilvey do this n do that!
you over there do something else…..
but we are still children
we are still amateurs
how we would be frightened
if we stood inside each others brains
even for a moment…
is my blue your blue?
are we even speaking the same language here?
can we trust even one thing that we are told?
what do we agree on?
almost nothing
he said this
she said that
they use to think this
they believed this but you wont
i believed that but now i dont
they think this but we cant
are you seeing eye to eye with anybody here?
i myself wandering around in circles
coming back to the same bit of jungle
i think i recognize a tree
i think i see something i remember
its a fog
its a joke
its all based on the most childish assumptions
its all teetering on the most nasty edge
imagine the unimaginable…oh i forgot…you cant…
neither can i but you dont know that
as i child i thought i hope those groan-ups know what theyre doing
as an a’dolt i hope the children will figure it out
the people who assure you they got the answers
are the most puzzled of all
an idiot in a suit waving a bible around
mister thats a very interpretable document
are you sure you understand its many levels of meaning
or has some other idiot in a suit n bible
programmed you to believe a tiny iota
that suits some other (much richer) idiot
somewhere in a tv station or in a vatican
saying hes got the only game in town
i believe there is no monopoly on the truth
but the truth itself proves constantly variable
we are observers at the scene of an accident
we have different angles heights perspectives motives histories
we change our stories
i was once an insolent teenager raging against old fogeys
now im an old fogey raging against insolent teenagers
how can i trust what i think?
who am i?
no one constant
no one continuous
which bit of me will live on?
which version of me will heaven download?
if youre a widow whos outlived 3 husbands
who will you be married to on the otherside ?
there is no certainty…i’m finally beginning to see it
and the day it all ends it will seem like a dream
thats why that old song goes
merrily merrily merrily merrily
life is but a dream…
the first time i heard that song
i thought wrong!
life is solid dependable logical factual…
but it seems a little shakey n hazy n unreliable to me now
you lose yer fortune
you lose yer family
you lose yer hair or yer health or yer mind
you lose yer bearings
you lose the fucking plot sometimes
cos there is no plot
everyone is a loose cannon
firing wildly into the unknown
our theorems will fail
our proofs will be proved inconclusive
our various protections will always contain a chink
our meanings will be misconstrued
our names will be forgotten
the valid will be invalidated
the “straights” will be bent
the “bohemians” will be shocked straight
communists turn into fascists
lovers turn murderous
are you getting my drift here, steven?
mr kilbey wake up
the plane landed
the show ended
the winner was announced
ages ago
you poking around in a puddle
on the edge of the most wondrous forest
you torturing the angels
you playing in F sharp minor…this tunes in C
why’d you kill them creatures?
werent they entitled to sweet life too?
why’d ya go n use up the earth?
are the guys in charge idiots too?
i miserably suspect it with all my stupid childs heart
we have been misled by greedy donkeys
secret little boy games played by old fogeys
older donkeys chasing secret bigger carrots
hey
you goats have been kidded
hey you sheep on the lam
hey you ass
hey you chicken
but the animals all need their comfort
me too
im a cockroach in a roach motel
dancing on the heads of the stuck down ones
trying to get to the bait
everything i thought i knew was wrong
everything they get me to swallow comes back up
the good guys seem to falter
the bad guys seem to prevail
people pronounce this or that
as if they aint just temporary blips
other idiots dream up ways to manipulate control or confine
your freedom is as fragile as your reality
your mere ability to walk around or read this doggerel
is dependent on tiny valves n tubes n vessels within your flesh
not malfunctioning or becoming blocked
we fill our heads with rubbish
we fill our guts with rubbish
we fill our seas with rubbish
we fill our earth with rubbish
we think
oh it’ll sort itself out
we think
oh it will all end up somewhere
i just trust in the process
i recycle my empty plastic bottles of earthblood
so im doing my part
i voted in the election for the good guys
i was in a walkathon for the gay whales
i subscribed to wilderness society
and i bought a fur coat
i’m totally vegan except for the babies i eat
i read the bible every day
but i cant understand all that old language in it
i cant understand all the symbology in everything..
if its all dependent on interpretation
why anything could mean anything…!?
our houses are built on shaky foundations
our certainty is unfounded
our take may be warped
our information may not be correct
what to do?
