The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

flew into melbo on a dreary sat afternoon
raining dark and cold
weather in sydney: perfect
and yet
melbos denizens had always embraced us more warmly
than sydneys golden children
right from the word glow
when we were beginning
they could more easily dig our trip…
the forum is big old ballroom or something
a warren of corridors backstage
leading into mysterious darknesses
that i did not care to check out for myself
when i arrive at soundcheck
the divs are playing
they certainly “rock”
the church played their s/check with en-rikko mi-ami
on drums
hed also filled in on bass when i was absent with dying ears
(its ok ma, theyre dead now)
him and jorden brebach our soundmixer
could probably replicate anything we ever did
when these guys offer some advice we listen
wheres tim?
my more astute fiendss are asking theirselves
well my little pigs
timmy-bouy was dubble booked
appearing at the spiegeltent
with iota
an important and prestigious gig
booked before the divs thing came about
he finished there
fifteen minutes after we were s’posed to s’tart
he leapt off stage at the tent
ran down the main drag of melbo
carrying his cymbals
imagine
one moment hes playing in the s/tent
have you heard iota fiendss
a cat with an amazing voice
currently doing well in the musical circuit too
and i can see why
rocky horror
hedwig and angry inch
and now
a ballet thingy
you can imagine the tent
and the crowd there
tim playing his gig
(and he loves this gig as much as the church, i’d say
much less stress)
then the gig ends
tim
not really sitting back and relaxing
and getting over the sheer physicality of playing (drums)
etc
he runs off stage hot and sweaty
grabs his cymbals etc
and legs it down this lovely boulevarde
past museums and galleries
some street comic busking a gig spots ‘im
hey runaway drummer hes stolen those drums !!!
tim runs past flinders station
and down that street to forum
(lucky these gigs were in running distance)
its a clammy wet warm night
people drift pass
its surrealistic
if you just jumped offstage
offstage
onstage
backstage
how many of you have ever trodden the boards?
you dont think doing yer thing up on a stage
while people watch and clap and cheer
is an addictive hit?
a gnawing nagging desire for more
you get clean of the feeling
you dont play for a year
then
2 or 3 gigs
you start getting the hankering again the yearning
anyway tim pushes through saturday nights people
through another door
then everything changes
hes entered a world
of 2000 people in a big room
drinking and laughing
me and the other 2 standing round
anxiously waiting for timbo to show
suddenly he appears
we gonna leave out a song to compensate the lateness
ricki runs out and starts playing his rogini
an artificial indian drone
the band mosey on out
church fans scream out
and divvy fans remain impassive
whats it like
walking out on stage
well its always different
sometimes im nervous
sometimes im calm
sometimes im tense and shivering and shaking
sometimes im so fuckin’ blase its a joke
tonight i stride on confidently
all i eaten today is a mini-strony
i am eating very little food at the moment
i dont think its necessary for us olde guys to eat too much
a bowl of soup
a good smoothie
maybe some toast
thatll do me for a day
i aint gonna grow any taller
i dont believe my energy is all generated by food
you may sneer at that
but im a bit like a prius high-brid
half running on the olde badde stuff
half on clean energy
thats why i have more energy than one could believe
particularly given my advancing years…
do you think if i was scoffing meat n potatoes
and gallons of plonk n booze
that i’d be able to keep it up?
anyhow
(sorry to be a bore)
but the yoga and swimmy swimmy and chi gong
and meditation and the beach and the great ozzie bush weed
and the happy herbal highs
have transformed me
i stride onstage a proud old battlescarred warrior
no longer the snotty arrogant poseur of yore
which was good for yore
but not now
who am i?
what the fuck am i doing up here?
as i begin to spit out all my words
as i begin to pull notes out of my most beautiful fen-dah
as i start to heat up and sweat
as the music starts to work its mojo on my doo-dah
the guitars are like orchestras
the sound during some songs is so intense
so concentrated
focussed in so tight
im playing much better than syd
the crowd is bigger n better
the venue ditto
the thing begins to levitate
we dont wanna make you dance or whistle
or tap your foot or nod and say this is nice
as i stand onstage
i want to obliterate the audiences mind
i want to replace it with churchworld
where its all angular and pulsating
its loud and urgent and confusing
my bass now weighs nothing
my voice effortlessly projects
i can push it out or withdraw it back in
tim pounds the kit
already warmed up with iotas gig
fit and ready to punish those drums
the bass and bass drum lock in
playing in and around each other
when they sync up to a groove
you just hold on and it glides of its own accord
the audience is just a mix of individuals
the only thing they have in common
is they are in this room tonight
i look down into em from my vantage point
all ages
all types
all in varying degrees of like or dislike for the church
yes there are those who aint that fussed
despite myself i am amazed that they bother resisting us
if we played this gig in london or new york
they would go beserk
but these children of the vast suburbs
these sons n daughters of the eighties
these products of their times
no
they aint interested in our jive
they came to see chrissie
and they dont need anybody else
quite frankly its fine by me
they stand n listen politely enuff
they dont loathe us
but neither will they let themselves be drawn in
they cannot be bothered expending the thought n faith
i know we were quite good that night
and most of em there liked it
strangely enough
the following night is very much a repeat of night one
we walk on
and we hammer at em
till we walk off exhausted
i have a long cold shower
people tell me chrissie talks about us onstage
about the time she screamed at us cos marty said hello
gee tempermental types them showbiz types or what?
