The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

a lot of people are curious about the stuff
theres a lotta books n movies bout the stuff
that give a lotta normal people vicarious thrills
looking in on the naughty world of the stuff
but people never understand the stuff
till theyre in so deep
the stuff aint glamourous or romantic
the stuff aint poetic or literary neither
and it aint jazzy or cool
in fact the stuff is the most embarrassing horrible thing
well ok the honeymoon period
the 1 st time i sniffed the stuff
i loved it
it wasnt what i imagined
it was subtle
i felt detached
my problems felt a long way off
i was wrapped in a delicious sleepy feeling
kinda like after a long day in the country
and then some toasted sandwiches n a warm bath
and you feel real sleepy n dreamy
in fact you felt like a child
and all junkydom pushes you towards acting like a child
selfish stupid child
anyway i didnt get itchy
i didnt vomit
i just felt subtly floaty
nothing spectacular like acid or ecstasy
i just felt…
well…
that it was ok to be me
you see i never really liked myself much
i was vain about myself and egotistical
but i didnt like myself
i was so scared to be alone
to be alone with myself was frightening
but with le stuff du mal
i was happy to sit for hours n hours
pleasantly detached
just thinking these dreamy thoughts
sometimes id drop off to sleep for a few minutes
or a few hours
i could never tell how long
oh and the dreams
you know how in narnia
you spend twenty years there
but when you come back here
its like no time has passed?
well the stuffs like that
inside a beautiful dream
a hundred years may be passing
while the junky sits on yer couch n nods
hes off in a temporary paradise
a soft warm world where no one hurts ya
now listen to this
i never was abused or disadvantaged as a kid
i never was in trouble with the law
my mum n dad were together
in fact i never knew any real pain at all
other than schoolground ridicule
and the slings n arrows of love
so i got into the gear for its anaethetizing property
but there was no great tragedy in my life
i was trying to blot out
i just liked the way it felt
most of the others i ever met
most of em
especially in sweden n at n.a. meetings
they were kids whod been raped beaten ignored
prostituted drunk parents kicked n spat on
they took the gear cos it made them forget
their HORRIFIC childhoods and hence their HORRIFIC lives
and the stuff they had to do to get the gear
i mean fiendss
its 300 bucks a gram in australia
so imagine trying to come up with 2 – 3 hundred bucks
every day!
you can even spend more than that
a lot more
and i did in brief bursts
i was never rich rich
but i had a little
and i blew it all all all
for you see
after about 3 or 4 weeks
of on off on off use
i didnt have any of those fabled withdrawal symptoms
ha ha
was it all a myth like the pot propaganda
well id smoked pot for years n never got hooked on it
ha ha ha
and you know coke
i could take it or leave it
but id rather take it than leave it
but if it wasnt about
i wasnt pawning my grandmother to get it
killer in pawn shop:
how much for the granny?
pawnshop owner appraising her:
mate i’ll give ya 200 hundred, no more
killer:
cmon ive had her in here before for 3 hundred
pawnshop owner:
mate, i already got 3 grannies in the window
killer looks over n 3 old ladies wave back
killer:
ok i’ll take the 2 hundred…
you dont think heroin addiction is funny…?
jesus, its hilarious
the whining whinging junkies and their silly carrying on
its a total comedy
anyway i decided that the stuff wasnt that bad
cos i wasnt getting addicted
you know every so often
i would stop snorting stuff all day long
no
on those “off” days
i’d smoke or eat opium
just for a bit of moderation
just to give myself a rest
and then one day i was walking along
and suddenly i was drenched in cold sweat
i knew this must be something to do with the stuff
i mean from outta nowhere
i was wet from head to foot
awash in a freezing cold sweat
hmmm i thought in some fog
i’ll stop with the stuff n see what happens
this is what happened
the next day after very troubled dreams
i woke up early
the world seemed hyper real and hyper ugly
everything threatened me
or filled me with a vague fear or dismay
i felt so sad n hopeless
the world seemed black
this must be the world of the depressed person
oh pray you never have to visit here
everything hurts you
the sweetest melody
the touch of sunlight
the caress of water
the smell of clean food
everything is gross n disgusting
and my legs ached
and my arms ached
an awful awful awful ache
and my stomach was nauseated in every way
and i couldnt sleep at all anymore
sleep eluded me
and i was left up n alone
thru wee small hours that went on for ever
and all the time i knew that
one little sniff and itd all go away
and sure enough thats what i did
and it did
and then i was hooked
and it went on hooking me in deeper n deeper
and every habit was worse than the last one
yeah i tried to stop
and occaisionally succeeeded in stopping
from time to time
but always enticed back
never could resist a bit more
then i started shooting the stuff
and it all redoubled
the ante was upped
the high was twice as nice
the withdrawal twice as bad
and now we’re talking horror
getting off the gear aint sitting up in bed
with a thermometer in yer mouth reading a magazine
people said its like the flu
jesus i never had a flu that so totally filled me with horror
a flu that put the most vivid nightmarish thoughts in my head
a flu that made me writhe n groan n viciously attack
a flu that makes you rail n roil n squirm n kick
and spew and vomit n cough n sweat n all the rest
too disgusting to go into here
but believe me
its unbearable
and ya just wanna sleep
but uh uh sleep is the last thing on the menu
and after a cuppla days of this
there are very few people who dont say
fuck this!
