The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

engage
lock on
COMPLETION SEQUENCE COMMENCING
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painkiller
launching
initializing fix
this be the deep fix baybee
hold it steady
keep a grip on yerself
god said white hippy moses
white hippy moses saying
are you god or a god?
god say nevermind
give man kind painkiller
alleviate mortal agony
BEGINNING PAINKILLER UPTAKE
START INJECTION
give mankind sweet relief
lay it on them man
HOUSTON WE ARE WITLESS
WE ARE ENCOUNTERING TRANSDIMENSIONAL NAUSEA
PAINKILLER TO EARTH WE ARE BECALMED IN SONIC BLISS
william master of space has interpreted the messages from doggie-star
THEY ARE BEGGING FOR PAINKILLER OUT THERE SIR
god says this is your mission
should you choose to except
space is out there waiting son
space needle penetrates song in space
the vein of darkness gives up its starblood
HOUSTON WE ARE UNSTABLE
HMAS PAINKILLER SIR SOS I REPEAT SOS
captains log : DAY 5
behind the veil there is a sea
only entered into chemically
get me kilbey here in fucking person
i cant sir…he’s been all shot up
HOUSTON WE SEEM TO BE SUFFERING BEATIFIC HALLUCINATIONS
good god doctor…how much painkiller has that man had
love missile F 1 11
marine applications
underwater or outerspacer
when you get to the interpenetration…
on these sullen seas
the humble servant of your majesties
KILBEY TO EARTH : send more money
the void aint cheap
HOUSTON TO PAINKILLER : YOUR CAPTAIN IS DEAD
is that what youre suggesting…that i abandon my mission?
no sir…its just that…
well? out with it man!
its just that i lost my virtual virginity to under the milky way sir
CAPTAIN TO ENGINE ROOM : GIVE ME FUCKING EVERYTHING!
for a moment your blood and the painkiller co-mingle
i am i am i am recites the co-pilot the co-pilate
HOUSTON SAYS WASH YOUR HANDS OF KILBEY
in the depths a monster attacked our ship
in the dark heart of oceans space
in shallow pools life was taking shape
monkeys from darwin
painkiller east of eden
and on the 13th day killer created painkiller
and it was good
and he rested
and he said
let there be a crystalline rush
and bee hulled
there was
and white hippy moses was in dialogue with the burning bush
the fire said you will name your fifth daughter scarlet after my hue
the fire said you shall be as a mangy panther to your enemies
the fire said go far from here and give my people a panacea
give them a painkiller!
the thumb increases the pressure
the liquid moves down the barrel
joy is in your sights
ENGINE ROOM TO BRIDGE : valve bouncing in spades, cap’n
a wolfe appears
a filigree diamond filched from a ring
who will win between a wolf and that old panther?
the monster covers us in its tentacles
its huge stinking head rears up to roar in anger
we made the mistake of detonating a dmt harpoon sir
darwin leave that wolfe alone
that christian wolfe, sir?
yes, darwin
and the rosy crucifixion sir?
leave it to banks
HOUSTON : PAINKILLER BURNS LIKE A SPIRIT IN FLAME
i’m dying captain
look homeward angel
forever will last for nothing
file under space travel
AUGMENTING CHORDS BEGIN MINOR 9THS NOW
in next to no-time the mixture charges up your system
it is first felt as weightlessness
it is first experienced as sudden loss
it is first experienced as a sick satisfaction spreading in a warm glow
it is first experienced as a burning feeling at extremities
it is first experienced as an imploding orgasm that steals your heart
it is also experienced as acceleration
a sudden knowledge of nauseating speed
HOUSTON TO PAINKILLER : TOO FAST FOR YOU!!
captain we’re burning up
get me kilbey here , sergeant
i cant sir, i’m sorry…he’s all broken up
he walked through a volcano sir
hes fried
hes blasted
hes only talking to his family
EARTH TO ANYBODY : HELLO?
SOMEBODY IN DEEP SPACE : YES?
GOD : IS THERE ANY REPLY?
god is that you…out here in the black corridor?
yes child
god can i have a painkiller now?
where does it hurt, childe?
here and here and here and….oh! everywhere..
then listen childe
if you love chance-send-ental music
if you love the throb of electrick base
if you desire the sick kick of drum
the cut of guitar
the nostalgic dust of mellotron
the mixed up words the anti-message
the anti-concept the anti-neo
the anti-“straight”
the anti-n-uncle
houston:we have lost our capital letters…mayday heyday mayday
god : and so the weary traveller turns home
good lord doctor use that painkiller man
our boys in the suburbs are screaming in tedium
gods garden was called barbara eden
i am your humble serpent said darwin
jehovahs pick for this week :ITS …….PAINKILLER !
darwin: painkiller
houston: painkiller
dallas : more painkiller
killer: painkiller
polinski: givem some painkiller you swabs!
spaceman powles: painkiller….uh huh
graham lee: let it slide evilly
william master of spacetime: i am your master
shortwave transmission begins here
aliens: painkiller
denizens of parallel universes : painkiller again n again
its official
coming soon
depending on what you mean by soon
muse: do i get a line?
no!