i come off drenched in sweat
i generate heat when i meditate too
i heat up incredibly
what is this heating process?
anyway
i am nothing like me
from 20 years ago
that one had more youthful dash, i grant you
but somehow
the most artificial boy whoever rocked
became the real man
i surrender to the music
i let it take me
and all those other cliches
i laughed at when i was a groovy fop
i have stripped myself back
no more frills n bullshit
i am so real its unbelievable
sorry to rave on about myself again
but i have changed and it feels so strange
the bass reveals more of itself
my voice grows in all directions
my face morphs into its original angular configuration
the energy available onstage seems limitless
my words in my mouth still feel good
they still throw up new interpretations even to me
there have been better wordsmiths than i, no doubt
but not too many
i have tried to bring a fresh intelligence to rock
yes i rock and i’m smart
they are not mutually exclusive
the words are hardly ever just tossed out or off
i put so much love and life in them
but i will not dumb it down
so a fair chunk of crowd does not really grokk us
they dont know what space rock is
and they dont really really wanna find out
they want their cars and girls and fightin’ and drinkin’ songs
ok
they want their love songs but they dont care much for space
anyway
i know we were good
if i’d seen it
i woulda liked it
lean n hungry like the wolf (mother)
a good collision of all the good bits i could think of
so
a good time had by all
maybe made some new converts
ah who cares?

i want to leave yesterday and my grumbles behind me
(although you notice someone try to always have the last word)
today elli and minna were awarded prizes from school
karin n i attend
they jumped in
in a sydney high school
halfway thru the year
they dont speaka the inglish as their first lang
and know bugger all about australias history etc
yet they cleaned up a load of subjects
coming in top 3
both could have brilliant scholastic careers
and aint it funny
i’d much rather they became top doctors or diplomats
than rockstars
whats happened to me?
i wanted a life of sex drugs and rock for myself
but for my five daughters
i want chastity sobriety and academia
oh yes
aurora and eve came home with some awards
aurora won a set of oil pastels
she let evie use em
but she insisted they go back in the right place
until eve had a friggin’ meltdown
aurora was laying a lovely trip on her
seemingly generous
but ultimately controlling
human beens…you gotta laugh
elli and minna have everything it seems girls could want
elli is popular and friendly
minna is groovy yet restrained
they are stunningly beautiful and growing more so by the day
they are extraordinarily intelligent
bi-lingual
oh i want them to succeed in whatever way they want;
to see em change from tiny premmy red screaming things
to confident charismatic young chicas
pang brudar you’d call em in swedish
(bang brides….dynamite chicks)
i know i’m now just a father raving over his bloody kids
but christ
identical twins
so different
so the same
been down low too
and still not or ever out of the woods
there had to be catch i guess
it seems you never get everything
theres always a shadow
it wouldnt be this world if not
i was seriously envying the divinyls
for all the money it seemed they were gonna make
and then chrissie reveals her ms
god i feel such a fool
yes i met her the other night
a gracious lady
she said i may be deaf but im “still gorgeous”
i guess that immediately put me on her side forever
its a good way to start a conversation anyway
i havent seen them yet
but i will in melbourne
brother john said they sounded better than us
and
he went home and bought some of their tracks from eye-choons
ok
i dont think we’re knocking their audience dead
you know
they like us but…
but what?
but we’re too……..needlessly highbrow and complicated
the other night
im singing my stupid lyrics
we sought protection in artificial youth etc
i look into ye olde ordience
theyre got that look
schoolkids get
when the teachers boring their pants off
though they know they somehow should listen
the church were shite says one divvies fan on his blogthing
we are not everybodies cuppa tea
thats ok
we are not the kinda support band that slays the crowd
or steals the other lots fans
we are are a slow soft explosion in their minds
maybe afterwards theyll think about it
some fans are even determined to hate anyone other than their idols
they hate you as a matter of course
its nothing personal
anyway
im neutral to the divinyls
i dont love em
i dont hate em
theyre a lot better than a lot of others
i have a little soft spot for them
cos we’re from the same place and era
like us they had a big hit in the us
good luck to em
i cant complain
i will review em at some stage
but they are nice people to work with at any rate
a friend of mine saw chrissie backstage
shes a fuckin’ icon he said over n over
if i had a wish
it really would be that they might find a cure
for this rotten illness
in the meantime
i take my hat off to her resilience and determination
talking of illness
went back to earquack
basically
in medical talk
my hearing is fucked
my left ear still with no tympanic resonance
my right a ringing yet muffled mess
hey
dont feel sorry for me
i dont
its just an occupational hazard
its horrible
but after all
i did it to myself
i was warned
i kept on going
now the damage is done
will need a breakthrough in ear medicine to fix it now
thats life folks
dont worry
i wont turn off the flow of music till i die
but just keep in mind that the odds are changing…
scarlet kilbey is a hoot
shes been hanging around with me a bit
and shes nothing like any the other kids
a stubborn and finnicky little person
like she was an empress in her last life
an expert guilt trip layer
a devoted killjoy too sometimes
running round crying
while the rest of the family
is trying to enjoy themselves
specialising in waking up at the worst moments
not going to sleep when everybody wants her to
weeing on the goddamn floor if she bloody well wants to
breaker of delicate things
loser of ipods
trasher of rooms
destroyer of toys
interrupter of conversations
she comes out and hassles me
when i’m doing yoga
always being wherever i want to be
i get in dog pose
i open my eyes
theres scarlet half an inch from my face
her eyes wide
her tongue coming out trying to lick my face
good lord!