i dunno
im just a washed up singer
with the ability to rave on n on
with a never ending stream of random thoughts
plucked out of the ether
and hastily typed out
in a room in a rented house
in nth bondi nsw
the year is 2008
2008 years since some jews n romans had some guy killed
somewhere
a long way away
a long time ago
a guy who most people dont believe even existed
why did they kill him?
i dunno
they killed lotsa people in those days
it didnt take much to get strung up
didnt he say
love is all you need
and
she loves you yeah yeah yeah!
no
that was another guy they got
i guess…
what will it matter in 3008?
which one will they remember then?
beats me
im gonna stop now
my shoulders aching

“only time separates us from the grave”
i wrote that back in 1981
sitting in a cafe in anglesea victoria
my whole life stretching out ahead of me
now today i’ve moved up closer
closer to my turn
the great mystery indeed
houdini promised his wife he would come back to her
show her a secret sign
he never did though
couldnt
wouldnt
shouldnt
or what?
did houdini realise once he was on the otherside
that it is as pointless to make contact
as it is for a university student to visit his old high school
or is it simply that
there is nothing out there
that death is a cessation
the end of everything
not even blackness
like before we are born
its like non existence
its not so bad
actually
i was blissfully unaware all through the witchtrials n WW1
the bubonic plague?
the eruption of vesuvius?
the destruction of the alexandrian library?
nope
i wasnt there
and its nice to suddenly pop up in 1954
all the hard works been done
hey folks it was civilization
all the nasty contagious diseases gone
all the big wars done for a while at least
sk turns up
hangs around for a while
i cant remember anyone explaining death to me
it was just there like winter and tooth decay
if i’d had past lives
i couldnt remember them
but that means almost nothing:
last night as i lay abed dreaming
i couldnt remember my “real” life at all
this one ive led nearly 54 years
and one little dream blotted it out
one little dream concealed my life from my mind
the dream told me i was doing this n that
i couldnt remember steve kilbey
the dream fed me my reality and i swallowed it whole
until i awoke
now the dream is almost concealed from me
in a few hours it will be nothing
never to be recalled again
imagine then the long sleep of death
its power to hide your memories
energy that is you
the essential “i”
i am i am i am
the spirit energy that cannot be burned or crushed or extinguished
in the bhagavad gita (the blessed lords song)
arjuna cannot fight in a war that must be fought
he breaks down and admits to krishna his friend
that he has no stomach for this fight
loathe to kill warriors on the other side who are from his own clan
krishna admonishes his friend and disciple
saying
never was there a time all these kings and soldiers did not exist
never will there be a time when they cease to exist…
he tells arjuna the soul cannot perish
that it merely takes on new clothes and another face
this is what the hindus and also the buddhists believe
it is at the core of their faiths
this tiny chunk of spirit
broken off from the main spirit
(of course i’m talking in broad laymans terms here)
sits in the pineal gland …the third eye…the seat of the soul
interfacing with the body and mind
directing them as a driver directs a car
playing out another part in a huge cosmic play
of course after accepting that
the hindus and the buddhists split
the hindus say the soul becomes refined
eventually ready to go back to god
a personalised god
a huge formless god
paradises
planets of dakinis at your bidding
as a mote of light in gods glorious effulgence
the buddha says
the soul should be extinguished
free from desires causing us to reincarnate
in this vale of tears behind a veil of tears
buddha saw reincarnation as a bus to jump off of
he wanted to break the wheel of eternal return
then the soul could enter nirvana
a permanent cessation
an extinguishment
not being and not not being
isnt it funny
that as a “western christian-like” creature
i fear the void of nothingness like nothing else
yet as a would-be buddhist
i revere this nothingness as a great peaceful sea
a sea i will slip into like a drop slipping into the silver sea
regarding my lives on earth as a tortuous ordeal
i will aspire to this non-being with all my being…
death researchers report tunnels and the whitelight
christ-esque figures greet near dead travellers
husbands n wives n fathers n mothers waiting for them too
feeling of bliss and peace
scientists gleefully dismiss these experiences
as the hallucinations of a dying brain
(all that dmt from the pineal)
heart attack survivors report in minute detail
scenes as they hover over their lifeless bodies
while ambulance men frantically try to revive
some report a choice (should i stay or should i go)
i saw a show on an old man who died in hospital
yeah his quack said
this dude was deader than a doornail for a while
the old guy says
he was released of pain
of restriction
of worry
he rushed down the astral path
the white light blazing ahead
he meets this lovely lovely cosmic geezer
it could have been jesus or someone like him…
this geezer says
go back old timer
go back for a little while longer
no says old bloke
i like this much better out here
go back old codger says jesus
i promised your wife she could have a little more time
you did? says the old guy
its up to you says jesus
the old guy reluctantly lets himself be revived
back to the pain
back to the hospital
he tells the story to his loving wife
thats right she says
i did do a deal with the man
he said i could have you for just another year
and they both were happy

i guess you could conclude a few things here
1 the old guy was hallucinating
2 the old guy was an actor in a tv hoax in attempt to garner ratings
3 the old guy was telling the truth as he saw it
anyway
after all that
i reach no conclusions
i believe in an afterlife
i believe in reincarnation
i sometimes doubt it all too
sometimes im just not believing anything
otherdays i believe everything im told
death..is it really such a bitch?