terrible dreams of airports
terrible dreams of saying goodbye n feeling like ive gone mad
restless toss n turn over
terrible dreams of squeezing through tiny holes
and runnin’ from the cops
dreams of time stretched out like a painful ribbon
dreams of crying and missing and impossibility
the killer awakes in a cold grey day on the otherside of Mirror
killers skin dry n cracked like a snake
he howls low and long on the frosty stairs
he prevaricates too much
all the instruments cannot be tuned
all music is discordant on otherside of Mirror
where nightfriends live
unending tasks never fulfilled
unending journeys never taken
cos time runs sideways like crabs
the ocean shrinks from the moon
the moon is seldom seen except on todays
the moon has a gruff voice
the moon with its favourites
the moon with its awful fetishes
the moon with its affected limp
the moon who laughs like a fop
i float uncontrolled towards othersides neptune parade
the shops are all open but the hearts are all closed
the otherside of Mirror has a special on flukes
but i buy a hoax ticket and a packet of paradox lights
the customers have eyes in their hands
the emporium takes you in by osmosis
you buy some products you’ll never use
handing over black money and silver bones
police are everywhere in anterior positions
someone monitors your memories
hidden before your nose in obvious secret
the killer smashes away at the light
he’s trapped in the morning as if in amber
he struggles in spirit mind and body
he’s persecuted like saint dog
the aliens arrive from outer myspace
hounding fiending demanding something unavailable
dont eat me screams our killer
but who would be listening?
the window shoppers seem glassy
the rubber salesman slumps deflated
the sex shop man smiles stiffly
surrounded by wankers reads his t shirt
surrounded by idiots reads the teachers t shirt
surrounded by the stars reads the jailers
surrounded by love reads the terrorists with his 4wds n wmds
surrounded with pain reads the ladies of the night
surround surround surround me reads grant me a favour
killer youve gone mad screams davem whos appeared
he’s been drawn away from his peaceful drawing room dreams
where he listens to ecnaes and loops from inglish evenings
crickets chirrup like sped up 12 str guitars
and owls call in low baritones
from his comfy chair davem feels the killer going under
a tingling vibration permeates davems body
the hairs on his neck stand on ending
blimey he says to mrs m serving the tea
this could be the big one
she gazes in amazement as he slowly dee-materializes
on the otherside of Mirror killer is up to his ego in “straights”
going down slow in an endless swamp of forms and red tape
the taxman holds his head under
the landlady drowns him in rent
the critics lambast him in bile
the carnivores dribble dripping and drip dribble
davem tries to savour the killer
but they stripped the meanings outta his words
they torn the melody outta his songs
back in ingland his wife pumps up the painkiller
davem takes a big hit of it
mainlined into his mainframe and maintained by his mainman
the strains of file under travel emanate from his id-pod
its no use he screams into the inferno
this whole place is breaking up
yes
shiver me timberlakes
the earth itself trembles
the sky recoils
by god …i’m completely immune to pain mutters davem
he wades into the maelstrom
he sees killer going under for the last time
killers face is frozen against the icy waters of oblivion
a long way from the pale young man of 1982
the killers face was lined and tanned and gaunt
his wispy thin hair plastered against his scalp
the years of hard living had sculpted the face with planes n angles
help me he whispered
davem knew what he must do
linked telepathically with his wife back in the real ingland
she had rigged up the output from 1000 id-pods
all playing painkiller at once
the first track outbound restarted
i am iam i am moaned the killer one thousand fold
white hippy moses like an aphid in the roses
muttered davem under his breath syncing up
the force was with him
a thousand basses throbbed in his ventricles
the killers deep resonant voice vibrated throughout his nadis
he plunged in
he wrestled killers demons down
he defeeted the “straights” with veggie sausages
he saw off the taxman with a blast of v.a.t.
thatll teach the bastard he muttered grimly
he dragged the killer out of the marsh
the quicksand of his life
the quick n the deadsand
was he too late?
the killer was barely breathing
davem cradled the noble shapely head
all the painkiller in the world couldnt help
the painkiller…it doesnt work on me…killer gasped
his life was receding in tiny stabs of mellotron playing f major 7th
his life past be four him
his life leading up to now
summon the thousand true fans he seemed to be saying
wasting no time
davem took the sacred microphone from its ornamental box
it was the microphone that killer had used at the venue in 1982
a veritable holy grail among true fans it had never before been tested
do it do it do it kilbeys voice was barely a croak
davem put the microphone to his lips
sing unguarded moment… killer instructed from beyond deaths doorknocker
davem coughed
he calmed himself down
test one two three he said
never mind all that squeaked the killer almost gone
davem focussed
ahem…ok…its so hard finding…
instantly the 1000 true fans of the killer appeared
clutching hundred dollar bills
and paypal receipts
quickly quickly
this is his bank account here said davem indicating a hole in the ground
as each bit of filthy lucre hit the spot
the killers colour returned
eventually he was helped to his feet
and performed an impromptu concert
featuring such favourites as “tormented faucet”
” creosote”
and
“wobble gun boogie”
and even the evergreen ” loada olde tripe”
now practically a jingle in mitrys general store nth bondi….
surrounded by his thousand true fans
killer was cushioned from harsh economic necessity
he basked in their loving glow
he conferred a meddle on davem
for services above n beyond the call of judy it said
then the killer allowed himself a chuckle
life was alright
everything was back to norbal