weather is loverly
donald b came round
we went for a swim at neilsens park
the flowers and stuff
evie and i wrote our name in the cement path
a while ago
and its still there
ok
thats enough
tomorrow
mell-bun
2 nights
see ya

1
a woman , an old foreign woman
pulled out in the road, double bay sydney
and crashed into my car
she wasnt looking
peter k who was passenger
wanted to call the cops
woman say
oh no dont call cops
please sir please
peter and her have a little argy bargy
which i cant hear due to roar of traffic
due to her thick accent
due to the fact im quite deaf
peter goes off to look for bitsa my car
in the road
and woman
starts promising me the moon
i give you any money
she starts producing documents
proving where she lives etc
she dont wanna lose her no claims bonus
or points off her licence
or maybe shes drunk
(or all of the above)
i say ok ok
the womans is crying and shaking
shes rabbitting on wildly and i cant make it out
peter comes back
should ring the cops he says
i decide to let lady off the hook
i pay you cash she says
gives me her phone #
i’ll ring ya i say
shes shivering and shaking and sobbing
i actually take her hand
i reassure her
its ok go home
the next day i call her
gone is the heartbroken old lady of yessaday
in her place a fierce euro-vixen, tuff and streetsmart
you too late she says
you waited too long she says
i was working all day i say
too late too late! she crows
shes harsh and triumphant
you get my details go to nrma(insurers)
haff a nice day
and hangs up
i cant be bothered chasing her or it up
fuck it
leave it to karma
2 someone asked me to do something
i said a half hearted yes
in the meantime i was bombarded with emails
and catalogs of their “product”
the someone used my name to get ins with other people
that i knew or had known
and ceaselessy went on and on about the damn thing
no no
you should go on about things when theyre done
not before they even start
and
im angry
that someone would think
because i agreed
that means they get the ok
to call up others ive worked with
i feel used
i feel its pushy
i feel its fucking uncool
then someone rings up my brother
demanding n cajoling for my phone number
(which he didnt get)
finally the last straw
a fucking email saying that in his friends opinion
if i were to sing over his music it would be as good as the church
(if not better)
that pissed me off
i was gonna do this thing eventually
but ive fucking had it with this bullshit
i politely decline in a private email
i say thats the end let it be
the someone threatens me
that he’ll email “everyone”
with my original email
where i agreed to do project
(big fucking deal)
and tried with various othermeans
to lay a guilt trip on me
then he emails my email address
all over the internet
so i have to suffer seeing the replies
as people respond
or whatever
i said let it be
i said stop
why couldnt you?
another email giving me a deadline date to do it by
or to say no
i already said no
i dont say it twice
unless you are as deaf as me
now what?
who cares
it just irks me
that
i tried to be nice
and i end up with this
3
often
being a songwriter and blogger etc
people make the mistake
of thinking
the things i write
are
about them
for them
to them
whatever
then
they get mad if i dont respond to their trip
i have had this at least a hundred times
but you sang this
you wrote that
sorry
thats what i do
i write stuff thats supposed to mean something to you
thats one of a writers devices
its amazing when its pulled off
16 year old kilbey discovers marc bolan
its like hes singing all this stuff just for me
except
im sane and reasonable enough to know he didnt
how could he?
have you seen that john lennon movie
where the dutch hippy is saying
but man you wrote all those songs to me
and lennons going
oh no not again
ok
that brings us to me
and some deleted comments
and my decision to have no more anons
for a while
someone once worked for us
over a quarter of a century ago
that person had a sibling
i vaguely remember them
i might have said hello or even chatted for a few minutes
years later said sibling shows up
asks my brother for my email address
can i give it? he says
oh yeah i know that person its ok (i guess)
i had intended to maybe catch up and have a cuppa tea
next time i was in their city
then begins
a torrent of emails
i had written this or that
we were or are or should be lovers says person
no thanks says i
i didnt write that to or for or about you
and
i love my wife very much
im not interested
then comes abusive emails
abusive comments by “friends”
all implying i have somehow left this lady in the lurch
what?!
we are virtually strangers
i have tempered my view of all this
because i was just trying to do the right thing
let someone down kinda gently
i dont wanna hurt anyones feelings
i understand how people could get the wrong idea
but
the emails continue
all kinds of stuff
again n again
i write back
please
no thanks
you got the wrong guy..
again
abuse emails
saying thats it goodbye
then the other ones start up
as if nothing happened
today i write final email
from now on your name will send it to my spam filter
leave me alone
this is delusional behaviour
thats the end
and
it starts up on my comments
so
there you go
if the people concerned read this
how sad that it got to this
why couldnt ya let it go
anyway
now they all know
i get real real mad tho
when people try n muckrake my family into this
then i really am the killer
dont ever ever ever
try n hurt my family!
and that
is fucking that!

