The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

spirit burns on body
using up matter and time
body extinguishes
fire rises like smoke
is this truth too obvious to see?
the answer to every question is take it easy
the answer to all my dilemmas panics anxieties fugues
take it easy
try but dont try too hard
dont concentrate too much
but dont drift off either
approach things differently
change myself deliberately
have courage
let go
see the similarities
the gambler blows on his dice before he rolls
he is putting his will into them
perhaps doesnt mean much really
but over a long period
it will mean beating the guy who doesnt do it
interconnection
there is a way in
knowing when to quit
knowing when to detach
knowing when to bend
and when to lash out
dont think with your stomach
dont think with your genitalia
dont think with your wallet
dont think with your skin and hair
imitate greatness
persist
oh that one word
that word i hated
i knew i had no persistence
no resilience
but now
a cocktail of time addiction yoga predilection
luck and bad luck
fantastic success and abject failure
hotels in rome
and methodone clinics in sydney
handshakes in l.a.
handcuffs in n.y.
lose your father
gain your daughters
argumentative bastard
singular minded
be blasted away
prepare to shed skin
say youre sorry
say youre sorry
forgive as you hope to be forgiven
accept as you hope to be accepted
discipline
the other hated word
the one my olde pommie relatives brandished about
self discipline
i will remain in this cold water
i will do yoga today even though my blah blah hurts
i will paint that painting
i will strive for originality and flare
i will incorporate knowlledge gleaned from everywhere
all my endeavours will reflect my preoccupation with god
i cannot believe in 1950s law and order
i cannot believe in witchtrials and patriotism
i cannot believe in cruel evil acts rationalised by the west
i cannot believe this is all for nothing
i cannot believe youre happy with tv and booze
i cannot believe how i blew it for myself
i cannot believe in jealous old jehovah
some uberstraight uptight old man of a god
how could a cranky old sod like that
have come up with frangipani trees?
i believe in jesus christ who said let love in
i believe nick cave said that too
i believe in krishna who said there was never a time when we were not
i believe in vishnu who said i am and i am not
i believe in buddha who said take it fucking easy
i believe in hieronymous bosch who said
fuck all that brown and grey bullshit
my paintings vibrate, baybee!!!
i believe in vinny van go go who said
i dont care what you think
i KNOW this stuff im doing is fucking hip
i believe in jimi hendrix
who let his fucking fingers do the talking
i believe in those beautiful operas when the singing
takes yer breath away
i believe in the herb and its constant revelations
i believe in not eating dead rotting things
i believe music is divine
i believe science keeps getting it all wrong
i believe there are other worlds
i believe there are other dimensions and places
i believe our western methodology
is but a tiny tiny tiny aspect of a total glorious reality;
many experiences in life have taught me that….
a human being is a walking conundrum
a spirit driving flesh via a mind
almost everything the west wants is bad for it
pizza tv tanks wealth youth meat booze cigs success fame
trophies fun oil facelifts botox gossip-rags make-up
fake-tits microwaves mobile phones underarm deodorants
engines motors systems factories aeroplanes tranqulizers
poker machines bombs guns rockets tazers slaves
jobs in office under fluoros
ah its all bullshit
i keep on moving closer to the source
the self saucing source
the big banger
numero uno
the nazarene
the golden land of a trillion buddhas
the mayans crystal skulls
the egyptians hieroglyphic depictions
the memories of lemuria which persist
statues of ganesha next door in nepalis house
every morning the old lady in her sari
every dusk
she burns her sweet incense to her gods
ganesha and buddha
buddha who proclaimed an independence of gods
now a god himself
she offers incense to her gods
she thinks of them
she honours them in her heart
she connects with the absolute reality behind the statues
she has her rituals
she has her remembrance
she has her communion
in a garden laden with white and red flowers
the old lady doth verily talk and walk with god
maybe thats just a metaphor
maybe thats the truth but not in a literal sense
maybe its deep without a meaning
ok
i gotta go to “work” now
bye