im getting some dope
and you hobble n limp round to the dealers place
and they laugh as they let ya in
like how naive you were thinking you were
gonna get off again
and ya stand there in their bathroom
looking for a vein
and you catch sight of the wreck in the mirror
and yer filled with pain n ache n nausea
from top to bottom
even my hair hurt n i aint jokin
and then ya get it in
and as the first drop hits yer system
everything is fine
the nausea
the cramps
the depression
the yawning crying freezing shaking idiot
is gone
and there you are
back to normal
standing there
in soaking sweat wet clothes
just having paid a hundred bucks
to feel normal
not great
just back to normal
wow thats a good deal
and so on
and so on
years slip pass
nothing else matters
but avoiding that comedown
you get about 7 or 8 hours
then it starts
you need at a minimum
3 or 4 shots a day
to keep the horrors away
you need a minimum of a hundred bucks a day
you can get by on less but you wont be smiling much
if you get a load of cash somewhere
the stuff can easily increase your tolerance
so you shooting more n feeling it less
i tell ya folks the devil invented this stuff
its tricky malevolent
and its always 3 steps ahead of ya in yer mind
itll make a lying thieving ratbag outta anybody
youll do almost anything to get it
and any reason or honour you thought you possessed
will go up in smoke
youll become a nuisance and a liability
if you ever do get off and out of its grasp
itll be a miracle
its a hard hard slog
ten or so years of trouble n strife
dont do it
dont do it
dont do it

i was thinking
yeah well we all were
but anyway
i was thinking
trying to dive into the dark depths of my mind
some leviathans down there
huge dark things
strange things moving in those depths
how to reach them
to see them
to see all the inaccessible knowledge
whats going on in those rooms i cant get into
whose in there
does my muse live in these rooms
or does she leave me at night and travel to a star
do i remember everything
and are some of these memories
in some storage place in deep mind
all the stuff ya dont really need to remember
but its still there somewhere
i admit to ya my dark shadow
always just outta sight
but threatening
and inducing anxiety
out of thin air
boy when i was getting off the gear
that dark shadow become an omnipresent blackness
now im a moody kinda idiot i guess
and i have a good working knowledge of sadness, melancholia
sweet disappointment even misery and despair
but getting off the gear makes these emotions seem
like elation
i aint talking the physical stuff
im just talking about this total smothering depression
a negative emptiness
until your endorphins start slowly to ooze out
again into yer system
but until then
you aint got the chemistry for feeling good
which is another reason my miraculous and only total contact
with you know Who
is doubly authentic
actually its authenticity is not in doubt
experiences with god
are hyperauthentic
they make this day to day
seem like a faded watercolour of real life
a facsimile transmission of actual life
so chemicaless i was
no serotonin
no endorphs
no fucking nothing
when i would try to walk
my sinews would cry out
my joints would grind merciless on each other
my bones ached from the marrow out
it took me 3 minutes to hobble up stairs
that i would bound up now
but due to regular ingestion of opiates
which were analogs
of these self made drugs
my body had stopped production
and theres a bit of a gap before production starts up again
in my case about 6 weeks before its any more than a trickle
after six weeks of insomnia i reclaimed sleep
one minute at a time
i longed for sleep so much i longed for death
for a chance to get out out of my nausea wracked
bile vomiting
sweating
freezing
boiling
energyless
tired
anxious
depressed
hopeless
an agony a human can only just bear
except for that night i couldnt bear it
and i know i told you about this
but
my prayer was
as i lay down in the surrendering posture
of the child
my prayer was
lord god
they say that you never dish out
more than someone can take
and i cant take this
ive completely fucked up
i cannot manage my life
nor do i feel i can continue on
for one more second in this condition
i implore you now to help me
now i wasnt expecting any real results
actually i was beyond expectations
my rational mind was defeated by the remorseless attack
that junk withdrawals hit me with on all fronts
with no sleep there was no escape from the pain
my fiendss a broken arm in 3 places
and a resetting
are but a pinch
compared to the desolate wasteland of agony
that is withdrawal
thats why all them prostitoots are still out there selling themselves
thats why all them thieves are creeping in n stealing yer dvd player
thats why guys are hocking their guitars n microphones
and then studios n houses