linjo….my whole family likes that hat
auroras been wearing it and it looks beautiful
im wearing it right now
one loses much heat outta the top of ones head
i learnt that swimming
on a cold day
i’d rather a nice silicone cap
than all the wetsuits in the world
so thank you again…
i see john at pool
now all the hoo-hah has died down
the fact remains that his friend has gone forever
im funny
i never had a best friend
not like that
not one long continuous friendship like john n matts
i could clearly see his deep sorrow today
nothing i could say would change it
today is natalies birthday
i think shes a little disappointed and a little homesick
i should have had everybody have the day off
but i didnt think
it was just business as usual
i went swimmin’ etc
see..im as oafish n clumsy as the next clown
sometimes i dont think….
i ran round bondi junction till i found the only copy of gutter twins
saturnalia
i cant remember the last time i went scrambling round shops
searching for things i couldnt find
i found it in the last lot of “g”s in the last shop
i’d given the chase up almost
i looked through the “g”s
yep
the gnats
the goliath sequence
the gilli-pops
the godlike devils
gumball
oh no
there it was
the last chance
it is fun to try to find things in shops though
the record itself is pretty good
im not totally into lanegan that much
i dig old dullis trip though
i read some reviews on amazon.com
someone said that saturnalia was best record released this century
someone else gave twilight singers first album 2 stars n said it was crap
i read some church reviews
our own tommy tomsen from denmarks been busy
giving out 5* reviews to the church (why thank you)
one guy said he went for a walk when he heard uninvited
other people were arguing over my take on jesus christ
aint it funny though
i think about the guy who hated twilights 1st
saying it was like listening to nothing
i hear it and its like listening to a great fucking record
full of clever poignant words and weird melodies
like a lotta love n thought has gone into it
i read reviews of the church
opinions opinions opinions
ok
i dont write enough about music on here i know
i should rectify that
i should write more of the stuff you wanna read
which im sure is music
after all thats my real job…its true
well tim n i were working on a 17 minute piece th’other day
talk about the churchs own prog rock masterpiece
wow! im gettin’ ahead of myself
i aint even finished the thing yet
lot more words to write n sing
lot more bits of the puzzle to solve
with that long thing sorted out
i have one more piece to do
something called luna which is another strange piece
i heard peters vocal on a piece we all wrote
it was very tuneful and refreshingly simple
some of my things are very wordy n complex
its gonna be a good record!
we are mixing in early june
on painkiller front
polinski called me saying final track mixed n sent on wednesday
then its up to me to figure out how to release it
yep thats right
more decisions i can dilly dally over
i aint even painted the friggin’ cover yet
im doing a contender
its like a playing card king o hearts
(the suicide king)
but with my face
and a marijuana leaf instead of a heart
(DRUGS ARE SO BORING!!!!)
but it isnt finished
but its looking good
maybe i’ll use the vegetalista instead
i dunno
i’ll vacillate till its too late
right here n now
i’d like to apologise to people whove emailed
gmailed
n myspaced me
n i havent replied
i realise im suffering a kind of techno-nervous breakdown
literally the computer is driving me mad
i cant bear more than the hour it takes to write this tripe every day
i am so far behind now it frightens me to begin opening it up
i really cant handle it
i long for old days when there was no net
i could spend 2 hours a day
simply fielding all the mail that i get
some of it important personal n business just being ignored
my tax too i need to sort out
but i cant face it
as it gets further behind
i feel guiltier and it all multiplies itself
aaaargh!
i can never catch up
im sorry
oh yeah listened to shriek soundtrack other day too
yeah youre gonna like that i think
(however wherever n whenever you ever procure one!)
soon simon will start kilbey kennedy n thatll be out as well
a vegan gig coming up in sydney
and something real strange too (but i’ll just be a guest!)
other than that
im trying to paint enuff pics for my xxxhibition
in a small arty town in ohio in joon
so…..
i better go
n do something

inexhaustible fountain
gushing everything from the mysterious source
my memory of memories passed
the secret to all tricks
the graceful one
the explosion of the waters
on the warmest evenings
the twinkling piano i hear it still
on the faintest of breezes perfume lingers
the city shrinks back and the trees scrape its sky
windows all flung open…oh yes!
the birds are singing for me and my gal
the puffy fluffy pinky cloudy clouds just hover there
and aeroplanes fill the sky with the winking red lights
when the moon looks down all beaming and bright
when the cars in the street fade in the night
and the fallen darkness still shines its light
i am waiting waiting
in the arches by ornamental pools
gold scaled carp glide remote and cool
the moon is turning me into a fool
my honey whispers honeyed words
my honey child with her faery ears
my honey child with her hocus pocus too
my sweet thing out on the sweeping scenic lookout
angelfruit peeler
easy enough to sink beneath sleep tonight with you
stay awake whispered the tiny white stars
that monet drew above you
music come forth you declared
and an orchestra struck up loves rhapsody
music yes music
music comes falling from the sky
no human sounds these unearthly strains
no violin was ever bowed could these notes retain
and o’er heaven and earth a great celebration would begin
people rejoice
people sing
people do anything
and angels appeared their hair in flames
with a thousand eyes and a thousand names
signaling the beginning of the games
heralding the new loveliest day
bringing in a gold leaf dawn
a rainbow for my child and i
a soft kiss before we part
and we go

