The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

i am the time beeing
i am 53 earth years olde
i am among the best and worst
i listen to oophoi right now on shuffle
i sit in my dirty crowded spare bedgeroom
i call my studio
on my eisel a portrait of david mccomb
stares out into space
and im proud of myself
it looks like ‘im
this portrait and an article im yet to write
will be for a book about mccomb/triffids
being put out by a couple of melbo academics
funny to find myself considered such an authority
david and i were rivals i guess back in the day
there wasnt room for too many angry geniuses in australia
mccomb was younger more spontaneous and weirder than me
i heard about this guy long before i ever saw him
how amazing he was
ye olde killa not like to hear this in 1983 or whatever
people threw the triffids in my face
before i even heard a note
the triffids do this
the triffids dont do that
finally they opened for us at the great northern hotel
i couldnt tell ya what year it was 82 83 ?
i saw half a song
delivered my foregone conclusion of judgement to myself:
fucking amateur hour.
you see the olde killer
neither cares for excessive professional showbiz malarkey
(eg bono chris isaak robbie willy-ams)
neither do i like youth club stuff
(arctic monkeys most punk bands etc)
well
i snubbed em in the corridor
iva always ignored me
and it kinda impressed me that he did
so i thought that was always the way to go
and i tried not to ever have to speak to anybody else
in the music biz
anyway someone told me later
mccomb had said
only a girl would like the church
(remember this was the pretty daze)
and that was that
till in 1984 the triffids got hailed as the next big thing
in english press
i was jealous and envious
in 1984 i was 30
dave was only 24 and he was killing it it seemed
unfortunately the triffids didnt make a lot of money or anything
but boy did they get good reviews
born sandy devotional was hailed as a masterpiece
bullshit i thought
holed up in sweden during a freezing winter
anyway wide open road came out
how could you argue with that song
i secretly(hiding from my own nasty mind) bought b s d
it was/is a masterpiece
now im painting david who i never really met
i remarked to mr g lee
that david would spin in his grave
to think of me singing his songs
and waxing lyrical over his abilities
no no said graham
he would like it
you guys are very similar!
anyway
david
if you out there with grant somewhere
im gonna do my best with this portrait and this essay
it will be an honour to sing with the triffids at the syd fest next year
im singing a load of really good songs
including my favourite
stolen property

had a stupid argument with twillies lastnight
at family xmas do
bad timing killer
but twillies leave their dad only 2 possible options
accept what we do
or we’ll storm off in a huff
listen
i told them
i told their mother n her husband
i told my brother
and whoever else
i dont even know what i want
i dont know what rules to have
i know i dont want em roaming sydney on nye
whoops shouldnt have used word “roam”
they seize on that
and flounce off yelling at me
i tell em sydney is bigger n nastier than stock-home
but jesus christ
they know it all
soon everyone is arguing with everybody
while the twillies have slunk off upstairs
to have fun with their friends
something in my heart says stop now
but i keep going arguing with the swedes
smoking pot to them is absolutely forbidden
while overnighters with boys can be tolerated
me: its the complete opposite!
i hate it when i hear myself arguing on n on
in a loud hoarse voice
this daughter dilemma is a tough one
i need more patience and faith
but some things i’ll never agree with
imagine what itll be like when scarlet is 16
and i’ll be 67
what chance will i have…
but dad all the kids have got implants in their lobes!
i dont wanna be a relic from some bygone era
but theyre pretty quick to cast you as that
if you disagree
with em climbing over fences to get into festivals or something
me!!!
the anti-“straight”
ex junkie poet and rocknroll zero a layabout a beach bum
now im the olde guy who never understands

thanks to h heart
and ryan whos no slow coach
for gifts
and isolde for keyboard thank you
anyone else
im sorry my room is an explosion again
the kids
the gigs
the ears
the broke-dom
the mess
the dope
if i forgotten your gift
thank you
really
i appreciate it
thanks for my subscribers
you are making it possible for me to do this
now
someone sent me some ginseng from korea
thank you my friend
its about a year supplys worth
that should keep my pencil well leaded
someone else from china
sent me some stuff
some medicines
i have no idea what they are
no english instructions
can you please give me some advice here
if youre reading this
ricki
if you reading this blog
ive nearly run out of stuffing for my soy turkey
and the stuffing man is having the day off
so get thyself stuffed if you can
before you come over
anyway
theres always tomorrow
and threemorrow
sk xmas 2007 n bondi aust

further thoughts on fremantle
when we arrived
there was a tight cordon of security
they wouldnt let us in the grounds
peter was coming the raw prawn with some big dumb sec guy
peter points at me
see him , hes a living legend
if he has to walk in, the crowd will rip him apart
the sec guy sticks his big head in to look at me
gee he thinks he sure dont look like a living legend
after a lot of argy bargy we are getting no where
look mate says sec guy
i been told no more cars
we’re fucking entertainers says pete
good says the guy now park somewhere else
in the compound a slim bald headed guy appears
hes dressed in a gold shirt and has a bunch of laminates
round his neck
is that the promoter says peter
it must be i say though i no idea why
i jump out and past sec guy
i walk up to the guy in gold shirt
im in the church i say
uh huh says the gold shirted one
they wont let us in i say
really? says goldman
well can we come in? i ask
he appraises the situation
yeah come in
he waves our car on
and the sec guy fades away
peter drives triumphantly through the gate
the guy in gold shirt walks off
wow hes got some clout here
an hour later the 1st band the smoking somethings go on
the guy in the gold shirt is the bass player
but isnt that the promoter i ask someone else
him? no! hes the bass player in that group. much laughter….
you see folks, its that easy
thats all it takes
to get in to a big gig
a bit of luck n a bit of nerve