ruthless nature
push push push
inside where i cant stand it
stoop so low
cavernous sonic halls
fluid and liquid
transmitting impulses
a cluster of events close enough
the grid lights up
machinery moves into place
receptors alert for incoming materials
re-hardwired
soft where
hard wear
software softly singing
hardware hardly hearing
i am the result
my hands fly about me
i am fortunas agent
resilient
changing all the time being
my voice carries now overfield and plane
my voice bearing the words you must hear
it comes from my throat
it enters a current
it fills up the space in your head
im knocking some sense into you
im sliding down downy hills
i dont hesitate to use my mojo on you
you call that ooomph?!
no
ooomph is what i say it is
ooomph is on and on and on
yeah
what ya heard about me is wright
a work in progress
before your living eyes
i am not me
not who i was
who i will be
i cut all ties
i scorn your reprimands
i am above and below your vision
reproach yourself for what you find lacking in me
i am innocent
i am free
i am just warming up
i am not entangled in anybodys miasma of superstition
i paint
i write
i play
i love my own dear ones
a man at last
thats
something
not everything

just come home from enmore show
still all hot n sweaty
i personally made a loada mistakes on ye olde bass
sorry
we seemed to go down ok
maybe a bit too arty for the crowd
nevermind
nk says we were brill
she says i looked like a “god”
she said we played inexorably
especially ripple
my left ear ringing like a hellish bell
i dont care anymore
viva la rock, baybee
shimmy shimmy shake
let it all out
let it all in
take it as it comes
its coming down hard like a burning plane
rock come and eat my soul
rock thrash me
rock jolt me with your pomp and vain-glory
rock beat me down and make me love it
rock my role model
roll over funs
roll over you innocents
rock me hard sister
rock me in my deaf cocoon
rock me with my stupid english accent
rock me with my straddle and stray
hold down the whip
strip me open
flay my soul and sear my flesh
rock for life
rock for peace
rock for rock sake
rock when you feel hungry or tired or alone
rock for the blue god and the other avatars
rock all you atlanteans
rock all you lemurians
rockin’ seekin’ sikhs
rockin johnny and jains
rock for allah and jehovah
rock for the mineral kingdom
rock for the perfect man
rock for tits n ass
fender jazz bass rolls royce sustain
gimme an in
gimme an f
gimme a back beat i cant lose it
in the free world
go go go you firewalkers
go you snakecharming lithe mo-ses
sam therapy and king dice
all over lyonesse
in avalon and cosa mui
in machu pichu where the spirits are
holy rock
rock of ages
hammer and songs
guarana and damiana
cocaine baybee yeah
oh we are flying too low
guitars fracture
drums walloping bash boom crash smash wham
bang shanga langa ganga bang bim bam bong
smoke and fire
devil
angle
line
zip
kiss
freak
do it
slow

blue tablets cut in quarters
outside at 3 a m
sitting alone and naked
in the deep shadow of the doorway
i look up at the navy blue sky
the stars pulse in time with my heartbeast
the stars are shining within black circles
on the navy blue sky
mars and venus emanating in space
the stars have voices
i can hear them in the shadows
the stars throb in tune with my bad ear
the sky knows me
the stars constrict and release
those black circles around them
like holes containing diamonds
some stars disappear and reappear
the stars voices are brittle
i understand them for the first time
i hear them with my eyes
delicious theyre saying in icy voices
yum yum they tinkle and crash
the houses are all outlined in black
everything crudely chucked on realitys collage
the air is grainy
the night is warm
suddenly clouds glide overhead
whispering vapours
like stingrays they flap on the navy blue
the clouds blanket the stars and the night turns purple
i can hear the stars
even if i cant see them
in the black round spaces where they sit and burn
in galaxies so far far off
worlds that cannot be reached by travel
the sky deeper than the sea
the constellations woven on a black sheet
layer upon layer of space
the fabric of thought
the stream of amorous love
the way home
the detour
the delay
delicious
say the stars

the world of men
pushing you towards a binary decision
the high road or the low road
war or peace
on or off
liberal or labor
democrat or republican
this or that
the world of men tries to tell me
listen, boyo
when it comes to this whole
earth/life/ meaning-of-it-all question
sometimes called
the big question
the world of men in 2007 says
listen,
are you a creationist
or are you for a process called evolution?
