The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

dear subscriber
please exuse the t. being from attending blogge
the 6 n 7 th of dec.
when he woke up on the 6th he had a high temp
and all his adjectives were slightly flushed.
he seemed off his puns and couldnt not even be tempted
with a small rant.
i made the painful decision not to send him along
and then yesterday
when i heard him split an infinitive i rushed him to
the grammarians who after an examination
said he was suffering verb fatigue
and his conjugations were a liitle swollen.
the doctors checked his diction
and advised a small lay-off
for a few days.
i hope the t. being can catch up all his work
and passes all his paypal exams
yours faithfully
mother of all t. beings

im sorry
yes i was away
2 hard late nights
and then
nks uncle gary passed away
aged only 56 years
uncle gary was a true character
a kind of modern wc fields
he paid for our honeymoon down at rehoboth beach
and when we checked into our room
uncle gary had provided champagne n chocolate strawberries too
he had polio when he was just a kid
and spent a long time in hospital on his own
then when he got out he had to wear a painful n awkward body-brace
he always limped n shuffled along and the polio was slowly coming back
making his life miserable
even getting in n out of bed became a major hassle
uncle gary was nks dads elder brother
and the 1st time i went to delaware to meet her
uncle gary turned up to check me out
there was a knocking at the door the 1st morning i arrived
and theres this larger-than-life character
standing there with a cigar n a pink suit
(uncle g was NOT gay but he wore strange flamboyant clothes)
he beckoned to me
and i hopped in his corvette and he drove me around
givin’ me the 3rd degree
he was a lawyer
and he asked me lotsa questions
but never really waited to hear the answer
just leapt on to the next topic
all the time keeping up a hilarious schpiel
he took us out to a restaurant
which proved to be a comedy routine
uncle g was “fond of a drink”
and he ranted n raved about larry fortensky
(i think he wished he was married to liz taylor himself)
and he kept warning natalie about “english school boys”
implying that i might be secretely gay
he was very un-p.c. about almost every subject
summoning the chef out to ask him about my veggie lasagna
and carrying on in a loud tasteless but completely hysterical fashion
uncle gary instantly became my fave
and although he teased me mercilessly
and never seemed to listen to my mumbled protests
i thought he was the bees knees
his intake of vodka was prodigious and he ate very little food
he usually had a great big pair of sunglasses on
and he was always in a hurry
he could never just sit down n relax
he liked young women with lotsa make-up
and he squired an endless stream of em
attracted by his bottomless wallet n his extreme largesse
he let us stay in his lovely holiday house for a while
and kept on inviting me to drive his ‘vette
but then he never let me
he was outrageously sentimental n then
just as quickly he’d change his mind
and say something caustic
eg a loada rellies saying how clever
the doodles are cos they could, say, walk a little
oh theyre so clever
oh look at em walk
and uncle gary’d mumble
oh yeah..theyre fuckin’ geniuses
which i thought was kinda refreshing
the twillies came over n met him
they were kinda fascinated by him
he exploded into crocodile tears at our wedding
and then turned up at our litttle breakfast
pissed as a newt
paying for everything
and telling tales about himself
and legendary bar room brawls he’d been in
eventually i worked up a hilarious uncle gary impersonation
but it came from a place of love n understanding
so nk wasnt angry when i’d do it
and get stuck in character for a few hours
unable to stop being uncle gary
saying all his usual sayings
which can best be summed up by the phrase
(said in a slightly sozzled deep gruff ruff voice)
fuck em if they cant take a joke
one night after a huge uncle gary impersonation marathon
nk turned to me n said
steven…who were you before you were my family?
marty loves my uncle gary impersonation
often saying in the studio
cmon steve…do natalies uncle
then i’d eff n blind in my american accent
insultin’ every body
wheezing n coughing n pretending to be a little drunk
gary passed away on tuesday
and we all feel shocked
the polio, the drinkin’, the wild life caught up with him
and it was kinda expected
but i feel like i really lost an uncle myself
even tho gary wasnt really much older than me
yesterday i accidentally slipped into an uncle gary voice
then i looked up n said sorry to nk
no she said
i want you to keep on doing it..it keeps him alive for me
so if ya hear me talking in a low gruff american accent
saying
“yeah!” or
“sure, i bet youre a fucking genius!”
or some very uncorrect remark about
something a bit sensitive…
then ya know its uncle gary living on
thru me
a true one-off, break the mold
dont make em like that anymore character
uncle gary
you will be sorely sorely missed
we loved you, gfd
and i hope yer giving the waitresses in heaven hell!!
normal service resumed tomorrow
“yeah!”