i noticed that the divs played the 1st song
for a long long while
before lady christine joined them
in fact
the intro went round and round and round
it wasnt picking up any momentum either
eventually the singing started up
apparently
she was unaware the band was starting up
and was otherwise engaged
you see
all that organisation
and then no one tells the star shes on

in perth i buy nk some bath bombs for christmas
i buy myself a disposal shirt and some stupid iron on patches
my fuck you you fucking fuck patch
is not the hit i had expected it to be
hmmmm
airport
i peruse books
i see pleasure n pain chrissys book
i stand there n peruse it
hmmmmmmm….??!!!
lotsa intimate details in there
god
what a voyeur i feel reading this stuff….
all about charlie and mark m etc
i almost buy it
when i see ronnie woods book
imaginatively called
“ronnie”
woody
the arch diamond geezer
jack the fucking lad incarnate
instantly lovable madcap groover
smoking fags
snorting coke
free basing
drinking like a fish
jesus
look at him on the cover
nearly sixty
his amazing rockstar hair
long after keiths went thin and frizzy
ronnies rooster do is black as ever
perhaps the ultimate in old school rockstar hair
the missing link between keith n rod
talk about heavy weight names to drop
dylan this
clapton that
barbra streisand tony curtis
every blues legend still above ground
and of course
the ever present keith
the blue print for every guitarist ever
from izzy straddlin’ and joe perry
and one million others
keith
wild guntoting smackshooting drinking smoking keith
man
woody
and i tell ya
he is a great musician
his writing style is not that great tho
its a bit superficial
he talks about being locked in bathrooms
for weeks on end
freebasing cocaine
as if its all a bit of a giggle
maybe it is
when yer a rolling stone
and ya can give one to pms wives
and get outta jail free
and maybe it dont matter if you spend 70, 000 on coke
in a couple of weeks
when the dough rolls in like woodys must
or of course
rod and ronnie dressed up like doctors
doing gynaecological examinations of groopies
mmmm not sure how pc that is, actually ronnie
woody laughs it all off
hes just a very lucky geezer having a bit of fun
anyway its a pretty enveloping read
and i three quarters finished it on way home from purf

today
took kids for swimmy
blah blah
scarlet scared of me
when she wakes up and sees me here this morning
boo hoo daddy shes crying
she needs nk to bolster her confidence
anyway
i got wicked game and science fiction stuck in my head
which im thoroughly tired of by now
thats it
seasons gleetings!

free o oval
big rock show
seems they didnt sell many tix
they stick chris isaak on
but still not sold more
they give away loadsa tix
5 thousand or so
little birdy play before us
katy steeel sister of luke from sleepy jackson
tiny girl with hi heels
theyre ok
like pretenders 30 years later or something
they didnot project however
why…i couldnt say
we went on
we were intense
we blasted em with both barrels
i told a few jokes
they laughed
no lights at all it was 630 in summer
crying like a fire in the sun
we play milky whey
yeah hooray hooray hooray
we give em block
a half hearted kinda encore…?
nah
nope
thats it
we slap hands
hey we did well out there
chris isaak appears
hey didja leave something for me up there? he says
hes weird up close
lovely lovely head of hair
weird nose
like matt damon
the rest of his band are goofy chubby dudes
dressed in black cowboy suits
very nice
very friendly
they go on
its getting darker
the lights and smoke starting to work
they start up first number
its a chuggy chuck berry rocker
very basic stuff
the crowd go apeshit
in one second of that first song
chris isaak obliterated everything else gone on before
totally gone
hes got jokes
show biz routines
hammy gags with the other guys
he changes into a mirror suit
he has a loada local girls dressed up in skimpy cheerleader garb
they crowd scream deleriously
a whopper encore goes on n on
he kills it
he slays em dead
afterwards huge crowds rush his dressing room
the drummer chucks drumsticks
and people fight over em like 100 dollar bills
the divs go on
seemed they were strugglin’ but i dunno
we left after 3 songs
all the crew at the gig were telling us
oh boy you guys were so good
we should just do gigs for crew
anyway
there ya go
show biz
never work with animals kids or chris isaak
fuck
back to the fucking bars
signed
yessadaze manne

