The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

• y

i exist in spades

my twisted convoluted story  is a thing of strange wonder

i am multiples surely thats much is obvious

i really am you and you really are he or she

cliche it may be

me? who me tonight?

i move in diagonals along energy meridians

buried deep in my cortex

my face is designed to appeal to you

my voice is talking in your ear

my hands release the brake

i kill i give life i die i have a piss

no limits tonight the house accepts any bet

the wheel spins the numbers rotate the balls tingle in anticipation

i lost my shirt :  i guess they werent bluffing

steve….?

a voice outta the crowd

oh no not the freaking voices trip again

nevertheless a voice in or outta the crowd says steve…?

i peer into the gloom of my mind where the crowd must be

fuck yes its crowded in there

trams and pedestrians crossing

men n women girls n boys

the living n the dead

everynight some escape onto these pages you read

yes you are me etc

cosmic ? fuck yes

stupid ?  uh huh

anyway i looking for that voice saying my name

steve ….?

the night is wearing thin

a handshake

its a person i dont recognise

steve….!

i snap to

its andrew andrews my boss from last nights blog

i felt dismayed that his character hasnt been explored more

so here he is back again tonight

i guess something about a guy called andrew andrews tickled my fancy

not as if i couldnt have thought of any other silly name like that

charlie charles

mick nicks

i dunno

anyway andrews is a rude bastard

he’s no longer my boss tho

tonight i’m playing myself in this saggy saga

steve…?! the rude bastard says again

he comes up n shouts something in my ear

its deafening

BLACK THIRTEEN!

what?  i mouth back

BLACK THIRTEEN ! he bawls in my ear

he indicates the spinning wheels at the tables

he urges me to put it all on that number

hang on ….hang on…all what….?

whatever you got …..andrews says  over the other voices

i take out my mastercard

i got 1700 bucks on the card i know i just checked it

i chuck it on with my remaining chips

the wheels spin again

red 26…. fuck it ! i lose !

andrews shrugs

sorry he says as i walk off

outside its nevada the badlands

i’m penniless now

i cant afford to be in this story

its night its cold its the badlands

i turn the page and i’m in fucking tahiti

i’m loaded i’m young

i’m surrounded by luxury

mr andrew andrews ha!

see if i care

i summon up a vegan platter of fresh veggies n various dipping sauces

its all going on here

hey i’ll even chuck in a bit of poetry

the quick brown fog jumped over the lady docs

my room overlooks the beach with horizon glimpses

all rooms come equipped with silver where

please call room service for extra room

no card games after 11 says a sign

the fucking internets slow isnt it?

i look up its andrews again

andrews sitting on my bed with a woman

he grins : better than nevada , eh…..?

i walk through a door and i’m back in bondi

back in my own room now

my rented room with the red light

my books n my magazines

my clothes chucked about

my twelve stringed guitar

marconi union on the eyebox

ringling ears n all that

type type type

goodnight

freakshot

tragedy strikes

the fall of rome

falling through the air

onward to earth

a pleasant stupor overtaking us

by the light of luminescent fish

tanked to the gills

the mellifluous flow of the time

one second leads to the next seamlessly

oh fuck my head aches with all this

all this what ? says some insolent bystander

what? i say

youre stupid says someone else

someone i cant see clearly

i pick up a handful of rocks

and chuck them in the general vicinity  of those voices

i hurt behind the shirts n curtains

my dumbness smarts

it really does

inside this poem its all dark and echoey

its all paranoia and intrigue

come let me take you into my interiors

a mirror of the real worlds

it all happens in opposite

unlikely is likely

likely unlikely

crikey mate its not what you think

in my red light room

i slip into the stream

and i accelerate my particles

i finish up beginning

its my night now

i can hear and see new things

you knew things…?  says somebody in earshot

yeah i knew things were wrong

a black path crossed under my ladder

seven bad years of  luck

i go down the esplanade where the lights are dim

i half expect to run into you n him

i cram in a life between the lines

its meanwhile in great britain

i’m not me anymore

i’m some guy i coulda been

instead of left

i’m sitting in this car

i’m speeding down the road in some rainy city

i’m listening to the radio

i’m driving home to the stockbroker belt

i’m got this lovely house

a split level job in sir francis drake of assisi street

gee i got one of those controls makes the garage door go up

i drive into my garage

the door comes down and i walk through a door into the house

instantly a light comes on

i go to the fridge its covered in christmas cards

i pour myself a stiff drink of something

in this life i guess i need a stiff drink after working all day

somebody laughs n says huh!  you havin’ a job ha ha

yeah my job is as a…um i work in an office…

i’m a…..consultant …i guess

i earn 1000 pounds a week

remember this is in the passed

thats a lotta dough

my house is really super

a fabulous stereophonic system

playing the groovy sounds of now

central heating hums on all efficiency

still i’m sick of myself even in this new life

i’m on the run from something

nobodys happy with me

i got bills mounting up

my wife and children they……..