good morning well wishers
how now brown cow?
youll be pleased to know
the falcon is now a smooth sleek silent panther
a blue grey blur
king midas did me nicely
fixed my muffla
my a.c. problem
flush my transmission
oiled my greased nipples
n changed my mind
wow
im sailing down the street now
toddy rundgren pumping
“i was born to synthesize, energise n catalyze”
yes toddy, me too..
i got me a big ass olde car now
(actually it is a little hard to park…)
cruising down this shuddering highway
(actually olde south head road)
i got a silver machine!!
watch out you hoity toity olde posh bags in yer bmw suvs
the killer is comin’ on thru nohow!
anyway
enough of that petrolhead nonsense
el mo 2 getting near finished
a few surprises…
i cant tell ya natch…or they wont be surprises
but ya gonna do a dubble-take on some of this
thats for sure
and i guarantee it
im supposed to finish 3 portraits of the band as well
where will i find all this time
they say bring painting into studio
you can paint n mix at same time
sure
and i could juggle too
or keep plates spinning
with one lobe tied behind my back
n a blindfold on
thats the trubble
give em everything
n
they expect everything
so much work for the lazy old being to do
yesterday i get home late
do yoga on yonder balcony
mosquitoes attack attack attack
suck my blood
(i am a red blooded male!)
nasty nasty little biters
had to stop during the tree pose
those female mosquitoes all over my lovely calves
and i dont want em ruined with nasty bites
i want them to remain a pristine wilderness
of suntan n muscle
cmon they are beautiful …..
am i allowed to say this?
i mean the rest of me is…..alright…
but my calves….oh my calves
and my doom never to be able to see em properly
always have to bend n twist n reflect
not the biggest calves youll ever see
just the secksiest….easily
in fact if you see a better set of calves than mine
drop me an email
killahcalves@leggy.org.asm
and send me dubble yer money back as a deposit
if any one else has better leggies
i’ll keep the money….ok?
sorted
my calves are actually negotiating with sir dennis hand-jobbe
from xyz records about doing a solo album
course its gonna be instrumental
(calves cant sing, silly)
featuring
i kneed you
spank my ankles
toeing the line
vanilla thigh
n groin injury
oh ho ho ho
(dont you wish this would stop?)
we already got a foot in the door here
and my calves are appearing in some new shorts
n films soon
hop in to yer record store
n demand the killers calves
before this whole joke is milked dry
(disgruntled subscriber in east cheam says
i thought he was telling us about fucking hayday today
and then we get this loada bollocks bout his calves!)
anyway
allow me my levity, fiendss
im working so hard im going bloody balmy
but thats how you like us olde genii
slightly nutty
its one of the perks of the job
be serious for twenny years
then become a total looney..
eccentricity they call it
oh olde steve…hes a bit…eccentric
ye see….im not just a crazy olde bastard
im a venerable eccentric gentlemen
a V.E.G.
now us V.E.G.s are getting kinda rare
now pablo picassos gone..
its really only bobby dylan, lenny cohen n me left
(not necessarily in that order)
im like a national treasure
but no ones treasuring me much
im like a vintage car
driving myself slowly mad
im like an old master
with no peace
although it breaks my heart to leave ya
fiendss i mist bid you a fond adieu
see ya tomorra
24 hours for you
an eternity for me
love
left n right calf
x x

good mourning fiendss n fiendettess
thank you to my subscribers
i appreciate your continued financial support
well its monday , isnt it?
i got so much on…
finish mixing el mo 2 monday n tuesday
wednesday night katoomba gig with mwp
thursday tv show interview
friday rehearse 2 man play(opening bondi jan12)
saturday or sun ..record tribute track for grant record
monday clean up spare room …a mammoth task
tuesday twilliepops arrive
and muffler now completely obnoxious
must see midas the muffler king
greedy fiendss write in
tell us about heyday
tell us about mats
slow down fiendss
ive spoiled ya by giving ya 2 much 2 soon
landsakes, we gotta stretch this out
make the stories last…..its a long journey
pace ourselves
eventually
i promise you this
everything will be revealed
when this process is over
youll know everything
everything!
continue to have a track on #1 album this week in aust
craig obey vs the cherch
hear them cents tricklin’ in to my cavernously empty account
aint it funny
you take the 1st verse of an olde song
ya put doof doof doof
ya got a new song
ya in the charts n evvything
wow
is that all it takes
will anyone ever do a new version of obeys version
so its roger kaputnick vs craig obey vs the cherch
a tag team number
its obey , hes twisting the cherchs first verse
oh thats gotta hurt
but whats this…?!
kaputnicks got obey by his doof doofs
hes applying pressure to his crotchet
the cherch are on the ropes
kaputnick does his atomic drop
hes gonna diss obey….
ouch!
he aint gonna be doing no remixing for a while…
silly aint it fiendss….
anyway
that still leaves me here
overcommitted
underwhelmed
and feeling tired just contemplating it all
i ve run out of goji juice too
nk n doodles + bumper
bought xmas decorations yessaday
and it seems only a matter of time
before the hall is decked with boughs of holly
and baby bumper is wearing tinsel n icicles
quite frankly i hate xmas decos…bah humbug
whats it gotta do with baby jesus
who is santa n the grinches love child
who was born to set free frosty the snowman
and the magic xmas tree who was pining away
until the 3 wise guys brought their chrissie pressies
and he said bugger the frankinswhatsis n the mer
gimme the gold ,baybee
and what did the verging mary spend all that gold on..?
a copy of craig obey vs the cherch?
and joseph
he bought marys story, did he?
and what did he get for christmas?
more fucking aftershave?
and donna n blitzen n rudolph the red nosed
landing on the roof
waking up kelly next door
and she comes out
and starts abusing santa
there you fucking are…you red clad sorry son of a bitch!
think you can drop down a girls chimney
give her a present
then piss off fer a year, do ya?
and keep ya bloody reindeers of the hydrangeas
well i gotta surprise for you claus…
(sound of struggling)
“no kelly, dont empty the red sack…
aw hell kelly, all the childrens presents……all ruined!”
now piss off to maroubra, you yuletide wanker
“no, kelly, dont kick my sleigh…aw please
aw kelly now the bells dont jingle….”