there are your 2 candidates…
oh now steven you dont wanna rush into this
youve been grappling with this since you arrived
there is no need for anyone who reads me
to write in here
pointing out the way christianity or evolution works
i believe i understand both principles thoroughly
i did em at school, just like you
i studied and tried to observe both things
my 2 choices
i was given as a childe
by my western world
that i was trusting implicitly
because i was
well
i was a childe
i looked hard at christianitys explanation of lifes beginning
on earth
im sorry everyone
the vicars and reverends
and all good christians
all schismed up into your denominations
and sects
and interpretations
your bloody horrific history
for the man of peace
the people around me
those who claimed loudest they were christian
displaying none of christs grace or mercy
puffed up on their fairy tale bullshit
that
to tell the truth
they didnt even really understand themselves…
well
nonetheless
even as a childe
the adam n eve n jehovah and snakey snakey
i mean c’mon
even as a five year olde
one must approach this little cock-tale with a pinch of salt
as an adult i see this is some kind of allegory
it is not meant to be taken literally
its a story that is supposed to point out a greater truth
although whatever that truth is
in this case
eludes us modern folk, i’d say
i mean what the hell are we supposed to come away with
after reading this load of olde malarkey?
1 god created the world….
ok im with you there
of course it raises other questions
but for the time being
ok….
2 he created everything but the people to start with and
then he did adam and cos he was lonely, eve
hmmm already feeling like something from the grimms
3 everything was peachy for a couple of days
until eve was persuaded to eat a magic apple by a talking snake
who had legs up until then.when eve talked adsy into a bite
god, totally pissed off (though here was a genius who could design an ear-drum
or a dragon -fly
or carve great waterfalls and all the rest)
this incredible artist
this divine inventor
is totally miffed and throws a william
fuck it says
i guess in hebrew
or whatever him and adsy spoke together
thats it!
he chucks em out
gives us pain and mortality
he’s extra nasty to eve and all women to come
making them bear children in agony
(how were they to be born previously then? one wonders)
cos of that one fucking apple
talk about bearing a grudge….
at 8 years old
i perceived it as one of the most unlikely things
i had ever heard
yet i was told by all the religious authorities
this is the way this world got here
its quite patently bullshit!
why even bother demolishing it further
its totally unacceptable
i was not fucking born in or of mortal sin
i have nothing to do with adam n evie
noah(read gilgamesh)
or someone dying for my sins
i believe jesus christ existed
i believe he said wonderful revolutionary things
was he the son of god?
arent we all, in some senses
and not, in others…..?
he said he was the son of man
thats beautiful and highly ambiguous
but nowhere did he say or even any of the dudes writing it
that he was dying for people in the futures sins
thats an accretion
that means someone added that in later
not into the bible
but into the manifesto of the christian faith
someone came up with that ransom bit
hundreds of years later
it was welded on
jesus never said it
anyway
i felt defiantly non -christian
i had been taught or was led to believe
that the other religions were all a load of superstitions
and savagery and idol worship etc
after all christianity must be the real religion
because we had given hindus muslims and all the rest
a damn good kicking over the years
and their gods hadnt seemed to intervene
so one presumed christianity was the last word in god
and
that last word was
at least as far as
how did this all get here? is concerned
bullshit!
no one could believe that was how
this wonderful planet and all its amazing stuff
got here…
ok
so
i am not
never was
will never be
a “creationist”
the other candidate
in this election
was a theory called evolution
discovered or invented or postulated or whatever
by a druid named darwin
who was a christian
who was still a christian when he died
who imagined evolution as a part of “gods” way of working
not instead of it
science ran with the ball
they saw evolution in everything
and after a while
evolution became the prime mover
and “god” was gone from the equation
not only that
but evolution was thought to prove
the nonexistence of “god”
of course this left a few awkward gaps
and it was kinda decided ( i guess)
that it all started off
theres this planet
part of the big bang
thrown out from this explosion
as the big bang banged
and these perfectly spinning spheres
come flying out
and go into orbit around this star
also part of the bang-ski
which is just sitting there shining away
and our sphere
called the earth
is just loaded with all kinds of chemistry thingies
accidentally of course
by chance
all of this happened by chance
because western science cannot accept it otherwise
and one day
this is a good part
almost as good as the snake
as far as using your imagination
one day
many moons ago
lightning struck a pool of chemicals
and it
jolted by a great uncertain voltage
miraculously
though we cannot use that word
this pool of primordial blechh
assembled itself into life
and then
it started to figure itself out
this charged up amino acid thingo
it was now alive
the rest
as they say
is history
the amino slime grew
into bacterial doo-dahs
they grew gills bills
wings trunks
legs
birds turned into mammals
mammals into apes
apes into men
men into….ummm
well that leaves us here
doesnt it
western world
2007
god is dead
said a crazy german guy and we sniggered and agreed
no reason other than the variety of nature:
i say other day
trees breathe out oxygen…its a miracle
commenter says
au contraire…that proves its no miracle
we must summise therefore
everything is totally open to interpretation
each proof for one side
is also a proof for the other proving the opposite
evolution
which is based on a chance
of whirlwinds assembling jumbos from a junkyard
or monkeys typing out shakespeares complete works
in other words
its totally improbable , statistically speaking
evolution and random chance and a long time
put this all together
every incredible thing just happened of its own accord over time
all those golden ratios
all those immaculate autonomous interconnecting mechanisms
all this wonder and terror and glory and horror
the world with its tenderness and brutality
everything is just here by chance
ok
theres your 2 choices
howard or rudd
creationism or evolution
the ridiculous past
the ridiculous future
not for me, boyo
not for me
dont tell me i gotta choose between these 2 non starters
you saying i dont have a 3rd
or 4th
or a thousand other candidates
is this really what it comes down to
adsy and evie
or i’m a fucking monkey man
i dont know bout you science-boy
but i aint no monkey
i am prepared to believe we share similarities of design
doesnt all life in varying degrees
dont we have many similarities to a green fly in principle?