madness threatens me
i know it
i court it
but it cannot take hold
deep inside me
cold stone sober
someone waking up in my memory
someone strong someone good
someone from the olde days
when things were much easier
in a world of pain
my hero incubates numb
he will assume his cloak of deepest dignity
he will guide me forwards
he will see thru my eyes
he will speak in my voice
he will sing my songs in a new loving way
he will show me my path
where is he?
who i was and who i am to be
a real hu-man
i, man who mediates between god and nature
i, man compassionate and resilient
i, man no longer a savage
capable of making right choices
a real clint eastwards
a real matty clyde
dauntless gaunt gun slingin’ sages and wisemen wiseguys
guys who just do it
they dont talk
they dont doubt
they dont second guess every thing
the guys the ladies all love
the guys the children all trust
the guys who take care of business
righteousness and mercy
grace and perseverance
ascetic who disdains luxury
committed to dharma
strong in non violence
except when the evil monsters must be slain
monsters of cowardice and greed and presumption
men addicted to food
weaklings dominated by their bellies and wine
laziness and sloth
vanity must be conquered
spiritual pride will be your undoing
a man must fight to be good
a man must make informed decisions
a man must avoid ignorant companions
a man should have a template
what would christ do?
what would buddha say?
a man must have perspective
a man must learn to listen
a man should love his woman with all his heart
a man must believe in something
i call forth this man who i am not yet
can you change change change at will?
nonetheless i impatiently await him
wherever he is
bubbling under in deep amnesia
i summon him to the surface
i stand in asanas and i feel him stir somewhere
in the power and glory of rock music i ask for response
i look for him in the passage of pastel over paper
i scan the mirror
but he has not arrived
how do you face a void?
with courage
like matt…
a lot of emptiness for people to get thru now
a lot of nothing
a lot of empty pages and empty chairs
we ache for the very thing we cant have
our minds understand but the heart rebels
why dont you, god, rush in to fill this emptiness?
oh god, why is it so hard to find you?
god, i have so many complaints against this world
it could have been paradise
is this then free will?
can i blame thee for the evil that men do?
god why did matt die so soon and like that?
what could have been done or was it ever his fate?
oh god, i beg you for a quick release for myself
you know most of all
i do not have that mans fortitude
his burden was agony yet he bore it with style and smile
his struggle has enriched me beyond even his belief
i am truly humbled
oh and it feels so good
my friend has vanished
but his humanity remains
his big spirit his big heart
this i want
this i covet
can it only be obtained by deep suffering?
then this price is too great…
no wait….
but why must it be so?
so our soul becomes refined
is the suffering necessary to blast away the dross?
good god, we are still your children
please alleviate us of pain and grief
who was this man who passed through our midst?
a bodhisatva
everyman
man of joy and sorrows
you should be proud anyway
this world hurled everything it had and he shrugged
he was connected to something i doubt he could name
my brother says he made a conscious decision to be that way
but i never would have guessed it
sometimes i despair for men
and then men come along like that matt
and then suddenly you realise
but as usual for me
too late
to late
they already shut the gate
you realise your memories of him
that you retained so casually
were nuggets of gold waiting to be discovered
you go back in time
all the times you saw him
how was it you never quite realised that he was…..
something else…
something else again
why dont men of this calibre lead us?
matty would never have bombed civilians or refused asylum
god how sad that the good guys are so rarely in charge
do we need evil so good can exist?
matty was a needle in a haystack
he was a silver lining
he was hope in human flesh
and this was his reward?
there is much in this for me to learn
but i resent it being at the price of a mans life
if you did not intervene then why…..?
but of course
that is none of my business
it is between you and him…
he probably already knows by now
we who grieve for him
while he roams free and splendid
anyway
he certainly surprised my jaded sensibilities
beyond new age dribble
beyond fashion or society
beyond any religion or doctrine
beyond despair almost
the man simply just was
he just was good
he was born good and he got better
listen to me now
oh ive met clever men
ive met talented charismatic men
ive met iggy pop and ive met tom verlaine
ive met geniuses and oddballs
ive met great musicians and cool friends
ive met rich guys with tons of cocaine
ive met promoters and writers and film makers
ive met guys i liked n disliked
but hardly ever
did i meet anyone really good
good doesnt really announce itself that much
or dress up in fancy colours
it so subtle in this chaos of living
maybe i only ever see it once it has permanently passed
maybe that is real goodness though
a seed planted
the seed itself is destroyed by the tree
the tree becomes strong and bears delicious fruit
virtue as its own reward
your own high standard
a rigourous examination of your accounts
dont remain in shadow
look inwards and wonder
let go let go let go
courage the heart of a lion
non attachment the size of ancient india
even-handessness…steady as she goes
be prepared to say goodbye to any or everything
its gonna happen so you better get ready
cheerfulness is not just an act
we should act optimistically because its simply better that way
the philosophy of the pre-emptive strike
is a self fulfilling prophecy of misery
we should let each other be
work on yourself
change yourself…not others
oh you will fail and fail and fail
i do
but now i try
i try to do what i can
whatever i do
i could never be as good as the real good guys
but i can try
keep trying until the inevitable end
thats life really
in a nutshell
sooner or later your boat will sink
you hope its later
but later aint never
george sang about it in “the art of dying”
nothing in this world that ive been trying
can equal or surpass the art of dying
now he knows for sure and matt too
one day we all will
as it should and apparently must be
it is a paradox that matts agonizing death
points a way towards living a better life
yet the fact remains….
hey matty
its true
upstairs is very pleased with your work