i look out at the swimming pool in the cold rain

not inviting at all

its hardly ever been used

no time for stuff like that

the clock says 6:52

it was a present from a former day saint

reality is all prickly it sits on my shoulders all itchy

suspicion is paramount the phone rings and i jump

its some idiot i owe money to …….fuck

the swimming pool in the rain

the flash motor in the garage

the quiet central heating purrs

but this isnt me ….someone says tho not me

this isnt england some other smart alec says just to ruin things

whats on the television  a documentary film about greenland

too bloody boring shouts that philistine inevitably

i bloody well like stuff about greenland the real kilbey says

i imagine myself self rugged against all that winter

i imagine in sitting in godthaab at a cafe watching winter close in

i put too much time in to imagining this

my boss is mr andrews and he is intimidating

mr andrews first name is andrew

mr suddenly vacant

mr obviously rich

mr kinda cruel

i imagine greenlands and goof off at my job

i consult about uh engineering

you know stress ratios and crack factor four

all that stuff

i took some money to approve something

i said yeah go ahead

its safe i’m sure its safe

but it wasnt safe at all

green land would be safe

turn off the mechanism silence the core

lock down the velocity and settle  back in old albion

i calculate the weight of snow in the night

i imagine greenland thawing in spring

the groovy now sounds of now

all harpsichord and moog synthesizer

the windows of your mind n all that ilk

the central heating dries my eyes a little

oh i shouldnt complain

the building collapsed on the tv

i watched it again n again

i watched it as the rain fell in the swimming pool

stiff drink  ? says steve stiffly

the central heating ssssshhhhhhh

i feel disconnected from anything

no points of reference pin me down

greenland ha are you serious

i watch the building on tv

it goes down

i hear the music

jericho towers

wow

four sale foreshore

the boy got that aloneliness again

bewildered in the big city

wandering along in the illusions

aloneliness in a hotel

aloneliness in a bedroom

aloneliness in a crowded train speeding into night

night makes it all worse

night makes it in unbearable

in a deserted dark place when the wind is cold

how abandoned in a field of towering flowers

i hide under the chairs begging for sleep to come

eventually all footsteps die away out there

metamorphosis complete

a child among the furniture

winters little boy on the edge of a cruel spring

a kid in his old man suit over a barrel hopping thru hoops

need to see where i’m going with this

this aloneliness these things that i dont like

cant sleep because of the dream

cant dream because of the fear

cant fear because i’m n was a boy

cant play a card right now i cant go

i watch a cartoon of my life

hey it looks just like me  i start to chuckle

a piano falls on my characters head

learn to let it go says a voice above -whoever dropped it

no wonder i see stars

in the cartoon i keep getting it all mixed up

do one thing say another thing yet another thing omitted

i’m pushing a wheel up a hill

or i’m rowing a boat against the current

or i’m trying to take off but my wings wont sing

its nearly ten

my eyelids are heavy sore and gritty

i hide in a cave i hide in a circuit

i hide in a space between today n tomorrow

when the bass guitar kicks in

when the comparisons can be made

when the ugliest truth if its never faced

i follow a pattern of thought

a humming sound in my ears

a warm place opens up in my head

a safe place

you can be safe in the warm place in your head

but they can still get in there

those things that frighten you

they come in as your good things escape

all those lovely good things pouring out in freefall

its funny how he snatches empty handed at the air

its funny how the good things fly away on cartoon wings

plunged into a carnival the lights dazzle my eyes

my parent lets of my hand

and i’m swept along with the throng

no one sees me under this blanket

curled up and doing deals with myself

some bit of paper in my hand

no one could love me

i twitch in my half slumber half number

my eyes are closed but my head is open

anger slips in unannounced

sympathy slips out

in my dreams i’m in india or ha ha england

and every thing is peachy

thats why i twitch in the gigantic bed

i looked like ive been wrecked on some reef

shuddering at the sound of my heart on the pillow

a minion in a king size bed

i drown in saturday night

its quite unpleasant breathing it all in

before you black out

tune out for a few hours

listen to some other voices

the ones who waiting for me in my warm place

where they dont let in aloneliness

indian rope trick

we crash outta boredom, pop 2,000

its deliberately left ambiguous so you get the most outta it

we crash outta something

we come falling down from somewhere

me n my friend

we come blazing outta nowhere

we arrive suddenly lets put it

burning up on entry like a meteor……. right?