and their families
and then their freedom
because that wasteland of pain takes about six weeks of torture
and after that a hard tedious tiring struggle for a year or so
but lets see
im lying there in exodus in la
on the floor of my tiny room
my room mate is the tall blonde dutch guy
the bass player martine le noble
a truly lovely man trying to stay off the stuff
any way i say to him
its the middle of the night
we both awake
mind if i do some yoga
he says not at all its ok
so i struggle out of bed
to say you have no energy doesnt do justice to this feeling
drained of every bit of power
you are an empty hulk struggling just to move
of course i couldnt do any yoga pose but
the pose of the child
kinda like moslems praying
a position of surrender and suppliance
and i surrendered
sweet surrender baybee
i have never ever surrendered like this
before or since
just rolled over
given in
handed the wheel over
said look
im totally ruined
declared my self bankrupt
now i need you
and i guess
i approached it like a child
calling my parents
sadly bewilderedly beseechingly
i aint going
hey vishnu hey god
if youre there you better appear
lets see what you can do for me now
no no no
and of course
this wasnt happening in these verbal terms i use here
anyway whatever it was
the deep sincerity of my spiritual howl of excruciation
my real human need for help
my submission like a child
something rolled back in my head
and the omnipresent
almost liquid thing that permeates everywhere
it is allowed and welcome to go
but my head had been made that way
and then as a child
it had been sealed up godproof
it was godtight
and god could not flow in
but something i did that night
something that the circumstances were right for
my desperation
my total surrender
this removed the barrier
and god flowed
god filled each junk sick screaming cell
with a shot of healing you couldnt describe
my body felt supple youthful painless
it all disappeared just like it does when ya shoot heroin
but only this time id been off the stuff 3 weeks or so
i hadnt even eaten any thing
i had trouble keeping down a glass of water
i hobbled about in a pair of pyjamas
i didnt even remember who my friends were
when they rang all the way from australia
to see how i was
i was a shadow of my former self
a shadow of a shadow
so i gave in
there was not even a fraction of some ego saying
hey i know what im doing
no
that guy had jumped ship
i mean he started coming back the moment god arrived
and as he filled up the chamber
he squeezed god back out
or god became so bored with his prattle n tripe
that god just upped n left
but i tell ya
when god flowed into me
especially as low as i was
it was real
it was delicious
it was white light
it was warm and opiated
it was an enveloping comfort
it was not elation or euphoria
just a lovely calm feeeling of well being
of satisfaction
of content
there was no doubt that only god could have done this
how else was i suddenly healed
i stood up refreshed
i lay down on my bed
and i drifted off for about half an hour of sleep
and a lucid dream of krsna and i
walking talking
my friends it was BLISS!
but my compartment is sealed over now
i mean i still believe in god
but i havent succeeded in getting it to flow
its a subtle arcane n ancient art
a bit like astral travel
or mind reading
or levitation
we all have the ability
some more than others
but the art itself is hard to master
easy to become dejected
takes devotion n dedication
it may take years n years n years
yoga helps
you wonder why i am rejuvenated
why i can really sing now instead of pretend
yoga
and yoga is yoking to god
and qi gong is learning to suck that energy outta the thin air
and meditation is stilling your mind
so it can hear something else whispering
so you could say i dont believe in god
i actually had an experience so now i know
god flowed baby god flowed
soothing forgiving embracing
this god who filled me could never be angry
and i knew i wasnt getting the full thing
i mean he wasnt giving me the total fill
he was just healing me a little
coming to my side during a dark night when i was troubled
i didnt getting illumination beyond belief
i didnt know the answers
except the ubiquitous “everythings ok”
and baby thats enough
that everythings ok
dont panic
dont get nasty
dont get impatient
everythings alright
and youre ready for god
when you really need god
god ll be there
or i’ ll gladly refund yer subscription

yeah
i played lassa nite at basement
here in syddley
it was ok
i dunno
i musta dmit
that im looking forward to electric again
im a bit acousticked out
glad that europe will be fully electric
we had that lovely singer
inga liljestrom sing with us lassanite
seek out her elk records
or listen to her on hi fi mike
shes got a unique voice
a really warped and warping voice
powerful lyrics
what are you waiting for?