tiny flowers
and other small vegetal parts
were suspended in the sea
dancing between the waves and the cream coloured sand
all moving with the motion of the ocean
little bits of leaves and seaweed all playing their parts
everything exactly where it should be
doing as it must
transparent fish glide through the plant matter
and golden particles
the soft sun so gently penetrates the shallow waters
its fingers enter the sea to warm her slowly
sun rays
sea rays
the morning is hallowed holy
it stretches on forever in all in both directions
engulfing every other feb 14
the water of the sea is like marine green glass
she reflects the sun in her warm dazzle
above the zephyrs play
bringing the scent of musk and lavender and attar
bringing the words of song and prayer and oath
bringing the touch of mist and pine and snow
and the women sing
and the women sing
and the women sing
they knockout the inevitable greek chorus
about loves victories over men
the destiny of the great conquerors and the vanquished
the fops in their tat
the muscle boys in arenas with scars
all knocked out by love
the mighty kings
but its just to put things in perspective
because the morning is still intact
a little cloudy but still very warm i guess
and the lovely one is bathing in the sea
in the sea from where she was born whole
like a painting
like love personified then deified
moving with such graceful grace
moving through the water
so easily so smoothly
naked and china white
long hair with glints of all colours
small breasts so delicate and smooth like fruit
your hips flare out as if designed by a artist
your mysterious loins concealed by the waves
your strong white back
as you swim away
away away away
and the women sing a second chorus
about sunsets colour of blood
mornings sobering remorse
worlds deep grief
moons old sorrow
and the zephyrs play
beings in the sky celebrate
dropping more flowers and granting any wishes
everyone loves love
and the absolute mistress of love
demanding the golden apple above wisdom and power
for how many kings look for wise or powerful queens…?
they all seek love love love
oh ho ha ha see love evaporate
see love get used up
see love run out and tossed aside
see love a shadow of its former self
see love a burnt acrid powdery residue
see love a slimy rubber
see love a distant blur
see love a mad blot
see love a fading memory
you see love temporary fickle monstrous lustful engorged
love battered and butchering triumphant and torn
but not here on loves strand
in a honeymoon haze
the lovely one dips and dabbles in the aquamarine scene
of sky and sea
cloudy and warm
a soft lovely light
cythera her home
in the arms of the waters
flowers all falling softly like ashes
the gods of the winds and their female companions
hair streaming back as they adore in full flight
only the most caressing gentle warmest warm breezes
colourful fish swim around her shapely ankles and toes
her tatoos of fish and stars and flowers
her wonderful small bruises
all appear to worship love
love love love
loves day
day of love
all day
everyday
loveday
everylove
love every day
and
then
love every day

not much time
off to studio soon
walk thru rain listening to hendrix on way to pool
water same temp as air 23 degrees c
feel like your flying
fierce wind blowing drops away from my face
rain falls i swim on
a long slow lazy swim
my mind switches off
occaisional memories flash on n off
the bottom of pool covered in white sand
the green water sloshes around
up n down i go
my body synchs up
breathing effortlessly
the body works like a machine
i try to perfect my strokes
the sauna is hot
i watch my sweat drip from my forehead
and splash on the wood
we are almost all water
i do my chi gong in the rain
i catch sight of myself in a window
one minute i think i look good
next minute i think i look bad
my opinion of myself in all things
constantly bouncing between two poles
either im the bees knees
or im something useless
it keeps me on my toes
im also self obssessed as you may easily see
no matter what i fucking write
someone will jump on n criticize it
fact fiction opinion memory drug veg whatever
there is that carping complaining comment
gee maybe im paranoid but it sometimes seems like the same guy
someone with a grudge against me
cos i didnt behave how i was s’posed to
you know it wouldnt be too hard to figure out, would it?
just so ya dont think anonymous fools me
oh
and did you know that i gotta cracked program
that identifies every anon to me
muse: is that true?
you bet yer sweet bippy it is
everything is possible these days
been working on the church
singing n writing words
ah i dont wanna demystify it for ya
had a butterscotch muffin
deffo not vegan but i had severe munchies
drinking too much berry v
but gee i love guarana
ooh it suits my system dont it
yes
i too was a fan of roy s
all that jazz…..hmmm
dr benbow in nakey lunch etc
its sad knowing hes gone
a message to my dear friend suzanne
in far flung djakarta (or however they spell it)
i drove your car yesterday
tim jumped in and ate a quiche
and tiny little flakes of pastry fell thru the air
decorating the pristine black interior
already littered with one empty fiji bottle
and one empty v can
and (shock) a chocky wrapper
(vegan chocky)
i felt if james could see it he would explode
but will vacky in time for your return
yes gigs are on the horizon for me me me
early april in melb
ditto for syd
a dvd launch
gee does that mean davidson gets his own guest list?
i dunno
you get a free dvd by coming to gig
(but the entry fee is steeper)
i tell ya
im gonna play for a longtime
im slimmer and funnier and have more charisma than i used to
muse : oh thats a vulgar declaration killerbee
come and see me
get a dvd
i can kiss your hands and shake your baby
you can anointeth me in precious cash
or swipe me with yer card
i tell ya one thing
im gonna be doing some different songs
can i talk martin kennedy to coming along in melbo?
ooh i hope so….
can i get polly dog doodell to mix me?
oooh i hope so
what else?
thats enough for now
gonna pick tim up somewhere
have work to do
cant sit here all day
in stormy north bondi
rabbitting on to you
cmon mofo
bring on your niggly little barbs
and we all know who you are….
sk