unharmed though unhinged

with our souls slightly singed

singled out as twins

falling headfirst out of seventeenth heaven

we recline in a splendid cooling pool of rosewater

attended by lotuses which we dreamily eat

and little lovely fish with human eyes

oh strange

and green grow the rushes oh

invisible to tiger or wolf

in our languid pool

in our bluest of pools

in the softest water and light

none of this can ever happen perhaps

look i place an amazing moon here in your sky

look i decorate the forest with garlands of orchids n succulents

look i roam this path every twilight consorting with the grape

great birds fly overhead

everything turns golden in the dark

the enticing inviting dark

here take my arm

we saunter across the lunar streaked fields

my house is by the lake

drenched in wild spray and evening ray

come eat this sweet milky rice and drink cold water

my house is a shabby shack

a shrine to shiva : frankincense sandalwood rose

exquisite little statue of lord ganesh given by pan

a book a table a vase with white flowers

bear floor boards

we sprawl around through the tropical tranquil hours

laughing and eating fruit from ceylon

i never understand do i?

still the good times roll outta the horn of plenty

elemental servants wait on us hand and foot

you feel glamourous in the dark

just laying there on your mystic rug

we hear our voices muted in the hindu hush

we see our shadows making thin love

oh and the forest

decked out in its finest things

rushing towards us year in year out

approaching like a violent storm

the swans the parrots the snakes and the fronds

how we laugh in the dark

how we cruise through the endless night

how we swing on the stars

how we sleep like were dead

and how we laugh in the dark

i make you laugh you say stop it

what are we laughing for you laugh

ha ha ha i dont always see the joke

its funny nonetheless

wow its dreamy in my shabby shack by the lake

i’m ripped apart by life and someone else steps out

hey i know what i meant to mention…..the ferns

oh such a pleasant life

the fans spin round aimlessly in the sealing

the lianas too

wrapped around my trunks

money to burn and fire to spend

luxurious evening for lease / move in straight away

features cooing nightingales and swaying palms

krsna plays his flute somewhere in that jungle

in the sweet night sweet and black and full of hot sweetness

the blood beats in your head

the pound of your arteries all vain

india india india india

we’re really here

you say

we’re really almost here

Steve’s recent appearance on ABC TV show Spicks and Specks can be viewed here (Australian viewing only)

Steve will be appearing in the play VAN PARK at the Seymour Theatre, Chippendale (Sydney NSW):

“A burlesque rock comedy set in a run down caravan park in a remote part of the Australian coast, beside a slime filled estuary, is a rundown caravan park. It is here that a group of music lovers have gathered to live out their remaining years. Enter Curly, a young boy… a musical comedy staring John Paul Young as Curly’s rock and roll father – with an all star cast: Steve Kilbey, Cora James, Catriona Hamilton, Luke Webb and Remi Slade-Caffarel. “This is a fantastic Australian production and it has some of the best music I’ve ever been involved with… it’s even funny too” John Paul Young”

Dates:
Fri 10th Sept 2010 8.45pm
Sat 11th Sept 2010 6.00pm
Thu 16th Sept 2010  8.45pm
Sat 18th Sept 2010 6.00pm
Fri 24th Sept 2010 8.45pm

Tickets are $28/$24. Book your tickets here

bone idyll

in the morning it was snowing

i lay quietly watching oh baby gently dreaming

she murmured softly in her sleep

i held her hand tho she was far away

it was snowing and the flakes danced in the wind

they swirled around the bare trees in our garden

the room was warm n still

i lay there for a while feeling so contented

i watched my baby as she dreamed

i watched the swirling snow

i felt the delectable softness of our bed

i could smell babys sweet breath as she dreamed her lovely dream

her hair all tangled on the pillow

in her pink pyjamas

with her perfect skin

in our lovely old house

where we lived in my england

where there was no conflict

just a sleepy happiness

just another cup of tea and a muffin maybe

a muffin baby bought for me when she was shopping

she bought me a muffin home and she kissed me on the forehead

i got this for you she said

it was the most delicious muffin

we shared it baby didnt we

we share everything dont we

everything our house and our garden and our make believe lives

baby says oh dear steven i could never hurt you

and i believe her and i trust her and she is always  kind

baby kisses my back

baby says oh steven let me take care of you

and she makes me porridge and toast and jam

and we watch the snow together

we talk about narnia too

we both love those books

as we eat our toast and drink our tea

and what will we do today..?  i ask baby

and she points to that silly little dog we have

and so we get all rugged up nice n warm

tuck your shirt in properly she says

you’ll never stay warm with your shirt all hanging out

and she tucks it in for me

she says i’m a silly poppet

and we go out walking

in the woods

our little dog runs along happily

oh what a crisp cold day

baby your cheeks are all rosy

baby your hands are all cold

i warm them up for you

i love to hold your cold little hands, dont i?