as bad as life?
what the hell is going on?
wouldnt you like to know?

matt moved out of this universe yesterday at 5 a.m.
his sister held his hand singing him onwards
he was surrounded by his loving family
matt was just 40 years old

you know sometimes
when people die
somebody writes a load of stuff
about what a decent upright lovely person they were
and you think
sure sure…..
well this aint like that!
ive already told you about him
this matt
how he faced the last days of his life so bravely
a couple of months actually
he just lay there only capable of squeezing yer hand at the end
this active dashing wiry geezer
stretched out on a hospital bed
as his family and friends and his partner n her kids
came and visited and smiled and wept
matt was the best friend of my youngest brother john
hes been around since i cant remember
i cant remember even the first time i met him
he was cheeky optimistic and always moving about
i never saw him lying on a couch smoking dope
or sitting around complaining or philosophizing
he was an in the thick of it kind of guy
he did lights for johns band
and when that stopped
he moved on n up into lighting films
and worked on the matrixs and even this new one “australia”
(with our nic n our huge)
i remember sitting in the sauna
while matt told me how he’d been instructed to set up
a big lighting whatsit on the lawn of a heritage building here in syd
it was raining
i wouldnt do that.. matty was warning em
no no no just do it “they” said
so he did
struggled with this thing he didnt wanna do for ages
it kept raining
the stars came out n didnt like the rainy conditions
and went back to their trailers
and the lighting whatsit had sunk into the sodden grass
and “they” were yelling at matty
for ruining the lawn of one of sydneys old stately homes
what happened then ?i asked
and then matty broke into one of his wide hooligan grins
fuck em! he said…i thought i’m getting out of this business
what about nicole n huge ? i asked
yeah…matty laughed…what about em?

he was a kind of ultra realistic fellow
he never said more than he had to
what he said was concise and to the point
he looked like bobby dylan with his hooked nose and curly hair
he had that kind of no bullshit feel dylan has too
a masculine man a mans man a real man
matty would have been a faithful friend
or a formidable enemy
he had not an ounce of fat
and he seemed fighting fit
he seemed like he never changed from 17 to 40…
when he first started having seizures about 6 years ago
he was diagnosed with a tumour
and had surgery and chemo n radio
he never complained or even hinted at feeling sorry for himself
he told ya what was happening with his treatment
in a matter of fact way
he didnt allow you to dwell on the “oh you poor man!” bits
he fucking smiled when i asked him how he could stand all that vomiting
ah ya get used to it he chuckled
matty lost his hair and had a vivid red scar on his head
when my daughter elli had her op
matty sent her a card
“from one cracked nut to another”
i saw matty at the pool and his scalp looked so sore and livid
do you think your hair’ll ever come back ? i asked
matt shrugged
although a bloody handsome guy he didnt give a fuck if it did or not
but it did
i saw him down the pool a few weeks later
blond curly hair coming back through his blasted skull
wow! its coming back and its really thick! i gushed
matty just winked
sometime later i saw him
he had just been given a clean bill of health
no sign of the tumour
he was justifiably elated
he had also been warned that probably
eventually
the stupid accursed tumour would return
and it would kill him
matty lived life with this in mind
he tempered his life in the slightly faster lane
with yoga and always lotsa exercise
he reconnected with an old flame
and was in the process of moving into their new house
when the tumour came back after a couple of years
matty did a year of chemo
more radio
i saw him one last time at the pool
he was in the dressing room
steroids for the treatments made him look puffy
(matt never looked puffy)
his voice had a tremble
and my ringing ears could hardly hear him
good day big fella…. he said
how did ya go? i asked
i could only manage 12 laps he said
he looked a bit demoralised
im going back in he said
that was the last time i saw him outside
outside here