things not going that great actually
gave a wrong digit in sequence
to someone paying me and money has gone missing
damn it!
a frugal week at chez k for all n sundry
seem to be forgetful and preoccupied
moving in and out of conflict
family hit by coffs n colds
today working on church record
(drumroll)
round at tims studio
whats it like?
wouldnt you like to know
sing sing sing
write words
talk n argue
harmonize
buy lunch
soy hot chocky please
work work
hey tim
what happens if i plug this in here…….?
KABOOM!
duh…..sorry!

sitting up a tree tree tree
talking to my bird
caw caw caw she says
i says this and that
i’m hungry and cold and wet
as per bloody muddy usual
cold as a corpse
hungry as a horse
wet as a wicked old toad
i plot i plan i dodge the man
men at arms
men wander around through the green trees
i’m hatching a scheme
cooking up a little dreamy dream
one fell foul swoop
magic and revenge
then i feel a pain
a sharp pain in my chest
oh no
crow is looking at me all wrong
i see her cawing but i hear nothing
its funny i thought that arrow would have hurt me more
crow is up and fluttering about
another arrow flies through the tree
and another
and another
they go by so slow
slowly floating by
fly away now you stupid crow
quickly now
i see another arrow travelling real slow
i see its fletching
the black feathers guiding it home
the thought occurs to me
they have used a crows feathers
and it makes me sad
as i sit up in my branch
watching arrows go by silently
slowly
an arrow protruding from my chest
a miracle
it causes me no pain anymore
crow flapping about like a fool
a very disobedient bird
i tell her to go go go away
im feeling very faint and tired now
fly away old girl i say or seem to think i say
and an arrow hits her
and she tumbles out of the tree
i let go and i fall
fall fall falling fell
crash
i see myself crash
a dirty old heap
the soldiers poke at me and move on
i suppose i’m dead
where is crow i think
silly crow she never listened
fast?
i hear my name
fast?
i turn around
fast the magician…..?
a black woman
a beautiful black woman
fast….is that you? she asks
and who might you be ? i ask not even surprised
easy ! she says
easy? i says
easy…….i am crow….
no!
seems so….shall we go?
yeah…..lets blow!