i wear the gloves your mother made for me

here steve she said i know blue is your favourite colour

a pair of blue gloves, oh thank you i said

youre welcome she said and smiled

you and her with that same smile

i wear my blue gloves and i think of that smile

we walk through the woods together

we talk about the trees and the little brook

we talk about reynard the fox

we talk about the old black crow in the tree

we talk about christmas

i wonder what i’ll get for you this year

something really nice thats for sure

something for a cold day like this

something pretty that will suit you

when we get home you put the kettle on

another cuppa? you ask

we have some biscuits with pink and yellow icing

teddy bear biscuits oh my favourite

i clap my hands with delight

gee youre nice …! i say shyly then

am i really nice ? you ask

oh yes i say of course

really really nice…! i add

wow thanks …you say

as you dip a yellow teddy bear into your tea

and the snow starts up again outside

and the fire crackles again in the grate

and evening falls in shades of blue

i sip my tea

i watch my baby

gee i love her so much

do you really ? she says

yes baby i say

yes

i really do

night errant

its like its 1957 or something i dont know

its nighttime its all so cozy

its all candle lit n pink

its so bedroomy

its so untouchable here

that soft serenading music

that extra touch that warm white emptiness

that loveliness those flowers gently closing down

the mind all furry all fuzzy all fury abated

slip into this my dear

oh these are the old days come back

we are comfortable comfortable beyond comfort

we have come from the future satiated

we reenter a black n white world

a world of cups of tea n gentle endless rain

its england my england remade in my own english way

the way i wanted england to be but it never was

so i made my england up

its warm n nice here in the past

no bloody sound ‘cept that fire crackling deliciously in our hearth

you n me n that little dog make um three of course

and our little fish swimming round n round

outside the sky is purple

the rain fallls in the streetlamps n in the headlights

the rain falls like rain in a novel

me and my melancholy baby

my tender little babykins

we in cottonwool here

on this autumn smoky purple night

with our marmalade with our hot chocolates

with our jarmies on

with our comfy old slippers

with our music playing from somewhere

as the rain comes down on our roof

as we sit together on the setee

as i do the crossword and you read a magazine

how we talk about the garden out there in the rain

oh you look so natural in the whitish pinkish glow

you look happy reading your magazine

thats our song playing now

thats it listen to those words

i remember yesterday like it was tomorrow

you left me a loan when i wanted to borrow

you said you would love me come what may

but what came just may be considered today

i read the rest of the newspaper

2 boys stole an ice cream at haddock head

a policeman in blackthorn found a ring missing for 2 years

wimble and marsh open their new haberdashery on the high street

local boy wins pigeon contest

bill turner-strutt to marry miss martina giddings of swansea, wales

the night moves from purple to deep mauve

oh i have a hot bath and i watch the rain on the pane

baby you come in and talk to me as i float in the tub

you suck on a throat pastille

the bathroom is peaceful

the water makes a gentle sloshing sound

its nearly thursday

we’ll sleep in

it might even snow tomorrow some one said

its nice here

so sleepy now

so safe and warm n sleepy

cuddle up

thats the way

oh your pyjamas smell nice

yes yes goodnight darling

goodnight sweetheart

yes

i love you too

yes

goodnight

aahhh

the human gargoyle gazes down from notre damn

old kilbey old stargazer old bastard face from outta space

look at ‘im  darlin’ its that fucking kilbey

yeah life dealing to me from bottom of the deck

yeah i still manage to sing  a brand new song

oh man you got it easy kilbey

no famine no plague no war on vandals

no disaster befalleth thee

who is thy enemy but me….?

not so

i face a foe whose stronger than just my stupid self

you cant kill it with a shot or a knife

insidious  perfidious ubiquitous

almost invisible   almost no smell

almost undetectable you think

almost you think

you almost think

so hard to fight you : where are you…?

i am everywhere

what do you want from us?

everything you have

what it is you demand?

you know what i demand

yes i know

you demand to be fed

you demand mornings you demand afternoons

you demand children you demand happiness

you demand dignity you demand pride

you demand money you demand lies

you demand theft you demand anger

you demand sickness you demand chaos

i hate you

i hate you evil spirit

i hate you i always hated you

yeah i seen your work everywhere all my life

i seen your wreckage

i seen your tragic trail as you lurch through humanity

i seen the poor fuckers you sucked dry

i seen the poor suckers you fucked over

where do you live , alcoholic spirit?