how strange the life
of itinerant musician
and wandering knucklehead
flew a bumpy scary flight into ad a layed
my hotel room is eternal twilight
no day no night
just greyness
theb town hall
no reviews?
no one seems to review us much anywhere anymore
i thought we were pretty damned good
slick professonal in time in tune
there am i yoga lunging and all
playing my stupid heart out
yeah ok says the crowd
thats good…..next!
cab hotel
i hadnt eaten all day
cept for some bircher muesli on bondi beach at 9 am
that seemed a million years ago
i tucked into smiths crisps and chocky bars(some vegan, huh?)
i washed it all down with swigs outta my gallon bottle of apricot necktar
jesus if that dont give ya an acid stomach nothing will
woke up next day its dark
well its always dark in this mercure hotel
coz it must fold round open itself
all the windows face ventilation chutes
wow
anyway i force window open
look up chute
the mother of all storms mother
is roaming the adelaidian sky
thunder n lightning
buckets of rainy rain
do yoga and qi gong long session
eat morose n lonely lunch breakfast dinner
in mercures foyer
watching people dash thru the rain
pk comes in wet
he found some absinthe drops at ads happy high shop
and yes they were stinky and potent
we drive to aeroport
plane delayed fer hours n hours
the airports usual free internet
and its usual free air conditioning
were not happening
i sat and sweltered
avoiding the other members and crew
who were sitting round talking loudly
finally boarded
some divinyls on plane
chrissy up front in biz
charlie and bass and keys and other charlie
sitting up back near us
their keyboard player walks past me
gimme a c i say
he stops
whats that give you my seat?
no i say gimme a c
a sea hes saying
thinking this olde hippies flipped his gumbo
no a c i say
still he looks puzzled as he walks off to his seat
then he turns around
oh … a c i get it…(nervous laugh)
the flight scared me quite a bit at first
and i was too worked up to sleep
people talk to me
i agree to anything
im so miserable up there
at last we land in purf
the most isolated city on earf
sniffy dogs walking up to me
im avoiding em like crazy
as i dont want them to discover my musicians cigarettes
ben cousens the star footy player appears to get his luggage
the media swamp him
hes the guy had the 7 day straight binge on coke
and then collapsed into the arms of his female companion
holy hell
whyd he do it?
cos it felt good i guess
anyway hes been in more rehabs than that guy in revolving velvet
hes also the best player in the west
so go figger
theyre scared that people will decide
that rec drug use and sport can co-exist
eg couso and the other guy from syd
both # 1
and both done more rec drugs
than you had hot dinners
cousens jumps into a 4 wheel drive driven by
you guessed it
a female companion
and theyre both on the mobiles immediately
as they zoom off to get on
one of our crew watches them sadly
we shoulda got some numbers off him he sighs
the next bit is quite surreal
we get invited to a party at mark m from the divs
we drive for a while outta perth
we come to huge tudor mansion
like something outta the avengers
swimming pool
tennis courts
arabian horses
you name it
his mrs is a famed fashion mogul
apparently doing well at the mo
theres catering
and a screen showing old movies
while a pa pumps out hits past n present
their garden goes on forever into the forest or whatevers
out there in the darkness
i sit on a swing chair
chrissy sits between me and pk
shes pretty interested in the church
and she asks us strange questions
(do we love each other?)(nope!)
shes very gracious and kind
i like her actually
she pays me compliment after compliment
and you know
let me tell ya
its just as hard to take as insults
in that i try to deflect them
when i tell chrissy shes an icon
cos her ms announcement
was on front page all aust newspapers
she says how did they spell chrissy?
ie or y ? she demands
turns out it sposed to be y
anyway
we hang about a bit
chatting
i talk to most of the divs
mark is a strange cat
youre doing alright olde son i say
and clap him round the shoulders
not really he shrugs
you should fuckin’ come n ‘ave a look at my place then
i laugh and stride off into the darkness
im designated driver and the car is bogged in soft sand
takes a while n added help to unbogg it
nice slow cruise back into perth
this morning the weather is like a stockholm summer day
cool and overcast and soft somehow
we play at 630
im not happy
its too early
the sun will be up
phooey
i didnt sign up for that
what choice do i flipping well have
oh well
and only 45 minutes
instead of our hour
guess we’re not so special as guests after all
sorry if anyone in perth has forked outta loada dough
to see us
in these conditions
never mind
i’ll make the most of it anyhow
thats it
more 2 morro
killer

killer
you genius
you fool
you everyman
dream dream dream
your rest-less dream
you shake and move inner bed
natalie dreams on quietly
you try not to waker
oh my olde shoulders ache
my mind
out of control
left to its own de-vices
right out of itself
that stupid mind of mine
which i could gladly badly strangle
a womans voice from the past:
why cant you just be an ordinary person?
and everyone of em
trying to remake me as ordinary
trying to break my spirit
but really meaning to break my mind
knowing full well
what my mind was
what my mind usually liked to do
and what it was capable of (becoming)
my head seems to exert a uneven steven pressure
all over my neck and soldiers
how they rebel against its idiotic ascendancy
deep in my minds ipod
the raspberries were playing over and over and over
eric carmens italian-american perry como piano voice
crossed with the who and the beatles and the small faces
playing over and over in the falcon
now nicknamed tibor
after my old nazi-apologist ancient history teacher
now the dream had put the raspberries into its own version of pro-tools
ED : a music mixing and editing programme
it was playing the same lines incessantly
it was needling them into my brains teeth
it could reproduce it perfectly
scarlet kilbey in the kitchen
ricki and glenni are watching the sk show
first scarlets happy theme song
there she goes by the las
she rocks around jumps into my arms
i move her towards each of the 2 guys in turn
as she moves through the air she fixes her gaze on em
and then bursting into a smile as her nose gets closer and closer
as i move her through the air
she remains rigid in my arms
in a kind of woofle flying posture
like in that picture by botty-jelly
where zephyrus is carrying some hot young breeze
who will blow warm all over venus
he also raped nymphs a fair bit
which apparently is alright if youre the north wind
he had his wicked windy way with one nymph
who, not a nympho
was quite pissed off
and zepho
to make it up to her a little
turned her into prima vera
with flowers bursting out her mouth uncontrollably
jesus
thanks zeph, i feel much better now
WITH THESE BLOODY ROSES COMING OUT MY MOUTH!!
anyway
then scarlet kilbeys poignant song comes on
gabriel by lamb
she turns her head up to the light
which still tried to shine through the clouds
her gaze spoke volumes
her gaze was biblical seductive innocent
it was wildy happy
it was deeply sad
she saw some unsawn entity
some thing unseeable except to scarlet
her eyes widened and the blue became bluer
a subtle film of moisture suggesting a tear that never came
hovering on the edge of rapture and grief and triumph
scarlet was gently moved through the air by her father
enthusiastically pointing out her show-biz eyes to his friends
but scarlet looked like cleopatra and magdalene watching christ
she looked like annie lennox looks when she sings
gazing off across the universes
piercing the seven veils
as lambs lovely track gradually builds in intensity
scarlet reaches some lofty plain
her eyes which have seen the glory of the coming of the lord
her eyes which are saying to a million other eyes
i will never see you again
wise eyes in such a babyface
this paradox does its paradoxical thing
scarlet is one born torch singer should she choose to do so
her instinctive feel for musics joy and melancholy stuns me
she communicates all this with her body
which moves around in a way both graceful and humourous
her husky voice which is always in the right key
and her eyes
which imply endless stories
and implicate you in their distant look
as i toss n tern
her eyes in my mind
lamb join in with the raspberries
flying to addle-laid
city of churches
but not the church
never liked us that much there
tonite thebarton town hall
as ‘orrible as it sounds
last time there over twenny years ago
opening for iva iceblock
in his incarnation as greek god
complete with long flowing curly locks
little waistcoats bare feet and karate kicks
which punctuated beginnings and endings
well why not if im doing yoga lunges
anyway i remember some ugly little scrubber
so enamored with ivy
that she stood at the front all thru our set
mouthing silently
fuck off i hate you
or something
she fixed her glare on me and never let up her mantra-hex
as soon as her little hero appeared
dressed as an aussie apollo
she forgetting her disdain of me
screamed and wept and jumped and screamed
oh frabious day
calloo callay
she chortled in her joy
anyway
i could imagine a vague repeat of that in some respects
like the gent in melbo who yelled get off all through our show
as if a plebeian philistine like him
could fuckin’ understand how good we are
like a bozo who always eats big macs
trying to review a gourmet vegan restaurant
hey baybee
i didnt care then
i care even less now
yeah i bet shakespeare bores ya as well
you thickheaded planks
casting pearls before swineheards
addle-laid big deal
this is all in my bad dream
in my whirlpool mind
its going round and round
my white hot anger at the blackmail idiot
and the white moths larvae sliding over the kitchen ceiling
not from the vents as ricki said
its an inside job
and theres another thing evolution cant explain
worms and caterpillars turning into moths n butterflies
pure chance gave us the chrysalis
yeah yeah sure it did
thats it im outta steam
i never even got to the nightmare i was gonna tell ya bout
too bad
i forgot