xmas in aust is a joke anyway
its hot
its unxmassy
its a heathen hedonistic excuse to drink beer
n lie on a beach
i aint giving no presence to no one
except kids
so dont hang around yer po box waiting for my gift, ebenezer!

last nite saw a very good show on peter cook n dudley moore
about their partnership n split
wow
i dreampt about it
and was glad when i woke up
brilliant comedians those 2 boys
try n see bedazzled
thats the film they based that awful one with liz hurl-lee
n bend-on phraser on

i guess thats it my fiendss
its 20 to 8 in morning
doodles are up n drawing
the weather is iffy
must swim
do something bout my muffler
get in studio
n
panic!

thank you children of the night
i appreciate your support
sometimes its hard being a raving genius
kicking against the pricks who run this show
i made p=a for you
not for them
and to answer mr missions oft asked question
twas i twinklefingers playing piano on mistress
(i channelled my dad!)
but when we delivered it to a-wrister records n tapes
they were like, well….whats this sposed to be?
can we change the title?
i already had previously written an essay
for a’wrista
explaining
(can you fucking believe this)
explaining why i wanted to call starfish “starfish”
they wanted to call it under the milky way
(gee some imaginitive einsteins at work there)
so i think
they wanna explanation
i’ll give em an explanation THEY WONT BELIEVE!
so i set about typing the most hilarious
over the top
pseudo-hi brow
andre breton-ish
loada olde tripe
about starfish
the word
the connotations
the drift, the travel, the cosmic
the interconnection of all fucking things
the meaning of life contained within 2 silly bles
star fish
of course a’wrista writes back
oh steve…well seeing its like that..of course
starfish it is
of course i couldnt just say to em
ah…well i wanna call it starfish cos i like it!
not everything has meaning
nor is it desirable even that it should
starfish was a good title
it made something deep inside light up
something intangible
something beyond n before description
it felt right
i pick up a guitar and start singing a new song
because it means something?
hardly ever
because it feeels right?
usually always
thats why i call em “straights”
they have no imagination
they cant just go
ok
yeah
i can grokk that!
its dig-able, baybee!
i fought against “straights” from the moment
i bought me first guitar..
always been some unimiginative gooseball
waiting to spoil my vision-splendid
no you cant do that!
no you cant play that!
no you cant write that!
no you cant record that!
why not?
because you cant!
why are there so many “straights” in the music biz?
cant they have their thing and let us have ours?
the ent biz is where less powerful “straights” are attracted
the sick n weak ones who cant survive amongst their own
attracted by the naivety n trusting nature of musicians
they crowd into the pool
eating up the small fry
and taking great chunks out of ya!
people yesterday saying our vids (bar one or two) are shonky
i agree with ya
you think i wanted that ?
you cant put pictures to my songs
a visual explaining
or decoding
or suggesting
or implying
just ruins our music
ive had so many fights
so much sulking screaming whispering meetings standoff
ultimatums accusations balls-ups waste of time n money
it was some unimaginitive “straight” super-imposing his malarkey
on my lovely song
but i like ung.mo n bell-eyre n toofast n tearitallaway
there ok
they dont ruin the songs, do they?
almost with you is a bit stupid but it was 1981
actually its too much grief thinkin’ about it
and all the money wasted on stupid vids
that we wouldnt ever see
(we never saw the money/we didnae wanna see the vids)
sk at loggerheads with someone or other
fuck it!
i do wanna do no more vids
and now i olde n ugly its better that way
cherch n vids dont go
yes yes
tantylised only really good one
i think utmw rather silly actually
theyre all just sorta mediocre
it wassa dark day for music
when videos became de rigeur
criticising rock vids is like
shooting a barn with a shotgun from point blank range
there aint no point
their full ludicrousy and absurdity is apparent
many vid directors are admen down on their luck
failed tv directors tryin’ somethin’ different
they aint got the quals to reinterpret my fuckin’ lyrics
with their exploding toasters n long red fingernails
with their dry ice n men dressed in overcoats
with their close-ups n fade-outs
they didnt have the vocabulary
it wasnt sposed to be seen
it was sposed to be heard
the opposite of children….
listen
dont get me talking
i hate most of our vids
and most of everbody elses
occaisionally a good one comes along
thats quite a trick!
but most are music-killing rubbish
utter n vile tripe
of the highest philistinic order
visual anathema wanna make ya tear yer eyes out
rather than watch its shallow bloated nonsense
you should read the treatments ive been sent
ive been stunned by the stuff thats been suggested
in the end you have to try n trust somebody
xyz records wasnt gonna give olde sk the budget to make a vid
besides i didnt know how to do it either
i didnt wanna do it
videos ruin my songs
so the whole thing is a tricky n painful subject
out of my hands
beyond my control
just getting me upset
then n now
breathe deep
im gonna let it go
goodbye
sk