arent we all “creatures”?
anyway
nobody is gonna trap me into a category
with some tricky loaded phrase like
“intelligent design”
that phrase now carries a christian stigma
although
unfortunately it is a very good phrase
because
i can only see
intelligent, nay, genius design
everywhere
i am humbled by whoever did this, by their vast mastery
not on canvas or film or tape or stage
but a master who works in living things
we know now how our merest thoughts can change the crystal pattern
of water
everything interconnected
everything vibrating
everything moving in a dance of one zillion years
i have avidly searched and read
i do not take things as true because our modern latest science says so
science has been wrong or partially wrong
or right for the wrong reason many times
it contradicts itself every hundred years or more
and thats well and good and healthy
and evolutionist science
has done a good job of silencing everyone else
with ridicule
daring you to laugh
at their lack of birds with half a wing
turtles with half a shell
their dawn horses
and their missing links
big fucking deal
someone or somethings skull
how grisly
the way we dig things up and fuck around with em
i dont need a skull or a bible
i am a living creature
with senses i do not even realise i may have
i think and observe
i hold no fucking allegiance to either side
spare me your christian or scientific dogma
i know it
i read it too
now im feeling something
ive felt it before
it has been a small voice in my heart
or an overwhelming force hammering me along
it has shown me the way in small ways
it has comforted me
it has filled my head with music and words
it has inspired me to try harder
no one can tell me what i have felt and what it was
i have made direct contact only once
and it was everything i always wanted
as sweet a nectar as the hindus always say
thats an allegory, folks
this god of mine
is so huge
is so tiny
does not punish
or judge
does not throw people out of gardens
or preside over worlds of chance
and monkey men who crawled from ligtning struck pools
he will not be trapped in yer test tube
he will not be measured by yer blah blah meter
(i use the word “he” for lack of an appropriate pronoun)
observe this earth
its formulas
its colours
its ratios
the privilege and responsibility of being a human
the gratitude we should have for living in “peaceful” countries
the pain and death yes
but also the love
the magnificence of just about everything
the wonder of it all
does jehovah or evolution really explain it all to you?
take up a discipline
train your eye to see
your ear to hear
question every fucking assumption ever fed to you
including those by me
think for yourself
quieten your babbling mind
things are happening on every frequency on the dial
but we’re tuned into the same old a.m. station
cranking out that same old jive day in day out
think about what you spout
come up with yer own take
of course darwin was on track in some ways
thats what us humans do
we analyse n figure it all out
yes yes yes adaptation is a wonderful process
but it aint all
theres more to it
cmon you can feel it cant you?
life is unbelievable
there is something else
something more
something that seems to remain hidden
something outside the box
beyond our tiny minds
ha ha ha
how funny to think
charlie darwins thoughts
should be seen as the final word
when they barely scratch the surface
they may attempt to explain how
but never
why?
why?
why?
that
is what
you should be asking
yourself

like pink lightning splintered on grey
like the black obsidian veins in the marble torso of mithras
the fingers of the waves
the geometry of the leaves that defies definition
as if one thousand masters painted a portrait
each in his style
each with the fiery caress of his creative mind
as the heart becomes inflamed with art
but nature moves in divine puzzles
suddenly you achieve the dislocation
layers of you detach and observe
in a way you never knew
what is happening to us in transition?
who wakes up to take the brush that paints the day
to imitate nature is to imitate god
the silver tree appearing superimposed on green
and white and red flowers impossibly glowing
their aura stains the rainy air and the perfect work blurs
subtlety is the key
nothing happens in bold moves
as you make your way within
others reach up through yourself to assist
oh good !
we learned to listen to them at last
we let them show us how
the graceful flight of spirit received
as small secrets are revealed
i believe in everything
i believe in everything again
but i dont believe in just anything
each small green fly has more complexity
more innovation
more aerodynamic ooomph
more self perpetuating mojo
more energy efficient
more streamlined
more speed
more strength
more resilience
than
the seven wonders of the world
and all the museums chucked into one big pit
oh i wonder how
oh i wonder how
how did it come to be
the incredible details
the invisible strings and magnetic forces
gravity and the moon
the desire for sexual union
the trees who breathe out oxygen
is that not a fucking miracle in of itself?