where we walk around and buy food and exercise
and pay bills and make love
outside here
as opposed to jail and hospitals
matty had the op
the tumour turned aggressive
it merely rushed back into the space it had occupied
with a deadly vengeance
matty never went home
he stayed in hospital and waited to die
he took it on the chin
he defied misery
he was a mans man to the end
and now hes on the other side
whatever the fuck it is
i know hes making a good job of it
angels devils or a formless void
matt will handle it with aplomb
i asked him to be there when i go into deaths realm
if its possible i said
he was only handsqueezing at this stage
but he looked in my eyes
squeezed my hand almost imperceptibly
and i knew he would be there
if it was possible….
when my brother told me matt had died yesterday
i was glad that hed finally gotten away
he’d done his gig here on earth
and now he was in a fix you wouldnt wish on yer worst enemy
he was loved in spades
women adored him
men admired him
kids looked up to him
the kinda guy i wish all five of my daughters could marry
a true diamond geezer
a real aussie larrikin spirit
a courageous and humble man
a true friend and boon companion
i cant believe it
goodbye matt
we loved ya so much!
sk april 29, 2008

pinpoint lets in light
who knows?
the inevitable out there waiting
out there somewhere
just like everything
in its place
sequentially discrete
at its proper distance
space between 2 notes
last day of holy days
last chance to repent
i read the skies by movement of the ground
alive in the chrono-rapids
conveyed down times streams
a fork a decision a change
lives end
lives begin
lives spiral away
andromeda rolls over on her stomach
while the red dwarves glimmer on the sidelines
let me watch growls a star as it burns itself away
let me sea says the ocean
let me in cries the outside
let me out screams the interior
complex forces interact
suns meander through human eyes
swirling crimson clouds squeeze out raindrops
grief comes in bursts
the throat aches so terribly
fingers numbly drop
the mirror has aged a hundred years since i last looked
i hide and i hide
no compartments left
i try to build up some layer of protection
the atmosphere flames me up
i re enter too fast
i cannot slow down nor alleviate my terrible momentum
i see the roof of the house
i see birds scatter at the corners of my eyes
i see rust as it eats the cars
i see the traffic snarled in its ambition
i see women putting on their faces
i see women fighting time
i see men weakened by nerves
i see childrens cruel games
i see tunnels in the air through which evil manifests
i see the evolution of morning swelling into night
trespassers whisper as they are detected
lifes got more shocks up its many sleeves
time of matter
matter of time
time n matter n you
half in half out
trying to have your year and live it too
months go sssssss as they zip passed
months unravel around the 13th day
sound blurs
colours decay away
music thrums like a throbbing vein
chattering madness…dont you ever shut up?
baby universe scribbles on the galaxies walls
old planets revolve but have forgotten why
bitter medicines bloom in the starfields
god incarnates in time
god come back here
god we are so fragile
god we are so alone
god i need you now and later
god lemme live for ever
god lemme get everything done
i need rest
i need the rest of my rest
forget all the rest
let me off
let me be
take this cup from my hands
set me down safely
watch over us all
bring calm again
let the panic subside
let sleep do its work
let anaesthesia begin
let forgetfulness in
and
let me breathe
one more breath
one more thought
one more day
one more time
time starting now
now and always
or
just
gone

evie n i go to the icebergs
i run into a guy i owe 300 dollars and its embarassing
i shoulda fixed him up before its just laziness
i know i know he says as i fumble my apology
anytime anytime he says
then im sitting in the sauna when harry comes in
hi harry i mutter
oh i didnt recognize you sitting there booms harry
youre normally making a lot more noise for yourself…
yeah… thanks harry…
i do only 12 laps and run outta steam
evies in the pool and she waits as i get up her end
and she swims underneath me as i go over her
making me me fearful for a kick in the privates
oof! yep…there it is!