so much bullshit to get thru
humanity generates bullshit like ….er…bulls do
the way every sane and reasonable person
knows bush is a complete catastrophe
and western countries invading other places
will only ever always bring grief
and whaling should be a capital crime
thats right
in a cosmic sense
those whales lives are worth as much
(if not more)
(as if it were possible to measure such things)
than some whaler
with no conscience or basic human decency
who would do his villainous and filthy work
despite everything

i was at the beach the other day
and scarlet was over run by jap tourists
trying to film her, photograph her
or the bold ones
who wanted to stroke her golden curls
or pinch her chubby rosy cheeks
she is truly a living doll
but it is a marvel the way
each race can manage to depersonalize the others
to the extent that other peoples become like “animals”
in that
the rules you apply to your own people
dont hold with these outlandish foreign types
imagine if i walked around in japan
trying to film and touch their children
of course the whites are just as bad nay
probably the worst…
finally a foursome of indians approached her
as she played around in bondis equivalent of muscle beach
i moved in
but they were stroking her face n everything
trying to get her to shake hands
(do they think she was a little dog?)
you see
they would never do that on a beach in bombay
to an indian kid
her parents would be outraged
but you know
everybody is a heathen to everybody else
and doesnt really live like the others
so you know
you can fondle strange kids in parks
drop bombs on em
tell em their god is a joke
make jokes about their stupidity
because they are not like us
almost everyone in the world secretly believes this
although the politically correct will deny it
and others like me
struggling against my natural inclinations
and trying to treat everyone even handedly
will want to deny it
but it is there
at the root of all wars
the mistrust
the distrust
the antagonism
the lies
the loathing
the direct feed of this earths history
how the westerners went round
particularly us english types
and brutalized and raped n pillaged
just about everywhere
just like nappy boner-part
just like the romans did
attila the honey
gengis kahnt
and alexander the grate
and the egyptians
and whoever else
jesus its all there
in this indians prodding at my kid
and theyre lucky its me
cos some kids dads from bondi way
that ive met
would be decking the blokes right now
and asking questions later(maybe)
and then the indians would go home and say
see
they are all heathens!
anyway scarlet kilbey who is a genius
is getting touched and trying to move her into position
for a bollywood photo opportunity
despite the fact
that i in my cowboy hat n army shirt n sunglasses
almost six foot tall
glaring at them and kinda coughing
they carry on regardless
namaste i say
what? they all say puzzled for a moment
then
oh namaste yes yes yes they have a good laugh
at my pronunciation
thats ok
their english sounds like spike milligan with a headcold
but thats all superficial stuff
how do you know that word? one asks
but the others continue to paw my daughter
i am so incredulous i fail to stop them
scarlet is looking at me horrified
her eyes say
do you want this to be happening dad?
they quiz me on my hindu credentials
i rattle off a loada stuff
but they laugh and continue to stroke scarlet
finally
the spell broken
i pick her up
when they see us together
they cannot miss the chance
this epitome of aussie manhood
dressed just like a beach bum steve irwin
only scruffier and quoting the gita
and his baby daughter
who although his absolute opposite
in every human characteristic
shes young hes old
shes little hes big
shes female hes male
yet
she looks just like the angry olde fella
whisking her away
please sir…may we
gesturing to their cameras
poised
n
ready to capture us forever
scarlet n i pose
she gurgles and i glare
she sighs and i sigh angrily
as we walk off
i see a trio of jap or korean old ducks
filming her avidly from a distance
and i’d already made it clear before
it wasnt on!
scarlet is incredibly charismatic
she stops people dead in the streets
to all the overseas visitors at bondi
she is their holiday personified
in the shape of a chubby little girl
i can appreciate that
but it dont excuse the manhandling of my baby-childe
i told you before
of nk literally wrestling evie in a tug of war
with a very determined japanese granny
i think this depersonalisation
is connected with the slaughter of animals
we pretend that they cant really love their precious offspring
the way we love ours
despite our heart which says of course they do
if one takes this depersonalization
to its logical extreme
you end up with only yourself
because you can always find a difference in anybody
i do not exclude myself from any of these criticisms
i am as blah blah phobic as the next man
xeno
homo
hydro
arachno
claustro
aggro
whatever phobias they got
plus hypochondria
delusions of grandeur
peter pan complex
superioty/inferiority
sexist
ageist
all of em
and most people
would consider me an ok sorta guy i guess
imagine the bad ones then
anyway
theres yer rave for today
subscribe if you havent
and help put the santa snow on my old windows
to all those who have subscribed
i appreciate it
will continue
to knock out
masterpieces
like this
!?

