The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

bone idyll

in the morning it was snowing

i lay quietly watching oh baby gently dreaming

she murmured softly in her sleep

i held her hand tho she was far away

it was snowing and the flakes danced in the wind

they swirled around the bare trees in our garden

the room was warm n still

i lay there for a while feeling so contented

i watched my baby as she dreamed

i watched the swirling snow

i felt the delectable softness of our bed

i could smell babys sweet breath as she dreamed her lovely dream

her hair all tangled on the pillow

in her pink pyjamas

with her perfect skin

in our lovely old house

where we lived in my england

where there was no conflict

just a sleepy happiness

just another cup of tea and a muffin maybe

a muffin baby bought for me when she was shopping

she bought me a muffin home and she kissed me on the forehead

i got this for you she said

it was the most delicious muffin

we shared it baby didnt we

we share everything dont we

everything our house and our garden and our make believe lives

baby says oh dear steven i could never hurt you

and i believe her and i trust her and she is always  kind

baby kisses my back

baby says oh steven let me take care of you

and she makes me porridge and toast and jam

and we watch the snow together

we talk about narnia too

we both love those books

as we eat our toast and drink our tea

and what will we do today..?  i ask baby

and she points to that silly little dog we have

and so we get all rugged up nice n warm

tuck your shirt in properly she says

you’ll never stay warm with your shirt all hanging out

and she tucks it in for me

she says i’m a silly poppet

and we go out walking

in the woods

our little dog runs along happily

oh what a crisp cold day

baby your cheeks are all rosy

baby your hands are all cold

i warm them up for you

i love to hold your cold little hands, dont i?

i wear the gloves your mother made for me

here steve she said i know blue is your favourite colour

a pair of blue gloves, oh thank you i said

youre welcome she said and smiled

you and her with that same smile

i wear my blue gloves and i think of that smile

we walk through the woods together

we talk about the trees and the little brook

we talk about reynard the fox

we talk about the old black crow in the tree

we talk about christmas

i wonder what i’ll get for you this year

something really nice thats for sure

something for a cold day like this

something pretty that will suit you

when we get home you put the kettle on

another cuppa? you ask

we have some biscuits with pink and yellow icing

teddy bear biscuits oh my favourite

i clap my hands with delight

gee youre nice …! i say shyly then

am i really nice ? you ask

oh yes i say of course

really really nice…! i add

wow thanks …you say

as you dip a yellow teddy bear into your tea

and the snow starts up again outside

and the fire crackles again in the grate

and evening falls in shades of blue

i sip my tea

i watch my baby

gee i love her so much

do you really ? she says

yes baby i say

yes

i really do

the human gargoyle gazes down from notre damn

old kilbey old stargazer old bastard face from outta space

look at ‘im  darlin’ its that fucking kilbey

yeah life dealing to me from bottom of the deck

yeah i still manage to sing  a brand new song

oh man you got it easy kilbey

no famine no plague no war on vandals

no disaster befalleth thee

who is thy enemy but me….?

not so

i face a foe whose stronger than just my stupid self

you cant kill it with a shot or a knife

insidious  perfidious ubiquitous

almost invisible   almost no smell

almost undetectable you think

almost you think

you almost think

so hard to fight you : where are you…?

i am everywhere

what do you want from us?

everything you have

what it is you demand?

you know what i demand

yes i know

you demand to be fed

you demand mornings you demand afternoons

you demand children you demand happiness

you demand dignity you demand pride

you demand money you demand lies

you demand theft you demand anger

you demand sickness you demand chaos

i hate you

i hate you evil spirit

i hate you i always hated you

yeah i seen your work everywhere all my life

i seen your wreckage

i seen your tragic trail as you lurch through humanity

i seen the poor fuckers you sucked dry

i seen the poor suckers you fucked over

where do you live , alcoholic spirit?

i live somewhere between the body and the mind

you cannot stop me with hatred

you cannot stop me with fury

you cannot stop me with appeals to reason

you cannot get your hands round my neck

i am elusive i am tricky i am a liar

i am a destroyer i am almost unstoppable

i claim who i choose and i send ’em down until you lose

i take youth i take health i take wealth i take friends i take all

what can i do

oh what can i do?

you can do nothing

even in fighting me you give me strength

i pick up momentum every time you rail against me

i laugh at your tears

i laugh at your torment

and i get bigger and i get stronger

and i burn like a blaze inside

and i consume your lives

and i consume your love

and i burn until there is nothing left

and i move on

on and on and on

and no one

NO ONE ,KILBEY , LEAST OF ALL YOU, WILL EVER STOP ME …..

yeah but i gotta keep trying, spirit

i gotta keep trying…….