may 2
johnnies birthday
his best mates funeral
last night he and i saw iron man at pictures
as a kid i was a marvel comic fan fanatic
i knew everything
i got my little brothers addicted too
and filled my bedroom and theirs with pictures of
the hulk
the sub-mariner
thor
captain america
and yes
iron man
marvels superheroes were a little weirder than dc comics
they were in colour too
when dc were still in black n white
marvel felt more modern and more my style
eventually the tv show came on in canberra
we sang all the tunes
“doc bruce banner
pelted by gamma rays
turns into the hulk
aint he unglamorous”
“namor, the sub-mariner
is the prince of the deep”
“when captain america throws his mighty shield
all those who oppose his shield then they must yield
with a crash and a bash
and bang and a boom
then the red and and the white
and the blue will come through”
ah sweet naivety…..
so i almost feel compelled to see iron man
on one level
john was so hooked on marvel
he collected a whole collection of em
anyway the film was updated a bit
look to cut a long story short
i enjoyed the film …uncouth yobbo that i am
laughing n cheering as robert downey jr
perfect as the dissolute tony stark
gave a few villains what for
saved a little boys daddy
invented a few impossible gadgets
seduced skeptical female journos
and still discovered he loved his faithful secretary
gwynny pal-trout as pepper potts
jeffy bridges is simply splendid as the wicked obediah
look folks it wasnt citizen cane
but it was a lot more fun
even though i will probably never think of it again..
on the music side of things
i am really giving the twilight singers a good flogging in ipod
i have 2 albums by them
both are obsessively good
greg dulli from new orleans….man he can really sing
and the lyrics are very good too
sneering biting passionate dark n devilish
and some beautiful lines too :
“when darkness falls on summer skin
and in your absence i will begin”
“once i was invisible for all the world to see
i travelled through the ether
on the blood of my enemies”
you can see why i would like that
these 2 records growing on me
and then exploded into my consciousness
so now almost anything else i listen to
the twi singers got it trumped…
the music is really really nice too
yes i know i must go forwards n get gutter twins saturnalia
and back n recheck the afghan whigs
i promise you if you like the church
you would definitely like the twilight singers…
its incredibly intimate one minute
it becomes spooky it becomes voodoo-ey
its sexy and slinky and down and dark
its very new orleans to me
in the shadows and light that flee across these songs
in the strange angry and sad and stoned characters
living behind the words
nk has been heavily digging them too
asking for it to be stuck on her pod
i like both albums as much as the other
powder burns is more powerful than the other
its choruses are beautiful surging emotional blasts
its world is underground n labyrinthian
the other one is more subtle more swampy or something
i tell you verily
there is not one dud song on either record
i dont know anything about em
except mr dulli is a little chubbier these days
than when he starred in a beatle pic as john lennon
(which he makes an ironic allusion to on powder burns)
i see him as fellow traveller
these 2 records are 2 of the best rocknroll records you ever heard
trust me!!
hours n hours of listening pleasure guaranteed
i accord all accolades to the twilight singers
the true spirit of rock lives on
oh i’d love to play bass in this band
wow!
thanks markus s for turning me on to them

soon we going to say goodbye to mc
im gonna sing a song
hope i dont start bawling again like in hosp.
trying to sing with a big lump in my throat
i dont want it to be about me
yet i have to sing (his fambley asked me)
so i wanna sing
but i want people to think about him
not me…
and even as i write these words
i know that they will