hello faithful friend
truly this western world
has formed my mind
and it has made it so so hard
to embrace the paradox
sweet lord jesus
calm and magnificent buddha
gorgeous krishna
inexorable vishnu
fiery shiva
saraswati playing a fender jazz
the goddess of fortune
her hands spitting gold coins
all of you who exist
yet do not exist
certainly not merely existing
lend me your hands
help me to…..
i cant quite…
the world and my own mind are doing my head in
my fire is burning
i am angry and flushed
the summer
my own pitta nature
the ringing deafened ears
my lack of humility
my lack of patience
my own loud music
my intensity of thought
my focus
my dedication to yoga
which is magic in another guise
my constant penchant for wreck-re-ational drucks
my burning needs
my smouldering hatreds
my feverish aspirations
my scalding scolding tongue
that wags this way and that
my addiction to the ocean
oh i love her i love her so much
respect her
fear her
i try to feel her
i try to ride her
not yet lover boy says the pacific
the atlantic says nothing; she is cold towards me
i know i combine the stupidest and most sublime opposites
i say to you reconcile opposites
you say to me
heal thyself metaphysician
do as you say
not as you do
no i am confused
i seem to contradict myself
even the truth
is the truth what happened while we were lying
i lied about my age
my height
my sex
my nationality
boy will you ever be disappointed
when you crash into the real me
who is now real
a parody of real
cmon stevie boy are you for fuckin’ real man
theres the paradox
a parody and a reality can be inseparable
its the exception that proves the rule every time
and you know how many rules there are
so thatsa lotta exceptions
anything proves anything
nothing proves nothing
i aint joe schmoe or rimbaud
its funny friends of mine
you all understand and forgive me
the way i cant myself
i dont want your fattening flattery
i want to just be there
in the place you already made for me
in yer heart or wherever you like to think it is
i am now of course talking to my readers
my listeners
however else you absorbed my phantom-like mojo
yes of course we are on this wavelength
and you know i care for each of you
you real readers of mine
i dont have to name names and blames now
you know if youre with me here
cos
paradoxes erupt in me
i am a peaceful man
but i wish the fuckin’ australian and or nz navy
sends a ship down to the south pole
and sinks the first fuckin’ ship that harpoons a whale
and the next
and so on
and so on
until they understand
dont hurt the whales anymore, you greedy sick bastards
with your cynical transparent lies and excuses
the whole world decided NO FUCKING MORE WHALING!
and you know why
if we dont
there will be no more whales
and
we realised that it is an abominable cruel practice
we realised that the things humans are cutting up for blubber
could actually be smarter than us…..!!!!
now
i dont wanna spill any human blood
but here i’d make the whalers a promise
then a warning
then i’d see it right through
and fuck em!

someone whos been causing me unnecessary grief
writes to me saying
hows your ear?
cant you understand that you have crossed the line?
always a stranger now i wish to never hear from or about you again
lady, go gently into that good night
p.o.q.

sometimes the big fish
says youre just so nice
yet the big fishes little cheeses
try to push ya round….
hmmmm

strange to find a stranger who knows all yer stranger work
stranger still our new guitar tech wife walked down the aisle
to
fall in love with me
off narcosis plus more and more again
yeah thats a strange wedding song
considering
my fucked up electronic voice telling that sad story
about that man
that charlatan bastard
that lonely stupid addicted monster
hiding in a huge old house
just like mick jagger in performance
but without the women or the “good” drugs
luckily that story was purely fictional
and his wife now a bass player herself
noticed and remarked that i had a bad night at enmore
on the bass and then i knew that she could play
did not have bad night in melbo tho
dear jen you brown jewel
lovely poetess and godmother to my own sweet daughter
what would it avail us to play our hits?
now i please no one
except myself
now i am this olde
i have earned that privilege
if i please them
what would that do?
nothing
they wouldnt come and see us again
they wouldnt even buy anything
cept maybe our greatest hits record if that..
so i care nothing for impressing those
who couldnt use their 2 ears
which lord vishnu designed and gave them for free
if they couldnt tell that we were the bees fucking knees
then playing almost with you
aint either
so
i’d rather
pick up
the stray stranger
who hadnt realised
or had forgotten
that the church
are much more
and much less
than yer average rock band
we have recklessly pursued beauty
through all times and conditions
we have hung together to show you our current take
we are the church
we adhere to rocks great and lofty ambitions
we scorn its self imposed limitations
ive run my race
ive done my bit
ive done it before some of ya were born
i was rocking in some bar in canberra
the capital of this outlandish southern continent
i read jenny browns book about skyhooks
(did i see macainsh outside the forum??)
i rehearsed
i went out n tried to “please” the audience
now im olde and tried
i have invented my own schtick
and then i reinvented it
cmon
im a venerable olde diamond aint i?
im a national treasure aint i?
is there a cooler olde codger than me?
is there any one else combining sexy and senile?
i deserved it all talent wise
i didnt deserve nothing as far as being a real man
and i had to suffer
and lo
i did
and i embraced heroin
no longer a paradox
just a spirit who wishes me harm
who is so much stronger than you will ever imagine
now i popped out of all that
im poor
i got loadsa kids
in my own distorted egoistic opinion
i’m doing what few else (can) do (anymore)
and you know its guaranteed to contain 95% love
and it wont be dumbed down
and it wont be western dribble
and it wont be flaccid meaningless awkward cliched shit
it will be me giving ya what i got
and i say i deliver
i will deliver you
with my music my words my voice
or
see ya later baybee
cos this is what i do
i dont care if i please anybody
i will either jolt you with it
or you wont now or ever “get” it
and now
as i said
who cares?
nope
not me.
yes my friends
the hall of frame would be good in some ways
but bad in others
another paradox
more paradoxes will be forthcoming
lemme embrace