we get home and i make pears
then we decide its such a warm perfect day
we’ll go to the most lovely almost secret park in bondi
and we’ll play kubb
a swedish game of throwing batons at wooden pieces…
did i ever tell ya that one day every now n then
these black ants have their own wedding/orgy/mass suicide
well yes
you see
if you think your sexlife is underpar
then grok this
there is only one chick in the whole colony
uh huh the queen herself
so if youre a horny ant then shes the only lady in town
gee how does that work timebeing i hear you ask
its not as bad as you think
cos most of the cats in the colony are neuter
thats correct…neither here nor there
they dont have sex
theyre the workers n the soldiers
there are however some males
ooh look they have wings too
on this one special day
the queen who can fly too
she flings herself naked through the sky
her majesty looking to get laid
the males
those prince consorts
hundreds of em
imagine the conversation between 2 male ants:
hey bill …exciting isnt?
what reg…flying with the queen n stuff?
yeah bill..of course
you know shes only gonna mate with one of us reg?
yeah…i s’pose so…
well look around mate these bleeding thousands of us
yeah youre right bill…nevermind…what you doing after?
after? after reg? there is no fucking after…!
what you mean bill…no after..ha ha (laughs nervously)
reg dont you know….we’re all gonna die today..matey or no matey..
glum silence
*
yes the males all perish
none return to the nest
not even he who got lucky with her maj
anyway all the ants have come out from underground
and theyre a little excited to say the least
its like airforce day and empire day and a sexy tragedy
all in one hit
scarlet kilbey is standing among them
in one black uprush they ascend up her legs
in her sox
in her undies
nipping her white baby groin
biting her pink soft chubby legs
scarlet kilbey goes ballistic
screaming and dancing a weird ants in my pants dance
the game is over before its begun
we think we got em all off
and she starts wailing again
and we find another little bugger biting her for all its worth
the doodles play kubb while we see to scarlet
eves much better than aurora
so shes all mouthy and showing off
while aurora keeps flouncing off in a huff
everybodies going for it
so much for a quiet game
eventually me n nk get to play
(i won resoundingly)
and i became just like eve… all cocky
sigh
sigh
i drive up to blue mountains at 4
in my old falcon, tibor
we drive up into the mountains alone
much roadwork
much police
much argy bargy
i suddenly realise i need a ye olde wee wee
and i drive off main drag into the forest and get lost somehow
i have to retrace my steps out after much panic
i get to katoomba
which i dont particularly care for that much
find the carrington
a huge old hotel where queen vickie once had a bath
(or something)
the people having the wedding are very nice
piercings and tattoos abound
they are all mid thirties
the p.a. isnt very good
there is no stage
i just stand there near a table singing
i start with providence
its all crackling distorted n feeble
this eventually is rectified
while i play n sing
people talk n laugh
kids run around
dinner gets served
(yuck! its bloody steak or something!)
however
the bride n groom and a few of the guests
really love my music so i close my eyes n think of england
i do “let it be me” and a bunch of oldies cheer
i quite enjoy myself even under these far from perfect conditions
daniel is a great groom and longtime fan
he and quite a few others tell me
they grew up listening to me
its nice
im a little shy i guess but these folks are real nice
i am saddened to learn daniels mother died 2 weeks before wedding
they serve me a vegan meal
we do thought that i was over you with daniel singing in mike w/ me
i do milky way for bridal waltz
a good time was had by all
i finish up
i get paid
long boring drive home
listening to some church jams n marvelling
25 minute pieces of music
like entire sides of prog rock albums never released
i almost drift off to sleep a few times
but luckily was jolted back to awareness by some force
come home just after midnite
my wife in the darkness waiting patiently for me
mmmm
goodnight to all

feeling troubled and anxious myself
something not feeling right
worried about money
worried about the future
my ears ring
my teeth in bad shape
winter comes and everything seems a struggle
a million things to do
falling behind further and further
cannot keep up or hope to keep up with it all
red tape to go through
forms to fill in
appointments to keep
look in the mirror…getting old
(you are old!)