did i see that peter pogcaste has shed a bit of avoirdupois
or is it my dimming eyes?
good work peter!
yeah rocknrolls a funny kettle of beasts
sometimes i think to myself
nevets what are you doing
poncing about
treading the boards
at your age
plucking the bass
and intoning your syllables
a string of syllables attached to vague notes
oscillating at different frequencies
homophonic transmission straight to thy heart
the nature of songs
the way the words n music fill in for each other
how much do ya wanna know about this song
this song of songs
sing songs
work songs
love love love song
and bless your heart
your heart of steel
songs to make it rain
songs like mass in b minor
songs like islands of the dead
songs like vapour trail
songs like kanga roo
songs like scarborough fair
songs have made me what i am
imagine a world silent without song
song you are luxury and necessity
beautiful songs
oh music
heavenly orkestras
angels jammin’
a thousand patti hoods stroking their harps
down below
the devil is grooving with his bass guitar
boom boom bam bam
big fat roundwound strings zing n boom
against the mahogany fretboard
ooh satan see him slur his e into an f and back again
oh watch him slide down n hammer on
be bop blip blap chooga chooga splamm!
and the angels they can hear that deep riff
rumbling deep in the abyss
a hot new underground nightclub
for sinners
and
saints
yeah music everywhere
the rustling leaves
the stormy sea pounds the shore
like a lover hurling itself again n again
cymbal crashes n surges
foamy rush of love
one huge song
a song about the vastness of a drop of water
a song about the minute ocean
about the blackness of space
and the still movement of the stars
yeah
well thats enough
i reckon

kilbey kilbey kilbey
my head is full of myself
get thee behind me
summoned here
why
only a moment ago
i was dreaming i was a man
aeons and atoms
connexion by impulse
i just had to think
and my fingers moved
i was upon a world
such a world existed in gods dream
and he dreamed of a green sea
filled with silver fish
and he dreamed of forests
inhabited by giants
and grey gnomes
and he dreamed
of a great rainbow bridge
and a thunderstorm that raged for years
that snatched birds and flying machines from the air
and dashed them against the mountains
and the people there
called kilbey from his sleep
from his deep sleep
called into their world
a world without proof
no, erase that!
it was the best of all possible worlds
i was happy there
a leap of faith is required
kilbey still asleep somewhere
god dreams of rivers
of stones bubbling in clear water
of kingfishers and weeping willows
horses in the shade
fox cubs in their lair
far seeing owls and tiny brown mice
twitchy rabbits and nervous deer
and jaguars and ocelots and
great diamond backed serpents drinking from pools
mountains full of snow
goji and other medicinal berries
bright against white
angelfruit
such sweet nectar
oh god
how great thou art supplies
god dreaming dreaming dreaming
worlds comets universes
complete down to the tiniest detail
every big n little thing filled with the one life
kilbey is just a mass of bits n pieces
held together by life
and the moment that life is gone
the bits n pieces will return
to the elements
but the life
its gods life
that life
will dream again n again
dreaming that kilbey is on this world
non-pristine world
a suddenly looking used up world
a world of oh such pain
so much so much agoni
so much torture
burning
crucifying
executing
evicting
mourning
burying
crying
everyone there
crying weeping groaning
oh no
will we all die daddy
yes and no
yes and no
yes and no
god keep dreaming
somewhere else they need me
they dont need me here
i dont deserve this
i was asleep in a formless realm
and now
flesh
kilbey dont be sad now
kilbey just be glad now
but but but
now hush now kilbey
we will wait for you
over here
over there
everywhere
why me why me
kilbey you know this answer well
what should i do?
nothing to be done
its been taken care of
kilbey relax now
god is dreaming
we are the wonderful things he dreams
solid as you like
but essentially
potentially
just like you
they are nothing
happy nothing
never just nothing
nothing at all
all at once
once and for all
for all intents n purposes
nothing more
more or less
than
life
and thats
one thing
you just cant buy
(yet)

in the spirit
ha
youre not gonna get any sense outta me tonite
why why why being
ask me not muse
i have travelled n lined up n flown
ive checked out n hung in but not yet cashed up
my room had no towels
so i tell the guy there
he gives me three
i bring one home
its barter system compensation
for my grievance after my shower
or what?
images :
driving thru the weird dry country
thru charming little hamlets (dahlings)
arguing about the name of our new record company
i musta thorta million names
i was saying the bloody street signs in the end
bing bing bypass records i’d hopefully suggest
after some real corkers like illumination records
had been given the thumbs down
um reduce speed records…
i got it
slow records!
no no
wombat mill records…cmon its….!