ya see
now im working for ya
i respond so much quicker to yer ree-quests n dee-mands
and a very pithy commenter yesterday
was saying c’mon kilbey stop complainin’
you were in it for the money n fame etc
and yes my perceptive friend
thats a given
i still am, if it comes my way
but that dont mean working with idiots aint painful
in fact
does it have anything to do with it at all?
kinda…..
i guess
i confess
i thought you all knew
i want(ed) to make beautiful music AND lotsa money
after all at what i do im one of the crem de la crems
a crem de menthy
i see no real contradiction
one does not cancel out the other
im a master craftsman of songs in the melancholy school
of course i wanted reasonable remuneration (a fortune!)
and pear group recognition (divine fame!)
baybee who can ever realy say what their motifs are
i wanted the glory the money the lurks n perks
n whatever else they was givin’ out
but that never cancelled out my desire for lovely music
can ya understand this important distinction?
i hoped for the cash
but i never delivered you trash
(beginning of sk rap?)
i bet michaelangelo gotta fortune for the cistine chapple
he should have
just like me baybee
i did score big
for the greatest melancholy album ever made
by anyone anywhere
thats right
p=a
i got 125 grand publishing advance on that one
my one big kahoona ever
1991
wow
the xyz conglomerate
coughed up a hundred n twenny five gees for my next batch o songs
and they got their moneys worth too
these are great songs especially for the times
everything i’d ever wanted to do
i finally did on this record
the fucking widescreen cinematic wraparound
the walls of noise
the snaky bass lines
the infinite varieties of guitar sounds
i loved gavin mckillop
a producers producer
a funny clever shrewd warm hearted scotsman
he n i made a great team
we both wanted to make the same record
marty n peter both firing in top form
jay dees excellent n inventive drumming
+ his calmness and voice of reason
unfortunately i was in the “honeymoon” stage of opiate addiction
it was like ye olde devil sittin’ there waiting
till i finally cashed in a little
and he calls in the demon handling my case
an’ he says
ok now break out the heroin
i also was smoking eating drinking opium
anyhow anyway
you can hear it on this record
the ponderous slowness n depth
the warmth n sickly sweetnesses
the disconnected voice
turning dark words
its a masterpiece
rolling stone said at time its rotten
rolling stone in new encyclo says its brilliant
masterpieces arent easy to swallow
fucking hell!
some people buying a cd arent even looking for a masta-peece
they just want that tune they heard on telly
and maybe some more like that
they dont neskaserrily want the rise n fall of western civ.
as described by a rocknroll band
we wrote it easy
i was indeed connected into some opium universe
its like a mousetrap
i mean
a mousetrap kills the mouse
but it DOES have some cheese, right?
so for a very very few months
the opium n smack filled my head with ideas
new ideas
ideas i cant articulate or i woulda actualized ’em
sammy tailor collaridge type ideas
grandiose vistas
whole lifetimes in one opium dream
most is gone upon awakening
but the poet can struggle to recount
a tiny reflection of the vision
this then
was
p=a
what more is there to say?
i wrote the lyrics in feverish trancelike states?
yes i did
i snorted white powder off a black piano
and i wrote n wrote n wrote
i was like a receiver of messages from somewhere else
it all came whole
i didnt write it
i dreampt it up
the six string bass lines
the keyboard lines
dripped from my fingers like i been playing em forever
the other guys all brilliant too
they were high by osmosis
they were picking up
on this thing we were stumbling into
i smoked joints full of opium
a new way to get high
i saw the pot as the treble
the opium as the bass
the opium was playing my white six string bass those sessions
now my mother will say
why oh why sun all the drugtalk?
because thats the thing about this particular record
i paid a terrible horrible price
i still am
no one gets off scot-free from the gear, the scag, the stuff
but nonetheless
jesus
its an english tradition
poet + opium = good(for a short time)
sorry
thats how i saw it
i dont now nessacelery
its half true
please keep yer indignant antidrug comments to yerself
i aint glorifying it
or am i?
i cant tell
you’ll have to be an adult n decide for yourself
if you think im being foolish
thats ok
im just an olde olde rocker
spinning a yarn about some stuff
that happened a long time ago
some of the other people involved
occaisionally indulged
others like jay dee
were dismayed when o.p 8
reared its very ugly heads
but thats the biz
drugs booze women plane crashes greek mythology
i wrote swan lake for my new twins e n a
it got some good reviews
someone wrote in mm or nme or sounds
that the record would have all the shoegazers
running to their mummies to ask for new fx pedals..
ha ha
i liked that
p=a is an effected record
its cavernous reverbs
its pre-echoes that suck up to your earline
backwards things swoosh by
fizzy percussive zit zit zit tshhh!
the guitars!
mayhem n delicacy
these guys finally emerge as themselves n no others
pk paints huge backdrops n delicious melodic neo-classical
mwp screaming hovering howling pretty
jay dee bang bom boom boom boom
bass goes throb a throb a throb
can you hear the whammy bass?
thats the six string bass high up on beginning of olde flam
i felt sure we’d made a marstabiece
it seems
however
the world in 1992
did not want
an opiated pre-raphaelite swooning album/poem
but it wanted pearl jamb and
i oh i oh oh im still alive
and stone temp-hill pykelets
and wait till the dogzza found her…
so boy we copped some bad reviews
and boy
did that confuse me
i’d gone n done it!
we’d gone n done it!
me embarking on junkiedom n hard times
mwp embarking on all about eve
pk embarking on solodom
jaydee embarking back to other gigs
g mc k embarking on to other gigs
i still reckon its brilliant
its my berlin
its our #3 record
its our diamond dogs
our systems of romance
the fact that it flopped enhances its appeal
you gotta love it more cos no one else did or could
it deserves your love
its a nice record
its cool
dig it
if
you
can