i live somewhere between the body and the mind

you cannot stop me with hatred

you cannot stop me with fury

you cannot stop me with appeals to reason

you cannot get your hands round my neck

i am elusive i am tricky i am a liar

i am a destroyer i am almost unstoppable

i claim who i choose and i send ’em down until you lose

i take youth i take health i take wealth i take friends i take all

what can i do

oh what can i do?

you can do nothing

even in fighting me you give me strength

i pick up momentum every time you rail against me

i laugh at your tears

i laugh at your torment

and i get bigger and i get stronger

and i burn like a blaze inside

and i consume your lives

and i consume your love

and i burn until there is nothing left

and i move on

on and on and on

and no one

NO ONE ,KILBEY , LEAST OF ALL YOU, WILL EVER STOP ME …..

yeah but i gotta keep trying, spirit

i gotta keep trying…….

100% weird : crunching

o daddyo

you winsome you loathsome

oh yeah remember  that sweet baby

wayback when i stumble humbled through the rippling reeds

the lake deeper and colder , you didnt expect that

the time has shot by the time of our lives

a million hours of pleasure have past

a door slams

a voice somewhere

for the first time something turns

and for the last time something else stops turning

the returner is among the crowd

i came back for you

the kisses rained down on my back yard by feet

the music almost imperceptible

you see the tapes were uncorrupted

innocent men cut this track

sweating over a hot console in glebe

i saw it once in visionguard

i heard it on the new system in ethiopan mode

i felt it with the mansuits custom options including multi-touch

baby this aint the future this aint the past

this is now a days

this is right in this right now oops! already gone

this is the way they did it in the old days

this is the time of yes todays

yes today all my troubles felt so far, aweigh

i need a space to ride, a way ……

oh i be, leave in yes today

any way theres no more right now

i guess thats it then

within minutes the words that blew down the street

had changed

and the intelligence that had hurled them was gone

the air they had passed through was sour

it emitted the tiniest sparks from little rainbowed glowing pinpricks

it transmitted different things on different levels

sound yes certainly

spirit was harder against the thick lucidity of the temperature

the flesh crawled a little on the other side

the will sagged flagging out like a failed safe sail

like a fire sale for wet suits

or a  burn of  aqua by some fan off their hinge

just more then a sharp intake of breath stroke i mean comma

this is anxietystic nausea

the fear of great or small things aligning in some certain way

telescoping into a compact sphere the size of man, hat on

i celebrate the hideous or the wonderful

the middle ground holds no sanctuary for me

suddenly something happens!

you turn suspiciously out the corner of an eye

blinking thinking blinking synching

there ….no…..there…..no, no ……there…..!

the quick brown fox

the lazy dog

the crown n the anchor

the voices suddenly human

suddenly that sound is making unmistakable english words

vivid intoxicating stream of alien poetry

something like this

in distance our machines cut  all time

we did this ….we!

to ourselves crying all besides  in night

descendants of the abyss

children of chasm

the webbed ones the ones in transition

the ugly things of nowhere recast in stardust

soon frequency eating life seeking moon milking monsoon

the cosmic epsilon the theta shake

the transcendental damn indelible stitches in space

shiva shivers slivers flake caking slicing icing sheets sleets

the cipher ends in dots………

the moon housed in haze diffused itself in pinkish haloes

the pilot gestures to the stars : its as if they know……

outside its cold enough to burn you yearning to die

ra returns in unmasked glory

the sun is slashed to a low price

the fuels we require lie deep in your world

someone says sorry for killing every last thing alive

captain intermission explodes in  vegetal bliss

straight or curved , willing or kicking

we all will arrive here he says

a guarantee of ecstasy  written in yer triple helix, felix

luna inside her bag is hanging off a bed

her bad pain is gone and for now she sleeps

sleep is like travel which is like spirit

soul is garden is flow is light

morning detonates along the planets atmos

the rush of vapour through the solace system

smashed and grabbed drugged and mugged

once there were no checks no limits no hard fast rules

gods toppled kings murdered princes killing slaves

desire snakes unslaked inspired by lewd nudity of black whole stars

our cargo in the hold old already by andromedas ellipse

our arc is brilliant as we flame on in the photonsphere

a hundred units of thrust

muscle provided by harnessing a bestial power

a dirty unreliable source of speed

inch by inch we radiate forward

pressure : unstable

altitude : irregular

velocity: in the blue

acceleration : rapid but wiry

destination : out of memory

model : lifeform

sex : freemale

gender : neuter lite

mach : X

serial # : 00000000.0

expiry date 22 8 10