100% miss scarlet
ive seen some characters in my day
the good the bad n the ugly
the wild innocent and the oxford street shuffle
ive seen some weird silly crazy affected loony nutty eccentric types
wow theres miss scarlet right there
the most ornery stubborn insistent child
but also
when she wants
the sweetest cuddliest nicest one too
shes got a big head full of brains
she looks like this picture of the scarecrow
after oz bulged his head with all them brains
that i had in a book as a kid…
shes tricky shes finicky shes temperamental
she iffy shes pernickety she’s a bit cross right now
she likes it her way
she wants it all ways
she wants her cake n she wants to devour it too
who the hell was this kid in her last lives?
the queen of bloody sheba by the way she carries on
or genghis khan when shes terrorising the doodles
or some oldtime great actress when shes squeezing out tears for a big scene
her body type is solid
solid as in a wrestler
she has not one ounce of fat but she is solid
solid vegetarian muscle and she likes to throw her weight around
boy she gets mad and insulted quickly too
the doodles are both amiable types
theyre fairly slow to take offence
but miss scarlet can infer an insult in your slightest glance
if youre not 100 % enthusiastic then FORGET IT!
dont talk down to her dont fob her off
dont ignore her or pretend to listen
SHES ON TO YOU !
and just when you think youve had enough of baby bonaparte
suddenly theres little hands on you stroking your back as ya do yoga
or a curly head lobs into view
i love you dad she says in her husky whisper
dripping in sincerity
shes acting and meaning it all at once
shes so much larger than life she can hardly fit
eyes like liz taylor she melts grannies n mummies in the street
every feature is big
a big smile
a big frown
a big forehead figgering it all out
shes playing with her flying unicorns or whatever
dad ? she says
yeah ? i say looking up
not you ! she says, …its my unicorn talking to his father….
a minute later
dad?
yeah ! i say
miss scarlet gets angry
i told you its not you! i’m playing !
then a minute later
dad?
yeah i say
miss scarlet valve bounces at this
she jumps out of her chair
runs backwards into a cupboard
crashes into it and slides down it
then she fixes me with her glowering frown
DAD!!!!!!
after that shes too upset with unicorns
ive ruined the spell
ive intruded into her reality
and goddammit she cant just put it all back together that easily
her hair is fine corkscrews which often turn blond white at the tips
its like shes been created by a computer to drive ya wild
shes always warm too
and i guess she gives off some pheremone
because she always smells so nice you dont wanna let her go
but still shes a real ratbag
she’ll crash yer party
she’ll eat yer cake
she’ll take yer go
she’ll come n leave just when she likes
she likes to wail and moan and then uh oh
wild mood swing she starts laughing uncontrollably
gosh it must be hard being miss scarlet
she doesnt make it easy on herself or her parents or sisters
but to strangers
why miss scarlet is a very reasonable person
she loves a chat or a game n shes very friendly
she just saves all the wild stuff for the fambley
we bear the brunt off her wrath
we enjoy the glow of her benevolence
we rush to head off the next full blown tanty
her huff arrives and she departs in it
miss scarlet 5 years old
someday shes gonna make her future husband(s) go crazy
in spades
and thats for sure!