hours n hours later
every thing that everybody said
had records put on the end
eg
why cant we call it fucked if i know records?
i dunno killa what do you think records?
hey do you know which way it is records?
sorry not me records?
i thought you listened to the guy records
etc etc records
its hard to stop once youve started records
and occaisionally this method does throw up some good ones
but itll just get shouted down in the tumult records
so only do this method by yourself
its not good to let em all in on yer secret source of material
but if ya keep yer eyes n ears truly open, lieblings
then youll find it everywhere
i promise you
yes i do
and i stand by my gold shield starr guarantee
that every blogge of mine is 99% apostrophe free
and i wanted to call the label
* records
yes thats right
* records
cause thats that wily olde time being wriggling out of it
and being enigmatic
with the sorta thing a 5 year old could come up with, right
thats what i am
i have merely retained the five year old
who is constantly amazed at the world around me
me n scarlet walk thru a crowded party full of
bohemian malchicks
hippy yuppies
suntanned goths
pale riders
skatenicks n beatboarders
actors models crazies wouldbees hasneverorwillbes
joe schmoe n his dancing dog jeffree
mr tom tiddlebank the well known sexagenarian
and all these other types
and scarlet as she passes thru them
shes mouthing a silent wow
as i thread my way up in round the party
with her in myarms
like jean simmons in some medieval tearjerker
i focussed in on scarlet
the faces a’blur
shes thinking…..
what is she thinking as she sails thru this sea of faces
well she is enraptured
and her eyes flash n her nostrils flare
as she takes em all in
some of em stop the conversations to talk
to the little creature before them
scarlet looks back at me
a conspiritor
wow she thinks to me
wow
afterwards
we dont stay very long
shes only there 15 minutes or so
shes quite geed up
i could suddenly see her in another life
in the salons of europe
a woman of substance n ambiguous reputation
where does her confidence n assertiveness come from?
at any rate
she was happy to see me as i jumped outta my cab today
oh yes
geelong theatre
wonderful experience
yes it was
g lee played with us again
lovely venue
nice audients
etc
you know the story dont ya
anyway
it was by far the best of the 3
man lane 2 unda rehursed
castle main man
well
it was just too out there
but i loved it nevertheless
and then it all came 2 gether
it all fell in 2 place
(oh a song coming on here)
and it wasnt 2 long be 4
um….
ah cant be bothered finishing it
its all yours
you jokers in bands
who rifle thru the beings works
looking for ideas
drink up you dreamers
youre running dry
go on
have it
take it
its all yours
and when theyre givin you yer ph d in rocknroll
tell em about fruit machine n how its free form fiasco
blew yer mind before you got into academia
and if youre listenin’ to yonder mimesis samples
thinking
yes yes
sk has broken the linguistic hegemony of syntaxial boom bahs
and now i can proceed with my spoken word bling blong
please
expand upon it
open it up wherever you can
take out some little embedded thing
no one noticed
but youre struck by this tiny little inkling
hidden in there
in a whisper against the pianos n stuff
or a phrase almost inaudible
against the rippling synthesisers
and you think
is that just me
or did i hear that
those simple words
spoke sung like that
it means that…
well i dunno
cos its you feeling it now
you know how it makes you feel
like your on the edge of something
the beginning of the …..
i m not sure what it is for you
im just a travel agent
i say you could go here
or here
or there
or over yonda baybee
im not being too specific
at your leisure…
proceed!

in a dry n dusty landscape
in the bush
a beautiful little theatre
lovely gig
lovely night
stay in a bed b breakfast place
the only ones there
long cool verandahs stretching round corners
time stretches into the past
a hard slog
now as then
little rain
today we drive to geelong
a nice theatre 3 quarters sold out
wow
must be brief my darlingss though
big long post soon
i promise
sk

oh thats just the name of l’otel, mes amis
im sittin in the foyer
on this hopeless clunky keyboard
i mean it makes my lappy look like a straddleavarious
is that from jurassic park?