sk

x

it was nearly twenny yeers ago
the cherch made that record in l.a.
that one with that song
that song about the whatsisname
the song that got used in that tv show
yeah ya know the one i mean
1987
out of nowhere
after being dropped by warmer brothers
and capitol punishment
we were signed up by a-wrister records n tapes
who insisted that we come to l.a.
so they could keep an eye on us
they say why dontcha work with waddsy wok-tell
and grog lady-ani
we thought
ok
why not?
that sounds ridiculous
so we turn up in la
and we get put in the oakwood apts on sepulveda, west la
ploog n i in one apt
mwp n pk in another
swimming pool
barbeque
underground carpark
locked gates
the whole deal
first time i heard rap music
i lying in bed the 1st morning
i hear this ‘orrible ‘orrible loud noise coming up the street
i thought it was the end of the world
a car pumping out rap at a mighty volume
a revoltin’ way to wake up
we go down the studio to meet our pro-ducers
grog is a rude talentless macho buffoon
he owns the complex
the studio we’re recording in
he thinks we’re small fish
and he dont bother hiding his contempt
hes “worked” on jackson browned
and dong hen-lee
so boy hes a big-headed turkey
waddsy is a lot nicer n friendlier
they both snorting cokey-dokey like fiends, fiendss
all the time
it dont seem to affect ww too much
hes pretty affable
he can see we aint too bad
grog on the other hand is a mess
when hes just hadda snort
hes clammy n enthusiastic …for about 5 minutes
he wants to listen to everything at top volume
thru these huge speakers
i cant even bear to be in control room
its louder than a gig!
so anyway we go to this soundstage
in santa monica
where we rehearse all the life outta the songs
for 4 tedious weeks
they start wearing down ploogys confidence immediately
they try to start picking on me bout my voice
but im untouchable in my self-confidence
but they hurt pks n ploogs feelings all the time
grog especially treats us like second rate time-wasters
“look at this” he screams out to ww one day
“that fucking blah blah got a gig doing springsteen..”
“and youre stuck here with these useless australian nobodies”
i said….
grog looked at me searchingly and he cracked an ugly smirk
“thats right…..thats fucking right…!”
grog n waddsy didnae think much of u.t.m.w. neither
it was a kind of addendum to the rest of the album
i did most of it on my own
in a little programming studio
ploogy didnt play on it
they didnt wanna waste their time putting real drums on it
waddsy even tried to dissuade me from putting it second on the record
“you want em to hear some good ones before they get to that one!”
he said…
meanwhile we all had our own cars
and were getting into our own adventures
particularly ploogy who brought a constant stream
of hippies, druggies, ratbags n rastas round our apt.
we ate mexican food a lot
and roamed venice beach
grog sent me n pk for singing lessons in hollywood
we hadda crazy singing teacher
a guy whod played hercules n sampson in some b-grade flicks
he talked about sex non stop between singing instructions
hey steve do the girls in australia like to give head?
he would ask every week between la la la la las
hey steve i had a girl in here last week
she said ” im the queen of head jobs”
i said get down on yer knees and win the title
etc etc etc
in the middle of a c scale
he’d interrupt to tell me
of his latest conquest
and then straight back to the lesson as if nothin’ had happened
i didnt learn nothin’
but grog insisted the lessons were helping my hopeless voice
he hated pks voice even worse than mine
and made him feel real bad about it
one day waddsy stumbled on a huge cache of very very cheap cocaine
the boys bought a small mountain of it and started sniffin’
i had one line of that stuff n i felt sick for 3 days
grog made a pig of himself with it the first day
and stayed home for a (blessed) week
when he finally reappeared his skin was grey
and he lay on the couch softly moanin’
but not saying much
gee i didnt have a lotta sympathy for the olde wanker
waddsy on the other hand just piled in harder
he seemed fucking indestructible
with his diet of coke, winston ciggies, hamburgers, n sodapop
he was always alert n on the ball
3 months we were there
spending so much money that we’d never recoup
(we still probably havent)
day in day out of insults n abuse from these 2
driving round la scoring pot n getting into trouble
ploogy screaming out at the merry barbequers at our apts
“i dont dig your fucking altar!”
arista pouring money into the record
hey its sold almost a million in u.s. alone
but we’ll never see any money
cos it cost so much to make
days n days wasted buggering about
moving all over l.a. to other money eating studios
our stupid manager dont care
hes already commissioned the huge recording advance
now he dont care or know …
if you listen to the record
its actually flat lifeless n sterile
great songs, sure
but the performance, the sounds are ordinary
we coulda got that in australia in a week or 2
for a 20th of the money we spent
but what did we know
these were the ex-spurts
big shot american hard-assed turkeys
they knew best!
anyway
the rest is history
utmw accidentally became a hit
and everyone said
“whatta great record!”
is it really?
it aint a patch on heyday or priest
it was successful despite of grog n waddsy
not because of….
so there ya go
dont expect me to be all excited about sel-fish
it was purgatory having to cope with grog
waddsy i gotta bit of a soft spot for
he does know a bit about music i guess
not the kinda music i like, mind ya..
you dont hear much about grog these days
i mean i dont think his “producing” career went much further
he turned up at a gig after utmw wassa bit of a hit
trying half-heartedly to ameliorate it with me
but i just fucking smiled at him like
are you fucking serious… i fucking hate ya!
waddsy we worked with again
that was gaf
ha ha
lets all sing it now
“i shoulda known better!”
anyway
theres the short sordid history about our big one
too much money…tho none for us
too much cocaine
too much argy-bargy
just too much
can ya believe it was almost 20 years ago?
seems like only last century…
more tails tomorrow!
sk