falling behind and slacking off with my disciplines
the bad habits and vices dominate
tonight i’m playing at someones wedding
its making me nervous too
i dont want to cock this gig up….
but i imagine that i could
yeah…playing at a wedding…the wedding singer
ha ha
ive done the parties here comes the weddings
actually the truth is i walk away with more money
from these types of gigs
than when i do the blah blah blah lounge in town
so…
i’m all confused
plus
i realise i’m still not “working” working, right?
i should be happy, i guess
but i always wanted more than i ever got
and i s’pose i’m like humanity in that way
anyhow seeing this IS my blog
i can confide that i always thought
something or someone would come along
recognize my “talent”
and somehow i could recover from the heroin days
when i lost everything i had
but
as time goes on n on
i cant see it ever happening
and i’ve become a bit of a jack of all trades
which is alright
in itself
but im not feeling real confident right now
in any way at all
any small wave coming along could sink the ship in fact
i know you all got the same worries as me
and none of this is anything new
nor can i come up with anything sunny today
even tho it is actually sunny outside in sydney
i feel cold broke and on the outside looking in
the inevitable moves in closer
and dreams recede
petty ambitions
petty obstructions
i see complete imbeciles living it large
and im filled with caustic envy and jealousy
i see injustice and evil and hopelessness
and im filled with impotent useless rage
i see this world and i feel nothing ever changes
just like me in microcosm
plagueing myself with the same old stuff
nothing much on the horizon
except more argy-bargy
more wrangling n jostling
more ducking n fuckin’ weaving
this is how it is….
today….
yet we are changeable creatures
there is always hope….we hope
anyhow if you got kids you cant give up
which makes things even harder
you gotta try n put a good face on it
you gotta do your best
and you gotta do whatever you can
you do everything for the children
who grow up move out
and then it all starts all over for them
we are born into red tape and argy-bargy
we get sent to school for an “education”
which really means
programmed to fit into the system
the pre-existing system of civilization
the other beasts dont work so hard as us
they just live life in the moment
yeah
most of em got food n shelter and sex
the things that motivate humans…
but they dont sit in offices to get it
they dont drive trucks for thousands of miles
or dig ditches everyday
or lug boxes or make deliveries
or down mines in the dark
or up some pole fiddling with the wires
consider the dolphins who spend only 10 % of their time
catching fishies
the rest of the time they play and swim and presumably have “fun”
my old man worked 6 days a week his whole life
and he had his “fun” on sunday afternoon..if he had any energy
i used to think we humans had it made
but now im not so sure…
anyway
nothing you can really do about it
even if you recognize it
but….
couldnt it have been more than this?
im not complaining really
i got it easy…i know i know
its just….

i dont believe in war
today is the day australians and new zealanders
celebrate/mourn/remember our fallen countrymen
when i was growing up we were told they were our glorious dead
we were encouraged to believe that war was necessary part of life
and that if the empire called
we should give our lives gladly
im sorry
i never swallowed this propaganda
there is a park near here..the kids play there sometimes
a little monument to the young men
whose lives came to an inglorious end in turkey or europe
during WW1
there is an unusual name mckellar or something
and there are 5 or 6 of them there
some woman lost her father and her brothers and her sons
one after another mown down in some foreign mud somewhere…
can any one here tell me why those MILLIONS of young men died?
for the empire?
for the glory?
for the adventure?
to stop the bloody hun?
to me it seems an incredible inexplicable tragedy
that great war oh what a great war we’re having…
barbed wire
mustard gas
machine guns
dysentry
mud
blood
guts
decay
pain and screaming
firing squads for deserters we now realise were shell-shocked
rah rah rah!
good old lord kitchener and his generals….tally ho
we’ll give em what for eh boys?
keep dodging those bullets for another 4 years
youll get a little medal and maybe a pension
im sorry
i dont believe in war
miserymaker heartbreaker lovetaker
gallipoli, vietnam, crimea, korea
they keep selling us this lie
that war can solve things
that war is the only way
that its manly that its our duty
those young men who lost their lives
all of them
yes they were brave
yes they were courageous
yes they did their duty and made the ultimate sacrifice
but what good did it do?
we fought n fought for a few muddy miles in france
my grandfathers too
it was a lie
that they needed to die
we lied
the enemy lied
the kings horses n men lied
it was gruesome and pointless
in the way we attempt to glorify these dead soldiers
is contained the implication
that to die in some useless war is a worthy end
one can aspire to it…
so next time someone needs some dirtywork done
there will be more young men
to fling against the enemy
while the unscrupulous belligerent cowards
sit safe at home
unconcerned for the lady in bondi who lost every male member
of her family
wanna go to iraq?
saddams got the wmds i hear…
ok all aboard lets go!
cmon dont be slow
no need to wonder why
whoopee
we’re all gonna die!