and ive doine yoga
and i blown a bone
can you dig that jazz jive you muggles
oh oh oh
the muse is pawing stuff into my poor pores
which are pouring
the skin of this world is so fragile
it amazes me we so rarely pierce its veneer
its just a slight adjustment…
ahhh there you go
you see
the phoney baloney looks a bit different from here
any what way
lost knight wee plaid
in mulbernes fair square
yeah yeah were you there there there
theyre there baby butter ware were you
do ya lika rocka roll everyday till eternity
sweet peddle steal
like lonesome whistles blowin’
ahoooeee…
clicketty clack coming back
with them blues in the night
or prairies open up
and i step onto the screen as a pioneer
and we’re stretched out across those sad old tv shows
that made me nervous when i was a kid
evil perhaps no longer
graham lee
played with us
oh i want him n patti hood all the time
i wanta pedal steel n harp
like delicate tic toc and honey sliding around
oh to be sent by sweet sweet music like that
that is my
that is my
that is my desire to ceate this sound for you
oh god let me let me let me
type type type
clicketty clack
them blues comin back
in the night

in a sad part of town
common or garden yesterday
refrain of time
smoky afternoon
reading and writing
in his library
nevetsyeblik
itinerant musician
second rate saint
one minute prophet
quack
and unhandy man
reading up on this n that
more that than this actually
nevetsyeblik has a muse
a tiny angel he scries
incased in clearest crystal
oh lovely muse
she who sometimes appears as if in winter
and a great snowy forest around her
othertimes she appears as summer
a flowery crown in her golden hair
her skin the whiteness of death itself
why why why
why hast thou summoned me hither?
the face of the angel was still
her mouth never moved from its solemn smile
but the words rang in nevetsyebliks head
like tiny chrystalline bells
he whispered almost inaudibly
dearest one i seek your aid
the angels face filled the sphere
ah sweet mortal….then ask…
ah my lady
i am persecuted by the jesuits n the church
who call me heretical
yet i am not a heretic ….
more like a lunatic
the soft voice of the angel appeared in his head
she smiled a littlemore
as he watched her recede back into the forest
it seemed as if she constantly changed
at first an abundant naked maiden
in the golden glow of her youth
then a withered crone
seconds from the end of a long life
next a brilliant child
framed amonsgt the trees
nevetsyeblik continued
the critics and henchmen of the age of reason
also seek to undo me
burning my books
permitting me no entry into their theatres
the old say i am too young
naturally the young consider me ancient
the rich say too poor
the poor too rich
i have tried to be even handed in all things
but my patrons desert me
my performances are cancelled….
verily a tale of woe
came her voice
and what wouldst thou have of me..?
take me out out out of this age i implore you
every age is a dance of fools poor nevetsyeblik
here is my advice
there be 2 types
those who understand
those who will never understand
accept this and continue on
how will i know the one from the other? he asked
it will be immediately obvious said the angel
will they ever understand? he asked
one day they will all understand said she
and i have more sage advice for thee, mortal man
yes my muse source of all wonder
summon the composer polinski at once
by my art i have filled him with wondrous music
and when thou, sweet man, heareth it
i shall fill thy mouth with spontaneous words
and songs
and thou shall talk with thyself
and answer too
my stream of words shall never fail thee
nay not in this life
or in any other
will there be other lives, angelface?
many many many
the angel faded in her crystal
always the same life
over and over
until you…
she had almost faded into silence within his mind
until what..?
asked the man
and faintly
in the corner of his mind he heard her reply
until you learn
the crystal ball was empty
oh angel what is thing to be called
he gently dared to whisper back
the golden naked woman flashed back into view for an instant
and she spat out a single word
mimesis

bad news
bondis new performance space
where i was gonna be right now in fact
has been shut down
it was 2 good 2 be true
aint it the truth
poor andrew h n the others
it was gonna have more plays
more happenings
more exhibitions
now my play wont be returning
not there…anyway
only last night we were sitting round
in the bricklane workshop
ex radiator workshop
now an excellent venue in this culture starved wilderness
cmon
people wanted this in bondi
you can only go so far with all the other touristy malarkey
i mean some us wouldnt mind a bit of a “space”
somewhere for groovy happenings of all kinds to occur
and this place had it in spades
it just felt right
they hadda party there satday night
i took the fam along
it was jumping
seriously jumping
theres nothing like this in bondi
and hasnt been since how knows when
and we want our drawing classes
and our poetry nights
and our plays
and our exhibition/parties…
you know
not another surf shop
which is what it will become
starting in 2 weeks
oh sad day
i was gonna do a show there on the 24th
i was gonna greet everyone at the door
and introduce myself personally
to whoever showed up
take them to their seat
chat a little
then i was gonna show slides n videos of my life
talk to the people as they went along
have a guitar there to maybe strum out some songs
i was gonna read from my new book fruit machine
i was gonna juggle poetry n recite marble
yeah you get the picture dontcha?
anyway thats all gone by the wayside now
*****************************************
i would like to sincerely and passionately
thank my subscribers
true patrons of the arts
everyone of you
no one ever had to do anything
but you did
and i appreciate it
and some people donated some nice things
and thanks for sending all the cds dvds books
from people(thanks john g.)