they say everyones in showbiz…
if yer in the kilbey family
it could be true…
my dad as you know
was a wonderful boogie woogie pianist
(interestingly he always pronounced the g in
boogie woogie as a soft g like a j)
he entertained his mates all over europe
back in the forties
when he was away from his other job
killing the enemy…
you could whistle a song to my dad
or he could hear a new beatles song
and he could sit right down n play it
chords n bass n all
it always sounded a bit “daddish” to me
it wasnt quite right…
these days i realise dad had a couple of standard progressions
and hed bend any song you gave him to fit into them
like a backdrop hed previously prepared
dad loved his 7th chords n his flourishes
it was always the same couple of flourishes too
it lent all his renditions a slightly comical air
but it was very much him
instantly recognizable after a few bars
its an accomplishment in itself, fiendss
to stamp your own sound on an instrument
have ya ever sat down n banged around on a piano?
can you imagine how much time n love
one has to invest to have yer own style n sound
that people can pick instantly?
the day i met tom verlaine in 1988
he walked in my room
picked up an acoustic guitar
played 2 notes
n i could hear it was him immediately
his relationship with the guitar
was totally unlike anybody else i’d ever seen
and i seen a few…
well in his own way my dad was kinda like that
my mother
on the other hand
has just written a book…
yes thats right
and it aint no joke
and
it will be for sale soon too
so watch out!
no i aint read it…!
ive complained n complained
to olde juicy joycie but i aint been allowed to read it
could it be she wants it safely in print
before i spot the errors anachronisms n bloopers?
anyway guess what?
thats my chrismas present this year
the book
its called
the tale of the old iron pot
is this same oblique nod to marijuana?
(joyce :NO!)
who is the old iron pot? auntie lu-lu?
surely not you mother dear?
tho sometimes i thought you were made of iron…
my mum kinda kept me on a short leash
both literally n figuratively
i found out just recently
she used to take me out with reins on
a child harness
you dont see them too much these days
but imagine
my mum walking the infant steven
thru the supermarket
and im chomping at the bit
and straining at the leash…
it was the leasht i could do
down boy she says
im always leaning forward
trying to get away
trying to chat up all the girl babies
and “bop” all the boys
bopping was what i called hitting
another baby paul: mum, steven keeps bopping me!
i was a big little bastard n i liked to throw my weight around
so my mums just lived thru all that bombing
and she comes from a family of 8
who were workingmans working class
so she aint full of no hi-falutin’ dr spock
namby pamby pscychological bullshit
she yer olde fashioned mum
the true weilder of the power
if my mum said jump
i jumped
i did
partly cos i loved ‘er
partly cos i was afraid of ‘er
and partly cos it was the 1950s
and some assumptions had not yet been questioned
eg you did what yer mum n dad said!
despite being a precocious n cheeky rude sod
i always did what they said
my trespass was verbal
hardly ever physical
occaisionally my mum gave me a “flippin’ backhander”
but it was never undeserved
if my mother said go to bed
i went to fucking bed
not like the doodles
standing around arguing the toss
and all their delaying tactics
sometimes i feel like ive gotten a double whammy
i mean
when i grew up
ya did as ya were told
ok i thought back then
if thats the system
i’ll benefit when i get kids o’ my own
but hey
the system went n changed sometime
just when i was getting ready to have my turn
kids had to go n get emancipated
hey joycie
id like to see ya under todays conditions…
when evies having a meltdown in the soopa markit
or elli n minna are clobberin’ each other!
or auroras chucked everything she owns everywhere
and is now sobbing
cos youve gently “suggested” she might like to pick it up
or when baby bumpers crawling all over ya
in the middle of the night…
yeah so you can kinda see
how i got it at both ends
childhood and parenthood
nevermind all that
the book only goes up to the year my father died
so no cherch
my mother will brook no favouritism
so i am not apparently
a major player in this book
its not about me!
i just happen to be a son in it!
maybe best supporting role
i must say im looking forward to reading it
i hope it doesnt end up in court though joyce
i mean neither of us could afford lawyers for a start
and itd be pandemonium in the courtroom
if you start mispronouncing words and getting mixed up
and you may force me to call up surprise witnesses
like that spy (!??)….
(you know who i mean!)
so i better come off good or else
well well well
i have another day of work (WORK!) ahead of me
singing writing mixing
goofing off at the patisserie round the corner
(amazing veggie pie n soy chai tea)
so im gonna split this scene
take my bat n ball
n piss off
home!