more tomorrow

why?
slowly materialized and grown
we are given life with all its givens
stebe kilvey do this n do that!
you over there do something else…..
but we are still children
we are still amateurs
how we would be frightened
if we stood inside each others brains
even for a moment…
is my blue your blue?
are we even speaking the same language here?
can we trust even one thing that we are told?
what do we agree on?
almost nothing
he said this
she said that
they use to think this
they believed this but you wont
i believed that but now i dont
they think this but we cant
are you seeing eye to eye with anybody here?
i myself wandering around in circles
coming back to the same bit of jungle
i think i recognize a tree
i think i see something i remember
its a fog
its a joke
its all based on the most childish assumptions
its all teetering on the most nasty edge
imagine the unimaginable…oh i forgot…you cant…
neither can i but you dont know that
as i child i thought i hope those groan-ups know what theyre doing
as an a’dolt i hope the children will figure it out
the people who assure you they got the answers
are the most puzzled of all
an idiot in a suit waving a bible around
mister thats a very interpretable document
are you sure you understand its many levels of meaning
or has some other idiot in a suit n bible
programmed you to believe a tiny iota
that suits some other (much richer) idiot
somewhere in a tv station or in a vatican
saying hes got the only game in town
i believe there is no monopoly on the truth
but the truth itself proves constantly variable
we are observers at the scene of an accident
we have different angles heights perspectives motives histories
we change our stories
i was once an insolent teenager raging against old fogeys
now im an old fogey raging against insolent teenagers
how can i trust what i think?
who am i?
no one constant
no one continuous
which bit of me will live on?
which version of me will heaven download?
if youre a widow whos outlived 3 husbands
who will you be married to on the otherside ?
there is no certainty…i’m finally beginning to see it
and the day it all ends it will seem like a dream
thats why that old song goes
merrily merrily merrily merrily
life is but a dream…
the first time i heard that song
i thought wrong!
life is solid dependable logical factual…
but it seems a little shakey n hazy n unreliable to me now
you lose yer fortune
you lose yer family
you lose yer hair or yer health or yer mind
you lose yer bearings
you lose the fucking plot sometimes
cos there is no plot
everyone is a loose cannon
firing wildly into the unknown
our theorems will fail
our proofs will be proved inconclusive
our various protections will always contain a chink
our meanings will be misconstrued
our names will be forgotten
the valid will be invalidated
the “straights” will be bent
the “bohemians” will be shocked straight
communists turn into fascists
lovers turn murderous
are you getting my drift here, steven?
mr kilbey wake up
the plane landed
the show ended
the winner was announced
ages ago
you poking around in a puddle
on the edge of the most wondrous forest
you torturing the angels
you playing in F sharp minor…this tunes in C
why’d you kill them creatures?
werent they entitled to sweet life too?
why’d ya go n use up the earth?
are the guys in charge idiots too?
i miserably suspect it with all my stupid childs heart
we have been misled by greedy donkeys
secret little boy games played by old fogeys
older donkeys chasing secret bigger carrots
hey
you goats have been kidded
hey you sheep on the lam
hey you ass
hey you chicken
but the animals all need their comfort
me too
im a cockroach in a roach motel
dancing on the heads of the stuck down ones
trying to get to the bait
everything i thought i knew was wrong
everything they get me to swallow comes back up
the good guys seem to falter
the bad guys seem to prevail
people pronounce this or that
as if they aint just temporary blips
other idiots dream up ways to manipulate control or confine
your freedom is as fragile as your reality
your mere ability to walk around or read this doggerel
is dependent on tiny valves n tubes n vessels within your flesh
not malfunctioning or becoming blocked
we fill our heads with rubbish
we fill our guts with rubbish
we fill our seas with rubbish
we fill our earth with rubbish
we think
oh it’ll sort itself out
we think
oh it will all end up somewhere
i just trust in the process
i recycle my empty plastic bottles of earthblood
so im doing my part
i voted in the election for the good guys
i was in a walkathon for the gay whales
i subscribed to wilderness society
and i bought a fur coat
i’m totally vegan except for the babies i eat
i read the bible every day
but i cant understand all that old language in it
i cant understand all the symbology in everything..
if its all dependent on interpretation
why anything could mean anything…!?
our houses are built on shaky foundations
our certainty is unfounded
our take may be warped
our information may not be correct
what to do?
i dunno
im just a washed up singer
with the ability to rave on n on
with a never ending stream of random thoughts
plucked out of the ether
and hastily typed out
in a room in a rented house
in nth bondi nsw
the year is 2008
2008 years since some jews n romans had some guy killed
somewhere
a long way away
a long time ago
a guy who most people dont believe even existed
why did they kill him?
i dunno
they killed lotsa people in those days
it didnt take much to get strung up
didnt he say
love is all you need
and
she loves you yeah yeah yeah!
no
that was another guy they got
i guess…
what will it matter in 3008?
which one will they remember then?
beats me
im gonna stop now
my shoulders aching