flew into melbo on a dreary sat afternoon
raining dark and cold
weather in sydney: perfect
and yet
melbos denizens had always embraced us more warmly
than sydneys golden children
right from the word glow
when we were beginning
they could more easily dig our trip…
the forum is big old ballroom or something
a warren of corridors backstage
leading into mysterious darknesses
that i did not care to check out for myself
when i arrive at soundcheck
the divs are playing
they certainly “rock”
the church played their s/check with en-rikko mi-ami
on drums
hed also filled in on bass when i was absent with dying ears
(its ok ma, theyre dead now)
him and jorden brebach our soundmixer
could probably replicate anything we ever did
when these guys offer some advice we listen
wheres tim?
my more astute fiendss are asking theirselves
well my little pigs
timmy-bouy was dubble booked
appearing at the spiegeltent
with iota
an important and prestigious gig
booked before the divs thing came about
he finished there
fifteen minutes after we were s’posed to s’tart
he leapt off stage at the tent
ran down the main drag of melbo
carrying his cymbals
imagine
one moment hes playing in the s/tent
have you heard iota fiendss
a cat with an amazing voice
currently doing well in the musical circuit too
and i can see why
rocky horror
hedwig and angry inch
and now
a ballet thingy
you can imagine the tent
and the crowd there
tim playing his gig
(and he loves this gig as much as the church, i’d say
much less stress)
then the gig ends
tim
not really sitting back and relaxing
and getting over the sheer physicality of playing (drums)
etc
he runs off stage hot and sweaty
grabs his cymbals etc
and legs it down this lovely boulevarde
past museums and galleries
some street comic busking a gig spots ‘im
hey runaway drummer hes stolen those drums !!!
tim runs past flinders station
and down that street to forum
(lucky these gigs were in running distance)
its a clammy wet warm night
people drift pass
its surrealistic
if you just jumped offstage
offstage
onstage
backstage
how many of you have ever trodden the boards?
you dont think doing yer thing up on a stage
while people watch and clap and cheer
is an addictive hit?
a gnawing nagging desire for more
you get clean of the feeling
you dont play for a year
then
2 or 3 gigs
you start getting the hankering again the yearning
anyway tim pushes through saturday nights people
through another door
then everything changes
hes entered a world
of 2000 people in a big room
drinking and laughing
me and the other 2 standing round
anxiously waiting for timbo to show
suddenly he appears
we gonna leave out a song to compensate the lateness
ricki runs out and starts playing his rogini
an artificial indian drone
the band mosey on out
church fans scream out
and divvy fans remain impassive
whats it like
walking out on stage
well its always different
sometimes im nervous
sometimes im calm
sometimes im tense and shivering and shaking
sometimes im so fuckin’ blase its a joke
tonight i stride on confidently
all i eaten today is a mini-strony
i am eating very little food at the moment
i dont think its necessary for us olde guys to eat too much
a bowl of soup
a good smoothie
maybe some toast
thatll do me for a day
i aint gonna grow any taller
i dont believe my energy is all generated by food
you may sneer at that
but im a bit like a prius high-brid
half running on the olde badde stuff
half on clean energy
thats why i have more energy than one could believe
particularly given my advancing years…
do you think if i was scoffing meat n potatoes
and gallons of plonk n booze
that i’d be able to keep it up?
anyhow
(sorry to be a bore)
but the yoga and swimmy swimmy and chi gong
and meditation and the beach and the great ozzie bush weed
and the happy herbal highs
have transformed me
i stride onstage a proud old battlescarred warrior
no longer the snotty arrogant poseur of yore
which was good for yore
but not now
who am i?
what the fuck am i doing up here?
as i begin to spit out all my words
as i begin to pull notes out of my most beautiful fen-dah
as i start to heat up and sweat
as the music starts to work its mojo on my doo-dah
the guitars are like orchestras
the sound during some songs is so intense
so concentrated
focussed in so tight
im playing much better than syd
the crowd is bigger n better
the venue ditto
the thing begins to levitate
we dont wanna make you dance or whistle
or tap your foot or nod and say this is nice
as i stand onstage
i want to obliterate the audiences mind
i want to replace it with churchworld
where its all angular and pulsating
its loud and urgent and confusing
my bass now weighs nothing
my voice effortlessly projects
i can push it out or withdraw it back in
tim pounds the kit
already warmed up with iotas gig
fit and ready to punish those drums
the bass and bass drum lock in
playing in and around each other
when they sync up to a groove
you just hold on and it glides of its own accord
the audience is just a mix of individuals
the only thing they have in common
is they are in this room tonight
i look down into em from my vantage point
all ages
all types
all in varying degrees of like or dislike for the church
yes there are those who aint that fussed
despite myself i am amazed that they bother resisting us
if we played this gig in london or new york
they would go beserk
but these children of the vast suburbs
these sons n daughters of the eighties
these products of their times
no
they aint interested in our jive
they came to see chrissie
and they dont need anybody else
quite frankly its fine by me
they stand n listen politely enuff
they dont loathe us
but neither will they let themselves be drawn in
they cannot be bothered expending the thought n faith
i know we were quite good that night
and most of em there liked it
strangely enough
the following night is very much a repeat of night one
we walk on
and we hammer at em
till we walk off exhausted
i have a long cold shower
people tell me chrissie talks about us onstage
about the time she screamed at us cos marty said hello
gee tempermental types them showbiz types or what?
i come off drenched in sweat
i generate heat when i meditate too
i heat up incredibly
what is this heating process?
anyway
i am nothing like me
from 20 years ago
that one had more youthful dash, i grant you
but somehow
the most artificial boy whoever rocked
became the real man
i surrender to the music
i let it take me
and all those other cliches
i laughed at when i was a groovy fop
i have stripped myself back
no more frills n bullshit
i am so real its unbelievable
sorry to rave on about myself again
but i have changed and it feels so strange
the bass reveals more of itself
my voice grows in all directions
my face morphs into its original angular configuration
the energy available onstage seems limitless
my words in my mouth still feel good
they still throw up new interpretations even to me
there have been better wordsmiths than i, no doubt
but not too many
i have tried to bring a fresh intelligence to rock
yes i rock and i’m smart
they are not mutually exclusive
the words are hardly ever just tossed out or off
i put so much love and life in them
but i will not dumb it down
so a fair chunk of crowd does not really grokk us
they dont know what space rock is
and they dont really really wanna find out
they want their cars and girls and fightin’ and drinkin’ songs
ok
they want their love songs but they dont care much for space
anyway
i know we were good
if i’d seen it
i woulda liked it
lean n hungry like the wolf (mother)
a good collision of all the good bits i could think of
so
a good time had by all
maybe made some new converts
ah who cares?