i wonder how our world spins so perfectly
and our seasons fold into each other
grapes appear on the vine
the blessed sun shines
clouds pour down sweet silver rain
the plants drink
and from the soil water and light
they pull themselves together
assembling viridians and brilliant white
and purples and yellows made from sunlight
and then like a devotee in yoga
the plants transform themselves
from tiny empty seeds
they have aspirations to be beautiful you know
they curl and unfurl themselves up through the earth
can you imagine that moment when the seedling pierces the sky
out of the nourishing but suffocating soil
the seed knows inside itself there is more to life than this darkness
the seed takes it on faith that there is freedom and light up there
the seed takes in moisture and decides to become itself
inside the tiny empty seed
is a magnificent strong silver limbed tree
with beautiful creamy flowers
whos opiating aroma
flows with gentle summer evening currents
ameloriating and softening lifes harsh glare
eventually bees arrive in the hazy morning
another cog in the mechanism
what delicious honey they must envisage
when did the first bee steal the pollen from the first flower
who saw to it that natures lines are an incredible mystery to unravel
who decided that these flowers would be velvety crimson
with a vivid yellow stamen
the bees can hover and manoevre with ballet like precision
they communicate in some honey like tongue
they carry pain onboard
just one lethal dose
the pain saves the bees life
otherwise the other creatures would over run the bees
but the bee deals in the sweet and the bitter
the bees fly down to die at the shore after such short lives
are they in a constant ecstasy which burns them out
somewhere a huge fat queen
replicates each worker
she gives them life at the moment of conception
the bee is born with knowledge
a predilection for colour and flowerscent
the bee lives off the purest of foods
dew and pollen
it vibrates at incredible speeds
did it take long
i sometimes wonder
to think up bees?
the sky lights up again eventually
revealing different aspects of the leaves
which shatters old patterns
and throws up new permutations
which will demand a subtle change of gear in your mind
if you truly wish to apprehend a way to replicate its appearance
on a piece of paper
i am doing this portraits hair
i paint it all brown
then i take various pastels and let them traverse the hair
not in the stiff hand of the neophyte artist
which moves in straight lines and blocks and squares
and in garish or unadventurous colours
nature demands all things conform to her slinky blue print
everything is just so
especially in sydney in december
the shapes of the swaying outside
moves my hand on the paper
i choose colours instinctively from my big boxes of pastels
colours call out
like words to songs call out
sometimes you listen to the wrong voices
sometimes you get on a roll
and it unfolds because that is what it is supposed to do
youve already painted it now get out the way
and let it happen
yoga is suddenly rewarding me in a thousand ways
years of hard slog and now suddenly
the flexibility is multi-levelled
not merely some fucking ligaments or muscles
the mind opens as wide as the sky temporarily
you get a glimpse
bit by bit
you build on it
day by day
you never miss a day
because you have learned to love this discipline
you say to yourself
no my boy
now you will do it
and you do it
and you gradually learn to love it
and the things you hated are the things you love
and the things you loved you love even more again
you think i put any thought at all into this blog
no no no
i did not
you would think that would be a self criticism
he didnt even think about it doris..
i know horace
he fuckin’ made it up on the spot
as fast as ‘e could fuckin ‘ well type
then wheres it coming from
how did i get this ultra fast hookup
to all the sevices i originally wanted
all those years ago?
and im loving it
getting old has become irrelevant in some ways
there is a cosmic fire
it can be kindled and cultivated
there are principles of art and life
so obvious and sublime
i knew nothing when i began
i even deterioted
i hibernated
the cocoon of a ten year drugged half life dream
then like the seedling i emerge from the earth
and my growth accelerates
as i grow and improve
and i learn to curve and undulate
my mind remembers
sometimes the future nudges me oh so gently
steven….it says
try this!

its a straynge thing to write a blog, childe
i sit here now ready to tell you about my day at earquacks
suddenly it occurs to me
why would they care?
why does anyone on this earth care about my eustachian tubes
and it seems to be a tremendous honour
and no
i dont think youre toadies or syncho-fants
i am genuinely touched by the goodwill directed at me
it helps
believe me
you are my e-solace
last night ricki miami comes over
minna comes over
we have vegan spring rolls with pee-nut source
we have delicious fresh salad
with avocado slices
baby tomatoes (isnt that cruel?)