fin

run away run away run away
always running away
those ugly soldiers
stupid brutal creatures
lords and lieges battles and sieges
hack and crack and lord and sword
arrow spear bolt and jolt
dead kings
usurpers
crowned prince
intrigue
palace full of malice
they needed me then crow
before i met you darling bird
before i lost my gold
before i was old and out in the cold
that damned worm
killing killing burning returning
eating sleeping stinking flying
the prince was just a boy…
are you listening to me now, crow?
why you rude bird, you are ignoring me
oh the bloody rotteness of it all
ignored by a damned crow….
its bloody well come to this has it?
well in those days in those days
i had a lovely familiar
yes i thought that’d make you listen crow
you black devil bird
yes oh yes i had a love lovely familiar
oh you jealous old thing crow
ha ha dont peck me now
STOP ! that hurted me!
well i know you dont like to hear about owl
i told you crow dont you dare peck me again…..!
oh my poor owl….
roasted and eaten by that worm
she could spot a little mouse
high in the sky
so high we could hardly fly
oh her deep dark eyes, crow
oh she makes you seem almost blind, crow
now, crow, see what you did with your claws to my arm
oh the harm youve done to my arm…
how dare you treat me so you lowly thing
youre just an old black bag of bones
no decent wizards’d have you you know
no no no
ha ha ha crow
oh im so sorry my sweet my little birdy girl
i didnt mean to say those things
we’re all we’ve got, girl
we got to be nice to one another
a fine to-do a fine to-do
up a tree talking to a bird
am i really mad i wonder
maybe says the tree…dont break me branches
am i really quite done?
no no says my little one
oh no says crow
you’ll go and go and go…
you really think so crow?
crow goes: i dont know….
but little blackbird
you’d never work for another wizard would you?
she caws no no
but i can see shes thinking about that bastard warlock of grimsby
how dare you think of that imposter formerly of gloucester
before that cockfosters….
how dare you daydream of that rascal and rogue Toadfinger
that insipid and tepid druid
that spell-less smelly fraud and fellow
that yellow bellied forkbearded fuck-knuckled fool
spawn of a hag and an idiot ogre
not even a conjuror… not even a
WHAT?
how dare you caw that, crow?
how dare you caw that to me
up a tree
surrounded by the enemy?
oh how can you bear to break my old heart so, bird?
Toadfinger did not summon the storm
that quenched the worms fire…
that was me crow
or maybe just a seasonal shower
who knows it was mars or maybe novembre…
oh crow how can you believe these things?
shhh crow shhhh!
i dont want them soldiers finding us up this tree
what a pickle! what a set-to! what a bloody turn-up for the books!
crow cant you fly thereover…?
i can spy a little nest yonder in that leafy tree
do you think that there could be any little eggies for our breakfast..?
not now crow…wait till the soldiers go
no you really dont know anything do you crow
yes i mean except fly
and yes you can see far better than me
yes you do find things before theyre lost, mrs crow
look all right
you are a most useful creature
but please dont talk about Toadfinger in my company
save it for your friends the vulture and fox
how can you talk about the man who stole my life and
took my road and not expect me to explode?
damned toadfaced fool
damned frog features
damned obvious magic
damned idiots who think it was him did worm in
damned worm damned dragon
damned girlish prince the little prick
damned villainous villagers
oh they will all stew you stupid lot
oh crow dont worry bout the soldiers now
fly to that cosy nest and pluck me a little blue egg i can suck
magic doesnt happen on an empty stomach you know
how dare you offer me grubs from the disgusting soil?
i am a man
i cannot eat grubs or lizards or the hornets gizzards
fetch me an egg
must i beggy beg beg?
what?
the nest is bare?
how many grubs
then are there?
why then crow
you must share!
only 3?
ha one for you
and
two for me