renaissance man scoops every award!
(warning: this a fantasy, it may contain jokes!)
uh huh
thats right!
steve kilbeys amazing new talk show “renaissance man”
has won every major award in aust television
by harvey farbnuckle ent. reporter sydney morning heresy

steve kilbey was a happy man last night
as he walked away with five gold loogies
his fabulous new abc tv show renaissance man
winning every (in)conceivable prize at the 08 awards night
kilbey resplendent in a flannelette shirt and kmart trackpants
was cheered by his piers
as he peered out and peeked (and peaked ) (maybe piqued)
holding aloft his pangolin statuette
he pledged more bohemian antics for the next seasons blockbluster
tv mogul and tycoon sir roger swindlin’-hogg said:
kilbey is a breath of fresh air in an industry full of plastic lookalike fools
im tired of teethy game-hosts, over earnest female journos
and the boring non-entities like rover or over-the-hills
kilbey is the real thing
writes his own jokes
is as conversant on sumerian sexual customs or incan paper
as he is on pub rock or the footy
he sings he dances he can talk talk talk
hes debonair and everyman at once
a real wit
a real scholar
a real zany crazy baudelaire quoting juggernaut of a tv host…”
amazing special guests: dante, quetzalcoatl, dylan, sam sejavka
the wiggles(who performed excerpts from madame butterfly)
george w bush (who did a duet with kilbey on travel by thought)
tom cruise who told of his great love for remindlessness
and was joined by brad pitt n george clue-knee for an
emotional version of my birthday the moon festival
(with cruise on electric sitar, pitt on vocoder)
ed kuepper was a surprise guest too
chuckling his way through a medley of saints songs
and then joining kyle hand-shandyland
for an emotional tearfilled under the milky way (tonight)
during which both men declared their unswerving belief in kilbey
bring on those sixteenths sobbed the ecstatic brizzie ex-punk
while wollongongs own chubby ordinary yobbo made good kyle said
“kilbey must be convulsive…or not at all!”
the abcs ceo lord edward st. bill was delighted
calling kilbey “a tv phenonomen” and “a diamond geezer”
and promising more funds to be diverted to kilbeys vision
“quite frankly who gives a fuck about sport and news shows
when you got something as scintillating as “renaissance man” “
said the chief
“who cares who won the boring old rugby n election anyway?”
kilbey was celebrating at the g.e.microwave arena
“with a few thousand close friends”
and is reported to be ebullient about his win
“i can hock each of these babies for 500 bucks each” he said
holding a statuette up
as he pigged out on vegan cuisine and sloshed down berry v with jaeger
all 14 of his daughters were there
except petunia
who is studying african bagpipes at yale
kilbey had the final word
“yeah…but my feet and my nose are still FUCKING FREEZING!”

im giving myself a seven
im giving myself a seven for my singing n joking n
personalitying
its weird these tv shows
i am able (ironically) to converse in their lingos
but i’ll never be a believer
yet there i was in the green room
sipping my jaeger n getting nervous
led down behind a curtain
they guess my name
im out
wow
the band starts to play my song
sing sing sing
cant hear voice as well as i want to
but you gotta play on
meet hostess whos (supposed) to be dizzy n mouthy
answer some questions…cant remember em now
laughy laughy laughy
then at the end
(my team won) (go the killer!) (go mangey panther!)
i do my “duet” with female guest
its ok we do it ok
suddenly its over!