spinach and lettuce leaves
everybody talking
but i cant hear a word
how frightening being deaf will/could be…
my right ear with no infection is pretty gone
i just sat there
like they were all speaking a foreign lang
laughing at the right spots
aurora does one of her long monologues
in her jimmy stewart accent
and everyone at the table laughs and yells with delight
i didnt catch a word
oh dear
anyway
went to see earquack specialist today
you know
one of those guys with an office with a great view
and a team of receptionists tapping dutifully at their screens
he looks in my ear and sighs
when are you going on tour he says doubtfully
first gig next tuesday doc says i
hope yer not flying anytime soon says earquack
well steven
you have an outer and middle ear infection
you also have tiny bones growing in your ears
as a result of swimming in cold water without plugs
(which of course i now use)
at this juncture earquack
produces the latest type of swimmers earplugs
these molded jobbies
where can i getta setta them i ask earquack
ah ha he says
well i just happen to carry them
because i dont want my patience driving all over town
(that was a little pun there)
anyway
he sucks out my ear with a thingy
he puts something else in that really really fucking hurt
i ‘m jumping away from him and hes restraining me
saying
this is almost the last one
i keep trying to brace against the pain
but like a dent-ist probing that inflaymed nerve
when he hits the spot
you just lose it
it bypasses all yer mechanisms
and this white light of pure pain
connects your ear to a whole universe of agony
anyway he chucks some hydrogen peroxide in
and i sit for a while
my head tilted
while my ears fizz crackled schnapped but never popped
it seemed like at any moment
the inside would reach the outside
and i would hear again but it never eventuated
meanwhile im looking at this very nice diagramme of the hu-man ear
i’m so sorry my dear atheist friends
when one sees this incredible delicate device
this machine of flesh and blood and fluids and hairs
of chambers and drums and skins
which enables us to translate auditory stimuli
into all the wonderful and terrible sounds of our world
so we can tell a cello from a viola
so we can listen to the birds and the babbling bloody brooks
how complex?
how did this come about?
by accident?
by trial and error?
i’m sorry
when i see the way the little hairs oscillate
how the fluids transmit sonic impulse
all the little bits and pieces interconnected
machines designed to last for a lifetime of constant use
the designer is a genius
no this sort of thing does not just come about of its own accord
to see how your ears (are supposed) to work is
a humbling and reaffirming experience
i say to god in my heart
you are real you do truly exist
and i feel him shrug and say
of course do you like that ear design?
i have no answers my little pigs
i cant tell you who to believe in
but how could any logical sane person
look at this thing
and not perceive the ingenius love
that our creator has imbued in this one little part of creation?
these ears are wonderful contraptions…..
anyhow
then i have a hearing test
which consists of having little tones played
(sounds like enos discreet music)
everytime i hear one i press the button
then they do a kind of sonic sonar on my lugholes
the earquack surveys the results sadly
its hard to believe just music has done this to your hearing
he said
and then
what dinner last night had confirmed
the hearing in the right ear is almost as bad as the infected left
any cures for tinnitus i ask
stay away from loud noise forever he said
come back on monday he said
im gonna drain the middle ear when the outer one clears up
what will that be like i asks
ahhhh he shakes his head and looks at me guiltily
anyway
i can rehearse he said
i dont know how that will go or even if possible
i feel like a cymbal or a stray guitar squall could sink my ears forever
your hearing is far too important to compromise says earquack
so looking forward to monday
the drain age
oh christ my ear is hurting now like someones in there stabbing me
with a barbed electric harpoon
i knock down 3 neurofen plus
3? says nk
yes 3
i always need more than anybody else
thats my nature
i need more
and i build up tolerances quickly
the quack takes my bloodpressure etc
perfect he says
youre still a young man he says
young at fifty three
what good will it do if i am going deaf
and the damage is done children
i mean the band hardly ever plays these days
i must never listen to my pod on headphones again
especially those intrusive ones
is this the end of my ears?
stay tuned
same kil-time
same bee-channel
the time being fades down into sea of earpain and static

saw ye olde quack this morning
for alas your humble fools ear is still non-functioni
so tomorra im on the special-list
to see specialist
oh all the pseudo-ephedrine n codeine has rotted my sox
im alert and in no pain but i cant hear a fucking thing
and my left ear going down i realise how bad my right ear is
rehearsals friday n i’m feeling pessi-mystic
no pristine silence neither
but the roar and ring and shriek of tinnitus
from one million guitar chords ringing on for ever
i paint and paint to meet my dead lines
so
feel sorry for me
feel very sorry for me
pray to your heathen gods and spirits
offer sacrifice for my well being my time being
dont eat from dusk to dawn
name your teddy steven if you want tho i may lash you
i’ll do anything to vote my earache out of office
anyway the quack says the ear quack may have to suck or blow
(he wasnt sure, witch)
going in thru my nose to get at blockage
gee thats not sounding like much fun doc…..
i really hope i dont have to play in this cond…
have been watching dvd of auckland show
and am very satisfied with result
it should be hitting the black market any day
shortly followed by the blue market and the common market
lotta people asking wherefore be painkiller?
coming my frogs coming
people say where is poetry?
people say be nice to kevin rudd the saviour of the free world
his posters still hang around bondi
simply saying new leadership..
is he ever gonna take em down
or will they be up permanently like kim sod jong the thirds?
ok no more rudd jibes
from now on i am the apolitical animal
oblivious to the sliminess of the whole business
i know this is a very basic assumption to question
but think about it a little
i asked it the other day and its growing in my mind:
has the electoral system really served us, the hoi polloi, well
i say a resounding nope!
anyway
back to the painting
see you soon