i am reading evening in the palace of reason
sent to me by that extraordinary artist MEM
who posts pithily here from time to time
he sent it ages ago
but ive only found time to read a book this week
wow! its a bloody corker!
its the true story of js bach
being summoned to the court of freddy the great
of prussia
and the conflict between the young king
and the old master
a clash between bachs ideals n freds sheer power
and guess what …
fred has bachs son working for him
and theyve devised this musical challenge for old bach
but it all operates on many other levels
and its a true story
just like my biography
any way ive learned a load of stuff
about music i never even dreamed of
and js bach is a totally wired fuckin genius
he is so confident…..oooh
he just churns out beautiful unbelievably complex stuff
all his life
hes knocking out this stuff thats lasted hundreds of years
he revolutionised music
its use of instruments
his eclectic melding of diverse styles
his ravenous intake of others music
figuring it out and spitting it out as bach
oh a good read
not stuffy or boring
js bach…whooda thunkit?
*
still have plans for photos n talking blogge
need russells commitment to help implement
and hes a bizzy geezer
cmon
hes a professa of podcaste n blogge
jesus what happened to geography n algebra
it woulda been preposterous to think
at lyneham high in the 60s n 70s
that rusty would teach people to blogge n podcaste
i mean that sounds like a good gig to me
and i believe an attractive package has been negotiated
or was that his lunch?
so i send eve n aurora to school
to learn all this stuff
but actually in the future
there will be jobs that cant be anticipated now
and school schmool!
i mean how much did rusty need to learn at lyneham high
to teach what he teaches now
did he need all that rubbish they taught us
with the sines n cosines
jesus i never understood that stuff
english?
cmon
having some orrible poet shoved down yer gullet
and then forced to analyse the bastard
AND
come up with same answer as the teacher
and
science
oh yeah
big science
thats come in pretty handy
except its hard finding a little nozzle for my bunsen burner
and the doodles are starting to complain about all the disected frogs
i dunno
education
yer gotta read between the lines
ha ha
love
king of kontroversi
killa

was thinking about this book i saw
written by the the worlds # 3 intellectual
(how do ya go up n down that ladder?)
using his much vaunted intellect
to prove that god doesnt exist
and im not gonna pretend that i have read the book
i just kinda gave it a ten minutes skim
but the gist of it seems to be
a kinda atheistic scientific proof
along the lines of
we have reproduced mystical n transcendental states
in subjects by stimulating their such n such cortex
or by the administration of such n such
or
some strange kinda thinking along the lines of
that if we understand the material means by which something
is (said to be) done then we understand the thing itself.
or
we know how therefore we know why
or
unreliable facts n figures (i reckon)
about when this or that happened millions of years ago
(like any of us could really know)
the scientists n thinkers of every age
think that they got it all sussed
but nothing like a hundred years to disprove a few facts
and this 3rd ranking intellectual
urges us to embrace darwinism
a new age of reason
everything is accidental n chemicalistic
life is random
its all for nothing
sure sure
we should do our best
i mean he isnt promoting anarchy or hedonism
hes just saying
look we have descended from monkeys
get over yer fancy mysticism n all that malarkey
theres no god
theres just our obligation to be reasonable
and find a rational explanation for everything
this is sposed to free us from the shackles
of the god the number 3 guy is pretty angry with
and so he should be
yes
its a kinda jehovahey allahey kinda god
that number 3 rails against
and here we get terribly sidetracked
and surely is there an other option
besides monkeys or olde testament
how about this one
there was no beginning
everything was always here
men women squirrels whales wasps apple trees thistles stones shells
the whole fucking she-bang
always always always here
i mean its always been here since i been here
and i have no reason to suspect it wasnt here before me
long before me
or anyone
who was around to say
i was there at the beginning
and you know
get it authenticated
so you know carbon dating yeah!
oh the world came into existence on this date
cos i carbon tested yonder rock
well im not so sure
maybe youre not right
and this evolution thing
this accidental thing
i mean this is some compex accident
an accident that imitates design
i mean as a very crude and basic creator myself
of children n songs n blogges etc
i must confess i have come to admire this world
ON AN ARTISTIC LEVEL
i mean ok
you think picassos great and he is
but he just paints pictures
of the real objects
the creator has created
it goes against all my instincts
to not see and hear
the melodies
the patterns
the great works stretched across the sky
or across a century
the feeling of being guided
the feeling of being blessed
now another thing about #3
he is an atheist
so do you suppose
he has spent much time
mastering the “god” arts n techniques
has he ever been in a trance?
has he ever meditated over long periods?
does he practise any form of yoga?
is he actually conversant with any hindu or buddhist thought
rather than glib quotes?