that was it …..my assault on showbiz
everybody said i was good
my brother n daughters said good
i ended up at aftershowparty
eating a bowl of minestrone
talking to someone
who didnt realise i was joking
i was saying i wanted my own tv show
called renaissance man
that it would be me in a lonely library
outside a storm lashes the window with rain
a fire burns in the hearth
a golden retriever sits at my feet
a rolled up newspaper in its mouth
i swing round in my chair
dressed in a smoking jacket n cravat
i cradle a pipe in one hand
(sks special smoking blend)
i turn to the camera
i raise an eyebrow
and in my best british upper class accent
(and believe me…i do a jolly good one!)
i say
good eeevening
and welcome to “renaissance man”
the ninny still not realising their leg was being pulled was saying
fuck off now ya talking in an english accent!
oh dear…i really waste my time trying to amuse some people
what else will you talk about ? said the ninny
my world.. i say with a mock expansive gesture
oh yeah whatchya gonna tell my 14 year old then? they said
it wont be for 14 year olds i say…and sighing
such were my attempts at schmoozing..
i chatted briefly with em all
i believe my cheques in the mail
“smaller than you thought too” quips a camera guy
the band thought it was good as well
one of the best shows a bandmember says
hooray for mr showbiz
whooda thunk it
stevie kilbey that olde song n danceman
that quipping quoting singing laughing genie-arse
that avuncular skipping yoga-doing knucklehead
that vague n semi-vegan non-vapid rapid fire old trooper
anyway sit in hotelroom
with minna n john sleeping on in here
at least my kids saw me being a “star” for a minute
at midnight i get in lift
3 people in there
looking at me
they burst out laughing
great show!!!
can we get a picture with ya?
ok
its started…the recognition
next the paparazzi…?
the botox?
the toupe?
the corsets?
yeah..
bring it on!

tonite
despite whatever i said before
im doing the tv show
why?
why not
with my new “one size fits all” persona
my startlingly youthful pizazz for an old geezer
(yoga n veganism)
with humour back on the agenda
with reintroducing myself
as avuncular smart dashing venerable idiot
refugee from the rocknroll wars
trippy stupid eccentric bopping fool
or whatever
a washed up ninny hoping for exposure
who can pinpoint the myriad causes that precipitate an event?
see
im fuckin’ art-ic-u-late too baby
now dont ya forget aint too many articulate rockers
maybe im too fuckin articulate for my own good
cos im not the dumb savage type at all
but perhaps need more of that for balance
anyway
i went to rehearsal
everybodies lovely
everybodies relaxed
the band are very nice
actually theyre very good
the cream i mutter as i greet them
one guy oscillates between guitar n keys so easily
like speaking two languages at once
he sits there nursing the guitar and playing the keys
back n forth in one song
the bass n drums are immaculate in precision n professionalism
a quality i used to despise
but now i start to appreciate it
(DUH!)
theyre friendly geezers
we do my song
they do it nicely authentically
we run thru duet with the female guest
which she chose
a song of grants
not my first choice
but hey im easy going and it sounded ok
so im happy
everybody from tv show is very nice
i know it would be a better read if i was throwing a tanty
but i didnt
rehearsal was smooth sailing
im a vintage performer now
my origins are lost in the mists of time
i come on n do this 27 year old song
its just like the trees outside the window
there he is
some old white bearded fella
still quite trim despite the years
hes on the quiz show
hes singing his song
hes genial n relaxed n approachable
like any 53 year old should be
i write these words for myself
trying to understand who i am
what i do
and
how i can do it better
ive blown my mystique i know
years ago
in so many ways
i am now operating mystiqueless
unless you think my formidable abilities
is mystique in itself
or even just a silly sod
having ‘imself on
a temporary blip
nothing special
still anxious to do a good job though
still wanna sing n be funny n make em want more
isnt that what im sposed to do?
i believe i can do any showbiz thing now
act
sing
entertain
magic tricks
diving off bridges
disappearing into thin air
im gonna be alright
i handle all terrain now
ive just done an hour of yoga n chi gong
im gonna go for walky
im gonna meet my daughters who are down here
at 730 i’ll hit that stage
dazzlingly suave groovy rococco urbane mishmash of coolness
belting out the hits
and making the people chuckle
is that as noble an ambition as transcendence thru art?
maybe not….
but it is an exercise
in doing what you do do well
working within a given framework
and getting the most out
while putting the most in
and making it look easy
easy?
right on!