100% weird : crunching

o daddyo

you winsome you loathsome

oh yeah remember  that sweet baby

wayback when i stumble humbled through the rippling reeds

the lake deeper and colder , you didnt expect that

the time has shot by the time of our lives

a million hours of pleasure have past

a door slams

a voice somewhere

for the first time something turns

and for the last time something else stops turning

the returner is among the crowd

i came back for you

the kisses rained down on my back yard by feet

the music almost imperceptible

you see the tapes were uncorrupted

innocent men cut this track

sweating over a hot console in glebe

i saw it once in visionguard

i heard it on the new system in ethiopan mode

i felt it with the mansuits custom options including multi-touch

baby this aint the future this aint the past

this is now a days

this is right in this right now oops! already gone

this is the way they did it in the old days

this is the time of yes todays

yes today all my troubles felt so far, aweigh

i need a space to ride, a way ……

oh i be, leave in yes today

any way theres no more right now

i guess thats it then

within minutes the words that blew down the street

had changed

and the intelligence that had hurled them was gone

the air they had passed through was sour

it emitted the tiniest sparks from little rainbowed glowing pinpricks

it transmitted different things on different levels

sound yes certainly

spirit was harder against the thick lucidity of the temperature

the flesh crawled a little on the other side

the will sagged flagging out like a failed safe sail

like a fire sale for wet suits

or a  burn of  aqua by some fan off their hinge

just more then a sharp intake of breath stroke i mean comma

this is anxietystic nausea

the fear of great or small things aligning in some certain way

telescoping into a compact sphere the size of man, hat on

i celebrate the hideous or the wonderful

the middle ground holds no sanctuary for me

suddenly something happens!

you turn suspiciously out the corner of an eye

blinking thinking blinking synching

there ….no…..there…..no, no ……there…..!

the quick brown fox

the lazy dog

the crown n the anchor

the voices suddenly human

suddenly that sound is making unmistakable english words

vivid intoxicating stream of alien poetry

something like this

in distance our machines cut  all time

we did this ….we!

to ourselves crying all besides  in night

descendants of the abyss

children of chasm

the webbed ones the ones in transition

the ugly things of nowhere recast in stardust

soon frequency eating life seeking moon milking monsoon

the cosmic epsilon the theta shake

the transcendental damn indelible stitches in space

shiva shivers slivers flake caking slicing icing sheets sleets

the cipher ends in dots………

the moon housed in haze diffused itself in pinkish haloes

the pilot gestures to the stars : its as if they know……

outside its cold enough to burn you yearning to die

ra returns in unmasked glory

the sun is slashed to a low price

the fuels we require lie deep in your world

someone says sorry for killing every last thing alive

captain intermission explodes in  vegetal bliss

straight or curved , willing or kicking

we all will arrive here he says

a guarantee of ecstasy  written in yer triple helix, felix

luna inside her bag is hanging off a bed

her bad pain is gone and for now she sleeps

sleep is like travel which is like spirit

soul is garden is flow is light

morning detonates along the planets atmos

the rush of vapour through the solace system

smashed and grabbed drugged and mugged

once there were no checks no limits no hard fast rules

gods toppled kings murdered princes killing slaves

desire snakes unslaked inspired by lewd nudity of black whole stars

our cargo in the hold old already by andromedas ellipse

our arc is brilliant as we flame on in the photonsphere

a hundred units of thrust

muscle provided by harnessing a bestial power

a dirty unreliable source of speed

inch by inch we radiate forward

pressure : unstable

altitude : irregular

velocity: in the blue

acceleration : rapid but wiry

destination : out of memory

model : lifeform

sex : freemale

gender : neuter lite

mach : X

serial # : 00000000.0

expiry date 22 8 10

scarlet will

animal spirit bristles in the spiky night

i see it all in my mind now

right here now in 1910 in the modern age

as i write here in godthaab round the swimming pool

type type type on my new mu data-machine

in my surrey with the fringe on top

clearly beyond my own time

but in which direction do those children travel

north to the blazing pole star that illuminate the evil in man eye

east to the red cliffs where the sea waits ready to engulf

south to the cities in the polynesia

where soulscrapers rip apart the atmospheres physique

or west to the far flung crags and castles

where the famous doctor cuspinian dwells

and  the burnings have nearly stopped

and in the pale pink mist of dawn…..*

* i was sitting in my room writing this when one of the kids kicked out the

lead to the internet doodah

and nothing got automatically saved n i lost a good hours worth of work

suffice to say providence has intervened and erased 3 quarters of what i wrote

as i didnt notice the autosave wasnt working

now demoralised by my writing going into the void

unretractable it would seem

so fuck it all i just gonna slink off now

and see how i feel 2morro n if i can remember what i wrote today

love

me

grim ferry tail

yeah hansel n gretel lived with their olde man

in a deep forest  in the cartoon woods

in the dark canopied jungle in europa

twins they were of course

hansel 2 minutes older than gretel

oh their poor mother expired in the moment of their birth

no medieval quackery could revive the poor tired thing

what year was this, kilbey?