finally the light
sickly grey dawn
hungry and sick
as usual as usual
bones grind sinews crack bad back
numb and sad
old and mad
struggle struggle
no sleep no rest
no inn no guest
sucking mud biting flea
bad blood evil me
crow flies back
out of the grey sky
wheeling wheeling
in elegant arcs
scavenger crow like a bird of prey
any news of witch?
anything likely to make me rich?
no no no caws crow
trouble coming this way that way
which way?
all ways
fires and floods and famines and spears
war and plagues for hundred years
what to do what to do
straggle struggle
juggle things
everything up in the air
bubbles come up in lake
what monster stirs?
oh this lake makes me ache and ache
where are the gardens and domes i truly deserve
the feasts at least
the harnessed beasts
devils released
damned crow bringer of bad news
where are my shoes?
holes in soles and souls unholy
damn damp
wheres witch?
which witch?
the tricky witch
the one with the hare
you have the hare crow
and i’ll have the witch
yes crow we can share
but how to get there
anywhere but here
i dont like here
i dont like now
i dont like this
not at all
must begin i suppose
on my toes
walky walky walky
i should be carried
or married to a queen
i never should have tarried in the tavern
or in the cavern
where i entered the earth
crow come here
sit close by head
on my shoulders
tell me bout the soldiers
with their spears and their jeers
march through marsh
the tramps a’tramping
drums and pipes
blast it all crow
must i be bothered to flee?
oh a horrible dawn you are
a bad start to a bad day
lost and alone
except for little crow
my black wand
my old bones
a spell
a spell
i need a spell
hmmm let me think…
oh well…….

demons dust and dark ages
gnawing boring squirming worming
charming alarming harming harming harming
oh im so tired and damp and tired of being damp
and i should be dressed in silks and satins and elegant shoes
reclined in a gentle warm light
an obedient servant perhaps
a childe to do my bidding
a nice jug of rich red wine
but the fields are my home
i shiver under hollow logs
i chase away the weasels
oh wretched me!
my poor old bones
my freckled skin
my wispy hair
my pointy nose
my white white beard
my sore sore feet
my fiery heart
my blue black crow
my jet black wand
i broke the rules
my evil eye
gold to lead
living to dead
white to red
cut to bled
a new newt in a new town
suck leech suck
bite ant bite
slither snake slither
hither and thither
i curse and it gets worse
devil you jesus lord of the flies
am i really mad i wonder
but the moon says oh no no no
am i so ugly i ask crow
oh no no no
my crow she doesnt think so
we come to a lake
a lakey lake silvered and smooth
i dont like it crow i says to the bird
crows caw caw caw
this is unholy water i says to her
crow shakes her shapely head
nasty little lake here hindering us
cant swim it ugh shudder
i heard of things living in these waters
take you down into horrible cold wet jaws
slimy scaly big and coily
a waterworm with teeth like razors
black lake
unhallowed stagnant mire
mournful water
dead trees
lake you were not here before
how did you lake spring forth?
where do you go when you go away?
what are your big black fish?
how many fathoms deep to the drowned village?
how cold is your slippery murk?
oh evil lake
oh ugly body
come crow
i would be gone
woe begone
but the land around you sucks
and the marshes emit a chilling mist
fly crow away
crow flies up away from this sickening thickening fog
she finds the clean air up above us
but oh i am alone
my wand will not ignite
to cast its magical light
i am trickless
crow has flown away but where…?
alone on the ground
the mist carries no sound
enveloping me hiding me from my moon
i cannot remember my spells
my words have no authority
my mind has no belief
old and alone with my jet black stick
waving around in the soundless misty mist
tripping and ripping my cloak
soak me rain
chill me night
take my sight
thin my skin
old and cold
muck and mould
oh poor me
a magician you see
a powerful man
a dragon killer a mighty sorcerer
reduced to this
seduced by time
ravaged and ruined and coming undone
bleached and faded and abraded and frozen
unchosen unblessed uncaressed
bugger this lake!
black filthy pond
black useless wand
black absent crow
black burning heart
bad bad world
full of spiders and slugs and thugs and riders
wet leaves thieves blood and mud
tree trunks and foxholes and lost souls
thorns and horns and hedges and teeth
rotten life you black maw
horrible sky starts to rain and pour
poor me
where is crow?