i want to leave yesterday and my grumbles behind me
(although you notice someone try to always have the last word)
today elli and minna were awarded prizes from school
karin n i attend
they jumped in
in a sydney high school
halfway thru the year
they dont speaka the inglish as their first lang
and know bugger all about australias history etc
yet they cleaned up a load of subjects
coming in top 3
both could have brilliant scholastic careers
and aint it funny
i’d much rather they became top doctors or diplomats
than rockstars
whats happened to me?
i wanted a life of sex drugs and rock for myself
but for my five daughters
i want chastity sobriety and academia
oh yes
aurora and eve came home with some awards
aurora won a set of oil pastels
she let evie use em
but she insisted they go back in the right place
until eve had a friggin’ meltdown
aurora was laying a lovely trip on her
seemingly generous
but ultimately controlling
human beens…you gotta laugh
elli and minna have everything it seems girls could want
elli is popular and friendly
minna is groovy yet restrained
they are stunningly beautiful and growing more so by the day
they are extraordinarily intelligent
bi-lingual
oh i want them to succeed in whatever way they want;
to see em change from tiny premmy red screaming things
to confident charismatic young chicas
pang brudar you’d call em in swedish
(bang brides….dynamite chicks)
i know i’m now just a father raving over his bloody kids
but christ
identical twins
so different
so the same
been down low too
and still not or ever out of the woods
there had to be catch i guess
it seems you never get everything
theres always a shadow
it wouldnt be this world if not
i was seriously envying the divinyls
for all the money it seemed they were gonna make
and then chrissie reveals her ms
god i feel such a fool
yes i met her the other night
a gracious lady
she said i may be deaf but im “still gorgeous”
i guess that immediately put me on her side forever
its a good way to start a conversation anyway
i havent seen them yet
but i will in melbourne
brother john said they sounded better than us
and
he went home and bought some of their tracks from eye-choons
ok
i dont think we’re knocking their audience dead
you know
they like us but…
but what?
but we’re too……..needlessly highbrow and complicated
the other night
im singing my stupid lyrics
we sought protection in artificial youth etc
i look into ye olde ordience
theyre got that look
schoolkids get
when the teachers boring their pants off
though they know they somehow should listen
the church were shite says one divvies fan on his blogthing
we are not everybodies cuppa tea
thats ok
we are not the kinda support band that slays the crowd
or steals the other lots fans
we are are a slow soft explosion in their minds
maybe afterwards theyll think about it
some fans are even determined to hate anyone other than their idols
they hate you as a matter of course
its nothing personal
anyway
im neutral to the divinyls
i dont love em
i dont hate em
theyre a lot better than a lot of others
i have a little soft spot for them
cos we’re from the same place and era
like us they had a big hit in the us
good luck to em
i cant complain
i will review em at some stage
but they are nice people to work with at any rate
a friend of mine saw chrissie backstage
shes a fuckin’ icon he said over n over
if i had a wish
it really would be that they might find a cure
for this rotten illness
in the meantime
i take my hat off to her resilience and determination
talking of illness
went back to earquack
basically
in medical talk
my hearing is fucked
my left ear still with no tympanic resonance
my right a ringing yet muffled mess
hey
dont feel sorry for me
i dont
its just an occupational hazard
its horrible
but after all
i did it to myself
i was warned
i kept on going
now the damage is done
will need a breakthrough in ear medicine to fix it now
thats life folks
dont worry
i wont turn off the flow of music till i die
but just keep in mind that the odds are changing…
scarlet kilbey is a hoot
shes been hanging around with me a bit
and shes nothing like any the other kids
a stubborn and finnicky little person
like she was an empress in her last life
an expert guilt trip layer
a devoted killjoy too sometimes
running round crying
while the rest of the family
is trying to enjoy themselves
specialising in waking up at the worst moments
not going to sleep when everybody wants her to
weeing on the goddamn floor if she bloody well wants to
breaker of delicate things
loser of ipods
trasher of rooms
destroyer of toys
interrupter of conversations
she comes out and hassles me
when i’m doing yoga
always being wherever i want to be
i get in dog pose
i open my eyes
theres scarlet half an inch from my face
her eyes wide
her tongue coming out trying to lick my face
good lord!
weather is loverly
donald b came round
we went for a swim at neilsens park
the flowers and stuff
evie and i wrote our name in the cement path
a while ago
and its still there
ok
thats enough
tomorrow
mell-bun
2 nights
see ya