oh i dont fucking know, kilbey…once upon a long long time ago

it was like didnt i say medieval…..?

yeah and their father he eventually got married again to this women

a real bloody bitch a right nasty piece of work

i dont like your kids she said the 1st time she met them

get rid of em….!

the father was a kinda weak character

we dunno much about this geezer

he was a wood cutter

i mean that wasnt easy work

dont spose he earnt that much dough either

i guess he cut up wood for other peoples fires

thats tiring thats a real slog

i guess hes raised these kids on his own

he met this woman n he thought things’d get easier

and its the middle ages for heavens sake

times were harder days were shorter life was cruel

so one day father leads hansel n gretel into the most lonely place

the black forests heart of darkness

did they even ask any questions as they entered the gloom of afternoon

beneath a cathedral of oaks and pine the sun blotted out far above

and curious eyes stare out from between the trees

did gretel say father where are we going ?

did the boy reach out to calm his twin by taking her hand

did the father look back in sorrow at the children in shadow

as the summer turned cold on their skin

as the inevitable black birds caw unseen

and the red spotted toadstools grow in little patches at the feet of the trees

father say stop here for a while i’ll be back soon

and the children sit there listening to his footsteps die away

the evil wife sits at home with her glittering black eyes

an awful smirk on her face as she looks in her mirror

and she places the girls little wooden doll on the fire

and the boys rough wooden sword goes up in smoke

and finally the father returns

shes naked waiting for him

but he turns away in disgust on the bed and cannot touch her

and that cottage is horribly silent there in that time n place

while the children out there with the wolves and the weasels

the poisonous plants the snakes and the vines

i mean theyre tough kids

they just never been in this part of the forest before

the paths interleaved between the trunks like a maze

returning nowhere fast just leading you on n on

into the interior of more n more trees

the boy  does what he can for his sister

remains calm n strong for her

even though he wants to give in to despair himself i guess

even tho the falling night

even tho the sounds he doesnt recognise

even tho nothing to eat or drink

even tho he knows father not coming back now

he puts his arm round her in the gathering dark

and sings softly some little song into her ear

hey you look so pale

acceptance/speech

everyone arguing over deckchairs on the titanic

mineral vegetal beast man devil god

this wild world whirling outside my sad room

inner world of memory

outer world of perception

in here out there

cant fight inevitability anymore

yeah someone says let it all go

oh what a beautiful feeling yes to let it all go

all of it the whole fucking she-bang

money drugs women music flesh n blood

success n failure land n sea

good n evil even

friend n foe let em go

furniture cars clothes machines schedules position

what will it avail thee?

the void you cant avoid

go to it empty handed

this anger that pervades my life..where does it live…?

in my head, in my heart, between my bones and skin…

i feed it n water it everytime i react

it grows round my soul strangulatin’ it

like a wheel clamp like handcuffs like the paddywagon

anyone can turn on ya

anyone can turn ya on

this is a bizarre world/life/ time

anything can happen as we approach year dot

no role is fixed

villains we finally see as heroes

heroes who fucked us over but good

kilbey youre obsessed by these paradoxes

intentions were good but results were bad

a selfish thing accidentally helps many

that fine line between X n Y

what am i saying? i dunno

just raving on a bit

trying to talk it all through

today i feel resilient n resolved

if i dont know right from wrong by now i never will

if i do the right thing n still get wrong results then i wont be the first

or the last

all those horses i led to water n none of em are fucking drinking

i tried to make em and i got angry they wouldnt touch a drop

the angrier i got the thirstier the horse

the thirstier the horse the angrier i got

it was a vicious little circle like a whirlwind sucking me in

boy tho its hard to let things go

easy to say hard to do

let it all go

the years the good n lean years all the inbetween years

still let it all go

release : open your hands n heart and let it all fall out

loneliness scares the hell out me…..why…?

let loneliness go

let happiness go

let youth and pleasure go

let age and pain go

if you let everything go then what is left?

ah well thats the one thing they cant take away from you, isnt it?