damned witch !
damned bird !
damned magic !
damned rain !
damned villagers !
mutter mutter curse and splutter
come here then girl ….
stop making all that damned noise !
crow flies to my shoulder
she sits pecking the nits out of my hair and beard
ah thats good make yourself useful
NO!
dont peck so hard you stupid thing…
oh i am sorry crow my beautiful girl
oh yes
soon my girl
something nice for us to eat
and a warm dry place
soon
oh we are so old so old drenched and cold
by my magical art i start a small fire
crow flies away into the nighty night
shes going hunting
her huge wings blot out the stars
many lives ago maybe crow was human woman
many lives ago maybe i was hawk or falcon
i sit and poke my flaming little fire
burn burn die and return
crackle branches crackle leaves
spark and dark spark and dark
oh i will love to see the faces in the villages
when i raise the sun in the middle of the night
when i call it back from yesterday
and crops fail
and children sicken
hopping toads
crawling snake
choking smoke
dying ache
beelzebub and arioch
mandenezzar and horribus
wicked worms undoing us
oh i need a spell
oh i need to gather myself
oh i need some things
crow where are you ?
where do you fly?
thunder rumbles
bats against the purple sky
my crow amongst the bats
the sky filled with dark things
witches
flying goblins
i spit
crow crow
i cannot read your thoughts tonight
my fire dies
my hope is gone
then crow appears
bedraggled and small
i take her in under my robe
move out of forest then
find witchy witch
steal her magic
eat her hare
over hill and dale
over field and road
tramping trudging so begrudging
blackbird against my chest softly pecks
my wand of jet
the blackest stick
my black magic stick
i have charged thee
spit and spunk and poison and blood
fire and earth and water have cleansed thee
unburnt you emerge from hells flames
full of satans revengeful scorn
black wand
black bird
black heart
black sky
i will drown the world in black
black angel inside my crow
black trees and black death
my wand glows ever so faintly
pale blue in the darkness
it twitches and jumps
eager eager nasty stick
do your dirty wishes
you spiteful rod
evil jet
left handed magic
the wrong path
oh i’ll show ’em
master of birds
a murder of crows
roasted witch
crooked cooked bitch
burny itch
deep ditch
stumble fumble trip and bumble
evil upheaval biting little weevils
oh we’ll make ’em sweat mrs crow
oh we’ll blast ’em dead mr wand
ah the moony moon comes sailing up
away clouds!
let her shine
let wand drink deep of moons power
let the night fill him with malice
let everything good be cancelled out!

deep in forest
now i am i am so deep
damp and dank and weasels and woe
magician in exile
no tricks now i promise
oh crow who flies above
oh worm beneath the ground
red flugsvamp
black eyes of my bird
she flies up through the trees
she croaks out to me in her broken voice
she lets me know where she goes
by my art
by my learning
by my natural propensities
by my aged bones
by my white beard
crow flies out of forest
my grey eyes see as well
my grey eyes superimposed on her black eyes
oh i laugh hysterically as crow spirals up and up
oh my lovely spirit
oh the realms of sky
her strong wings beat and squeeze the air through them
i feel her find the thermals and suddenly we plummet upwards
we rise and we rise crow and i in the thinnest thinny thin air
oh and crows eyes can see and see and see
mountains in the distance
a tower a precipice
armies moving in distant snows
a tiny moth moves through the air
nearly half a mile below
and crow falls like a stone
snatching the juicy thing from the night
up crow up i think
and i hardly even know my old body and bones
fallen into swoon under the pines
as crow bears both our souls into the viscous sky
and then we both see it
a fire
someone cooking something up
someone doing something magical
crow swallows the last bits of moth with a gulp
down we glide to take a closer look
a witch a witch a witch
oh a pretty pickle
witchy little familiar
i feel crow react
the witches familiar is a hare
she sits stroking a large grey hare before her fire
impossible to see her face under her wide brimmed hat
she chants and cackles in the firelight
crow circles and caws
keep quiet crow i think
the hare startles in her lap
she looks up into the sky
she puts the hare down
she begins to take off her robe
she is old to be sure
but her white flesh is still firm
i become confused inside the birds head
the crow shudders in midflight
my thoughts are overpowering him
the witch looks up at us and laughs
ah she had done this deliberately
her nakedness undoes my concentration
the bird screams
and i fall back down into my body with a sickening jump
i awake in the darkness
my head pounding
all aroused and erect
the bird calls in the trees
bah! the witch has undone me with her simple trick
but there is tomorrow
and then another
tomorrow