im sitting upstairs in an office
above the studio
oh yeah
it wassa late night n an early start
for this fellow here
writing this to you
wherever n whoever you are
thank you for donations all you donors
for the rest of ya….
yeah you
FREELOADER!
nah im just kidding
we’re in here working on whatisname
yeah that one i told ya bout befour
the weather is blustery
this morning bondi was enveloped in a thick fog
that suddenly was burned away by a scorching sun
a clear blue sky appeared
then just as suddenly
the fog rolled back in again
now its windy n wild
been doing some singing
playing a little bass
generally carrying on
if you know what i mean…
and how could you?
and then,
why not?
type type type go my finglers
my thrumbs never type
my stereo types
your my type baybee
and im writing this blog to you
n i hope it gets through
i really do
scarlet likes the song moon river
when i sing it she joins in and flashes her eyes
ive been trying to figure out how she flashes her eyes
none of my other kids nor me nor nk have flashed their eyes
what is it exactly?
its like for a split second her whole absolute attention
is focussed on you
and the flash says im with you
i understand
i know what these lyrics mean…
all in that one little almost imperceptible flash
ive seen annie lennox do it…
i guess only females can get away with it successfully
it cant be overdone either
scarlet does it effortlessly
she doesnt think oh im gonna flash my eyes in a minute
if youre thinkin’ about it
or tryin’ to do it
you already failed childe
but if you got it
ah……
that look can conquer empires
im sure olde cleo-patchra
had some tricks up her sleeve, steeve
those olde latino generals
caeser sees her
caesar salad
antony sees her
antony dont seize her! caesar!
caesar will mark antony
oh mighty caesar we have laid waste gaul
and we await your bidding
the emperor of the republic and the kingdom
said
dont bring me white tigers balls
or the tongues of hummingbirds
neither do i crave alligator leather
or ostrich meat…
i need tickets to the churchy space cake
vegetarian xmas knees up + schpeshal grests
at the basement sydney 23rd dec
its gonna be a space rock singalong earspitting racket
perfect for calibrating yooltyde
and being mary during the knackativity
or whatever you choose
christmas with the olde time being this year
you wont be lonely wherever you are
olde scrooge yeblik is gonna get a visit
from the spirit of xmas yet to come
+ the twillies
+ the doodles
+ the bumper
a joyous watchalong scmaltzy seasonal baloney-fest
from the gang who gave ya christmas at easter
and christmas on the moon
hey i gotta go n work now
can i have an early bird mark?
and what of the early worm?
if he should turn
turn out to be
a tiny
tiny
snake?