“only time separates us from the grave”
i wrote that back in 1981
sitting in a cafe in anglesea victoria
my whole life stretching out ahead of me
now today i’ve moved up closer
closer to my turn
the great mystery indeed
houdini promised his wife he would come back to her
show her a secret sign
he never did though
couldnt
wouldnt
shouldnt
or what?
did houdini realise once he was on the otherside
that it is as pointless to make contact
as it is for a university student to visit his old high school
or is it simply that
there is nothing out there
that death is a cessation
the end of everything
not even blackness
like before we are born
its like non existence
its not so bad
actually
i was blissfully unaware all through the witchtrials n WW1
the bubonic plague?
the eruption of vesuvius?
the destruction of the alexandrian library?
nope
i wasnt there
and its nice to suddenly pop up in 1954
all the hard works been done
hey folks it was civilization
all the nasty contagious diseases gone
all the big wars done for a while at least
sk turns up
hangs around for a while
i cant remember anyone explaining death to me
it was just there like winter and tooth decay
if i’d had past lives
i couldnt remember them
but that means almost nothing:
last night as i lay abed dreaming
i couldnt remember my “real” life at all
this one ive led nearly 54 years
and one little dream blotted it out
one little dream concealed my life from my mind
the dream told me i was doing this n that
i couldnt remember steve kilbey
the dream fed me my reality and i swallowed it whole
until i awoke
now the dream is almost concealed from me
in a few hours it will be nothing
never to be recalled again
imagine then the long sleep of death
its power to hide your memories
energy that is you
the essential “i”
i am i am i am
the spirit energy that cannot be burned or crushed or extinguished
in the bhagavad gita (the blessed lords song)
arjuna cannot fight in a war that must be fought
he breaks down and admits to krishna his friend
that he has no stomach for this fight
loathe to kill warriors on the other side who are from his own clan
krishna admonishes his friend and disciple
saying
never was there a time all these kings and soldiers did not exist
never will there be a time when they cease to exist…
he tells arjuna the soul cannot perish
that it merely takes on new clothes and another face
this is what the hindus and also the buddhists believe
it is at the core of their faiths
this tiny chunk of spirit
broken off from the main spirit
(of course i’m talking in broad laymans terms here)
sits in the pineal gland …the third eye…the seat of the soul
interfacing with the body and mind
directing them as a driver directs a car
playing out another part in a huge cosmic play
of course after accepting that
the hindus and the buddhists split
the hindus say the soul becomes refined
eventually ready to go back to god
a personalised god
a huge formless god
paradises
planets of dakinis at your bidding
as a mote of light in gods glorious effulgence
the buddha says
the soul should be extinguished
free from desires causing us to reincarnate
in this vale of tears behind a veil of tears
buddha saw reincarnation as a bus to jump off of
he wanted to break the wheel of eternal return
then the soul could enter nirvana
a permanent cessation
an extinguishment
not being and not not being
isnt it funny
that as a “western christian-like” creature
i fear the void of nothingness like nothing else
yet as a would-be buddhist
i revere this nothingness as a great peaceful sea
a sea i will slip into like a drop slipping into the silver sea
regarding my lives on earth as a tortuous ordeal
i will aspire to this non-being with all my being…
death researchers report tunnels and the whitelight
christ-esque figures greet near dead travellers
husbands n wives n fathers n mothers waiting for them too
feeling of bliss and peace
scientists gleefully dismiss these experiences
as the hallucinations of a dying brain
(all that dmt from the pineal)
heart attack survivors report in minute detail
scenes as they hover over their lifeless bodies
while ambulance men frantically try to revive
some report a choice (should i stay or should i go)
i saw a show on an old man who died in hospital
yeah his quack said
this dude was deader than a doornail for a while
the old guy says
he was released of pain
of restriction
of worry
he rushed down the astral path
the white light blazing ahead
he meets this lovely lovely cosmic geezer
it could have been jesus or someone like him…
this geezer says
go back old timer
go back for a little while longer
no says old bloke
i like this much better out here
go back old codger says jesus
i promised your wife she could have a little more time
you did? says the old guy
its up to you says jesus
the old guy reluctantly lets himself be revived
back to the pain
back to the hospital
he tells the story to his loving wife
thats right she says
i did do a deal with the man
he said i could have you for just another year
and they both were happy

i guess you could conclude a few things here
1 the old guy was hallucinating
2 the old guy was an actor in a tv hoax in attempt to garner ratings
3 the old guy was telling the truth as he saw it
anyway
after all that
i reach no conclusions
i believe in an afterlife
i believe in reincarnation
i sometimes doubt it all too
sometimes im just not believing anything
otherdays i believe everything im told
death..is it really such a bitch?
as bad as life?
what the hell is going on?
wouldnt you like to know?

matt moved out of this universe yesterday at 5 a.m.
his sister held his hand singing him onwards
he was surrounded by his loving family
matt was just 40 years old

you know sometimes
when people die
somebody writes a load of stuff
about what a decent upright lovely person they were
and you think
sure sure…..
well this aint like that!
ive already told you about him
this matt
how he faced the last days of his life so bravely
a couple of months actually
he just lay there only capable of squeezing yer hand at the end
this active dashing wiry geezer
stretched out on a hospital bed
as his family and friends and his partner n her kids
came and visited and smiled and wept
matt was the best friend of my youngest brother john
hes been around since i cant remember
i cant remember even the first time i met him
he was cheeky optimistic and always moving about
i never saw him lying on a couch smoking dope
or sitting around complaining or philosophizing
he was an in the thick of it kind of guy
he did lights for johns band
and when that stopped
he moved on n up into lighting films
and worked on the matrixs and even this new one “australia”
(with our nic n our huge)
i remember sitting in the sauna
while matt told me how he’d been instructed to set up
a big lighting whatsit on the lawn of a heritage building here in syd
it was raining
i wouldnt do that.. matty was warning em
no no no just do it “they” said
so he did
struggled with this thing he didnt wanna do for ages
it kept raining
the stars came out n didnt like the rainy conditions
and went back to their trailers
and the lighting whatsit had sunk into the sodden grass
and “they” were yelling at matty
for ruining the lawn of one of sydneys old stately homes
what happened then ?i asked
and then matty broke into one of his wide hooligan grins
fuck em! he said…i thought i’m getting out of this business
what about nicole n huge ? i asked
yeah…matty laughed…what about em?