whatever remains after all the extras are deducted

your personality your psyche your ego n your id

your dreams and your schemes, yeah especially let em go

who is this advice for…..? just me

when i’m panicking when i’m hurting again

i gotta remember to let it go

when i’m celebrating when i’m soaring up high

baby still even more so in spades n then some

dont hold on to nothing no more

not time not space not men not women

let it flow through us

allow it to pass

transcend n mend n bend in that wind

think of jesus n krsna n johnny lennon

think of england if you like

think of whatll happen if you dont let go

and thats about it

i guess

same place as dreams i guess

same place love goes when it leaves us

same place as everything

into the churning turning void

the void which swallows up even time

a horrifying nothingness

a lovely extinguishment

ego rails against it

weary sinner longs for it

all roads are leading to it

suddenly its all over

soul and spirit separate

one last look back maybe if youre lucky

relive your life in some brief flash

compressed into a moment of everything

nights days words people places

glorious triumphs bitter defeats

good deeds bad deeds

is anybody out there keeping score….?

slowly all traces disappear from this earth

your clothes get given away eventually

no one remembers yer name

no one recognises yer photo

youre  just a grey blur in the background

youre  just a plaque on a wall no one reads

youre  just a number in a great catalogue thats meaningless

all those grand plans

all that thrashing about

all that stuff you learnt n forgot about

all the folks who loved n hated ya

all the money you earned n blew

left handed right handed handsome or ugly

yeah the void is there waiting impatiently

quiet huge inexorable

everything disappearing into its great maw

until its all gone gone gone

so far gone

n away

caption insensible

being in a play can be hard work

things are moving forward with our musical now

we are moving off scripts n into memory

ive learnt about 2 thirds of it now

but sometimes i reach for a line n come up empty handed

its quite a complicated play as far as things are all happ’nin’ at once

everybody on stage at once all doing different things

you gotta remember yer lines

walk along with another actor talking

without him obscuring you or you obscuring him

you gotta arrive in the right time at the right place

co ordinate yer motions so on a certain word a certain something occurs

theres people popping up all over the place a lot of the time

the directors got it all “blocked”

that means everyone has to know where to be n when

its not like being in a rocknroll band

then ya can just do whatever ya like at any old time

wanna do the splits or a mick jagger waddle?

wanna stand still wanna jump up n down?

sure…go for it…no ones gonna mind

but in a musical play you gotta remember a lot of stuff

you gotta know other peoples lines too because theyre cues

dont get in peoples way

dont turn yer back on the audience

be authentic be funny be sad be crazy be in tune

wow its a multi-disciplined doo dah and it takes a lotta concentration

you cant drift off for a minute or you could wreak havoc on yer play

drying up on a line is my greatest fear

an actor gives ya yer cue and you go to say yer line n its gone from yer mind

you might have rehearsed it a 100 times but it still is liable to get forgotten

you gotta hammer the lines into yer head

you feel terrible letting the side down

its like a footy team you all gotta be on the ball all the time

one false move n the whole thing can go outta control

well i’m not really an experienced actor so  this is all still somewhat new for me

next time you go see a play n the actors are all moving round seemingly at random

watch closely…its probably all tightly choreographed

its all been rehearsed n rehearsed until its tight

still the cast is excellent

john paul young is brilliant as the brutal drunkard akbar

cora IS gypsy fire with all her sorrow n joy

luke is the normal son in a van park full of weirdos, a deceptively simple gig

for someone only seventeen hes playing his part perfectly

catriona is the snobby english tourist the object of curlys desire

shes acting up a storm too

king curly is our band of musicians and theyre just right

the music is very catchy n the lyrics are pithy

great songs some of which could almost be hits

the plot n dialogue are engaging n our director john is resourceful n encouraging

i guess that leaves me n i’m doing my best as the pompous old hippy nebauchenezzar

hes a bit cosmic hes a bit wordy hes a bit of a heroic goose

sound familiar

i mean this part was made for me

now i gotta do it justice

yikes i should be learning my lines instead of typing this

nevermind i will do that right now

hope you can come to see this one in sept at the seymour centre

i sing i dance and i make some grandiose pronouncements

whatmore do ya want?

huh?

thunder pants

the clouds turn into tortured beasts writhing in some roman game

out of a blue sky suddenly pours rain

like a grey cloak trailing behind it

lightning cracks like whipping the storm before it

frazzled droplets of rain suspended in the dizzying air

flash thru the sunlight a shoal of points of light

the barbarous beasts in the sky mutate above you

a 2 headed bear snorts in chained pained silence

the clouds twist into improbable shapes

its an improbable uni-verse

the sky is advertising the future now

the weather reforms itself into scalded luxury as in salmon pink

my stomach sinks to behold this wonder

but i cannot tell you why

sometimes the magnitude of these things

maybe its just nothing

nothing and everything seem so close these days

that is a temporary perspective

all i got some clever words i found outside

i’d present them as my own some other time

i guess the storm blew them in

i guess its easier that way