neville the devil
was a hell of a man
he worked for old b.el.z.bub
delivering sneezes
and straightening out speed bumps
neville the devil
had a dog named x
and a cat called pussy
he liked to walk backwards
and he smoked liquid cigarettes
he never wrote anything down
and he didnt have a motto
his mother called him gerald
his father called him reg
he often drank but seldomly
and then hardly ever
neville the devil
had a mirror
it reflected someone elses face
the previous owners in fact
many people thought it was impossible
but many others didnt think at all
the street where he lived was one way
the wrong way
there was no chance of approaching him
neville the devil was collecting souls
he needed another 3 million or so
before his master would let him
have his long service leave
in a delicious stygian pit full of she-devils
with big red breasts n slinky tails
he polished his trident and dreamed
he dreamed of all the wickedness
the bribes n the fixes
the theft n the cheating
the larceny n forgery
the rubber cheques n the phony cigars
3 million souls eh?
well it would take some doing…
neville the devil
took the bus into town
gee its hot in here today thought the driver
whats that smell of brimstone? said mrs gwen mc donald
as she straightened out her respectability
neville the devil
jumped off outside the high n low courts
he walked into the cafe and snatched a barristers soul
n 2 crooked jurors who were having muesli bars
he moved into the judges chambers
and removed chief justice witherspoons immortal essence
bah! he said
small change!
i need something bigger faster
he thought of those she-devils
and the lovely temperatures down in the darkest pits
he needed something big
he needed a caper to set up his retirement
neville the devil
swept thru the streets
every now n then
he would stop to extract some juicy soul
uh oh
here comes that greedy dentist
the one who drilled perfectly healthy teeth
n then recommended you to his brother in law
the bent orthodontist, stanley silverstone
who charged an arm n a leg
neville the devil
quickly purloined his soul
ha! he’ll never miss it chuckled our little demon
he drifted thru parliament house
helping himself to a smorgasbord of souls
one from the left
one from the right
one from the left…
oh this was too easy
besides he only got half points on politicians
so what? b.el.z.bub said
when he had delivered up the souls
formerly belonging to the leaders of the free world
what can i do with all this junk?
neville the devil
slunk down the big end of town
where the entertainment corporations towered
skyscrapers full of salon tanned ,gold jewellry wearing
podgy, comb-over ,bmw suv driving, key to the vip pissoir
talentless, wine swilling, coke snorting, meat eating
sinners
ah said n the d
mmmmm
the aromatic odour of evil….!
neville the devil
could already see his holiday villa
perched above hills of magma
while lightning lit up the darkest recess of hell
he sighed
he could almost feel the she-devils tongues of flame
and their agonizing caresses
boom boom boom
he snatched 3 black souls just like that
mmm thats quite filling he thought
as the former executive producers n ad men
squirmed round in his belly
he trawled the typing pool n the art departments
reeling in his grim harvest of spirits
something big was just around the corner
some big bad bastard so evil….
neville the devil
knew he was onto the big one
some mega-nasty soul that could set him up
with a nice hades address and his own chariot of fire…
on the thirteenth floor
was a suite of offices
the private suites of sir dennis swine-browne
the head of the music biz for the entire world
you see the big 3 had become the big 2
and then sir dennis had acquisitioned the remaining one
and now
he
and he alone
arrogant, tasteless, macho
a big hairy chest with a “leo” pendant
hours n hours of dull anecdotes
his employees had to listen to n smile
big noting name dropping
callous, rotten , useless alpha male
sir dennis hated music n musicians
he was a fucking philistine n proud of it
he didnt want no namby pamby indy bullshit
on his label….the only label now
fuck!
sir dennis thought chrissy ugly-learer was too damn artsy
sir dennis thought justin timberflake was too “bohemian”
he was looking for someone big
just like
neville the devil
who
at that moment
burst into sir dennis office
i want your soul
neville the devil said
touche
said sir dennis
have i gotta deal for you?!
neville the devil
pricked up his little red ears
whats that you say?
sir dennis laughed n lit a cigar
ha ha ma boy, i can putcha name up in lights
suddenly those she-devils n hades seemed a long long way down
can ya play guitar? asked sir dennis
nope
can ya sing or write songs?
nope!
can ya dance and move?
nope nope!
great! said sir dennis
you’ll be perfect!
and he rushed
neville the devil
into a studio….
max martin had just got a new song ready
a sizzling summer hit
for the hot one hundred
a scorching remix too
it was produced by r. mcgeddon
sir dennis right hand man
who made sure nothing good would fuck the songs chances up
the tune shot up the charts like
a bat out of..er…hell
safely ensconced at the top of the charts
neville the devil
partied with marilyn manson
“an idiot”
ozzy osbourne
“didnt say much”
and keithy urbane
“boy , he likes to part-eee!’
he visited paris
and entered the hilton by the back door
(he was so famous)
he hung out with prez bush
(“reminds me of my old boss, but stupider”)
and he did a gig in baghdad
(“my kinda place”)
in the end tho
people got sick of satanic rock
im sorry my boy but yer career is over
sir dennis texted him one day
neville the devil was finished
he looked in his mirror
and crossed n uncrossed his cloven hooves
damn
he said
damn
damn
damn

a new week
an open book
we move into summer
north moves into winter
oh roll out those hazy crazy lazy days of summer
and let the good times roll too….
hot tropical nights w/ rain beating down
romance
celebration
beautiful music swelling up
the memories all crowd in
parties break out up n down the streets
in bedrooms lovers merge
champagne mixing with the deluge
tropical fish tank throws green light
flesh flows n dips
new life begins
black cat in darkness
witches familiar
gentle knock knock knock at door
you stand there unchanged
broad palm leaves collect water
clouds hurry on by
wine and roses
bamboo n chinese shrubs
sleek cars pull away
the mysteries enfold each other
god
angel
woman
child
nothing
everything reduced
everything must go
the storm renders all black n green
the outside is a blur
vaguely hear voices
someone somewhere laughing
someone else singing
the night stretches on for miles
it squeezes the city
it squats down over the coast
and envelopes the houses
it fools around with golf courses n playgrounds
it slides under the doors
it drips outside the windows
nightflowers bloom
nightfriends arrive
all around us the arms of the night
rain increasing steadily
thunder a deep rumble out to sea
give in
give up
give way to it
succumb
go under
lose yourself
loose yourself
let the thoughts
roll to the back of your mind
rest
let it all go
sleep