he was a kind of ultra realistic fellow
he never said more than he had to
what he said was concise and to the point
he looked like bobby dylan with his hooked nose and curly hair
he had that kind of no bullshit feel dylan has too
a masculine man a mans man a real man
matty would have been a faithful friend
or a formidable enemy
he had not an ounce of fat
and he seemed fighting fit
he seemed like he never changed from 17 to 40…
when he first started having seizures about 6 years ago
he was diagnosed with a tumour
and had surgery and chemo n radio
he never complained or even hinted at feeling sorry for himself
he told ya what was happening with his treatment
in a matter of fact way
he didnt allow you to dwell on the “oh you poor man!” bits
he fucking smiled when i asked him how he could stand all that vomiting
ah ya get used to it he chuckled
matty lost his hair and had a vivid red scar on his head
when my daughter elli had her op
matty sent her a card
“from one cracked nut to another”
i saw matty at the pool and his scalp looked so sore and livid
do you think your hair’ll ever come back ? i asked
matt shrugged
although a bloody handsome guy he didnt give a fuck if it did or not
but it did
i saw him down the pool a few weeks later
blond curly hair coming back through his blasted skull
wow! its coming back and its really thick! i gushed
matty just winked
sometime later i saw him
he had just been given a clean bill of health
no sign of the tumour
he was justifiably elated
he had also been warned that probably
eventually
the stupid accursed tumour would return
and it would kill him
matty lived life with this in mind
he tempered his life in the slightly faster lane
with yoga and always lotsa exercise
he reconnected with an old flame
and was in the process of moving into their new house
when the tumour came back after a couple of years
matty did a year of chemo
more radio
i saw him one last time at the pool
he was in the dressing room
steroids for the treatments made him look puffy
(matt never looked puffy)
his voice had a tremble
and my ringing ears could hardly hear him
good day big fella…. he said
how did ya go? i asked
i could only manage 12 laps he said
he looked a bit demoralised
im going back in he said
that was the last time i saw him outside
outside here
where we walk around and buy food and exercise
and pay bills and make love
outside here
as opposed to jail and hospitals
matty had the op
the tumour turned aggressive
it merely rushed back into the space it had occupied
with a deadly vengeance
matty never went home
he stayed in hospital and waited to die
he took it on the chin
he defied misery
he was a mans man to the end
and now hes on the other side
whatever the fuck it is
i know hes making a good job of it
angels devils or a formless void
matt will handle it with aplomb
i asked him to be there when i go into deaths realm
if its possible i said
he was only handsqueezing at this stage
but he looked in my eyes
squeezed my hand almost imperceptibly
and i knew he would be there
if it was possible….
when my brother told me matt had died yesterday
i was glad that hed finally gotten away
he’d done his gig here on earth
and now he was in a fix you wouldnt wish on yer worst enemy
he was loved in spades
women adored him
men admired him
kids looked up to him
the kinda guy i wish all five of my daughters could marry
a true diamond geezer
a real aussie larrikin spirit
a courageous and humble man
a true friend and boon companion
i cant believe it
goodbye matt
we loved ya so much!
sk april 29, 2008

pinpoint lets in light
who knows?
the inevitable out there waiting
out there somewhere
just like everything
in its place
sequentially discrete
at its proper distance
space between 2 notes
last day of holy days
last chance to repent
i read the skies by movement of the ground
alive in the chrono-rapids
conveyed down times streams
a fork a decision a change
lives end
lives begin
lives spiral away
andromeda rolls over on her stomach
while the red dwarves glimmer on the sidelines
let me watch growls a star as it burns itself away
let me sea says the ocean
let me in cries the outside
let me out screams the interior
complex forces interact
suns meander through human eyes
swirling crimson clouds squeeze out raindrops
grief comes in bursts
the throat aches so terribly
fingers numbly drop
the mirror has aged a hundred years since i last looked
i hide and i hide
no compartments left
i try to build up some layer of protection
the atmosphere flames me up
i re enter too fast
i cannot slow down nor alleviate my terrible momentum
i see the roof of the house
i see birds scatter at the corners of my eyes
i see rust as it eats the cars
i see the traffic snarled in its ambition
i see women putting on their faces
i see women fighting time
i see men weakened by nerves
i see childrens cruel games
i see tunnels in the air through which evil manifests
i see the evolution of morning swelling into night
trespassers whisper as they are detected
lifes got more shocks up its many sleeves
time of matter
matter of time
time n matter n you
half in half out
trying to have your year and live it too
months go sssssss as they zip passed
months unravel around the 13th day
sound blurs
colours decay away
music thrums like a throbbing vein
chattering madness…dont you ever shut up?
baby universe scribbles on the galaxies walls
old planets revolve but have forgotten why
bitter medicines bloom in the starfields
god incarnates in time
god come back here
god we are so fragile
god we are so alone
god i need you now and later
god lemme live for ever
god lemme get everything done
i need rest
i need the rest of my rest
forget all the rest
let me off
let me be
take this cup from my hands
set me down safely
watch over us all
bring calm again
let the panic subside
let sleep do its work
let anaesthesia begin
let forgetfulness in
and
let me breathe
one more breath
one more thought
one more day
one more time
time starting now
now and always
or
just
gone