i mean these things take time to master
you cant say youve investigated god
unless youve taken sometime
to practise some form of transcendantal discipline
its like saying that french is gibberish
before learning to speak french
which takes years
and a leap of faith at the beginning
so has # 3 taken any mushrooms or peyote
or ibogaine or ayahuasca or anything
has he investigated the very real worlds which are but a plant away?
and ya know
i just dont feel darwinism
im sorry
im sorry
where are the birds with half a wing
and turtles with half a shell?
yeah yeah things adapt
its built in
(to me merely another wonder)
but dont go telling people
its all for nothing
unless youre very very sure
i say
think of all the other possibilities
for the explanation of the appearance of this world
and its diverse creatures
than accident or jehovah
and i refuse to let them
prove to me in some equation i can never understand..
that the things i hold sacred and godgiven
are merely blips n blops in a chemical chain
they are that to be sure
but not merely that
no more than someone who has worked out the chords
to under the milky way means that
he understands the songs attributes or creation
or even that he can replicate the song decently
no he has merely deduced one aspect of the thing
so our # 3 has deduced a few aspects of life
or so we may care to think
until the next wave of thought comes along
and in 5 hundred years
if there is a planet left at all
(and folks the christians AND the atheists got us into this mess)
anyway
i reckon they would laugh at the quaint ideas
he now postulates as a modern call to reason
and anyhow
modern science is turning towards what the indians
said thousands of years ago
everything is illusion
there is nothing solid
everything is vibration
ok number 3 probably can dig that now
some guy in harvard put it in a handy equation for us
but 50 years ago it was quite preposterous
but the guys who realised this all those years ago
they understood it
because they had mastered the arts of contemplation
devotion
meditation
asana
breathing
they were love in action
and they combined science n poetry n philosophy
n cosmology all into one groovy thing
and they sussed it
and if you do what they did
you might feel it too
and aint it unsurprising that atheistic searches
yeild atheistic results
yes you can find a million things to be angry with god about
you can find anomalies in nature
you can blame him cos you were born ugly or poor
you can hate him cos you were unpopular at school
you can cast him as jehovah from the olde testa
and loathe his arbitrary bullshit
and say thats it im done with god
and then ignore it all
the ratios
the systems within systems within systems
the sheer beauty of the sky which changes from minute to minute
(oh yeah says mr 3 thats just photons n light blah blahs etc)
so what picassos just blobs of oil paint but that dont demystify it
look mysticism is so deeply a part of my life
everything i do has been to glorify the mysterious mystery of life
i cant turn around and embrace this rational world now
i’d rather be a fool in my world
with its signs n signals n beliefs n superstitions
with the untransmittable things i have gleaned in garudasana
in the soft rain on my balcony
when my rational western brain shut up for half a second
and the immensity n the love of it all
and the calmness and the ok ness
and the reason it had to be that way
of course number 3 has his logic and latest equations
i have my songs n my poems
he comes to say that this is it
what ya see is what ya get
take care of it by all means
in fact now you can really take care of it
cos i just proved on page 666 of my book
that god is utterably non existent
i come to say
no no no
oh boy
wow this is weird
can anything be believed here?
im gonna try some things
that these other guys tried
like psychedelic drugs
and yoga
and eating foods that vibrate at higher rates
etc etc
see what results i get
and the results i get
aint really going along with the new age of reason too much
but thats just me
and youll be able to quote stuff at me till the sacred cows come home
and maybe quote # 3 in my comments page
but all to no avail
i know what i know
there are more than one or two or three possible answers
if even finding an answer is the right word
a very human way of looking at things to be sure
beginnings endings causes
these things obseess humans
and we impose them on everything
and somethings maybe
are just there
or another kinda god
not jehovah
but a subtle artistic approachable god
a vishnu in your own heart
a personal jesus
an ideal
a guiding light
a wonderful creator
who tosses off universes as he sleeps
my experience has been mystical
a voice inside me says pursue this
my instincts say no darwinism
are we not men?
my instincts say
you have lived many many times before
my instincts say treasure this earth
but it is a shadow of some real place
but place isnt the right word
and we get tangled up in words
which dont even describe the grace n love of god
as i have felt them very occaisionally
but how could i be me and not say these things
i understand nothing of science
i just still see the sunset and think
wow!
i see the ocean on a stormy day and im impressed
i see the tenderness of motherhood
i see the burgeoning spirit of my children
i feel my thoughts turn again n again to god
something out there
something in here
all around
and nowhere
and its so hard to believe
but its all one thing
vibrating
shimmering
not even really there
try some discipline before you say god is dead