1
a woman , an old foreign woman
pulled out in the road, double bay sydney
and crashed into my car
she wasnt looking
peter k who was passenger
wanted to call the cops
woman say
oh no dont call cops
please sir please
peter and her have a little argy bargy
which i cant hear due to roar of traffic
due to her thick accent
due to the fact im quite deaf
peter goes off to look for bitsa my car
in the road
and woman
starts promising me the moon
i give you any money
she starts producing documents
proving where she lives etc
she dont wanna lose her no claims bonus
or points off her licence
or maybe shes drunk
(or all of the above)
i say ok ok
the womans is crying and shaking
shes rabbitting on wildly and i cant make it out
peter comes back
should ring the cops he says
i decide to let lady off the hook
i pay you cash she says
gives me her phone #
i’ll ring ya i say
shes shivering and shaking and sobbing
i actually take her hand
i reassure her
its ok go home
the next day i call her
gone is the heartbroken old lady of yessaday
in her place a fierce euro-vixen, tuff and streetsmart
you too late she says
you waited too long she says
i was working all day i say
too late too late! she crows
shes harsh and triumphant
you get my details go to nrma(insurers)
haff a nice day
and hangs up
i cant be bothered chasing her or it up
fuck it
leave it to karma
2 someone asked me to do something
i said a half hearted yes
in the meantime i was bombarded with emails
and catalogs of their “product”
the someone used my name to get ins with other people
that i knew or had known
and ceaselessy went on and on about the damn thing
no no
you should go on about things when theyre done
not before they even start
and
im angry
that someone would think
because i agreed
that means they get the ok
to call up others ive worked with
i feel used
i feel its pushy
i feel its fucking uncool
then someone rings up my brother
demanding n cajoling for my phone number
(which he didnt get)
finally the last straw
a fucking email saying that in his friends opinion
if i were to sing over his music it would be as good as the church
(if not better)
that pissed me off
i was gonna do this thing eventually
but ive fucking had it with this bullshit
i politely decline in a private email
i say thats the end let it be
the someone threatens me
that he’ll email “everyone”
with my original email
where i agreed to do project
(big fucking deal)
and tried with various othermeans
to lay a guilt trip on me
then he emails my email address
all over the internet
so i have to suffer seeing the replies
as people respond
or whatever
i said let it be
i said stop
why couldnt you?
another email giving me a deadline date to do it by
or to say no
i already said no
i dont say it twice
unless you are as deaf as me
now what?
who cares
it just irks me
that
i tried to be nice
and i end up with this
3
often
being a songwriter and blogger etc
people make the mistake
of thinking
the things i write
are
about them
for them
to them
whatever
then
they get mad if i dont respond to their trip
i have had this at least a hundred times
but you sang this
you wrote that
sorry
thats what i do
i write stuff thats supposed to mean something to you
thats one of a writers devices
its amazing when its pulled off
16 year old kilbey discovers marc bolan
its like hes singing all this stuff just for me
except
im sane and reasonable enough to know he didnt
how could he?
have you seen that john lennon movie
where the dutch hippy is saying
but man you wrote all those songs to me
and lennons going
oh no not again
ok
that brings us to me
and some deleted comments
and my decision to have no more anons
for a while
someone once worked for us
over a quarter of a century ago
that person had a sibling
i vaguely remember them
i might have said hello or even chatted for a few minutes
years later said sibling shows up
asks my brother for my email address
can i give it? he says
oh yeah i know that person its ok (i guess)
i had intended to maybe catch up and have a cuppa tea
next time i was in their city
then begins
a torrent of emails
i had written this or that
we were or are or should be lovers says person
no thanks says i
i didnt write that to or for or about you
and
i love my wife very much
im not interested
then comes abusive emails
abusive comments by “friends”
all implying i have somehow left this lady in the lurch
what?!
we are virtually strangers
i have tempered my view of all this
because i was just trying to do the right thing
let someone down kinda gently
i dont wanna hurt anyones feelings
i understand how people could get the wrong idea
but
the emails continue
all kinds of stuff
again n again
i write back
please
no thanks
you got the wrong guy..
again
abuse emails
saying thats it goodbye
then the other ones start up
as if nothing happened
today i write final email
from now on your name will send it to my spam filter
leave me alone
this is delusional behaviour
thats the end
and
it starts up on my comments
so
there you go
if the people concerned read this
how sad that it got to this
why couldnt ya let it go
anyway
now they all know
i get real real mad tho
when people try n muckrake my family into this
then i really am the killer
dont ever ever ever
try n hurt my family!
and that
is fucking that!